Wow..are we all on the same wave length or what. But I have to see that today I see a little light at the end of the tunnel that the roller coaster is taking me through..hope I make it. The problem is that Im a bit manic and haven't had real sleep in 2 days now..not good for the manic side. Oh, I know I will get through it.

Won't hear about the job till the guy offering it comes back from being out on the fishing boat. I know it's grueling work if I even have a chance at it...but $50 an hour..gotta try.

You're brave, Shannon.

Mike I am sorry you feel bad.

Elijah, you sound a little lonely, like me. Glad you are out of the hospital. How are you feeling about the decision, have the percentages for or against shifted any? I remember this was the issue that was on your mind when you first joined us.

Shannon, I don't like hearing this lack of sleep cycle your on although I understand it. We just know it isn't healthy.

OK, Jedidiah and Mike.

As of right now it looks like Space camp, Wilderness and Extreme Sports camps are where the kids are headed so, take your pick and hop in the appropriate duffles. They are all in the beginning of the primitive packing stages since the Mrs. likes to get a head start on it all by filling them up as the sales hit. Disney world is not going to happen this year.

Seriously though guys I've told you both call, or send me an email if you want to talk about anything more. Short of me being in the middle of a run I'll make the time.

Mike, I've also told you I think you should talk about whatever the fuck you want here as well. Screw anyone that has an issue with it or would be pathetic enough to want to try and use it sickly against you in some tormenting way. Dude have you not read any of the postings around this place? people around here are the last to be saying a damn thing about anyone else let alone you, someone that actually has a life despite all you've been through. I don't know how truly "private" this area is in here anymore than any other area on the web however, trust me when I say the moderators would be working overtime removing my postings if I even got a whiff of any asshole trying to cause you further upset.

Well said Hotspot, as you know I seem to keep my life an open book..well somethings I haven't discussed in many years that seem to be coming to the survice. They are very hard to talk about, but I am beginning to feel safe enough here to maybe give it a try, just to unload it of my shoulders and stop my stomach from tying in knots.

Well i seem to have crashed landed just a bit ago, still not feeling like sleeping though. So many things have been racing through my mind.

When I was with my ex boyfriend in the mid 80's, he sexual assaulted, he suffered from schizophrenia to top it off, anyway a got pregant with his child..rather than terminate the pregancy, I opted for privite adoption..this was so hard, I was by myself in a shelter to protect family and was very alone through the whole ordeal...but the feeling of providing a family with a child made worth while I guess. If I had chosen to keep the child it would mean being on the run for however long. So it was I decided was the best interest to that child to provide a stable home. A day doesn't go by without me thinking of this child who is now 21 years old..sometimes i worry about that knock on the door and what to say, may never happen.

sorry rambling, but these thoughts have comsumed me for the day...I just hope I can eventually find some peace....there thats off my chest for know...not many people know this about me...so there go an example for Mike.

Best to all, theres always tomorrow.

I am sure that must have been very tough for you (((Shannon))). I am so, sorry you had to go through all of that and continue to. I appreciate your sharing such a personal matter. The resiliency of people constantly amazes me. I hope it also helps Mike.

Shannon Im so sorry you had horrible thing like that happen and then have to make huge decision for life and deal with it all for life very sorry some people are just evil sick asswipes I know that dont change nothin but its good to know you didnt turn into a evil person like some do and you never play the victim card like too many do you are sweet strong lady that keeps on chuggin along despite everything that trys to keep you down I knew I liked you but now I like you even more and I dont like a lot of people truthfully if I could get away with livin on deserted island with Domino I probably would I dont have much "faith" or trust in most people in this world

Anyway I agree Hotspot I dont and shouldnt give a shit what anyone thinks cuz most here except for in my little world in here dont even matter to me at all I dont even like them I dont feel like I got anything in common with them and lotta times feel like lots think they are better than me or are so special all I see lots of them as are whiners and back patters

So here it is that Im havin big problems with right now a worthless waste of life mother fucker sperm donor also known as my father whose in prison and has been for juts abuot 15 years he got sentenced to 2 consecestive terms of 25 years to life for severely burning me over 40% and shooting me twice whne I was a kid among ohter things anyway now the worthless son of a bitch is dying of cancer abuot 6 months ago he applied for this bullshit called compasionate release so that he can be released to die wiht dignity a bunch of bleeding heart fucking idiot lawyer projects consisting of law students and profesors and all these others are fighting on his behalf ot have him released Ive hda to go to 5 parole meetings whihc is like 1 every month to basicly say I dont give a fuck about him dying with dignity and that he should rot right where he is which still isnt good enuogh considering the months I spent in coma and the years to deal with the burns dna lets not forget the fact that I am a mental disaster almost 2 decades later I get at least 5 calls a day from all kinds of people on his behalf telling me abuot how I need to forgive him and how I need to do this and that how I shuold want to have relationship wiht him how I will be sorry for nto Now lets not forget thta not once had he ever remotley apologized for being a sick fucking scumbag waste of life ro thta he is the reasno why I dnot have ayn family becuase he killde my only sibling the dya he tried to also kill me so this sikc fuck has all these people workin for free to get him tuo already talkin abuot gettin him nice free apartment and medical care and final trips he wuold like to go on anyway cant say anymore cause Im abuot 3 seconds away from throwing this fucking laptop out the window

First off Mike let me say how honored what you said about me..brought tears to me with your kind words.

though I can't say how you feel, but I sure do understand your anger and hurt. I totally agree with you that this (sperm donor) has no right to be released after what he had done. Its just not right. Man, you must have manage all the strength in the world to go in so often to the porole board to "explain" just why this monster should rot where he is, is lost all his rights as a human being long ago. Then to be hounded by people that say you should forgive him and let him die with dignity while he had almost taken your life..That is non of thier f..ing business. It would be so hard for me to not just yank the damn phone from the wall and through it out the window.

You have always been so kind to me mike, you have leaked out to me some of you kind and softer side which Im sure isn't easy for you, but it has been so uplifting to me, for that I can't thank you enough., I do understand the relunctness to trust others..I have that hard to do too.

I really do appreciate you sharing this very hard event of your life, I think you are a most amazing person, considering what you were put through at the hands of such a monster.

Just know I do think the world of you and how you have been such a good friend to Jedidiah.

Give Domino a big hug for, cause I have feeling you would be uncomfortable for me giving you one. Please have a good night, and please don't chuck the lap top out the window, I sure would miss hearing from you and Domino

I appreciate your being caring and kind to Mike Shannon, I knew you would be.

I am also glad you were able to share what you have been going through Mike. Now everyone in this area hopefully will be able to help you through it, after all that is what friends are for.

Well said Jedidiah:D

Shannon, I am so sorry for all that you were put through. I know how much strength it must have taken to do what you did essentially all by yourself. As Mike put it I like and admire your keep chugging along attitude despite it all. You are a deeply caring an strong woman even if you don't always feel or see it that way yourself.

I also appreciate your sharing it with us here because I know it has helped Mike. Like we've all voiced on a number of occasions about wishing you didn't live so, far away my wife also now wishes the same. No offense Shannon but I think she wants to take you in.

Mike, I am proud of you for letting the others in on what has been transpiring. I also think it gives a clearer picture of you to us all. I told you I would go with you next week if you would like me to. I think you should have some um warm bodies beside you. The Mrs. would also come if you'd like. I know you told me you didn't want to be a bother and again I'm telling you that you aren't. I also know that you like to be independent which is admirable but like Jedidiah stated let friends be just that friends. Garner support from everyone in here and accept in person help. Try to let me know by the weekend so, I can alter my work schedule accordingly. There isn't any reason why you need to continue to do this all alone.

Hotspot..whatta ya doing bringing tears to my eyes;), Tell the Mrs that wanting to bring me in made feel so ever so not alone..It has indeed a very tremdous journey for me. I like to think I have learned alot from the mistakes I have made along the way, the 80's were a very different time for me...somethings I remember, somethings I will never forget...It is truly amazing that I have survived it..but alas thats another story.

Mike, please do take Hotspots offer to go with you. the numbers would make an impression, it is often good to have a friend with you for this type of thing, you can bounce off what you want to say to Hotspot. Independance is a good thing, but having a good friend at your side is also a good thing. Take it from a former crime victim advocate..and whether you like it or not, I am going to be there with you in spirit, so there.

Hang in there Mike , dear friend.

Boy,, I am having such a hard time getting to sleep..It seems that I have been having major flashbacks of things of the past that I thought were forgotten and buried, everything is flooding into to brain like the waves of the ocean...things I now know really happened..I now know I have a lot more work ahead of me to get through these things that occured. I just hope it doesn't wipe me out entirely..such nightmares...and I have to face these ghosts alone....But...I know I will survive it! Just be patient if I come off the wall at times and don't be afraid to call me on it...(side note...I still love men) sorry just a little inside humor.

(((Shannon))) very sorry you are not feeling well and having nightmares. It would be good if you could have a friend near by to help you. I think I also remember you saying you would be able to get a little help on weekends caring for your mom so, that you could have some time for yourself. Is that still going to happen? I know you have a doctor for medication but what about counseling?

You are not doing well and Mike is not doing well. I wish I could be more helpful. btw I am glad you still love men because you are surrounded by them.:eek:

Luna, I am sorry I missed your post up above. I do not know what I will do come choice making time. If you posted more you might not feel as alone. I know I do not post a lot but I try to keep up with everyone. I do not want anyone to feel lonely.

Good morning Jedidiah, you are so right about that I have a doc for meds, but no one for counseling...but I do know of a wonderful therapist with hospice, who for some reason or other is able to get me talking, I usually don't do well with therapist..shhh, don't tell Hotspot that since I was persistant in getting hiim to go to one. If things don't get better I will make an appt with him, all I have to do is pay a donation fee for services. I managed to get some sleep last night, so maybe I will feel a bit more settled today, I will get to leave the house for 3 hours Saturday, no errands to do, just time for me.

I hope to hear from Mike soon, and not that I mind being the token woman here, sure would like hear from Luna. Malign...where are you.

Jedidiah, I always find such comfort in your words, thanks for being here, all of you guys have been very supportive and have given perspective on some issues of mine...thanks.

Well here I am again, been in a rather chatty mood, maybe more of a hyper mood..anyway it feels good. I think talking to you guys about some of the truama I experienced at the hands of others has lifted the wieght on my shoulders a bit. As for the flashbacks I mentioned, I am looking at them in a positive matter as much as possible..remembering and tossing them out to move on. I think thats what I mean..the holes in my life are filling in and it is now making sense to me.

I did a good thing today, this evening was beautiful out and mom was resting comfortably, so I took my dog Ringo out for a 20 minute walk up to the cementary we both got a good work out, the air was so fresh and the breeze was just right. It was a good day:D

I hope everyone is doing ok...sure wish to hear from you Mike, been thinking about ya.

Getting out for a walk is nice and I am happy you had a good day Shannon. I am also glad to hear you are able to see issues that have been showing their ugly heads as something positive. I think it probably takes a lot to get to that point. Courage, time, strength and a lot more time.

I know Hotspot is working tonight. Mike is also working. I am not sure if we will see Mike here soon. I know he can see the messages on his cell telephone however, and he asked me to let you know he really appreciated your reply. I know it meant a lot to him. I also know he is feeling embarrassed and as if maybe he should not have posted what he did. He is also a bit ashamed since he was drinking heavily when posting.

Hotspot and his wife are trying hard to get him to allow them to accompany him next week to the prison. Mrs Hotspot is a sweet lady. I also think her being a social worker might be helpful in this situation. I have been lucky enough to get to know Mike fairly well over the last several months, it makes me quite sad knowing what he has been through.

Im so glad you are Mikes friend... I want him to know he has absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about at all! I was so impressed with him opening up like he did, that is courage and I have so much respect for him...I knew there was something I liked about him..besides Domino. I surely do hope he will let Hotspot and Mrs Hotspot go with him..I told him I would beside him in spirit..I wish I could be there with you guys. I am a bit frustrated right now with my "outside" friends..they often burst my bubble, which happened tonight and after I had such a good evening with the dogs too. It's like they just have to rub it in that they are free to go do whatever they want and not showing any respect for my situation. It makes me feel so lonely. This "friend" just had to brag that she found a guy. Normally I wouldn't give a crap, but since going through all this memories of things that were done so many years ago..I feel that I may have to face the fact that I will live out the rest of my life by myself..and maybe thats just as well..sorry sounding a bit down..rollercoaster ya know.

Mike you are a great and courageous man, I have the upmost respect for you. I only wish the best for you, I don't know anyone who deserves that more than you.

Thanks Jedidiah for keeping updated..you are a life line.

Mike, I am touched that you trusted us with your past and what was done to you. I tend to agree with you to leave that man in prison.

Shan, I am so glad you have this outlet. I also often think I will be alone for the rest of my life; it's sad.

I am not doing well, either. I am now going to court to get an eviction order, she is refusing to pay her full rent and is not paying any arrears as she agreed to in the lawyer's letter. The last incident was when I was hanging out my washing, she said she does HER washing on weekends and I have had all week! (She had two dry towels hanging out.) Then she said I was mad (as in crazy). She has also reported me to the SPCA for animal cruelty which, considering how I care for my animals, is beyond ridiculous. I have had all I can take. Unfortunately she is also likely to get sympathy from the magistrate because she is old. One can get old but still not be a nice person. I hope I never become like that, I have told my kids that if I do, they must tell me I am full of shit!

Then yesterday my pdoc chewed me out for something related to my daughter whom she also sees (who is 17 and now has a stomach ulcer). I felt shamed, like I was a child being scolded. It wasn't a nice appointment, she does not know the meaning of the word 'gentle'.

I am just finding the world a bit harsh at the moment.

I did go for a job interview and the job sounds nice, it will include a bit of nursing, but it is mainly working at reception, making doc's bookings, taking money, helping people who are waiting etc etc. I also sent my CV to our local hospital for a nursing job. So we will see what becomes of that.

It's so good to hear from Luna, Im sorry the world is being harsh for you right now...seems like lots of that going on....its like having to do battle, especially when you have to deal with a person a like that cranky old woman...I hope everything comes out in your favor.

I got chewed out by my pdoc too...kinda makes ya feel you just got sent out into the hall by the principal at school...He usually doesn't chew me out, he has a gentle personality, he just got fed up with me not doing what he has been suggesting.

I hope things get better for you friend....remember we have a birthday party to plan in July;)

If I had a magic wand I would instantly give it a workout for all of you here. I've seemed to have misplaced my Merlin cape too. Being that I am without my wand or cape I can only hope for less hurt, turmoil and greater peace for everyone.

I realize both of your pdocs probably mean well and have your best interests at heart but being chewed out doesn't tend to get anything moving in the right direction.

A lot of things seem to be occurring here to those I've grown attached to. I tend to be quite action oriented as my wife calls it. It is incredibly difficult not to be able to help beyond caring and listening.

Mike, is going through a very difficult time and I really appreciate your gentle words to him Shannon. Even though he is too embarrassed to return to the site right now he really needs us. Although he is a man anyone decades younger than me I consider a kid. Thinking about it though I don't think he ever really got to be a kid. I did manage to get him to agree to allow my wife and I to accompany him to this coming weeks meeting. I also listened to several of the messages that he has been getting. It angers and disgusts me to no end hearing people defending and pleading for compassion and privileges for a completely evil sicko.

I've always considered Mike to be rather jagged around the edges. Considering what he survived it's not all too hard to better understand why. Like you though Shannon, I think we have all seen peaks into the real him. He is a good kid with a great sense of humor. In some ways he reminds me of myself.

I never in a billion years thought once I started posting instead of only reading posts like I did for more than a year that I would grow attached to anyone. After the bullshit that occurred at the beginning of the year I also didn't think I would stick around much longer. I am thankful that I did and grateful to have you guys here.

I know exactly what you mean Hotspot about the attachments we have developed here...you guys have gotten me through so many heartbreaks,,without judgements justcompassion which was most needed.

Hotspot, I still remember how relunctant you were in your first posts on the forums..but I am so glad you stuck with it. you kindness has ment alot to me..and even though I don't get to talk to the Mrs..I know that through what you have told us about she is an angel.

I am happy the Mike has agreed to let you accompany him...Im glad I didn't have to hear those messages...I don't if I could of held back my anger.

Mike please, please don't be imbarrassed about this..this bad things were not your fault..Boy I could tell you things that I am still embarrassed about to this day..in my youth I had done or should of said allowed myself to be in some very dangerous situations....these are the flashbacks I am currently dealing with..If makes me feel that this is why I am having to be here and watch my mother suffer so...its punnishment for the things I did in those wild days. Of course I am no longer that kid..but its is amazing I am alive...during those days I had lost many friends...one has never been found to this day..he was running drugs from Mexico...apparently met up with the wrong people..His parents don't even have a body..he's just gone, most likely dumped in the desert somewhere. Take care dear Mike, I miss you, you know that you have friends here.

Jedidiah..watcha doin...are you behaving yourself..are getting to get up ans out much yet?

Sorry for the misspellings...my eyes aren't quite opened yet...need more coffee.

Mike, please don't feel embarrassed - I have tons of admiration for you having survived such abuse.

See Mike..its ok that you don't feel like posting at the moment....but we are still gonna be talking to ya.

Yes, I have been behaving myself. I am still not back to being able to do everything that I had. I do enjoy being back with Angel and being out of that one roomed prison. I have not seen my parents in months. They are very disappointed with me but really want me to go home. I miss seeing my family and friends a lot. Mike, is kind enough to take me next week to visit with everyone. He has wanted to meet my family, friends and see my community. I hope it will be a mini vacation for him. Not having many of the technological marvels he is accustomed to or that surround us currently perhaps might not be such a nice vacation for him. I am concerned about that but he tells me it is something he has really been looking forward to.

In several of my correspondences with my community I have told them about everyone I have become friends with. They are interested in meeting Mike and especially Domino. I told Mike the children are excited to meet his mini horse.

I really do appreciate all of your kind words and encouragement being given to Mike. I am also greatly appreciative of Hotspot and his wife going with him this week. I am not really understanding why there needs to be as many meetings. It is hard for me to understand the judicial system. Mike, told me they are trying to say his father should be shown compassion because he is remorseful and terminally ill.

In my community forgiveness is a large component of daily life however, so is taking responsibility for ones actions. This team of lawyers working on his abusive father's behalf is attempting to blame his past despicable acts of cruelty on alcohol and illegal drug use. From what I do understand about the prison system many of it's inhabitants are there because of drug use with or without violent acts. I am not understanding why this team is choosing to help this man verse someone else that perhaps did not hurt anyone other than themselves.

I realize none of this really matters except for how it is making Mike feel.

I wish Malign would say something I know Mike likes him a lot. I had written to him a few weeks ago however, he did not reply. I am hoping he is OK and can find the time to check in with us all.