Mr. Encyclopedia Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 Perfectionism is an issue I have had for a long time. (Some forums have requested posts to tone down the level of self-harming and abuse talk. I apologize if I have said too much or am too graphic in this post. I added the trigger warning in case that happens.)As a child I was beaten, threatened, and abused for making mistakes. My dad used to beat me with belts, backhand me until I was bleeding in the face, sexually abused and humiliated me, threatened to kill me, and so forth over mistakes and schoolwork (although the sexual abuse might not be connected?). Teachers also degraded and abused me to a point that I was having epileptic episodes, and in my report cards it said that I am “retarded” and am “unlikely to ever succeed in life.” In elementary school I was armed with a pocket knife and was prepared to stab my dad if he hit me again, and I first self-harmed to a point of hospitalization when I was eight or nine years old and first thought of suicide over a less than perfect school grade when I was about 10. Now I am 21 years old. My life has been difficult to say it mildly. I was in a mental hospital in 2008, tried to kill myself in 2008, self-harmed so a point that there is no feeling left in certain areas of my body, and my dad shot himself in 2009 and our house was repossessed. I have been diagnosed with a Pervasive Developmental Disorder subtype known as Asperger’s Syndrome in the autism spectrum; Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; Social and Generalized Anxiety; Major Depression; and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have tried to attend university several times in the past several years. The first university I visited I left feeling horrible about myself because I wasn’t able to understand everything (was visiting). The second university campus I left crying because I couldn’t figure out how to register and disability services wouldn’t help me. The third university that I did register and attend classes at I left twice being hospitalized, the second time requiring an emergency response unit to see if I had killed myself, and I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance to fix the damage I did self-harming. The fourth university I left after planning a suicide and feeling like it wasn’t for me. I want to feel better about life and who I am but I have a hard time with this perfectionism . I feel like I must be perfect and have this all-encompassing fear of not being good enough, and I am told I can be extremely hard on myself with unrealistic expectations. The difficulty I have is thinking positively about who I am despite any flaws or imperfections that I have. Most of the time I think that I am a failure with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and when I self-harm I always do it believing that I deserve to be punished for being who I am or making a mistake. My best friend - an American pen pal of mine of 5 years and whom I drove to the U.S. to meet and am planning to do that again - tells me she thinks I am incredible. Her exact words are: “I think you're honest, loyal, kind, loving, understanding, accepting, trustworthy, and incredibly thoughtful.” However, I have a hard time seeing past imperfections and failures of mine, whether it be that I have crooked teeth and a skin disorder or that I have difficulties with school and several other areas in life. I am having a real hard time with perfectionism and am unsure of what to do. Was hoping I could receive some advice on this website . The websites I have read online don't apply to the extreme form of perfectionism that I have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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