How is everyone feeling?

[IrmaJean]

Hi, Eric. I'm sorry you're feeling down. I can relate to the feelings of frustration we sometimes feel toward ourselves and the subsequent need to then vent that. Actually, I think I may have just done that to myself a few days ago. It seems harder for some of us to offer to ourselves what we may so freely offer to others...patience, reassurance, gentle guidance...

So maybe the time has come to let what happened go and move forward to give yourself another chance at the happiness you deserve.

The most basic skill that real men have is the ability to persue and get women.

I can't help feeling you're being hard on yourself here. Being a man doesn't have anything to do with pursuing woman. A real man, to me, is a person who is true to himself. It has nothing to do with performance, but has everything to do with honesty in self.

Of course you have what it takes! Your challenge in this is finding a way to believe in yourself. And in letting the past go. Keep trying, Eric.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi EricDavis2, and D Dub,

Eric: I fully agree with IrmaJean. Also, you need to remind yourself that you are a man. Just because you may be shy or anxious does not mean you are not a man.

Are you in psychotherapy? It sounds like it might be good for you.

D Dub: It is very discouraging when a job does not work out. The real challenge is to not let it get you too down. The idea is to look for a new job or type of job. This has been said by others: When you get knocked to the mat, the idea is to get back up and fight more.

Allan

[EricDavis2]

CALLA- I appreciate your input and perspective. I'm ok as long as I keep busy. It's the quiet times alone that get me down thinking about my self. Your point is well taken the woman I dated broke up with me because she may have thought I didn't like her "that way". I'm so shy about making any physical advances other than kissing her goodnight, she could have construed it to mean I didn't find her attaractive. And thinking back, I may have missed signs she was giving me to make my move .. I don't know. The one thing she told me one time on a date was that she already had "F" buddies. I took that to mean she wasn't interested in ME that way. Who knows.

Again, the real reason we broke up wasn't what bothered me so much. What I was upset with myself about is that I never had the nerve to even TRY to make advances. Especially knowing how few opportunities I ever get. Thanks again, Calla, for your thoughts.

IRMA JEAN - I don't mean to be disrespectful to you. You are obviously a very caring person who is just trying to lift our spirits. Believe me, I don't want it to sound like I'm attacking you. And I really have to fight the idea of giving up - you're right to say "Keep trying".

But, let's face facts. I had just two dates by age 30 - both unmitigated disasters due to my shyness. I had just one relationship in my 30's (no sex) and had just one relationship in my 40's. Recently dated one woman in my 50's and was too afraid to make any kind of move on her. I'm embarrased by my size. I'm ashamed of being alone for basically every year of my life except maybe three total. I'm jealous of just about every man out there who has a girlfriend or wife.

These are facts, not a figment of my imagination. A real man would not have had a life like this. He would have DONE something about it by now, for God's sakes. Tell me, how many men have you seen in your life that have had the lack of experience and a life like that? Very few, if any, I bet.

I see my friends .. they all have a woman in their life (or if they don't, they know how to solve that problem soon enough). I go to parties and I'm almost ALWAYS the only person there by myself. They talk about their lives together, their kids, etc. I have nothing. Yes, I'm a good guy, for all that's worth. I try to put on a good face - I do like to joke around and be apart of the group. But when I go home, I wallow in a sea of despair, emptyness, sadness and disgust, and many times cry on the way. Don't feel much like a man these days.

Sorry, Irma Jean. Just so damn frustrated. Please forgive me, and thank you so much for all your efforts and kind words. You are a saint. I guess I do need therapy, like ASchwartz suggested. I tried it once, but maybe it's time to try it again. I can't take this anymore, I know that.

[IrmaJean]

No need for apologies, Eric. You're expressing your feelings honestly. I never intend to minimize anything any of you express here or deny what your experiences have been. I recognize what you're saying. I'm sorry that you are feeling frustrated and hurt.

I used to be shy too. I'm 41 now and only in the past several years have I been able to move past this. I'm still introverted, but I'm much less anxious socially now. It is very painful feeling left out and I can relate to that feeling of isolation. I think we get caught up in believing that others are always judging us, when in reality they are just as human as we are. Others may even, in fact, be anxious about how you are perceiving them. Another realization I had was that in being scared of interactions, I was projecting negativity to those around me. Once I began acting more confidently, others responded more positively. It is challenging, but well worth the effort. I think once you are able to have some small successes socially it increases your confidence little by little. This is how it has worked for me. Every little victory builds on itself and the interactions become more natural...thus boosting your confidence and easing your anxiety.

You say you're a good guy. That's worth a whole lot! What aspects about yourself do you like? You say you have a good sense of humor. This is a wonderful trait and a lot of women like this.

Eric, you are recognizing your feelings and looking at yourself right now...that's being courageous. I've been to therapy myself and it was very helpful. If you do decide to go see a professional, you will be taking a proactive step to helping yourself. Good luck, Eric. I hope you feel better soon.

[performer-uk]

I wanted to check in with everyone without disturbing anyone's threads.

D Dub, are you feeling any better? I hope so.

ND, how are things going? Have you been doing the same work?

Lifeless, tell us how you are doing.

Recluse, how are you?

Anyone else?

Why - I am feeling with my hands of course!

The geoff goldblum one was better " a series of nerve endings sends an electrical impulse to my brain".

Thats my performer head sorted out! Actually it always helps me to make some joke - a kind of distraction.

For me has been a rollercoaster ride - had some of the biggest concerts of my life - it has been brilliant. Lots of girls too - all of them finding me attractive, thinking I am some sort of "player" - its quite funny what people project onto you.

Having never slept with a woman, it makes me smirk to think anyone could ever have such an impression. I even tell them (over-earestly in a way only a performer could) "no no, Im a virgin honest" and of course it just confirms to them what they were thinking.

Its weird though, as well had any of them asked me to marry them I would have done on the spot! Some gorgeous women. After festivals etc. though it seems like a massive comedown. It always is, once you put all your energy into something, but this time is real bad having been quite intimate for a few nights. No sex of course (its me!) but pretty much everythin but, one fine lady gave the old member quite a well trained hand.

But now I sit here and feel depressed again.......I dont know, I just perhaps need to sleep and hibernate for a few days...its not the same anymore.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Peformer,

Is it that you never slept with a woman because you believe she would reject you for having a small penis?

Allan:confused:

[EricDavis2]

Thanks IrmaJean. You make some great points, especially the one about how we get caught up in believing others are judging us, when they may be wondering how we judge them. I have constant thoughts that they must be wondering "why in the world don't we ever see you with a girlfriend - what's wrong with you". Yet people do invite me to their gatherings, even though I tend to be quiet unless the subject of sports comes up - my one passion in life.

I know that I possess good qualities: I have a great sense of humor; I'm easy to get along with; I'm always appreciative of the friendship they extend to me; and I was brought up to be polite and respectful to women; I have a stable job and am well educated.

The number one quality I need is self-confidence. I feel I've underachived in just about all aspects of life, since I give up easily when something is very difficult for me. I need a change in attitude. I need to be agressive, rather than passive. I need to lose weight (another topic all together), and I need to feel that if i DO, something positive will come from it. Saying this and DOING this are two different matters, as you know.

Well, I am very happy for you that you have overcome your shyness to the degree that you can function well socially. That is a VERY difficult thing to do and you should feel proud of yourself. Sounds like you do. You have that courage of which you speak. Thanks again, IrmaJean for everything. As I said before, you are a saint because you care. My best to both of us.

[IrmaJean]

That's a wonderful idea, Eric, to talk about things you have knowledge in. I've done this at work with customers. It's a great ice-breaker and may loosen you up to further conversations. I'm a sports fan too. I love baseball. So it is easy to talk Red Sox-Yankees with customers since I am well-versed on the subject. What sports do you like?

As to my being a saint, I'm far from that, though I do very much appreciate the compliment. I have a lot of faults. Like you, I also still struggle some with self-confidence, but am much better with this than I used to be. I do very much care, though, you're right about that.

I agree that being proactive would be a great first step. Maybe you could set some goals for yourself? This might help to give you some direction with this.

It's good to see you smiling, Eric.

[performer-uk]

Hi Peformer,

Is it that you never slept with a woman because you believe she would reject you for having a small penis?

Allan:confused:

It has been since my late teens, but before that I arent sure what it is.............a mix of a few things I think

[performer-uk]

That's a wonderful idea, Eric, to talk about things you have knowledge in. I've done this at work with customers. It's a great ice-breaker and may loosen you up to further conversations. I'm a sports fan too. I love baseball. So it is easy to talk Red Sox-Yankees with customers since I am well-versed on the subject. What sports do you like?

As to my being a saint, I'm far from that, though I do very much appreciate the compliment. I have a lot of faults. Like you, I also still struggle some with self-confidence, but am much better with this than I used to be. I do very much care, though, you're right about that.

I agree that being proactive would be a great first step. Maybe you could set some goals for yourself? This might help to give you some direction with this.

It's good to see you smiling, Eric.

I think as well, over the last year Ive come to realise the idea of thoughts being only thoughts and not reality. I listen alot to Michael Neill - I know its the whole "life coach" thing, but far from being evangelical or "get out and kick ass" type of thing, it always seemed about realising "it really is ok". But his one of thoughts just being like the tv being on in the background helped me. Theres no real power to thoughts, just if you start acting on them or believing them.......any way that helped.

But I can't ever seem to get over the fact that there are days like today where everything seems hopelessly pointless. Its not even sadness, its emptyness and extreme drowsy tiredness.

Penis is one to just look at and almost with a resigned laugh go "oh yeah theres that too"...........it seems a whole package (as a deliberate pun)......Not sure how to get through these days, only to realise another sleep and I can see how tommorow turns out

[performer-uk]

It has been since my late teens, but before that I arent sure what it is.............a mix of a few things I think

Can I say as well mr.Schwartz

over the last couple of years I just havent been in those situations - its been far from my mind - just been making music, making money where I can, and performing etc etc. its really only been this year where Ive succeeded.

You know one thing, when Im happy and enjoying, penis size doesnt even come into my mind. Two years ago I was abroad and having a great time and got very friendly with a nice German lady. No sex though, only was around her for an evening, but had she been willing I'd have been very very happy to engage in sex. (at least I tell myself that now).

These recent ladies its been the same, they have been obvious in their liking, but none willing to sleep with me after half and hour or so.....unless I just arent a stud enough to talk them into it......

[LonelyGuy]

Feeling lonely depressed and just frustrated about my condition and my life.

[Fedup]

Feeling depressed after a weekend of complete rejection on the dating site. The only one who responded I managed to mess up by being impatient. Just looking into Plastic Surgery now as I can't live with being this ugly. I'm doing the best I can with my body but it seems my face is the problem.

I've had no reason to worry about my penis. At this rate I can't see me ever getting into a situation where I even have to use it. I've been putting money away. I was going to go on holiday but will get the surgery instead.

[malign]

Fed,

Any idea what the average success rate would have been? Not what that dating site would advertise it to be, mind; the real rate? I could easily imagine people joining something like that precisely because they weren't actually ready to meet people in person. It would be a real bad reason to blow a bunch of money on cosmetic surgery, at least.

[curtailed]

Just had a 45-year-old woman at my apartment and gave her a proper finger-fucking and sucked on her... Being that I'm 25 and it was my first time, I felt surprisingly comfortable. It was much more mechanical than I ever expected. To be honest it was exactly as mechanical as I thought it would be. I'm much closer to not being a virgin as I have ever been before - yet I feel no different at all.

It's funny that she went down on me, but I was 1) too drugged (on anti-depressants) and 2) too drunk, and I simply couldn't get any reaction out of myself. Nothing at all. I told her I was embarrassed and I told her the reality... She didn't seem too pissed off but was clearly disappointed, as far as I can tell. The conclusion that I came to was that she really liked what she got, since she was wet all over the place - but that she wouldn't have minded to have some cock in that pussy. She moaned like all hell was coming apart and I was afraid for the neighbors, so I don't feel too bad about myself, in that sense

[Fedup]

I'm not sure. I won't be able to afford the surgery until March anyway. That gives me time to see if anything positive happens between now and then. It's not helping the confidence though. It's the fact that 99% of them are not even responding and giving me a chance to show them my better qualities that's really getting me down.

[Fedup]

Just had a 45-year-old woman at my apartment and gave her a proper finger-fucking and sucked on her... Being that I'm 25 and it was my first time, I felt surprisingly comfortable. It was much more mechanical than I ever expected. To be honest it was exactly as mechanical as I thought it would be. I'm much closer to not being a virgin as I have ever been before - yet I feel no different at all.

It's funny that she went down on me, but I was 1) too drugged (on anti-depressants) and 2) too drunk, and I simply couldn't get any reaction out of myself. Nothing at all. I told her I was embarrassed and I told her the reality... She didn't seem too pissed off but was clearly disappointed, as far as I can tell. The conclusion that I came to was that she really liked what she got, since she was wet all over the place - but that she wouldn't have minded to have some cock in that pussy. She moaned like all hell was coming apart and I was afraid for the neighbors, so I don't feel too bad about myself, in that sense

Yeah mechanical is a very good way to describe it. My first experience with a woman all those years ago was exactly that. It didn't seem very fun at all. I guess it's only the penetration that's good for the men, which is what I never did.

[IrmaJean]

Maybe it feels too mechanical because you are concentrating on the mechanics of it rather than your emotions and the person you are with?

In my view sex is about much more than any pleasurable physical sensations. It isn't about performance. When there is mutual caring between two partners, the connectivity feels much deeper. It's shared expression of affection. When you are with someone you care about, the focus is on the closeness and of coming to recognize your partner. In this caring place...from my personal perspective as a woman...there is no judgment, but only an unfolding awareness of another. The more you become aware, the more you cherish someone. When you feel this way about someone, your intimate encounters with this person will be that much more pleasurable. This pleasure is deeper than purely physical.

How do you feel about this woman, Curtailed?

[performer-uk]

Just had a 45-year-old woman at my apartment and gave her a proper finger-fucking and sucked on her... Being that I'm 25 and it was my first time, I felt surprisingly comfortable. It was much more mechanical than I ever expected. To be honest it was exactly as mechanical as I thought it would be. I'm much closer to not being a virgin as I have ever been before - yet I feel no different at all.

It's funny that she went down on me, but I was 1) too drugged (on anti-depressants) and 2) too drunk, and I simply couldn't get any reaction out of myself. Nothing at all. I told her I was embarrassed and I told her the reality... She didn't seem too pissed off but was clearly disappointed, as far as I can tell. The conclusion that I came to was that she really liked what she got, since she was wet all over the place - but that she wouldn't have minded to have some cock in that pussy. She moaned like all hell was coming apart and I was afraid for the neighbors, so I don't feel too bad about myself, in that sense

Hey mr.Curtailed!

Its weird isnt it - reality is exactly like you said "mechanical" - I remember that feeling - mainly with kissing for the first time etc. it was more like "oh thats all it is" - the REALITY of it is nothing compared to the big horror movie that plays and plays. Reality can be dealt with very easily it seems, but the scary movie cannot - despite watching numerous scary movies and being able to see that they are just a movie when one needs to - the movies we keep seeing about this sort of thing in our minds seem real.

Well done anyways bro! I hope its the start of greater things for you

[performer-uk]

Maybe it feels too mechanical because you are concentrating on the mechanics of it rather than your emotions and the person you are with?

In my view sex is about much more than any pleasurable physical sensations. It isn't about performance. When there is mutual caring between two partners, the connectivity feels much deeper. It's shared expression of affection. When you are with someone you care about, the focus is on the closeness and of coming to recognize your partner. In this caring place...from my personal perspective as a woman...there is no judgment, but only an unfolding awareness of another. The more you become aware, the more you cherish someone. When you feel this way about someone, your intimate encounters with this person will be that much more pleasurable. This pleasure is deeper than purely physical.

How do you feel about this woman, Curtailed?

I think the mechanical description is more out of relief than performance.

More like "ah you do this and you feel this".....which is such an easy and simple way to live compared to all the issues your mind insists will happen.

When I have been excited around a woman, the penis thing hasnt mattered at all oddly enough, despite it not ending in sex at those times.

When Ive been more worried around a woman about the mental movies its not even gotten anywhere to the point of being mechanical!

Anyways I think thats just how I read the word mechanical, thats definitley what it means to me - in REALITY doing something to get something whether that be intimacy or pleasure etc. as opposed to the MOVIE in which you can do nothing to help yourself.

[LonelyGuy]

I keep getting mix messages from women that I know, After I have sometime getting to know them and I think they are nice people they themselves tell me different:confused: I've had different experiences when I am getting to like a girl and she seems nice and everything she suddenly tells me that she is not the good person that I think she is. I had one female friend who I really liked as a sister and we were very close tell me the same thing, We were talking one day and I said to her You know someday I hope to find a girl that is just like you and she said "No not like me somebody better":confused: I don't understand if I'm just to quick to judge people or what is going on but this has happen numerous times now and makes me feel worse about myself

[Symora]

Hi LonelyGuy, I think their saying that is a reflection of their own lack of self esteem, or exagerated humility. I have heard myself say that to a male friend before. He is married to my best girlfriend, and he said that I would be second on his list ... I answered that there were sides of me he did not know about and that he may not like so much. He looked puzzled with that answer, and who can blame him since he was trying to complement me Perhaps it does not reflect on you at all, but on them, is that possible?

[LonelyGuy]

Hi LonelyGuy, I think their saying that is a reflection of their own lack of self esteem, or exagerated humility. I have heard myself say that to a male friend before. He is married to my best girlfriend, and he said that I would be second on his list ... I answered that there were sides of me he did not know about and that he may not like so much. He looked puzzled with that answer, and who can blame him since he was trying to complement me Perhaps it does not reflect on you at all, but on them, is that possible?

Thank you for your response Symora and you have some good points I don't think it's a lack of self esteem on their parts because they are the ones who are always telling me to have confidence in myself :confused:

[IrmaJean]

Lonelyguy, it's often easier to offer encouragement to another in the very ways we may need to offer it to ourselves. It does sound as though these women may be feeling down about themselves. I don't think this would keep them from offering support to you, though. I agree with Symora, that their behavior likely reflects on them and not you.

[LonelyGuy]

Thanks Irma for your help, I guess I have this habit of taking things personally and believing that it is in some ways a rejection of me.