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My so called life

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Sorry Jazz, I'm sure u would have made lovely company but i was consumed by grief.

 

I've seen my friends a few times since i last mentioned & I'm in a WhatsApp chat group with them. I've only played football with them twice & have declined anymore invitations regarding that. It's sad to see that they have moved on so much, and that I'm probably the outsider. One small positive is that I'm not "hiding" (as they put it) from them anymore. They know how to reach me & I'm always up for non-sport related things with them. 

 

I'm still trying to address a lot of ongoing issues, failing mostly. For what it's worth I'm still trying and giving it my best efforts but alas. I feel stuck since so much is outside of my control. I've self harmed a few times too since my last post regarding it, but it's largely under control. I've quit the more harmful things and stick to what i can handle. I don't know if i can ever stop it fully. 

 

Other than that i have small ups but massive downs. And i am talking suicidal. I recently opened up to my mum but now I'm consumed by guilt because I know she'll worry about me. I should have kept it to myself. It's been just over 9 months since Resolutes passing & i have been checking his profile ever since. Maybe it's out of habit, maybe out of hope that he's somehow back.

 

 

 

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Sounds a very painful situation, small. Try not to isolate yourself from people who care, this is when you need support even if you are bothered about worrying them. 

Sorry you are grieving :sad_huggy:  I hope you can find some love for yourself in amongst all the unhappiness, I think that is one difference between doing something drastic and not. The mind can trick us into thinking everything is our fault when it is not, it's the misery prism.

 

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I check res's page too sometimes...still hard to believe. Loss can be so immense, it's difficult to fathom and accept. 

My daughter is also struggling with depression. I can see now how deeply entrenched and complex it can be. I'm sorry for your pain, Small. :(

Have you still been skating? How is your niece these days?

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@IrmaJean

I've been skating yeah. I'm still not confident enough to skate outdoors so the lap around the park hasn't happened. The cracks and overall uneven "terrain" really jerks me around. Do u have tips regarding that? (I can skate just fine indoors so idk how to address that.)

 

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Balancing can be tough, especially when there are things to throw you off balance.. and if there is nothing to grab onto. I think I would have trouble too so I don't know if I have any useful tips for you. Hopefully more practice helps. I'm glad you're still skating, though. I hope it gives you some enjoyment.

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@jazz

I'm okay with being upset. Since boyhood I was worrying about something or another. The tides of sadness go from one place to another in me - never truly relenting. My problem is my situation & that I am stuck. It's one thing moving through life in despair but it's another not moving at all. 

 

I try to shape and control whatever's in my grasp, but i've noticed there are firm obstructions outside of my reach that stop me living even a substandard existence. I'm like a mouse trapped inside a maze of which there's neither a centre nor an exit. So I wonder full of purpose but from the very beginning it was always futile. I can't fault myself so much as these universal barriers - call them chance, fate ot karma. I don't know.

 

But i am the true loser because I still try & struggle. Am i churning the cream into butter or am I tightening the noose around my neck? I'm not perfect because i have bad habits. At least if i didn't try i wouldn't experience so much turbulence, or the humiliation of seeing how little I yield from what I sow. I feel useless. 

 

It rained on Sunday - there was a thunderstorm. It hadn't rained that hard in years. I watched it from my doorstep at first, the thunder rolled continuously with no break. I've never heard that before. The lighting flashed 3, 4 even 5 times per set. I got my umbrella and walked to the park. 

 

Some people feel happy on a sunny beach, others in the bustling city. But stood under the heavy clouds & continous storm i felt at one with myself. It's so peaceful. The walkways turned into makeshift streams, the grass into marshland. But i swear until this day, the wonder of rain gushing from the heavens always takes my breath away. It is so, so, beautiful.  

I'm rambling.

I am just stuck. Some of us have to be. 

 

 

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Small, I understand what you are saying. If it's a ramble, it's a very eloquent one.

There were plenty of storms here as well. If they reflect how you feel inside, wishing you a calm after the storm.

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I think it's cool that you feel serene during thunderstorms, Small. I think of it as being like a release of sorts or a space to regroup and take a breath. We had those kinds of storms every afternoon during the summertime when we lived in FL. Nature, however we may connect with it, can be calming.   Definitely wondrous.  I hope you continue to find moments of inner peace.

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I just rewatched American Fable. Second time I've seen it & it really is a calming drama. It's about a small farming family that have a city businessman imprisoned in their Silo. Gitty, their young daughter stumbles upon him & they become friends. It themes the fable The Lion & The Mouse, where a lion trapped in a net convinces a mouse to help free him. And when he does, the lion eats the mouse.  

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Yes that's one of my favorites, I've referenced it before on the forum. It's about self-actualization and identity. Great movie..."they called me Mr. Glass". I watched the Aronofsky movie The black swan this weekend. It was good, but I found the sexuality triggering at times. 

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@Klingsor

I know what you mean about black swan. It's unfortunate that the sorts of films i like are usually sexually charged too. Unbreakable really is a testament to how confining nature is - even self actualization being forced into different directions. I rewatched the matrix last night. Had i seen it in my younger days, i bet I'd have been plagued with the nightmares of Agent Smith even til this day. 

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On ‎7‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 3:07 PM, Klingsor said:

Thanks, jazz. I'll see if the library has that series and check it out, looks really interesting.

If you can find it and like it you will have plenty to read for a bit 🙂  They are quite funny in parts too, with a strong friendship at the heart of the story.

I can't watch The Matrix or anything like it anymore, not grounded enough for me these days.

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