figuring things out

[randomperson]

I come to realize the biggest problems I am struggling with stem with the two people I am closest too my mother and my ex? girlfriend. All of us have been through too much this last year and we all struggle with emotional problems in our own way. There are other things giving problems as well but if I can figure out things in these two areas I think I will be ok.

But as I said I am struggling with it.. I need help and advice.

My ex is in another state it was always long distance but we grew pretty close.

We don't really fight but she has trouble getting close, and in turn I tend to be clingy. I recently realized she broke up for me because of this. She said she loves me but still withdraws. I barely hear from her. She is going through a lot right now. When I do get a message she says the sweetest things.

I can't move to be with her because I have to care for my mother who is in really bad health. My mother is just the opposite she wants me to be around her all the time because she is alone. I think at times though I try not to I blame her for a lot that has happened.

Things are rocky over all with everyone. Ups and downs.

I'm not really sure what all of this means, or what I should do..

All of it first triggered others problems with me (why I came into these forums).. but I have since figured these issues in this thread are my root problems making the others worse.

[randomperson]

Example of one thing stirring me up. The day before Thanksgiving my ex wrote and said I was always the light in her darkness. Said she didn't know why she had spells where she didn't talk. Thanksgiving she said she missed talking to me and that was the last I have heard from her. She is going through custody but doesn't talk about it. I likely won't hear back for many days.. it wasn't always like this. It is odd she has grown more open in her messages about her feelings but she writes much much less. We used to talk at least once a day, now she goes weeks, months without even saying hello.

The roof started leaking last night and it reminded me the house is on its last legs. My mother says she doesn't think any woman would understand the circumstances in my life right now.. and I kinda agree.

I still feel trapped and very lonely. Not sure what to do or even what to feel.

Not sure if what I am doing is setting myself up to be hurt again.

Not really sure how she feels even though her family and even she said she loves me just last month.

I feel very mixed up about a lot of things. Wish I could have someone step in for a year or two make all the right choices and then give my life back to me haha.

[randomperson]

I realized people following my posts must think I am really messed up lol

Sorry for that I have used these forums to just release a lot of the feelings and pains I had built up.

Things really are not too bad with my mother. We care for each other and just both hurting right now. Main issue with her is she has the emotional problem of extreme hoarding and will not let me clean the house. She requires me to show her everything being thrown away and her health is such she can't do that long at all. I'm living in houses like you see on TV and growing tired of it.

Everything else that has me feeling trapped is not a fault for either of us just bad circumstances.

The long distance thing that is another story. Lot I'm not sure on with that lol.

At times not being able to see from the outside looking in I wonder just how much of the problems I have is my fault, or things I can change.. and how much is not. And the things I can change I wonder how.

I want to be happy. Am I wrong for not being satisfied with my life as it is?

[chatterbox512]

Randomperson,

I am not sure why you are apologizing about what you are writing in your posts, that is why we are all on this forum because we need help dealing with lifes challenges.

You are a very strong person to deal with all that is on your plate right now.

From what I have seen in all the hoarding shows, most of the people who are hoarding feel trapped by this behavior but don't know how to get out of it. I am sure she appreciates you being patient with her on that.

Are you happy with the current situation with your girlfriend? If not what would you do to make it so? What do you think she needs to be happy with the relationship? Is it worth the effort? Custody battles are very stressful on everyone involved, is it new or has it been going on awhile? I only ask because that give an idea of how long you may have to deal with it. If it is just starting that is obviously going to be very different than if it is coming to a close.

I believe that if you give a woman a chance to understand your situation, they would surprise you in how accepting they are. Don't give up on that!! Have faith and be patient!! The year is almost over

[randomperson]

Thank you so much for your response

I feel guilt sometimes for not knowing the right things to say or do.

Low self esteem and problems with rejection is some of my problems and often it translates into even what I write. I over worry and I don't know how to stop that..

I am making slow progress with my mother.. I think lol.

We are talking more about things. The house still worries me.. even if I start working on it this week.. I think it will take years to get it normal.. that scares me..

As for the woman I love..

[can't really call her my girlfriend or ex right now ]

I am not happy.. but I don't know what to do because instead of working things out she ignores problems, simply doesn't talk things out like we need so desperately to do. I am not sure what to do.. I have tried everything I can think of.

That is the biggest issue I have.. when I know what to do..what I can do..

it is how I get peace and resolution. It is where I find my comfort.

The ignoring is really the only issue I find super hard to deal with..

All the other issues with her I don't mind that much. I have tried telling her but it doesn't seem to help. She said she doesn't know why she goes through phases of not talking. She wasn't always like this.. had other problems lol.. but didn't ignore me. We used to talk several times a day.

The custody just started but there is a lot going on with it that they are not telling me or even her sister about. I know she has a court date scheduled soon, and her ex came over to "work things out on paper". After that, the silent treatment from her and her mom kicked in. Her ex is trying to manipulate the situation as he always does. Abusers do what they do for power and control.

You ask what she needs to be happy with the relationship. I ask myself that everyday.. When she does talk according to her I am what she needs. She said in her last message I have always been the light in her darkness. Once she said I was good looking, kind, everything she needed and that I would be perfect for her. They have practically accepted me as family at times. So I don't know.. if I did I would do it.. whatever it took. She gives so many mixed signals.. seems like I am in constant limbo with her. Never close, yet never totally out of the picture.

As for me.. I love her deeply... she stresses me out.. I have even tried leaving it has been so stressful and painful.. but I feel horrible without her.

I would do anything to make it work.. but I struggle with knowing if it can?

I always believed true love could conquer all.. I am a hopeless romantic lol.. but this has really tested my beliefs in that phrase ;p

The one positive thing right now with her. Her sister has always been there for me.. the one member in her family that has always kept talking, treating me right. She said just this morning that she was going to try to find answers for me and get back. She also said she didn't think I should worry.

Shows how I do over worry though I checked her sisters FB wall and saw hours after she wrote me she commented in a strange manner on her public wall "Glad to know it's just a game. Disappointment has a name." I find myself wondering what that means..

My mind gets to thinking about small things like this.. I over analyze and I hate it. She said not to worry I shouldn't worry.. at least till I know what is going on.

Over and over I do hear be patient.. I think that is the key. But it is so hard for me.. It fights against the very core of who I have become from all that I have faced. I don't know how to be patient on things like this if that makes since.

[nathan]

What are you being patient for exactly? Do you think anything is going get better if you do nothing? I dont mean to offend you at all im just trying to understand maybe help..

What you are doing now isn't working. When she says that your her light in her darkness, she is probably saying that becuase you are ALWAYS there for her. She has no one else to say that to when she is feeling that way (people usually feel in the dark when the have no one they can talk to).

But you say she never talks anymore.....

That means that she only talks to you when there is no one else for her to talk to!!

think about it.

You say its she is out of state, and its always been that way.

I'm confused, how close have you guys actually been then?

You ask youself everyday what she needs to be happy in the relationship?

Would you say that you are in a relationship now? It doesnt really sound like it man. She's says your kind and good looking... Forget about looks they don't matter to women, and if kind is what she needed, she would be with you all the time man, becuase by the sound of it your trying to be kind to her all the time.

But thats the problem man, you are TRYING to be kind. Theres a difference. Real evidence of you being kind to her would not come in the form of her saying that you are kind to her in any verbal sense;, real evidence of you being kind to her would be this: HEr wanting to be with you all the time. She would much rather have someone like that. IF you could give that to her then you would be kind. But doesn't sound like thats the case. It sound slike shes putting you off.

IT seems like ypou in constant Limbo, and she sends you mixed signals?

If you truly feel that way, then unless you can somehow reverse that, I dont see anything changing. Being patient wont help.

Your way too dependant on her man. Somehow you gota get feeling good, and if she disrupts you and your feelings of goodness, then you should not put up with that. There is no reason she should make you feel stuck in limbo. You gotta get out of that. You don't have time for that bs, And you don't have time to be patient.

You say she stresses you out. I think you need to be a little more stern. You seem way to concerned about her feeling and not at all concered about your own. .

Ive had girls feel exaclty the way you describe yourself feeling, except they feel that way about ME. And guess what? They usually feel that way about me when im not that into them.

I think you gotta change the dynamics of the relationship, if its to get anywhere. The most important step to that is making sure you are feeling good, and definitely NOT being stressed out about what she wants.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Random,

I also do not know what you are apologizing for. You do not sound "messed up," at least no more than every human being is.

I also want to point out that what you are going through is not your fault and is not anyone's fault.

In my experience, long distance relationships do not work because they are long distance. Distance in miles is a way to keep emotional distance and your ex girl friend seems to need to keep that distance. That is a problem of her's and was never caused by you.

As for your mother, living with a hoarder is impossible. Your mother has an emotional problem and the symptom is her hoarding. What about getting your own place and moving out?

Also, what about moving on from this girlfriend to someone who could be a much more satisfying for you?

Allan

[randomperson]

Thanks everyone. I likely do need to move on from my ex, in my heart I feel it. Tried many times before. Have not talked to her for two months once then she wrote back that her father was dying. I end up feeling worse (totally) away from her normally.. get very depressed and time doesn't change it.

As for my mother I can't move out.. and that is why I feel so trapped. I was moving on had bought a house was about to move out.. then her husband found out he was dying.

Up until then I had to watch over her because had been abusive to her until one day I stood up to him.. got a bloody mouth but he never hit her again.. until the last days.. another long story..

My mother is a good person she has been through so much.. she is disabled in pain all the time and can barely get around.. I have to take care of her everyday. I'm the last of the family.. no one to help.

Hard weekend.. Mom says I am never around all the time I am around her lol.

Seems like we are always in small spats now. She is crying all the time.. it is so draining.. I feel so lost and alone. Like nothing can or will get better no matter what I do..

I hate life.

[randomperson]

As for my ex.. I have always been kind to her. I have not told all I have done to support and help her, her daughter and her family. Both emotionally and otherwise.

Her father was my best friend for many years. I have been there for her. I have. I got her past some of the emotional pains of the abusive relationship she was in even. That was near impossible.. but I didn't give up and helped her.

I'm not sure what is happening or has happened with us.. but none of the problems has been from me not being kind.. more than just saying.. doing. Her not being with me has nothing to do with that.. that is the only thing I do know without a doubt right now.

[chatterbox512]

I just want to say go with your gut!! If it says its time to move on from your girl friend, than maybe it really is time to move on. It is better to move on and still be friends than to make it so that neither of you can tolerate the sight of each other.

Your happiness is the most important, and since you seem to have so much on your plate right now, you have to make the ultimate decision on what is worth the stress.

[randomperson]

This site always helps me to feel a tad better. Very grateful.

Especially when I am really hurting like today.

She hasn't wrote for about a week and a half now. For the most part it has been over for about a year now. It is just hard because I still love her with all my heart, and hearing her say she still loves me at times always gives me hope.. I don't know..

As for remaining friends.. that is the problem. She just isn't talking. When she does she says the sweetest things, even now. Seems closer than ever.

If a friendship without talking at all is still a friendship then we will always be friends.

I have tried breaking contact about 4 times now. Always drives me into a very deep depression. Something always brings me back, one time it was her father passing away.. other times it is either she has got herself in big trouble.. or always something. One time her sister asked me to come back one time my ex herself did.

..I guess I'll just have to try breaking contact again

Hard right around Christmas.

I have tried dating in the past after we broke up

(for the first time ever~she was my first/only girlfriend unless kindergarden counts lol)

The whole experience didn't go well so well. It was on those online dating sites. Got ignored a lot! (seems to be a running theme with me and women lol)

And the few dates I had either it was not a good match for either of us or I came off too nervous. I have no clue where to just meet single women, or if I should even try with all that is going on in my life.

So it is not like I can just up and find someone else.

Funny I make friends really easy.. wouldn't think it would be so hard to find someone special in my life. But it seems near impossible.

On top of that mom makes me feel guilty about the whole thing.

I feel myself cracking under all the pressure of everything again.

I can't do that but I don't no what I can do to stop it.

[nathan]

hey random,

This might get confusing, it might be very long, and i don't mean to take over your post or anything,,,but im just trying to possibly help you out. I used to love a girl for a long time, but never got anywhere. But now I get a lot of girls, including that girl, although we have gone our own ways now, I have my own problems. clearly.

=> means 'then'

Her father was my best friend for many years. I have been there for her. I have. I got her past some of the emotional pains of the abusive relationship she was in even. That was near impossible.. but I didn't give up and helped her.

I'm not sure what is happening or has happened with us.. but none of the problems has been from me not being kind.. more than just saying.. doing. Her not being with me has nothing to do with that.. that is the only thing I do know without a doubt right now.

Her not being with me has nothing to do with that

her not being with you has EVERYthing to do with that. We have scientific (observational) proof for this.

Let's break this down a bit.

-you've known her for most of your life, and have always loved her.

-you want to be with her in intimate level.

-consequently you have always tried to be kind and supportive to her.

What has her reaction been to this?

-her staying out of state.

-her often ignoring you

-her not being intimate with you (aside from the occational calls, when she is feeling lonely, or needs help)

-her seeing OTHER men

-her seeing other men that 'abuse' her.

Therefore, you loving her and being kind to her => her not being with you.

Theres a cause and effect relationship here.

But just in case your thinking ' well there could be other causes for her not being withe me' lets look at a different angle...

From her perspective, she has you, who she has known all her life,

who has put out for her repeatedly. Then she has other men who abuse her.

And who does she choose to be with? Other men that abuse her. What, on earth, could possibly cause her to make such an irrational decision?

First of all, we have a new cause and effect relationship goin on:

Men that are abusive => her having an intimate relationship

Now, what is the key ingredient to any intimate relationship? Attraction.

So, when she is having an intimate relationship, there must be attraction.

THus we now have, a new relationship:

her having an intimate relationship=> must be attraction.

So we got these two relationships:

Men that are abusive => her having an intimate relationship

her having an intimate relationship=> must be attraction

by combining the two, we can say: men that are abusive => attraction.

Now, you definitely do not want to be abusive to her, you love her, and you shouldnt be abusive to anyone anyway. So, The path to attraction, altough she is attracted to abusive men, is going to have to find some alternative method.

Just becuase you can't be abusive to her, does not necessarily mean you cannot attract her, there could be other ways to do so.

We know: You loving her and being kind to her => no intimate relationship

Now this is the strange, seemingly contradictive part. THe equivalent of the above condition is:

You having intimate relationship => you not loving her and being kind to her.

remember this, just so it doesn't seem so crazy:

Men that are abusive => her having an intimate relationship

We can see some parallels there cant we.

We could almost say 'you not being kind a loving to her = you being an abusive man', and therefore by connecting the two.

But there's some gray area...we have really look into what being kind and loving is.

To put it simply, kind and loving is not attraction. They are actually separate things. IT's the distinction between 'love' and 'lust'. IF all she sees in you is 'love', if your whole self, in her image, is one of pure 'love', then that is something she cannot be attracted to.

IF,however, you appeared, in her image, to something more than pure love, lets say you are love AND lust, then the totality of yourself is different. Then the condition: You having intimate relationship => you not loving her and being kind to her, does not apply to you, Beacuase you no longer display the traits of love, but the traits of a combination of both love and lust.

IT must be that 'You loving her and being kind to her' contains nothing in it which is attractive.

IT is NOT to say that 'You loving her and being kind to her' => then no attraction, that would be illogical...on more then one level.

But what it does say is: 'You loving her and being kind to her' is not ENOUGH to attract her. You need something else!!!

(On a side note however, Many women are repelled by men that appear 'loving and kind' beacuse they assume this connection, becuase it is often the case that men who are loving and nice, are men that they are not attracted to---they assume that that is all they have offer)...ANd that is partly why they easily fall for men that are abusive)

It is,however, a fallacy. You can be loving and caring AND be attractive.

BUT you can't only be kind and loving, you need something else.

WHy is it that abusive men are attractive? It's becuase they display traits that are attractive (obviously). But they display them as side effects of their own disorder-- They are not mentally tuned in a way that allows them to accept their dependance on other people. They act like the are the man, the boss, they act as if nothing will hurt them. Consequently, they take charge, they lead in relationships, they DONT ask questions. THey just go.

THose are some attractive qualities. Leaders are attractive. Why? becuase it takes the away the strain, the anguish of making your own choice!! Not to go all sartre on you, but people find it easier for others to make decision for them!! It's like a relief from a responsibilitie, and its nice. IT's KIND (a different kind of kind)!!!! Most importantly, it's attactive. It makes things UNPREDICTABLE, becuase, people never know what the leader will say, but they always follow the leader, that makes their life unpredictable...this is EXCITING, which is also attractive.

Leaders also appear RELAXED and indifferent, becuase since they think they are the boss, they are not FOLLOWING other people, and therefore: their life is NOT unpredictable. they are not anticipating anything, because anything they do is on their own will. BEing relaxed and not all anxious in anticipation is attractive becuase it is a sign of a leader, and leaders are attractive!!!

That's kinda wierd actually, the most unpredictable people then, are the ones who know exactly what they are doing!!

So basically, how do these qualities relate to your relationship with her? By the sounds of it, you seem to be displaying qualities opposite to all these.

That's why she is with other men.

When you find your self 'waiting patiently', what does that tell her??? It tells her that you surrender all your leader ship roles (and therefore ALL your attractive qualities) to her. She is the boss in the relationship, and she knows it. Women have lots of choices, so she is going to choose someone that else that is more attractive, via leadership qualities.

Abusive men are alternatives to real men. Real men can lead, but they don't abuse it.

You dont need to stop talking to her, I thinkk you gota stop considering her your gf, and meet some women in your area. In fact It would probably work to your advantage if she found out you were dating some one else. And you should. Theres no reason at this point to feel obliged to be with her.

ANywaayy, you knwo what Im saying at all?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Randomperson,

When a relationship ends it is almost always depressing because it feels like a death. That is why you have to go through a period of mourning. I know it hurts real bad but you can remind yourself that feeling miserable is normal under these circumstance: breaking up.

We here for you and know that we are very supportive of you.

Allan

[randomperson]

Thank you everyone. I am feeling a bit better today.

Nathan your right I am too submissive. Comes from growing up under abuse myself. I had to be very submissive, no choice. It is something I have to work hard on fixing. And thank you for the message, it does help.

I have not called her my gf in a long time. This is really the first time I have told myself it is over in my heart.. and it hasn't felt like my life is over. Perhaps it is because so much bad has and is going on already lol.

Had another talk with my mother. She promised to work with me on the house when it gets warmer weather. Not sure if she will or not.. but it is something.

[randomperson]

Been thinking about it and I think I will try to move on completely. Especially if I don't hear from any of her family this week

As I said I tried before but something always happens to draw me back.

She always pokes at me when she thinks she has lost me.. sometimes it is weeks or even months later, but I will say as time goes on it is less and less. ..So I will need everyone's support. I know me I'll get weak if she starts talking again lol.

..but something needs to change. Either she does or I need to move on.

If she does write.. I might ask for advice at that time. I do love her and would like it to work out if possible. But I also need to be realistic. I need stability and I need to be able to communicate that with her where she understands.

So that is kinda what I have been thinking about today.

..what kept me coming back besides my love for her.. at times I really think she does love me back.. not just words. She has said she loved me even recently (just last month).. her mother has said she loves me.. even her sister did. When I did talk to her mother the way she said her daughter reacted to her just mentioning me she was practically bubbling with excitement and signs of real love. It makes this tough. That is why I said she sends mixed signals. Perhaps it is just words.. perhaps it is that I am too submissive and that is the problem. I'm not sure. I feel weak always thinking about her not able to move on like most people.

Wish I knew. ..look at me still thinking about it sigh.. Got a long road ahead of me ;p

[randomperson]

So today still feeling fairly ok. Trying to get personal closure with my ex.

Of course I have been off and on for a year now lol. I realize she likely won't give me the answers I seek, nor will I ever truly know what her feelings are.

But the fact that she is writing less and less and taking longer to poke at me as time goes by helps. Tried one last time to get answers.. but basically taking the first steps yet again to break away. Not even really sure if I will hear back anymore..

But on a pleasant side note having a party in Jan that should be fun

Just not sure where to meet women that would be a good match for me, that would like me as I am. It is like finding a job most of the times it is networking and quite honest I have no connections in that area

.. outside of school or a big corporate environment neither of which is applicable for me.. where do you go to meet new people without looking like a stalker?

One time I read if you have to ask yourself if you are ready to date again then your not ready... maybe I'm not ready yet..

Personal issue for me this brings up I tend to be everything or nothing. And that is a personal issue. It is hard for me to be neutral. I either want to hit the gas or breaks. I am not sure why or how to change that flaw I have... not even sure what causes it.

[randomperson]

..I think three things keep me holding on to her.

1 I was so close to her father for so many years.. I see a lot of her fathers personality in her.

2 She was my first GF and that was when I was 30 (now 31 almost 32). When I did try dating afterwards.. it was a horrible experience for me. Part of me feels she is my one chance at finding love. I know this is false thinking just explaining what is happening.

3 She is a lot of what I dream of in a relationship.. minus the whole ignoring lol. When we do talk it seems we really connect. The other people I dated didn't work that way.

I know I must move past all of this. I'm not sure what steps I need to do to make the process easier. I want to be able to stop loving her and move forward and never look back. As I said it has been a year now and I still find it difficult even to stop thinking of her. I'm not sure why, if it is my low self esteem or what.

[randomperson]

So today I am at conflict internally. Her sister wrote back last night and said there was nothing to worry about. Said she stays really busy and still reads all of my messages, but because I write so much she feels she needs a lot of time to respond. Time she doesn't have right now. Suggested I write shorter messages Who me write long messages.. nonsense lol.

Maybe I jumped to conclusions once more. Maybe I am too "glass half empty"

How do I stop that trait in myself?

How do I be at peace with life and just coast like so many people do?

Regardless I did get way too over anxious. I tend to do that on many things, to always think the worst, and react.. it gets me into sooo much trouble

I need to stop that!

Any tips?

[randomperson]

Guess I am kind of using this thread as an open journal.

Lot happened last night and today.

Mom laid a bomb shell on me. Basically said she was slowly dying, without saying it.

Not sure how much is true and how much is not because she refuses to go to the Dr anymore. I do know she has a tumor in her neck.. and I know she is in a lot of pain. I feel so bad for her. I ask what I can do to make her happy and she says I can't be happy anymore.

..and this is the part where I eat a little crow lol. Turns out I think I overreacted to my ex not writing. As I stated in my last post her sister did write and said everything was fine. She wrote last night and re confirmed it was my long messages causing a lot of the issues. She was very sweet in her message. The woman I fell in love with. Nathan if your still reading you will be proud to know she is def interested in more than just a friend type of way

The message made me blush a bit lol.

I'm a little nervous I jump to conclusions so quickly.

I hate that trait in myself. Trying hard to fix it, but other than brute force catching myself and slapping my hand mentally not sure what else to do.

Trying to take this slow. Coast like I need to do. Not brake or gas like I normally do.

If I can do this with her regardless if it works out or not.. it will be a HUGE step forward for me.

Soo lot of mixed emotions right now.. I am worried about my mother.

[nathan]

ey man, honestly, I cant really know, becuase Im not you, but I think she is just ´poking´ at you again. You said you wrote a lot of long messages and she took along time to respond...I think she finally responds out of obligation, not out of attraction. That´s not what you want...unless you wnat to continue being her friend. Of course icoukld be wrong.

Either way, I still think you need to start dating other women. If she ends up being attracted to you, then by all means go for it, but DONT wait for it. It sound slike you are waiting for it again. Also let her know somehow, not directly, that you arnt just going to sit around waiting for her.

Also, being with another woman will take your mind off her. Basically being with another women will make her more attracted to you, and make you less worried about her. Be with some other women, regrdless of what she wants, For both of your sakes.

anyway those are just my thoughts, they are not necessarily real are they.

[randomperson]

Didn't think about it but you might be right, hard to know for sure.

As for dating other women I doubt many women would be patient with my current situation with my mother..

I feel trapped sometimes. I can't get out much.. no vacations. I doubt seriously I would be able to be in a close relationship right now mom requires so much attention and can be demanding at times. Very frustrating.

No one I can even get upset at.. mom can't help that she is disabled she is having things much worse than me. I feel bad that I feel so frustrated if that makes sense.

Even if the relationship is an illusion. It is kinda nice having that illusion right now around Christmas. I feel so alone at times.

Thanks though Nathan. Very well might be right. When things calm down some I might come back on and talk see if I can get advice and tips on what I should do with all that is going on.

[randomperson]

I just need to type today. I have this growing anxiety everyday.. a feeling of being penned that it is my fault I can't be happy.. that I should be able to do better than I am. I am getting a unhealthy growing bitterness towards things.

My mother's mental state seems to be slowly getting worse. She refuses to go out with friends requires me to be around her more and more. Very fragile right now when I talk to her.. some days it is hard to not be in a conversation with her where she doesn't cry or get mad, other days things are fine. I'm not sure if it is just me or what is going on with her. She claims she is on the verge of dying.. I'm not sure if it is true or just her mental condition (though I do know she is very sick) and she refuses to go to the Dr. It is very stressful. I naturally worry for her.

It ties in with this dating issue I have as well. She says I can go on dates/ meet someone.. but then on the rare occasion I do she starts throwing problems up if and refuses to compromise at all. Again I'm not sure if it is me just seeing things or if she is doing it on purpose.

She even did it with the woman I keep blabbering on and on about.

It feels like the perfect storm. Like when I was a child and in the middle of domestic violence. She kept telling me to keep quite, don't tell anyone about the abuse. That everything would be ok. That all other families went through things like this. When he would simmer down she would say he has changed this time.. but he never did not until I stood up to him. Even that she got mad at at the time. Blamed me for 'breaking up the family'. Last year we got that resolved in a conversation we both cried at the end of.

I never could be with other kids my age. I struggled to make sense of life just like I am now.

So I just tried to be the perfect child but nothing ever changed.. it slowly warped my mind.

Even as a child I knew something wasn't right.

It is like am inside the looking glass. Life seems backwards, nothing makes sense to me. I get temporary peace but nothing that lasts. I don't know the answers. What I should do with any of this.

[randomperson]

Thankfully found out last night the Dr has just refused to refill any other my mother's prescriptions until she comes in to see him. That is a huge blessing. She needed to seem him weeks ago.

Maybe I should post all of this in blogs.. don't know. Really have not explored the site or its features much except for this forum.

Tired. Lonely and emotionally wore out. Glad to have a place where I can just talk. Get it all out of my system no matter what I am feeling at the time.

Been thinking a lot about the advice everyone has given. Thank you.

[randomperson]

Ok so update of the day. Had my weekly meeting with the owner of the company I work for and found out despite two years of increased sales during this crazy economy my job might not be secure.

Not that I am for sure losing it.. it is complicated, but it has nothing to do with work performance or anything I have done wrong. Basically he might take the company in a different direction, one that might not involve my current position.

Mom really stepped up yesterday and came through for me.

I told her what was going on and she was very supportive and kind.

Reminded me of other options I have. I have a friend in another state that is just starting to take off, still calls me his business partner.

Also reminds me that despite not being able to see it and struggling so much I am growing in a positive way. This thing with the woman.. as much of a nightmare as it is.. she is teaching me patience and how to deal with things out of my control.. two lessons I have failed at over and over.

I thought I was failing again.. but my mother reminded me in the past I would not have made so much progress. Despite whether it works out or not she is helping me become a better man in a strange way. Mom also suggested that I still need to grow more before I seek a serious relationship, so things as it is really is not as bad as it looks.

My mother also reminded me I wouldn't have been able to handle the pressure of taking care of her either years ago, so it proves that I am growing. As I said she really came through for me.

I had a friend that just happened to call at the right time as well.

Times like this it does help reinforce my personal beliefs.

Just when I need it the most.. I get just the right amount of help to keep me going.

I am making positive baby steps.

[nathan]

Mom also suggested that I still need to grow more before I seek a serious relationship

What does this mean??? Grow in what way??? The only way will be better at in relationships, is by being in them. Don't wait to "grow". Your stunting you're growth doing that. You are ready for it NOW. Believe in yourself, not your mother. Believe in you intensions.

This thing with the woman.. as much of a nightmare as it is.. she is teaching me patience

I know you really care for this girl, But I think she is also stunting your growth by keeping you clinged onto her, while she gives little back. She stunting your growth by simultaniously NOT being your women AND by retarding your ability to be with other women, which of course, is the only thing will make you grow.

Despite whether it works out or not she is helping me become a better man in a strange way.

Some mothers, in my opinioin, are very good at making you a "better" man, Other are very VERY bad at it. I've seen it... But it is not their fault. For some it is hard for them to accept that their son is a grown man, and they perpetuate a sort of relationship that makes YOU dependant on THEM. THis is not helpful, unless you are able to see over it or be aware of when our how she is doing that.

Not suprisingly, you start to behave the way you do to your mother, but with other women too. THis makes you give off an unattractive vibe to woman, unless they are your mother. To me, you seem to be this way with the girl you like so much. This is never going to work.

My mother also reminded me I wouldn't have been able to handle the pressure of taking care of her either years ago, so it proves that I am growing.

Try teaching your mother something. Stop getting reasurrance from her, You are strong and you don't need it. You are independant from her. And you are independant from her praise are criticism. She is weak right now, she doesn't have the energy to praise you often. Find your inner fire and shit, light up your own room, then light up other people's rooms, DONT wait for others to light your room.