Pakhawaj Posted October 7, 2010 Report Share Posted October 7, 2010 I don't know if it is just because I haven't slept in a while and I am delirious, but I feel as if there is a slim chance of me having a good life. I feel awful for even typing that out. I know that I don't deserve to live and that the chances are if I tried to do anything I would feel dreadful about it but there's this wee bloody glimmer of hope and I hate it. Part of me is urging me to suppress it quickly before it develops but part of me is saying to just ignore it (possibly in the hope that it develops). I can predict what responses I am going to receive regarding this and I don't particularly want advice on how I should let this feeling flourish, I want advice about how I can deal with the conflict, it seems clear to me that there are opposing sides.I don't know what to do, it scares me to think that I'm fooling myself into thinking I've a chance at life, it disgusts me that I'd entertain the idea that I'm worth living but at the same time I'm not making an active effort to suppress this thought and instead living with a dilemma.I'm terribly sorry if this post is incomprehensible, I'm sorry that I'm whinging when my life is so trivial and I'm sorry that you know some of my thoughts.Edit: I'm worried my recent indulgences have lead me to this state, I have allowed myself to do so much of late but I don't want to give myself such heavy punishments like I have done in the past even though I know it would be right. I suppose this battle is a battle of consciences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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