Wife needing advice

[Sheepish]

I really am not sure what to think.  I have lurked this support board and I think I have a better understanding but maybe I am wrong. 

I have been with my husband for 10 years. When we started dating he was very sexually inexperienced. I knew that when we started to date.   I later found out it was because his entire life he was afraid to date and have sex because of his penis (his words).

My husband is 5 in.  He has measured it several times while we have been together. We have always had a great sex life until we had kids but I feel thats normal?

I never had any complaints about our sex life other than our work schedules being opposite shifts got in the way.  

There was a point in our marriage while I was pregnant that we did not get along.  He hated me and even researched getting a divorce. I found out during that time he was very unattracted to me while I was pregnant that he had downloaded hook up apps to his phone and made accounts to look for women.  I found out one of the accounts was grinder.  Which is for gay men. 

When I confronted him about the gay app he swears he isnt gay or bi curious.  But that he didn't think anyone would want him because he believes he has a small dick.  And he doesn't believe he satisifies me with it like I say. He said women wouldn't talk to him on the apps and he wanted to know if his penis is as small as he thinks it is. 

He said he sent a pic of his dick to two men to get an honest opinion because a gay man would be more honest about what they think. He said he was made fun of by both men.  He then decided he wasn't going to cheat and deleted all of the apps abd we then worked on our married for 5 years after that.

But I am just now finding out he sent pictures of his penis out into the world. Should I believe thats why he sent it out to men?

He has always been extremely sensitive about his penis.  He constantly mentions how its small or makes small dick jokes.  He has asked me about my previous relationships and how he compares to them.  He also compares himself to men in porn and refuses to watch any porn with me at all.  He wont even pee in public urinals if other men are there. I really have no problem with his penis at all.  But I just am not sure about his dick pic sending excuse. 

I have never thought he was gay or bicurious before.   I can understand  him sending a dick pic to get opinions because female friends have send me naked pics that I did not ask for to ask me my opinion on their new piercing or to help them pick which lingerie looks better. 

Is this a SPS issue or am I just reaching for excuses? 

[LaLa]

Hello and welcome!

I don't know how many posts in the SPS forum you have read, but I suppose reading them could reassure you that what your husband has / had been doing is totally explainable by SPS.

Quite many people posted their "dick-pics" (even more than one, really) on this forum during the years the forum exists - you just cannot see them because we, moderators, try to delete them ASAP. I have no idea why some people have this compulsion (to take such pics and post them publicly to be "judged / commented" by others), but they really do it. Your husband does't need to be gay to do the things he did. I know it's not "proof", but... why would you rather think he's gay than believe the more probable 'option'?

[Klingsor]

@Sheepish

This article will explain how SPS operates: 

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/penis-size-does-matter-in-the-locker-room-at-least-9202855.html

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A scientist has somewhat controversially determined that penis size really does matter – but not to women and not in the bedroom.

 

After spending a year analysing the results, he found that all of the men were inclined to look at other penises in the changing room in order to compare one teammate’s size with another.

Well-endowed teammates, he noted, were likely to become key team-building members of the group.

“This knowing of who has a large cock and who didn’t within a homosocial environment helped individual sporting males climb up a social hierarchy of importance,” he wrote in Outsports.

“Those with the larger penises were revered and idolised by their teammates as a symbol of masculinity.”

Penis size also provided the basis for jokes and nicknames among teammates, he said, who would continue this banter outside of the locker room and into social situations.

Dr Morriss-Roberts said one athlete explained that if they saw a well-endowed teammate talking to a woman in a club they might inform her that he had a large appendage.

Those with large penises also had to maintain a sexually active lifestyle in order to keep their reputation as masculine.

 

In contrast, men who had smaller penises had to work harder to climb up the team social hierarchy, particularly if they were overweight.

Meanwhile, some straight athletes admitted to encouraging a semi-erection in order to make their penises look bigger. 

Are you going to suggest that all these professional athletes are "gay"? The overwhelming majority of men would rather swallow bleach than ever admit this to anyone, but men crotch check and look at one another's equipment. A man's identity is wholly vested in his penis. It becomes the primary dominance trait in establishing a pecking order. Bigger is better. It is the symbol of male potency and vitality. 

Women struggle to understand this because they fail to understand that this problem centers around other males. I personally know at least 2 members of this forum who have had sexually successful relationships with women - the women were satisfied, content, in love - yet who still are eaten alive by this insecurity. Other posts made by transient members also reflect this reality. How can this be if it is not a problem among MEN? 

It also must be remembered that the majority of porn is generally claimed to be produced for men. If this is indeed true, then why is there so much "big cock"..."massive cock"...."huge cock" type tags, if this isn't something that men find arousing on some level? Are all of these men gay? 

Even everyday language reflects the common perception of a man's penis as his "tool" or his "equipment". It's no different than two boys on the playground seeing who has the bigger toy. It seems nearly impossible to make women understand this. Men are competitive by nature. Only MGTOW cultists and other kumbaya nutjobs deny it. Homosexual relationships are defined on this principle...dick size is the only currency in the gay hookup world because it's basically the symbol of male potency which most gay men feel they lack in some way. 

Just because your husband sent some pics online doesn't mean he's gay and wants to be in a relationship with another man. You have to realize that he feels insecure, ineffectual, and trouble identifying as a man. Because everything in our culture is phallo-centric. Everything. The pressure on men to conform to this ideal is overwhelming. 

Speaking from experience, if this episode is going to remain on your mind, if you're constantly going to be asking yourself if he's gay/not gay, the two of you should consider splitting up. He will never get rid of this insecurity, and I have yet to find a woman who understands this problem deep enough to be able to live with it for extended periods of time. 

[Klingsor]

@Sheepish

Attempting to talk to any man except a gay man about this will lead to a hamster wheel of comedic deflection, denials, and bullshit. Men are intrinsically resistant to discussing or admitting anything that may give the perception of weakness or inferiority. This itself is not unrelated to the phallus issue. This is why I can post the article above in size 500 font and it will be ignored or denied. But everyone knows it. Some argue locker room/sports culture and banter its more of a Western, Anglo-American thing. Perhaps so. But phallic symbolism is universal. 

[Klingsor]

https://www.outsports.com/2013/3/3/4061150/the-gay-side-of-hazing

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(This story was published in 2006).

For the last couple of years we have all watched hazing in sports finally come into focus. The antics that have for so long gone on behind closed doors, and that have been dismissed by most as "boys will be boys," are finally starting to get the serious attention from sports administrators and the public that it deserves and that its victims need.

Both latent homosexuality and homophobia are playing a huge role in the hazing abuse our kids are experiencing, and our societal standards that dictate what a "real man" is are to blame.

Make no mistake about it – hazing is largely about sexuality, from two different angles. First is the notion of making someone submissive to prove your own masculinity. Whether it's sodomizing them or making them wear women's panties, the notion of forcing younger players to submit to team veterans comes right out of the handbook of anti-gay stereotypes.

While some may try to diminish the role of homosexuality in hazing, it can't be ignored. Badjocks.com says that the most common reported hazing incident among high school students is sodomy with fingers or other objects.

When I was a teenager, and I first started feeling a sexual attraction to other boys, I often thought that going to prison would not be such a bad thing. I had heard of the "forced" gay sex that happens in prisons, and I figured it would be the only chance I had to fulfill my growing desire to have sex with men. The forced sexual contact of hazing is certainly another way to fulfill those desires; it's no wonder that so many gay men are attracted to college fraternities, long the bastion of hazing in our culture.

Outsports has a lot of good articles that make straight men furious because it rips open the lid on a bunch of this shit; my only reservation is that it's written from the perspective of gay men, who don't understand the difference between homoeroticism and homosexuality per se:

Quote

Homoeroticism is sexual attraction between members of the same sex, either male–male or female–female.^[2] The concept differs from the concept of homosexuality: it refers specifically to the desire itself, which can be temporary, whereas "homosexuality" implies a more permanent state of identity or sexual orientation. It is a much older concept than the 19th century idea of homosexuality, and is depicted or manifested throughout the history of the visual arts and literature. 

Thomas Mann published an essay, "Über die Ehe" (On Marriage), written in 1925, where he states that homoeroticism is aesthetic, while heterosexuality is prosaic.^[7]

 

[YOTH]

This is pretty common with men who feel small. It could be as serious as it is innocent, but I've used gay or curious men (online) for their opinion before and although I'm not in denial about my bisexuality, it's not why I was looking/asking. It was strictly for reassurance that I wasn't alone or an unlovable freak. It strikes me as curious that he did this during your pregnancy as this will have been a time when his needs weren't top of the priority list (and rightly so). It doesn't mean that he's gay or even bi, but sps runs so deep it's sometimes even hard to explain the actions of our emotions in our own head, let alone explain it to someone we love and respect. 

It took a lot of communicating with my missus before I was even comfortable telling her how much my size affected my day to day life, especially as I'm quite a proud person and don't like to feel weak or vulnerable. It can be an absolute living nightmare to exist in this world as a man who is or is convinced that he is small. Their is no body positivity movement for smaller men so we're left to suffer in the shadows in silence and from experience I can tell you that it can have catastrophic outcomes. 

Communication really is key here, it has take priority above anything else in the relationship (any relationship, but more so here) so opening that dialogue and keeping it open is unbelievably important. Just be careful to choose your moments as if he's feeling relaxed and comfortable and you bring it up it might be met with anger and frustration. Not that that should put you off, just something to consider.

I've never cheated on my partner, not would I, not in a million years. But I know exactly where he was mentally when he downloaded those apps, so I know for a fact it isn't as black and white as some people think it is. 

I really hope you manage to resolve any issues you have with your husband. Sometimes we live in a cloud of guilt that our wives/girlfriends/partners aren't being satisfied (even if they are) and it slowly eats away at our sanity. Good luck with whatever comes from visiting the site, I hope you find what you're looking for. 

[Sheepish]

So I want to respond to the big question everyone keeps asking. 

Why would you automatically assume it means hes gay?

My reason being is I grew up around an LGBT community. My sibling was gay and had lots of drag friends around. Many who where married to women and did drag insecret and had affairs with men regularly.  That has always stuck with me. I have my own issues about being cheated on previously . My first initial instinct was to think he is gay.  Think of it like a reflex reaction. 

I asked for opinions here because well I'm not a man.  I admit I don't understand. I don't understand the fear and worry surrounding SPS.  

I did lurk the board like I said and some of the posts did make me think he was telling the truth and just wanting someone to compliment him like he said bit I reached out to the board for opinions.

I'd like to add I did read the links you all provided.  Thank you! They where hepful. 

I have talked to my husband since posting when I have been more calm and in a more clear mental. I discussed why this is not ok for me.  He agreed if I sent nudes to a woman for confirmation on how I look he would be upset. And I agreed I understand he felt a man would be more honest about his penis.

YOTH thank you for the input about when I was pregnant. My pregnancy was high risk and I was sick non stop.  I would puke often the entire time and I refused to do oral sex because everything and anything made me get sick.  I would get sick just from water.  And I was so large now that I think about it that typical pregnancy sex positions didn't work and I didn't think about it at the time.  But I am wondering if the positions not working out messed with him. You have given me a lot to consider and think about. 

Also for those telling me if you will always think hes gay or if you can't handle the sps divorce him.  Really? I am more than willing to understand and work on my marriage.  Which is why I reached out here for men with sps to give me advice. I don't think its unreasonable to gut reaction think your spouse is gay if you catch them on a gay app having no context on why initially. If he was gay I wanted to know. Hes my bestfriend and if he married me for reasons to be a cover I deserve to know and he deserves to be happy.  

Before we discussed why he did it sps never occurred to me. I had never heard of sps.  I never realized how insecure he is until I thought long enough to create my first post on the things I know he does similar to other sps posts.

Now that I know what suggestions do you all have for helping him feel wanted and secure with me?

[Under5]

I have a smaller penis than your husband.  Yet, I still am really confident in myself as a person and partner.  I’ve done it a few ways.  One, I’ve worked hard on accepting some “truths” about my penis.  Yes, I am smaller than average.  Also, I am confident that some women, including my wife, can sometimes get more stimulation from a big vibrator/penis.  Yet, there is so much more to sex than just one particular type of stimulation.  I was with one woman whose ex had a 10 inch penis yet she never orgasmed with him but orgasmed almost always with me.  We cared about each otherand enjoyed being in bed with one another.  I also modeled for art classes, went to nude beaches, just did stuff where I began to just accept my size.

I also have a wide range of interests, friends, and activities.  I really enjoy my life including my work.  I am a good man and I work at it.   I know that my small penis does not and cannot define me, even in bed.

I would strongly suggest some form of couples counseling where you can talk honestly and openly and he can really let his insecurities out on the open.  That helps.

[LaLa]

Thank you, @Sheepish, for all your explanations! It's more clear to me now.

And I'm sorry if I made you feel somehow judged when I was surprised by your reaction (/ assumption that he might lie and be gay)  .

It's so nice to see that you're so committed to improve your marriage! (I don't have any advise as I don't have personal experiences with these issues. I hope some men here will have useful insights.)

Good luck!!

[Sheepish]

 

@Under5 I have asked for couples therapy. I asked years ago when I was pregnant and several days ago. He refuses. i know its most likely because he is afraid to go and say what his issues are and listen to me say what mine are to someone.
As for doing something like nude beaches. I am pretty sure there is nothing like that in our area, we still have small children, and its not something I think either of us would be comfortable joining in on. 

But after reading the posts here I feel like I have a some what better understanding. I have looked back on the past events and realized times I probably made him feel insecure with himself and hurt him without meaning to or trying. We have talked about it and his feelings and I have apologized and so has he for the dating apps and nudes.
I never realized his penis was an issue for him after we were together. I have asked him how it effects his daily living that I don't even know about. He mentioned fears he has every time he has to go and use a public restroom and I had no clue he did any of those things. And everything he has said about his feelings or things he has done are all things I have read on this board.

@LaLa its alright. You are a mod here and I'm sure you regularly see all the posts made on the sps board. I don't. So the very idea of sps is a totally new world for me. When I wrote my message I was trying to google if what he did was normal and looking up info on husbands with a small penis. The fact that so many men do the exact same things he does and for the same reasons was reassuring to me but heart breaking he feels the way he does about himself.
I love my husband but finding out about the pictures he sent felt like a total betrayal. Even though hes not gay and I understand his intention behind the photos it feels like cheating to me. I can move past that but I have to understand the why and where he is coming from. I don't want my marriage to end because there was a point we weren't communicating and he felt unwanted. I didn't realize he felt his penis was a problem but now that I do I want to make an effort to make him feel wanted and make up for any ways I made him feel that where negative about himself. It has also cleared the way for us to talk about some other issues in our marriage. 


 

[Klingsor]

On 10/24/2019 at 12:25 PM, Sheepish said:

I want to make an effort to make him feel wanted and make up for any ways I made him feel that where negative about himself

Anything you say will just be another reinforcement that he's small. The problem is within himself, his own body. There is nothing you can say that will change the way he feels. If you dig deep into these threads you will realize that many of us have issues using public toilets, touching ourselves, or even looking at ourselves in the mirror. Some, including myself, even suffer from a phantom limb type sensation that makes us sensibly feel small when we're just walking around, like more should "be there" but isn't. I can barely stand to touch my dick. Many of us also have pathological anxiety regarding our "bulge" in public. 

I can tell you that when I was in a relationship with girls, it made me feel worse. Opening up about this issue with them just made me even more miserable because it felt like she was being forced to convince herself that I was worth the effort. So even when she was trying to be nice and helpful it just made me feel worse. 

Example: when we would have sex (if you can call it that), I could not bear to look at my dick near her body because it looked so pathetically small. If I did, I immediately went soft and couldn't perform. The thought that goes through his head is this, "God, I look so pathetic. There's no way she's enjoying this. There are probably 20 guys within a one block radius that would make 2 or 3 of my dick." And so at that point it's self-defeating. And of course the girl immediately gets pissed and furious because she thinks it's all about her...she's ugly, guy isn't turned on, etc. But then if he is honest and opens up about it, she researches sex with guys with small dicks and then tries to contort herself into all these crazy, ridiculous positions to accommodate him, at which point the same thought goes through the guy's mind: "If I were normal/bigger, she wouldn't have to do this. She could lay there normally and I could please her like normal men." So anything you do to try to help will only highlight the fact that he's small. 

It's kind of like when someone who's handicapped gets annoyed when people with good intentions go out of their way to be helpful or considerate in a way they would not normally do for anyone else and end up being patronizing; all it does is make the handicapped person feel inferior, disabled, and small. Anyone who is disadvantaged in some way will understand this.

There is literally nothing you can do to help him; it is entirely dependent on his own coping strategy and mental health. If he is as obsessive, insecure about it as I am and many others who have visited this forum, there is nothing you can do. It won't matter if he gives you a dozen genuine orgasms in one session, he will still obsess over whether a bigger one could do the job better, quicker, easier. Nor does this do anything for the insecurity that is inherent to simply possessing a small dick, which refers back to what my previous posts were trying to convey and is entirely separate from your relationship with him. These feelings would subsist even if you were were never a part of his life. This is why I suggested separation; if you think your situation is different then by all means do what you think is right. 

As a side note, I've always thought the movie "Raging Bull" was really a veiled allegory for the life of a small dicked man. LaMotta is a champion boxer, something that would be respected by other men, yet he is driven insane by jealousy and insecurity regarding his wife. It's a very "real" representation of how the insecurity is all-consuming and the inability of many men to admit they are insecure or lacking confidence in their sexual abilities. There is even one point where his wife screams at him that his brother "has a bigger cock than you" after they've had a fight. 

[Klingsor]

Eugenics is the only viable, real solution. I'm sorry to say it, but it would spare an incalculable amount of human suffering if some people were just killed at birth or better yet never born. Genetic screening holds much promise in this regard. Life in this world is only fulfilling for the beautiful, the strong, the healthy. This is especially true of men. Everyone else just ends up as a slave whose life consists of an endless cycle supporting the hedonistic abandon of the well-bred and genetically privileged, punctuated by occasional intervals of digital escapism. When the slave is old and useless and incapable of supporting the privileged, he's thrown into a nursing home or ends up on the streets to rot and die. 

[Klingsor]

8 minutes ago, Klingsor said:

And of course the girl immediately gets pissed and furious because she thinks it's all about her...she's ugly, guy isn't turned on, etc.

This brings up another point - men are stereotyped as being like breeder stallions, constantly horny and able to have an erection instantly on demand. Older men also support this theory and refuse to admit that psychology plays any role in sexual stimulation. It falls in line with society's general tendency of blaming the man for everything, everything is his fault. It's his fault for having a small penis, his fault for not "manning up" and dealing with it, his fault for allowing it to make his dick go soft. Women seem to struggle intensely with understanding that a man is literally his dick. If it isn't big, he better at the VERY LEAST be able to get it hard. A man with impotence is absolutely worthless in society's eyes as anything but a taxpayer. 

[LaLa]

I'm so sorry there are people who see it this way (I mainly mean the importance of size, even in society (!?) and 'potency')...  I'm not arguing here, I just want to show, at least to @Sheepish, that there are people (not just me!) who've never had any of such thoughts / opinions. The same (as about me) is true about my husband. He's never looked at men in this way - never judged them in such harsh, absurd ways.

(BTW, I'm so curious how people with disabilities and chronic illnesses would see these issues. They would probably be angry that someone (even many people!) is making such a big fuzz about a normal part of a healthy body part, discriminating in such a terrible way instead of seeing healthiness as the only important criterium...)

[Under5]

I just gave some of the things I have done.  Sex is much more than just about the penis.  And , even when it’s dick-centric, small penises can be fun.  I personally think it feels awesome that my wife can go all the way down on me and still use her tongue.  That’s so fun for me.  And, I’m almost the perfect size for anal play when we are in the mood.

I am a full sexual human being.  So is your husband.  He just needs to realize it and actually enjoy and engage in sexual intimacy with you.  
 

 

[Klingsor]

@Sheepish

Additional documentation from a Smart Person^TM supporting my statements regarding small penis insecurity being primarily a male problem in relation to other males: 

http://www.michelepolak.com/221fall10/Weekly_Schedule_files/Cameron.pdf

Quote

METHODOLOGY

The data to be analyzed were collected through participant observation. Two students, one male and one female, participated in a replication of the original spontaneous exercise with their immediate peer groups (in the men's case, the same people who had earlier participated for fun; in the women's case, because more time had elapsed since the initial activity, a minimally overlapping set). The two groups involved differed in terms of gender but were otherwise relatively homogeneous; they were unmarried college students aged 18-21, who are middle class, almost all white (in the case of the males, all white), and predominantly heterosexual. These already-existing friendship groups, it is important to point out, were single-sex: the investigators believed that the activity they wished to observe, listing synonyms for penis, would not naturally take place except in single-sex groups of intimate friends. Thus, to work with randomly selected or grouped informants, or to carry out interviews one-onone, would have been unnatural and probably self-defeating. (It should, however, be noted that in this instance the activity was not totally natural and spontaneous: the informants were told that the investigator was recording for research purposes.)

Strict controls were not placed upon the data-collecting process. The investigators introduced and structured the exercise in whatever way they found most appropriate, both for putting the informants at ease and for maximizing the number of items produced. In practice, for reasons both good and interesting, this meant that the female and male investigator structured things differently.

The female investigator encouraged general discussion of sexual practices and attitudes as well as the production of lexical items; this seems to reflect general norms of all-female talk (Coates 1986), such as establishing trust and intimacy, approaching topics from a personal/relational perspective, and so on. The male investigator by contrast (and similarly, reflecting putative norms of all-male talk, such as a more distanced and impersonal approach to topics) encouraged competition within the group to produce more and better terms. It also seems that the men were more interested in the naming game qua game.

This gender difference in subcultural style must also have affected the data, explaining at least in part, for example, why the males produced almost three times as many items overall as the females did. Another obvious consequence was to favor the competitive production by males of many unusual, idiosyncratic, and perhaps even newly coined words. (Whether the terms are attested in the standard dictionaries of slang does not show conclusively what their provenance is, given the domain and the campus subculture in question; nor is attestation a concern of the present analysis.)

In summary, then, this was not a representative sampling of American English speakers, nor in all probability a representative sampling of vocabulary items in common usage among the narrow social group from which the sample was drawn. Let me observe, then, that the study was not designed as an exhaustive survey of terms for the penis in current American English, but rather aimed to address the following questions:

1. Are the penis terms produced by these college students indicative, as one might expect from a feminist perspective, of underlying conceptual and cultural assumptions concerning gender and sexuality?

2. Do the terms and their underlying assumptions differ according to the gender of the producers?

 

THE MALE GROUP

DISCUSSION [RESULTS]. The metaphors the male group apparently use to organize their lexicon of terms referring to the penis recapitulate well-worn themes and conventions having to do with cultural prescriptions for masculinity (both sexuality and, even more saliently, gender-identity). The penis inspires awe (your Majesty) but also fondness (John Thomas). It is for fun (hairy hound of hedonism) but also a ravening beast (Cujo). It dominates and destroys (rod of lordship, Genghis Khan, stealth bomber, jackhammer) but is sometimes ridiculous (squirt-gun) and provokes anxiety about size and performance (noodle, wienie, beast of burden).

When young men sit down together and compete to produce these lexical items, what exactly are they doing?

First, it is clear that the young men are playing creatively with language. Their game, which manifests an aesthetic as well as a social/sexual impulse, gives a social function to linguistic creativity. A different group of men (or the same men under other circumstances) might bring these impulses together in a similar way using a different expressive form-writing poetry or rock lyrics, for instance. This game gives a social sanction to linguistic creativity among young men who define the alternatives as threatening to their masculinity.

Second, though I do not want to argue for the subversiveness of the game the men are playing, I do think they are not simply reproducing myths and stereotypes. They are also recognizing them as myths and stereotypes; and to a significant extent, they are laughing at them. The humor in their terminology is self-evident, and as the game goes on, the metaphors grow more absurdly exaggerated, threatening to deflate the self-importance of the male member by turning it into a complete joke.

Finally, however, this is no more than a threat. Like all jokes, this one masks serious anxieties-in this case about masculinity and sexuality. Even if the men are problematizing the symbolic value of the penis and poking fun at it, they must in the end reaffirm the values they have dared to joke about. When a man suggests so baroque a term as, say, purple helmeted love warrior for his penis, he partly distances himself from the metaphors of penis-as-hero and sex-as-war; but partly, too, he recirculates those metaphors.

 

THE FEMALE GROUP

This group consisted of eight students who lived in the same dorm and were friends of the investigator. All but one were white, all were middle class, and the investigator reported that all were heterosexual, though it is not clear that every woman in the group volunteered information on her sexual orientation. All of the men, by contrast, had insisted explicitly and repeatedly on their heterosexuality).

DISCUSSION [RESULTS]. The interesting thing about the female list is the women informants' near total rejection of the male conceptual schema. The names have no mythic or heroic status; the comparisons with objects (pole, pencil) lack the implication of active aggression found in screwdriver and jackhammer; even the weaponry terms are innocent of the "search and destroy" motif in stealth bomber or heat-seeking moisture missile. There are no ravening beasts and no references to masturbation, anal intercourse, or fellatio.

When the investigator asked them to say which terms were insulting, the women picked mainly words from this category (they also picked wiener and tool). This might seem curious when they could have picked vaginal blood fart, for instance, but it seems women conceptualized "insulting" differently from men. For men, an insult was to the penis itself-insult terms connoted softness, smallness, poor performance. For the women, an insult was a term for the penis used to refer to the whole man. Thus they thought it insulting to call a man a dork but merely odd to call him a pencil.

Women do not, then, perceive the penis as a separate and insultable entity to the same degree as men do. However, they both recognize and use the value men place upon their genitals. As one informant said, "I'm not really referring to his dick but to him.... It's just an easy way to make a guy feel bad ... because that's what defines his existence, or else at least guys feel that way."

 

[ADDITIONAL REMARKS]

Furthermore, it is evident that ways of conceptualizing the penis are not universal, as one might expect them to be if they were grounded in the physiology of the organ. The question of size, for example-in our culture and in this study bigger means better-is dealt with differently by other societies. Thus among the !Kung of Botswana, the expression that is glossed in English as 'big genitals' is unequivocally an insult, which can be used by and against either sex. If there were a !Kung equivalent of wienie it would be a compliment, since small-to-moderate penis size is valued (Shostak 1983). Our metaphors are more cultural than natural; they also reflect the realities of power.

 

[Sheepish]

5 hours ago, Klingsor said:

Anything you say will just be another reinforcement that he's small. The problem is within himself, his own body. There is nothing you can say that will change the way he feels. If you dig deep into these threads you will realize that many of us have issues using public toilets, touching ourselves, or even looking at ourselves in the mirror. Some, including myself, even suffer from a phantom limb type sensation that makes us sensibly feel small when we're just walking around, like more should "be there" but isn't. I can barely stand to touch my dick. Many of us also have pathological anxiety regarding our "bulge" in public. 

I didn't intend to start saying anything over night that would be out of character in reguards to his penis. I think the main time he has felt insecure with me was when we first dated and while I was pregnant. The rest of the time he has no issues being naked in front of my just casually or doing a helicopter with his penis at me. I feel he felt more insecure while I was pregnant because I wasn't into different sexual activites with him during my pregnancy for reasons already stated.

5 hours ago, Klingsor said:

.There is literally nothing you can do to help him; it is entirely dependent on his own coping strategy and mental health. If he is as obsessive, insecure about it as I am and many others who have visited this forum, there is nothing you can do. It won't matter if he gives you a dozen genuine orgasms in one session, he will still obsess over whether a bigger one could do the job better, quicker, easier. Nor does this do anything for the insecurity that is inherent to simply possessing a small dick, which refers back to what my previous posts were trying to convey and is entirely separate from your relationship with him. These feelings would subsist even if you were were never a part of his life. This is why I suggested separation; if you think your situation is different then by all means do what you think is right. 

First you told me to separate because I feared he could potentially be gay and that if I will forever think he is I should leave him. Then you suggest I separate from him because he will never get over SPS. Both are totally unreasonable. I am going to assume you aren't married.
Marriage is more than just sex. Marriage is hardwork. Its give and take and loving your partner through the bad times and being able to work past issues and problems and knowing how to forgive and love them at their worst.Its helping them when they aren't even able to help themselves. It is not reasonable to leave him because of his SPS. I am pretty sure that is exactly what many men on here experience in non marital relationships that lead them to believe all women are bitches only wanting large penis. Your advice to separate is the exact sort of behavior that men on here fear and hate women for. So I really don't understand why you keep pushing that as an option?

5 hours ago, Klingsor said:

Eugenics is the only viable, real solution. I'm sorry to say it, but it would spare an incalculable amount of human suffering if some people were just killed at birth or better yet never born. Genetic screening holds much promise in this regard. Life in this world is only fulfilling for the beautiful, the strong, the healthy. This is especially true of men. Everyone else just ends up as a slave whose life consists of an endless cycle supporting the hedonistic abandon of the well-bred and genetically privileged, punctuated by occasional intervals of digital escapism. When the slave is old and useless and incapable of supporting the privileged, he's thrown into a nursing home or ends up on the streets to rot and die. 

I am really honestly sorry you feel this way. I can't imagine the pain you face everyday. But there is no way in hell that I would ever agree Eugenics should be a thing we do and that men like my husband should be weeded out of the gene pool because of his penis. My husband is a damn good man. Hes intelligent and hilarious and I love everything about him. I would do anything for him to make him happy.Including leaving him if he had ended up being gay if it could mean he would be truly happy. I really don't understand why you have turned my concern for my husband into something else. I really don't know how you find it possible to equate a small penis with being a slave and rotting and dying in a nursing home but kudos to you because you have managed to do just that.
I feel like you are projecting your own feelings about yourself and your life and I feel awful that you feel this way. And I am sorry that society has conditioned you to this point and feeling this way in general about any man with a less than average penis.
Words aren't going to do anything to make you think differently about yourself and the world but not all women think and feel the way you think they do. And I don't know any men that I have dated that have put other men down for their penis size or looked down on them in the way that you do. 

5 hours ago, Klingsor said:

This brings up another point - men are stereotyped as being like breeder stallions, constantly horny and able to have an erection instantly on demand. Older men also support this theory and refuse to admit that psychology plays any role in sexual stimulation. It falls in line with society's general tendency of blaming the man for everything, everything is his fault. It's his fault for having a small penis, his fault for not "manning up" and dealing with it, his fault for allowing it to make his dick go soft. Women seem to struggle intensely with understanding that a man is literally his dick. If it isn't big, he better at the VERY LEAST be able to get it hard. A man with impotence is absolutely worthless in society's eyes as anything but a taxpayer. 

Where are you getting this from? I have never known any of this to be true. People really don't go around talking about mens dicks, if they are stallions, or if they are impotent. I have never known anyone even anyone second hand to be this way. I don't even have words to respond to this. How is an impotent man worthless? Men are worth more than just their penis just like women are worth more than just their vaginas.

3 hours ago, LaLa said:

I'm so sorry there are people who see it this way (I mainly mean the importance of size, even in society (!?) and 'potency')...  I'm not arguing here, I just want to show, at least to @Sheepish, that there are people (not just me!) who've never had any of such thoughts / opinions. The same (as about me) is true about my husband. He's never looked at men in this way - never judged them in such harsh, absurd ways.

(BTW, I'm so curious how people with disabilities and chronic illnesses would see these issues. They would probably be angry that someone (even many people!) is making such a big fuzz about a normal part of a healthy body part, discriminating in such a terrible way instead of seeing healthiness as the only important criterium...)

I want to say I have never thought about what other men may potentially have penis wise. I never thought about how big guys where and I have never speculated and made fun of men for potentially have or lacking a certain size or ability. Neither has my husband or past partners of mine.

I have came across many men though that like to talk crap about women having a busted vagina or feeling like being with some chick was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. But I really haven't came across women making fun of men. I feel like it is super easy to find that online because its easy to find everything online.
If you are looking for videos on women saying they don't like small dick you are going to find tons of videos on that. But if you look for porn of women enjoying small penis you are going to find that too.

As far as people with other disabilities or chronic illness I feel SPS would have a lot of stigma and misunderstanding like any mental illness would even in a community of chronic illness and disability. People don't understand what they aren't going through themselves. But thats true about any illness. Someone with normal insulin levels isn't going to understand a diabetics struggles. A woman isn't going to understand  SPS but a man probably won't understand PTSD from miscarriage or tramatic child birth.

 

1 hour ago, Under5 said:

I just gave some of the things I have done.  Sex is much more than just about the penis.  And , even when it’s dick-centric, small penises can be fun.  I personally think it feels awesome that my wife can go all the way down on me and still use her tongue.  That’s so fun for me.  And, I’m almost the perfect size for anal play when we are in the mood.

I am a full sexual human being.  So is your husband.  He just needs to realize it and actually enjoy and engage in sexual intimacy with you.  
 

 

Oh I know and I appreciate your suggestions. We had a much better sex life before kids. Kids are great at cock blocking.

 

[Klingsor]

Good luck with everything, I hope you guys get it sorted out. 

[Franco Bola]

On 10/25/2019 at 11:53 PM, Sheepish said:

I didn't intend to start saying anything over night that would be out of character in regards to his penis. 

Oh I know and I appreciate your suggestions. We had a much better sex life before kids. Kids are great at cock blocking.

 

My question is for Sheepish, I'm trying to find a understanding woman like you, not flirting but asking more traits that i can look for. Part I know its me, because of my choices, but actually looking is what i dont do, i go for what goes for me and usually its not good. Then good girls i leave alone but if i went for them then , my fear and intention would be more real to me, as to say I dont let a good girl because i fear whatever about her, (my excuse).

For the fellas,

I knew I was small, for a while but didn't really realize, until I already knew there are females that will deal with us not freakin jerks because they are practical enough and whatever reason enough. we just cant be super jerks and mr . good guy , floor mats. Dude with the self conscious about bulge. men come in different shapes, some dudes are long and skinny some short and thick and some like me both negative, but I try every once in a while . sex is good for us as humans, but also semen retention is good for us, thy like to lay out studies for everything that’s good for us something will cause cancer, google both.  But I have found ways to cope without a woman and luck falls on me. I met a foreign lady and we have an agreement,  we all buy it anyways from women in one shape or form. I have never thought about trying men except when my sister said some stupid stuff before. only time i rethought myself, i was younger , not about trying me , but knowing I had some feminine traits I didn’t appreciate,  but being raised by a woman isnt good if you don’t have responsible male examples that you trust or give a. and intervene.

My mom allowed me to be naive, which helped , as far as not, realizing i was small. which allowed me to realize women once horny and under alcohol will do anything, even a horny enough women also if the woman hasnt had her two babies naturally and maybe one by c section , she gets to keep the shape of her vagina which will allow her to get tight enough for you. another thing that helps me is oral for them until they come once or twice get as much blood to her lower parts. she will be more subject into almost anything, get toys as well. nothing bigger then you.  Trying to find a very compassionate female without friends is hard, it’s the girlfriends that mess things up. But don’t mention that unless your breaking up.

[Wayless]

On 10/26/2019 at 2:31 AM, LaLa said:

(BTW, I'm so curious how people with disabilities and chronic illnesses would see these issues. They would probably be angry that someone (even many people!) is making such a big fuzz about a normal part of a healthy body, discriminating in such a terrible way instead of seeing healthiness as the only important criterium...)

Yes, I found this to be true when I argued these issues at LPSG, the large penis support group.

Any woman or man who had any sort of a discrimination issue, be it racial, ethnicity, looks, injuries, sexual preference, transgenderism, diseases, etc were totally outraged.  But they would give NO QUARTER to my ideas and insisted sps was, at best, a mental illness and, at worst, a moral fault deserving severe reprimand and/or isolation from humanity,   Even for men with really small genitals, they refused to admit the concept of handicap.

Any suggestion that a real small penis was a real physical handicap or that penis inferiority complexes for the above average were imposed by society's disparagement of the small through vicious humor and discrimination was greeted with HATRED!  They claimed I was the one insulting men with a small penis by claiming oppression where there were none!

They said I was the one libeling the small and promoting hate of the small.

[LaLa]

Yes, people are idiots...  (Sorry, I'm just in a mood to say generalizing banal sad truths.)

[Wayless]

On 12/8/2019 at 6:32 PM, uptight outasight said:

Yes, I found this to be true when I argued these issues at LPSG, the large penis support group.

Any woman or man who had any sort of a discrimination issue, be it racial, ethnicity, looks, injuries, sexual preference, transgenderism, diseases, etc were totally outraged.  But they would give NO QUARTER to my ideas and insisted sps was, at best, a mental illness and, at worst, a moral fault deserving severe reprimand and/or isolation from humanity,   Even for men with really small genitals, they refused to admit the concept of handicap.

Any suggestion that a real small penis was a real physical handicap or that penis inferiority complexes for the above average were imposed by society's disparagement of the small through vicious humor and discrimination was greeted with HATRED!  They claimed I was the one insulting men with a small penis by claiming oppression where there were none!

They said I was the one libeling the small and promoting hate of the small.

I should clarify that the overwhelming opinion at lpsg (large penis support group) is that men with a small penis are pathetic, to be pitied, ignored, helped, despised,, whatever. . .Basically, the "natural" state of mind of our phallocratic patriarchy.

However, I was talking about the progressive intellectual ones that engage in all kinds of discussion, including the female politically correct group, which is small but vocal (not just gazing at big dic pics),.  These are the ones, male and female, outraged by the idea that anyone has a real small dick handicap or sps due to the vicious pressure of our phallocratic society.  They want to blame the small for being crybabies, or weak or mentally ill, or misogynistic.  Part of the reason these women are so dismissive of small hung guys is that they are constantly approached for sph by lpsg members which they resent.  They also deny that most women are much interested in penis size, claiming they and most women evaluate the man, not his penis and can adjust to any man they love regardless of penis.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

57 minutes ago, uptight outasight said:

I should clarify that the overwhelming opinion at lpsg (large penis support group) is that men with a small penis are pathetic, to be pitied, ignored, helped, despised,, whatever. . .

LPSG?  Please send me a link to this.  Wouldn't that be akin to the ITHSG (I'm Too Hot Support Group) or the MSG (Mensa Support Group) it the ITRSG (I'm Too Rich Support Group)?  Again, I'd love to check it out.

[Wayless]

www.lpsg.com

If you get involved in discussion don't mention me by name or thinking content, please.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

3 minutes ago, uptight outasight said:

3 minutes ago, uptight outasight said:

If you get involved in discussion don't mention me.

Scout's honor.