The Protector

[David O]

Am I wrong to hope for that to be rekindled and restored? Is it wrong to hope for the chance to explain myself to her and ask forgiveness so that we can go back to what we had; so that we can laugh and joke together again; share tender moments and be a support to each other as we were? I know she's going through a lot; she always has. It just seems to me that, taking a very little time to deal with what happened between us would be one less thing on the negative side and one more thing on the positive. Am I wrong to think that? Seriously, is that wrong?

One thing I learned from watching my 1st wife try to juggle two men, me as her husband and the other guy as her what started as her emotional affair, was that she lost us both. The old adage of "first things first" applied then and likely applies now: the process of first things first is to break down a complicated/complex issue (which this is) into manageable parts.

The question thus becomes-- Can you be in couples therapy attempting to "join" with your wife while in the background lives another simmering relationship? In couples therapy I usually am quick to tell the partner with the outside interest that he (it's usually the guy) will have to determine where his emotional time, energy, resources and effort will be focused: will it be here in the therapy and with his wife, or will it be with the outside interest, b/c you can't have both simultaneously and feel complete, authentic, and whole inside. Few of us can manage 2 relationships successfully for extended periods, and in the end, everyone is wounded.

John I would never pretend to suggest a direction here, except to say that you will eventually have to make some choices and I think being honest with your wife if you intend to continue to pursue the other, even if it's just a deep friendship, is the most honorable thing you can to to start with.

John, if your very best friend, one you loved like a brother/sister, was in your situation and asked you for the best of your wisdom (and you have that in spades), insights and compassion, what would you tell them?

With understanding,

David

[Jetliner]

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[Jetliner]

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[Symora]

My father used to always say that once you start putting a lot of personal or emotional energy into another relationship than the one with your spouse, then the marriage gets rocky and chances are good it will not survive. I don't think it's because you can't have friends, because we all need them, but if you are too invested in another relationship, then the marriage loses it's luster and your interest starts moving elsewhere. He always felt that if you want your marriage to go the distance, you have to be commited to that person above all others, and vice versa of course. He was married 56 years, until he passed, and they had a good strong marriage.

Things have changed, social mores have changed, people and marriages are different nowadays. But I can see the logic in what he says, and I have seen too many marriages break up because one of the two started an innocent relationship with a friend, many at work, nowadays on the net, and then they became confidants, and eventually the spouse is more in the way than anything because one feels more butterflies and excitement with the new one. If one wants to go the long term with a spouse, there is perhaps wisdom in my father's view...

[Jetliner]

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[David O]

John,

I'm so very sorry, I assumed something based on your writings about the relationship-- they had a certain texture, color, hue and tone that to me implied much more than what was actually occurring. Your writings suggest a certain romance or desire that one doesn't put "to paper" unless there is a hidden sensation. mea culpa... mea culpa!!

If the relationship is Platonic... of course you can and should have several, nay many--- each relationship like that adds to your marriage by making you richer, each one becomes like a dowry. Having said this, Symora's post bears a closer look, she's onto something that i think many of us fail to consider when connecting with others-- especially potential love interests whether we ever mean for them to become so.

I might have missed something here, but what happened that resulted in this sort of "falling out"?

I'll fix my pm's... took them down awhile back and I'll "splain it to you Lucy" when you write in.

Ciao,

David

[Jetliner]

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[IrmaJean]

As you already know, John, I can relate to your situation on some level. My H and I are also very different people. I'm emotional. He's logical. I need depth. He doesn't seem to understand how to be deep. My struggle over the past several years has been trying to get my need for depth met without compromising anything within my marriage. I love my H very much, but this is something I need. So I've been working on forming platonic friendships. This has been challenging. Being self-aware and keeping the boundaries in place is very important. I think I am finding some success with this. So you can too! I agree that these type of platonic friendships may very well enhance your marriage if they are kept in the right perspective.

I hope you got some rest.

[LaLa]

Hello, John,

I’ve read this thread finally and I have so many thoughts in my head now that I don’t know if I’m able to reply, but I’d like to, so I try.

My main idea is: “I can’t tell you anything useful, I’m too inexperienced .” So... please, understand my poor comments as a subjective point of view of a 28 yo woman who doesn’t know enough about life .

I can really relate to your experiences with the intense friendship. My marriage started almost the same way – it was a very deep friendship (but we were both single, 17 yo) which changed my life in almost the same way as your friendship changed yours; one of the biggest differences is that in our case, it became love that leaded to our marriage. So... I feel almost bad writing here how happy I was and am . But I mention it, because it has a continuation related to one of the main issues discussed here. Although my relationship with my husband is still happy and deep, I have never stop to initiate and maintain other friendships similar to the one we had in the beginning! Now, in therapy, I try to understand better the reasons and the needs that push me to do it and... finally I’d like to understand better how to handle it, what to think about it, ... My friendships of this kind are to some extend similar to yours: It always used to be based on correspondence (even though it has always been with somebody I used to meet in my every-day life). Every one of these friendships has been very important, intensive, enriching... to me, but I never had the feeling of “damaging my marriage”. By the way, I should mention that almost each of these friends was male and there was a (quite long) period of time when I felt attracted to him also physically. (By the way, now I have a similar relationship with my therapist – the big difference is, of course, that it’s not a friendship and it’s only “single-sided” – he behaves, of course, as a proper/true therapist , not as a friend – but I enjoy it to the same extend as I used to enjoy the friendships!) The only exception is my present “pen-friend” – she’s a woman (48 yo) and we’ve never met – I know her from this community and we started to communicate by e-mail quite intensively.

I’m sorry that I’m writing so much about myself. But it’s because I try to give an example of having intensive friendships (sometimes also with a physical attraction (by the way; I have a chance because I’m not attractive, so I know I’m not “a danger” to anybody – I knew my male friends would never fall in love with me – and this has always been important to me)) doesn’t have to damage the relationship with a spouse. But, as I said, this is only my personal experience and it’s possible that it’s a rare exception, so I don’t want to say that “this is a rule”. However, my experiences are the reason why I think there is a chance for you to fix your marriage and, at the same time, to fix your friendship and enjoy both. Maybe I’m naïve, but... I wish you could manage it. Considering how close you are with your friend, I suppose she can get through this hard period of disappointment and get back to you – you would both be more aware, more experienced, ... But it will probably take time.

Wish you good luck!!!

P.S.: Now I've read IJ's post and I'm glad to see what she's written! ;-)

[Jetliner]

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[IrmaJean]

I had some additional thoughts about this, John.

I think there is some fantasy involved in imagining meeting the "perfect other". In truth, I'm not convinced there is ever a perfect other, though certainly some partners might be a better match for us. In the end, all and any of us have numerous flaws and imperfections. The key is being able to accept the flaws and appreciating all that we do have. The grass is not always greener elsewhere, but maybe our eyes have become blinded to the beauty right before us.

I think that we are always striving and wanting to seek out "more". But I also believe that there is a healthy balance between searching for more and appreciating what is already there. Maybe there is some fear in looking hard at what is very close to us so we fantasize of what "could be" with another.

When I think of my H, my heart expands. There are things about him that annoy me, things I don't even admire...but at the end of the day, there is also a whole lot that I adore and appreciate. And I wouldn't ever want to forget about that by daydreaming of prince charming. I want what is real and here..and what I know. Who I know... You grow together as you learn more. I've always thought the process of knowing someone through and through is what loving is all about. It's about seeing someone for who they are and not who you'd like them to be. Really seeing someone...flaws and all...and having a friend...

I got off on a tangent here, but hopefully you understand what I've been getting at here with this. I hope you have been feeling better.

[Jetliner]

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[IrmaJean]

I wasn't trying to imply anything, John. Just putting some ideas out there as thoughts to consider. One thing I have discovered on this site is that sometimes trying to support another actually helps me. So I do think I was processing some as I was writing that and talking some to myself. The power of a group support page, I imagine.

[Jetliner]

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