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The Protector


Jetliner
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What you wrote is very moving. You are such a brave person that you can put your feelings out there like that. You are able to see what you did wrong and admit it, and act on it....not an easy thing, I know. I think that shows what a good hearted person you are. I hope your friend forgives you and decides your friendship is worth having again.

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I definitely feel very proud of you right now, Jetliner. You've taken a hard look at your behaviors and owned up to your errors along the way. You're a special and caring person and I hope you know that.

Letting go can be freeing in its own way. Life's a paradox at times. Sometimes what we hold onto tightly is what we eventually lose. Sometimes what we let go of comes back to embrace us. Even if you do lose this friendship, you've gained a clearer knowledge of yourself, your behaviors as well as your gifts. I think there is importance in understanding all that may be gained within a loss. It's a journey and there will be mistakes along the way...we might take a wrong turn...or even fall down...but each step can be a learning process that allows us to experience life and to grow in positive ways. The key is, I believe, keeping your eyes open and looking ahead at the potential beauty down the road.

Take care, John. Be strong. Keep walking. There are sure to be a lot of friends beside you along the way.

Edited by IrmaJean
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That was very brave and very beautiful to read. Sometimes when we share so much with people whether on line or in person feelings can become very strong. I think it's great that you have come to some conclusions about yourself along the way. But I don't think you should continue to beat yourself up about it.

I had a good friend who've I've known for years. The beginning of this year he suddenly came on a bit strong confessing he had always loved me. I must admit I ran for the hills, unfortunately I didn't feel the same way. But the reason I ran was not because of him to be honest. I felt embarrassed because I didn't know how to handle the situation. I didn't know what to say, how to say no without hurting his feelings or sounding like I thought I was better than him...which was not the case.

So I just disappeared for a while. I found out last month he had a bereavement and something clicked in my head about how I had behaved. So we are know in contact and meeting up soon.

I think this would have happened eventually anyway. I just needed time to get my head round it. It was a bit scary as well for some reason. I think sometimes being a woman there is a little bit of a natural uncertainty if a man finds you attractive...if that makes sense. Anyway once I had processed it, saw it for what it really was I felt comfortable to get back in contact.

Anyway, I hope you can maintain some sort of friendship after all you've been through. And well done for being so open :(

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Hold those gifts, John, and know they are yours. Others may help you find your inner light, but once you know of the light, it is yours. Something can't be brought to fruition if the potential wasn't there in the first place.

Letting go means letting go of control and simply being. You can embrace your own gifts too. It's okay to do that. Let yourself feel your own goodness. That isn't respective of another person. That's all you...your love, your hope, your light...

I like Calla's idea of writing a song. Express yourself through your music and connect with yourself this way. We'll listen and share with you if you'd like.

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I can relate to the feeling of not belonging, though I have the sense that these feelings have deeper meaning for you.

Perhaps you can bring her joy by allowing her to freely discover her own. Not being able to give has always been extremely painful for me as well. But sometimes letting go of that need is the best way to offer it. I know it's hard, John, but I have faith in you. I hope you have faith in yourself.

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Guest GingerSnap

Jetliner: Thank you for sharing that. I know it must be hard but you have learned so much from this and, from what I have read, a lot of people can benefit from your insight. You get an A+ on this post. Cathy:)

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Hi, John,

I just want to say I'm looking forward to reading this therad, but, unfortunately, I don't have so much time today. But even now I feel the compassion for you and I'm glad that you're so open and generous and shared it here...

L.

Edited by LaLa3
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That's beautiful. Isn't it always the most painfully ironic thing that the majority of the world's most beautiful and inspiring art has come from a painful place. Whether it is music, paintings, poetry.

Music is such a powerful thing. It has saved me on many occassions.

Do you have lyrics that go with your music as well? I wish I was more musical. I've always wanted to play the violin but musical ability is not something I possess!

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Good morning John,

I'm so very sorry for all of this... I know that in my lifetime I've had a couple of emotional affairs and that at some point I wasn't able to decipher where my guilt came from-- from having pulled someone in or being pulled in even tho I was married at the time, or from having hurt the person I so wanted to love as I thought they deserved.

In my 18 year marriage to my first wife, who had very severe Bipolar Disorder-- that I reached out to, or was the recipient of, the emotional (not physical) affections of several women. When the divorce ended, I waited about 24 months and began to date one of them and it soon became apparent that I was either going to have to part with my image/illusions of her, or with her: I parted with both in the end as I needed to season and mature a bit more. Approximately 3 months later, the 2nd love interest surfaced from the dance we had had while I was married, and we also dated and that relationship lasted for about 18 months. Here too, I had to decide how much was her and how much was me imagining her or projecting my desires onto her. Seems I didn't learn from my 1st two lessons and again entered into another relationship... but this time with a married woman:eek: whose own marriage was unsteady but not lost. I felt her pain, I so wanted to touch her in ways that would ease it and be able to loan her of my own strength-- and so i began to do so and in the end, my involvement did help push her marriage over the precipice a year later and they divorced.

I was wondering where you relationship is with your wife (and child) that would allow for an opening such as you describe. I'm not judging you (how could I given my history??) as much as I'm trying to understand what brought you to the point that you would have an emotional affair with someone you never met face to face, or spent a great deal of "real time" with. I know from my experience that in these relationships, everything and every moment is like Xmas--- and I also know that Xmas becomes something different once the shade has been drawn.

John, I ask this with kindness and understanding in my heart and not to have you feel more guilt or to question your morality.

Compassionately,

David

Edited by David O
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John,

I've had a couple of forced relationships, if you will-- those where I'm into 3D chess and she's into Candyland-- or was it she that was into 3D chess and I was into marbles?? Either way, they're very tough to sustain as the connections are often at odd places and for odd reasons and in very shallow ways, so I went outside of the relationship (as in friendships) to have those deeper needs met and also to not burden her with having to "entertain" that side of me. These friendships were like a release valve that kept the relationship alive--- but one can only go along for so long until you look at your life and begin to wonder/ask: Is this the meaning I brought to this, is this the meaning I created in my 50-60-70 years? I say this b/c as I approach the October of my life (you're in the July of yours), I now begin to ask whether my life has been a diminution of what it could have been, or a blooming of what it was crafted to be?

I don't think in mechnicals as much now as I did 12-15 years ago-- I think in global ways: have I filled my beaker with life, have I absorbed and integrated all that I could like a fire does a piece of wood, have I lived fully and did I lead a fulfilled life. It is as Carl Jung once said: "An old man who cannot bid farewell to life appears as feeble and sickly as a young man who cannot embrace it."

In Plato's Symposium humans are described as being round and having four hands and four feet that created this circular being with a face in the front and one in the back. These beings were immensely powerful and the God's feared them; consequently, Zeus decided to cut them into halves. After the division each half became desperate for the other so they threw their arms around each other in a desperate attempt to reunite into one being, literally starving themselves because they refused to do anything apart from each other. According to Plato, so primitive is this desire to be connected,... to be together,... to join-- but one can't just join anyone as the puzzle pieces don't always match well. So, we spend our lives in search of that other half (and there can be many other halves as there can be many soul-mates in life, the issue is finding at least one of them). And what I hear you saying is that this person may well be one of the other halves while your wife may well not?

What a conundrum!

If you feel comfortable, please feel free to pm me. Thanks for trusting me with this.

David

Edited by David O
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