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Getting through the night. [trigger]


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I have written several suicide notes over the day. Trying to hold myself back but it's becoming increasingly difficult. I have to make it through tonight, tomorrow I can go to hospital. The hours are dragging. Every second lasts a lifetime. The voices are loud and insistent. Trying to hold it together for the sake of people I live with. Tomorrow, I can fall apart and there'll be people to stop me from ending my life. Right now, it's still today, 8:30pm and a sleepless night is ahead of me.

Clinging on to a fast fraying thread.

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Can you have someone from your home be there in your room with you, O? I hope you will keep writing and expressing yourself...anything you need to do to hold on. My pm box is always open as well.

I am so sorry for this struggle and pain. :(

We care and we are here. Sending you strength.

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You can make it. It may feel like more than you can stand but you are already standing it, and help is on the way. Can the people you live with help support you? If not then you have to be as loud and insistent in fighting for yourself against the voices. I know this is easier said than done because I have done it in the past and I still have to at times... you can talk back to them and you don't have to do what they say.

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I am currently in the room with my older cousin, but I am so restless, pacing up and down. Oh dearie me. I'm itching. Beth, thank you so much.

The people I live with are not aware of my mental state (I feel like I must be faking, surely someone can't hide this much pain this well?) so there's nobody to really support me. I am having a quiet word, I'd like to shout at the voices but nothing I say works, they never listen to me, when I try to get them to go away they just laugh at me, so I don't bother trying. I hope you are doing okay, Ralph, thank you, too.

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I hope you are still aware of the fact that they are a kind of hallucination. This awareness makes you stronger, you don't loose your sense of reality (as some other people do in similar cases). It's always you who can decide what to do. If in some moments there's nothing better, you can at least "do nothing", suffer but being aware that it's only temporary. It won't kill you. They won't kill you if you don't let them, if you only listen but don't do what they suggest. You don't need the relief you feel you need - you don't need to self-harm; you can do it without this "help".

This may sound strange, but... could you try to decide something like "Now I'll give 10 minutes to the voices; I'll let them say whatever they want and will just listen calmly, as if it was something on the radio, something external which isn't related to me, it's just said in the 2nd person, but their "you" does NOT apply to ME."? And if it works, that you may give them some more time, every-time somehow limited (like 15 minutes, ...). Maybe if you try to stop them, it's worse because they want to fight with this effort, so are more aggressive.

Have you already thought about the reason they might appear? I think that they might be here to show that "something became too bad and need your big effort to fix it". They do it in a harsh way, unfortunately. But it's up to you to derive "the right message". The message is certainly not that "you should die" or that "you don't deserve help and love". Take it as you can take nightmares - they don't use "our language" either. Does it help when you somehow "translate" what they say? Like that... you need to work on finding your "driving force" to life. Or like... when growing up, you really missed the love you needed. The love that teach us that we are lovable. You need to admit the problems, the issues of your past, first. Maybe the fact that you've been ignoring them for so long, repeating that everything was alright and there's no reason for you to be depressed, forced your mind to use stronger means to somehow convince you that there were problems which you need to face. Don't be scared by the issues, by allowing you to "become aware of the problems". It is indeed hard, but it's necessary for healing. And healing IS possible. You still may receive the care and love - it's different than during childhood, from parents, but it really can be healing. One of the hardest parts may sometimes be to become able to accept and feel the love and care of others - to be able to feel good about it, ...

I know these are all my fantasies - about the possible meaning of the presence of the voices. But I think that it could be helpful to comprehend their hidden message. Just never forget that it's very different from the "obvious" message which they seem to say - from the words they are using. Maybe the day you'll understand the real meaning, they'll become useless and disappear, who knows?

So... do you think it could be helpful to calm down a bit by, as I said, allowing them to express what they want, but listening to it either as to something "unrelated," as in the radio (in case it's possible and in case you don't feel like thinking too much about the hidden meanings) or to listen what they say, but trying to "translate" it to something different?

Or would it help just to share with us what they say? Is it only always the same stuff??

Sorry if this is all unhelpful... But I'd like at least to say that I've got the inspiration for this approach to the voices from a film I've seen yesterday for the 2nd time, about a schizophrenic. In his case, he finally became able to live with his hallucinations thanks to ignoring them; to understanding of their illusory nature and to giving up the fight with them. (-It's a very abbreviated version of the main idea, but it doesn't matter here.) I suppose you're not in the stage where you might already ignore them completely, but what you may do is not waist the energy to argue, but to keep thinking the contrary of their "opinion", knowing that the hidden message - which is the one that matters - is different. The hidden message is that you need help and love and you need to allow others to help you and allow yourself to accept the help, to want it, ... and to sustain the suffering and the inconveniences (-by these, I mean, for instance, the need to "explain why you go to a hospital"), which are necessary in the way to healing. (The suffering caused by SI is, on the contrary, NOT necessary.)

Sorry for the length of this text; I hope you have the energy to read it and to understand...

Our love is still here for you... You're not as alone as you might feel.


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