How is everyone feeling?

[IrmaJean]

I wanted to check in with everyone without disturbing anyone's threads.

D Dub, are you feeling any better? I hope so.

ND, how are things going? Have you been doing the same work?

Lifeless, tell us how you are doing.

Recluse, how are you?

Anyone else?

[Recluse]

I am doing ok. Just finishing up some things I am working on. Nothing new with my situation with women. Things have not been too bad lately though.

[IrmaJean]

I don't actually feel anything. I'm so neutral, too neutral that I don't feel motivated nor do I feel distress or sadness. Now the interesting thing is, why do I feel dead? Is it that I suppress emotions or do I not have the capacity for certain emotional responses?

I think this is a very important question, Skynight. Have you always been this way or do you remember a time when you felt emotion? If I've asked this before I apologize, but did any major painful event happen during your childhood?

But despite all of this I tell you now, I do want a good life like anybody else.

Of course you do, Skynight. You deserve a good life. What steps might you take to work in this direction?

[IrmaJean]

I am doing ok. Just finishing up some things I am working on. Nothing new with my situation with women. Things have not been too bad lately though.

Do you have any hobbies, Recluse? I'm glad things aren't too bad. Maybe you can work up to the point where things are good.

[D Dub]

Thanks for asking IJ, I'm still feeling terrible about myself on the inside. Just trying to show it so much on the outside. It's a war that will never end with me. My depression is really hurting me. I have a loss of appetite lately and just don't seem to care about anything anymore. I over dosed on sleeping pills last night, not to kill myself but just to calm my mind down. It worked temperarly, but now I 'm right back to it. I'm so sad.

[curtailed]

Hi.

My medication has been raised to new levels, and I think it is helping me. I'm feeling better than ever before. I think more clearly and have a certain direction in life that was missing before. Ironically though this new-found clarity has given me enough energy and perspective on my life that I've started having self-destructive thoughts. I guess things will flow naturally as long as I don't lose my head.

On a positive note I feel like I have become more attractive to the ladies lately, since they tend to be flocking around me instinctively. This has led me to contact some people I knew from the past, and I had one girl spend a night at my place, though we only huddled together. It was a positive experience for me and I could feel how much affection I'm missing. My life consists currently of being alone and out of physical contact with women. I'm so lonely it's easy to forget how much love there can be.

Hopefully I will be blessed with loving women in my future

-- St. Peter, curtailed of love

[IrmaJean]

Thanks for asking IJ, I'm still feeling terrible about myself on the inside. Just trying to show it so much on the outside. It's a war that will never end with me. My depression is really hurting me. I have a loss of appetite lately and just don't seem to care about anything anymore. I over dosed on sleeping pills last night, not to kill myself but just to calm my mind down. It worked temperarly, but now I 'm right back to it. I'm so sad.

Have you ever talked with a professional about your depression, D Dub? I'm sorry you are feeling sad.

[IrmaJean]

Hi.

My medication has been raised to new levels, and I think it is helping me. I'm feeling better than ever before. I think more clearly and have a certain direction in life that was missing before. Ironically though this new-found clarity has given me enough energy and perspective on my life that I've started having self-destructive thoughts. I guess things will flow naturally as long as I don't lose my head.

On a positive note I feel like I have become more attractive to the ladies lately, since they tend to be flocking around me instinctively. This has led me to contact some people I knew from the past, and I had one girl spend a night at my place, though we only huddled together. It was a positive experience for me and I could feel how much affection I'm missing. My life consists currently of being alone and out of physical contact with women. I'm so lonely it's easy to forget how much love there can be.

Hopefully I will be blessed with loving women in my future

-- St. Peter, curtailed of love

This is awesome news, Curtailed! Good for you. Huddling together can be very nice. I hope you are blessed with loving women as well.

[LonelyGuy]

I'm still pretty much the same, hate my size and that fact that women don't like me.

[Calla]

Do you mind me asking how old you are? I think this has a relevance on what goes on your cv. But ALL cvs are "geared" towards different jobs and experience needed. finding work is tough at the moment though and never a reflection on the individual I think.

[IrmaJean]

How is everyone?

ND, we haven't heard from you in a while. How are things going?

Recluse, Curtailed, Skynight?

D Dub, how is your job going?

[LonelyGuy]

Suffering from loneliness and depression due to my size and my situation, the other day I had an incident with a girl that bothered me. I was walking in the park and I noticed a cute girl in a bikini lying down reading a book when I walked pass her she looked at me and smile and I did the same, I wanted to talk to her but I hesitated due to both my insecurities and shyness but after a few minutes I decided to give it a try so I walked up to her and said hi and asked her if I could sit down next to her she looked at me and told me no I right away said alright sorry to bother you and left now I'm wondering if I just caught her at a bad time because she was busy reading her book or was it that she just found me unattractive :confused: whatever her reason was it made me feel bad and just plain ugly. I try to work on my confidence but it's incidents like this that make me feel worse about myself.

[malign]

She could even have a girlfriend. :-)

The point is, the world isn't set up so that we can get our self-esteem from other people. They have no incentive to give it to us! If you're going to get it so that you can keep it, self-esteem has to come from inside ...

[IrmaJean]

She also may have felt self-conscious herself. I know I would have in a bathing suit and all...:eek:

I think it's great that you made an attempt, though, lonelyguy. This is a positive step.

[LonelyGuy]

Thanks Skynight, Malign and Irma for your advice, I want to feel better about myself but when I face rejection it brings me down a lot, I guess it's something that I have deep inside that bothers me so much. There are different reasons why she told me no like the three of you have said but in my mind I feel that I'm just not attractive enough and that is why she rejected me.

[LonelyGuy]

I think you are right Skynight I guess sometimes I make too much of a big deal about things like this and I let it get to me. I have problems with my self esteem and confidence and it seems that when I am making some progress something like this experience happens and it drags me back down again.

[IrmaJean]

I have these CDs that I am listening to for my Human Development course and the one I plugged in today has a lot of info on it that could be useful to some of you. It was about self-efficacy. I need to listen again and take notes since sometimes my brain needs extra time to process everything. I will try to bring some of this back here, but was thinking of everyone here (and myself too) when hearing some of these explanations of human behavior and the things we can do to help ourselves. New information is always exciting. I hope it can be of some use.

[D Dub]

Sorry it's been awhile since I last posted. Unfortunatly it didn't work out with the job. I quit last week. I didn't really fit in there and I just couldn't get comfortable with myself being around the customers and employees. Plus, a big Umbrella Cokcatoo almost ripped my ear off. It just didn't seem right that it attacked me and the owner or anybody didn't care. Then having to cater to it everyday just didn't sit well with me. That bird is still lucky to be alive lol. I wanted to hurt it but I didn't. It's just a bird. So needless to say i've been really depressed. I've been really needing a job to get my life together and three weeks in I quit. I've always quit jobs like that. And it's usually has to do with my micropenis. I let it dictate my life and I know I shouldn't. It's like that alcoholic that knows he needs to quit but can't. It's just got a hold of me stronger then ever. I'm so lost right now I can't see any positive things happening in my life. I'm starting to feel like i did ten years ago when this first got out of hand. I'm so lost I just don't know anymore.

And the rain will kill us all

Throw ourselves against the wall

And noone else can see

The preservation of the mortor in me

- Slipknot

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are still feeling down, D dub.

It's taken me a very long time to get used to being around customers and employees at work too, so I can relate to those feelings of discomfort. I've been working there for many years, though, and I think the continued practice in relating with others has been extremely beneficial.

I think when things are very new and uncomfortable...we can have a response that is somewhat like "fight or flight". You put yourself out there, D Dub, and found employment. This time it didn't work out. Maybe next time you can try to hang in and fight those feelings of wanting to quit. You may very well end up appreciating what you come to learn about yourself in the process. I hope that you will keep trying. What do you think?

I'm sorry about your ear. Is it better now?

[D Dub]

Thanks Irma. The ear is a lot better. I still feel pretty bad about everything. I went to a fourth of July party and my first love was there. She's my sister's friend and every time I see her I get depressed. She broke my heart years ago. I think I'm still not over her and it hurt alot having to hide the feelings and pretend I was fine. I can't stop thinking about her. If I had even a average sized penis she would be with me I know it. That makes it hurt even more. I miss her so much I almost cried in the bathroom ( I cry in bathrooms too much lol). On the upside I've been jamming with my friend Josh! It feels so good to let loose on the mother fucking drums! Now I remember how I made it through the last ten years. If it wasn't for music and drums I would have never made this far. But all and all I'm still in a bad place. My mood swings have been wild lately. This happy to sad thing is killing me. I feel like a woman on the 28th sometimes. Once again I just don't know.

I can't control my shakes

how the hell did I get here

there's something about this so very wrong

I have to laugh out loud

I wish it wasn't like this

Is this a dream or a memory?

-slipknot

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi D. Dub,

I am sorry to read that you are feeling so very bad. Can you tell us what caused you and this ex girl friend to break off? What were the issues, problems, disagreements, etc??

Just trying to understand.

Allan:)

[Calla]

Music....the saviour of many I wish I could play the drums....get some aggression out.

I cry in bathrooms a lot...they must be the place for it. Locked away I guess. Do you really think you would still be together? How long were you together?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi D. Dub,

I guess the real question is, do you believe or did she tell you that the reason for the break up had to do with the size of your penis?

Allan

[EricDavis2]

You probably get tired of hearing us complain "oh woe is me", but I'm afraid I'm even more down on myself than ever before. As I've mentioned in the past, I've only had two real relationships with women my entire life - one was a virgin that I never had sex with, and another where I finally DID have sexual relationships with a woman that was not a hooker - the only time in my life that I was actually happy and proud of myself.

I eventually broke up with her (in a friendly way fortunately because I still have feelings for her) and she married a guy 6 months after dating me. I took me 12 years (no that's not a typo) to date someone else (God that's so pathetic).

What's got me down more than ever is something that started out as a positive. A friend fixed me up with a blind date. To my surprise, we hit it off great and went out 4 or 5 times. Things were going good .. I thought. One day she stopped returning my calls and texts. I didn't, and still don't know why for sure. My only thought is that she may have dumped me because I never made a sexual advance toward her. We kissed several times but because of this damn fear that stops me (fear of rejection or embarrassment because of my penis size). I even tossed around the idea of talking to her about it. I'm glad I didn't because she gave up on me. Just like I've given up on myself now (how ironic huh?)

I'm not really depressed because she stopped seeing me. What really troubles me is here I finally found someone who I knew liked me, had good coversations with, etc. But I just couldn't get myself to make a move on her. She was attractive and kind. My big chance in 12 LONG years - and I blew it AGAIN! What in the world is WRONG with me! I'm so ashamed of myself. My chances are so few and far betweeen. My shyness, insecurities, and lack of self-confidence are so strong it has and is ruining my life! This hurts so much. I am so weak, and I just can't stand the thought of failure any more. I want a woman in my life soo bad; I feel in my heart I DESERVE it. But the one that is stopping me from being happy and proud of myself is me. I know this, but it seems to be a power that takes over me. I've even asked God for help even though I'm not a religious person. But all I have is pain and torment and hate myself for my weakness.

The most basic skill that real men have is the ability to persue and get women. That's what we LIVE for. It's as basic as eating and sleeping. But me? Hah! I'm so goddamn afraid, I'm so goddamn ashamed of myself, I'm so goddamn embarrassed at being 55 years old and can't get a woman it makes me cry like a damn baby when I'm alone and have time to think about it. Why talk about it anymore - I'm so screwed up now it's a lost cause. I thank everyone for trying to help - I really do. But it's up to me and I just don't have what it takes. I don't know what "it" is, but it's evident I don't have what it takes.

[Calla]

Hi there, firstly no one is tired of hearing you complain, thats what the forum is for after all. And secondly it's not pathetic being single for 12 yrs.

I know I can never really understand this subject as a woman. However I have been single for 6yrs and a lot of it is down to certain physical things. It is tough, because like you, I feel that it's just human nature to want someone close. It is a basic human need.

I think if you'd been out on several dates with this woman there is a chance she thought you didn't like her in that way. Women are mostly insecure by nature and was perhaps getting in there first. I'm just guessing of course. But I don't see that as her giving up on you, rather protecting herself from rejection. Does that make sense.

Every woman is different and it's hard to know how someone would react. Personally if I'd had some good dates with a person I would really appreciate them talking to me openly. But I can understand that the when and how is not easy.

Anyway, not much help sorry! But hope you are ok.