Im sorry your havin hard time shannon and real sorry you have to deal with that butthead of a aunt

If you wanna talk about stuff we can listen if not thats ok too like hotspot said thinking of ya

It feels strange being back and I can not sleep.

Shannon, I hope you are feeling better.

Hope you're OK, Shannon ...

Jedidiah, tell us about your visit home.

Still thinking about you ((shannon))

Yes, I am a posting machine tonight.

After emailing a few times with the new guy Astoria a lot of what he is going through rings home for me. I had started posting here also because of losing time. I didn't and don't lose anything near as much as he appears to however, the chunks that I have and do have been confusing an frightening to say the least. Although I am more than capable of listening to the guy and being just a caring ear I can not offer anything in the form of helpful optimism. I still do not know why I lose time of course there are the probable causes abuse, past military experiences, 9/11 and repeated work related loss and stress but no one really knows.

Then add in the fact that I don't do a lot of talking about feelings and I constantly censor everything I talk or write about. I tried the therapy route and although I did probably find the best possible fit with a therapist I have not really gotten much relief or grand answers. When our new foster son arrived and than also started seeing the same therapist I've seemed to focus more on his issues and how to help him. Having him like all my kids and wife I think is one of the only things that keep me from truly going bonkers. My wife accepts me for me but I know my not being well hurts her because she does everything to try and help. I'm just unable to go to places I probably need to in order to really be helped.

I thought posting at the site would help and although I am glad I did because had I not I wouldn't have ever met any of you guys. Truthfully though nothing of what I came here for do i discuss. Obviously can't be supported if you don't talk. Started therapy but again don't talk don't get anywhere. I am so, use to not talking it's like I don't even know how. The shrink sounds like a scratched disc always telling me I need to talk more. It sounds incredibly easy but even though I've tried I have not gotten anywhere.

Obviously this post doesn't really have a point.

Yes, I thought of you when I read Astoria's story, Hotspot. It must be so scary to lose time and not know what you did in that time.

Some of you may not know, but I have been unemployed for 2.5 years. I've just got a job. I am an RN and the job is at a small private hospital in their General ward. I have not worked in a ward for 27 years, since my training in fact so I am nervous as hell. I'm sure I have forgotten everything, especially as I was just a student nurse last time. I start in two days. You can read more about it in my blog..

Hi everyone,,sorry to have bailed like I did, but I just needed to take a bit of a break. Not just here but everywhere and everyone, except from one friend who got me through the rough patch....I guess for some odd reason I was experiencing disociation, jut wanted to crawl in cave for awhile....lots of personal changes going on with me right now..not comfortable talking about it yet...just that it involves accepting a new person in my life...I just don't know how much I can share my life...so I went a little nuts there for a bit...I know it will ok...have been down this road before....

I hope you had a good visit home Jedidiah,,sounds like enjoyed the peacefulness of it all...

Congrats on the new job Luna, I am sure you will be fine.

Hotspot, I really don't know we ever get the answers we are seeking, I know I have been searching most of my life all I get is more questions than anything. I think all I have gotten really is some tools to work through the mental garbage and that took years and I did it pretty much on my own. There was a point in your post...it explained what you are feeling....learning to talk about it after all Hotspot...

I have missed you guys...got a little lonely....

Good to hear from you again, Shannon.

I did have a spectacular time being with my family. It had been a long time since I had seen many of my family and friends. Mike visiting along with Domino was a added treat. I really enjoyed introducing him to everyone and having their company.

Hotspot, thank you for talking with Astoria. I believe your listening to him is more beneficial than you realise. I do wish you would let us all help you more.

I am very happy to hear you are doing a little better Shannon. It is nice having you back with us.

Luna, I think you will do fine at your new job. Congratulations on getting the job to begin with. If you were not worried about starting something new than I think we all would have to really talk. I wish you well and hope you will let us know how it goes.

Glad to see you back with us Shannon. How are you doing since you last posted?

There definitely appears to be more questions than answers to all of this dissociation stuff. One thing I realized was that the more I worried about it the worse it became. Not focusing as much upon it has helped a little. Also focusing more on the kids and especially our new one has in a lot of instances been of greater help.

Luna, did you start the job? How did it go?

My wife got a call today asking if we would take in another child. I'm not sure if the state thinks my wife and I have a hotel or are special enough to get 48hrs of energy in a 24hr day. Raising kids period is a challenge but foster kids come with even more challenges and needs. It simply wouldn't be fair to kids we already have let alone another one. My wife would take in every kid needing a home but it's just not feasible. I'm angry with these caseworkers that keep calling to ask.

Our new kid is settling but is still no where near the OK stage. The goal is to get him ready to attend school in the fall. Fall time is months away of course but right now he isn't even close to being able to attend. His caseworker called sometime last week informing my wife that he is now officially a permanent ward of the state. Social services wants us to consider adopting him.

Thankfully my parents have helped out for years with the kids and continue to do so. I am not sure if my wife and I could do what we do without them.

It must be really difficult having to deal with social workers calling trying to give you more children and having to turn them away. I kind of think it is a little cruel for them to be doing what they are. It is not as if they do not know how many children you already have. The fact that some have serious problems also is already known by the social workers so, I am confused about them wanting to give you both more.

What is going to happen if the new child can not attend school next year? What needs to happen for him to be able to?

I returned to work after months being away. It was nice to see many of my new friends. It was really nice of them to keep my jobs for me especially since so, many are without work. My job at the bakery went alright almost as if I had not been away at all. My job at UPS was a lot for me to take in. I forgot just how busy the warehouse becomes. All of the noises and machines will take a lot of getting use to again.

Mike and I are looking forward to visiting your firehouse on Friday. It will be nice to see all the guys you brought to visit me when I was in the hospital. I bought a new memory card so, that I can take pictures until I drop. I hope you and the guys will not be annoyed by my doing so. I got my t-shirt and hat all ready. I have been looking forward to visiting your firehouse for months.

Luna, how did you do at work?

Shannon, how are you doing?

What happened to Malign he does not say hello anymore. I think our moderator needs to get on him.

Work is quite overwhelming. I hardly know any of the medications anymore, I don't know the ward routine, I don't know what the different sterile packs are for, or what gets done for what diagnosis. I run after the others asking them to tell me what they are doing. I did take some blood yesterday and today I started an IV so I guess I will get used to things. I see I am on night duty at the end of this month - I don't want to rock the boat and say "but you said ..." as I don't feel I have that much bargaining power, so I will just keep quiet and see how it goes. Fully half of work will be night duty. My therapist is going to groan - he is the one who emphasises how important it is for bipolars to have a regular sleep-wake cycle. Hah!

I feel like I will NEVER learn everything! But I guess it is only my second day. I have to drag information out of the senior nurse and am probably being a nuisance. I also feel so stupid when everything needs to be explained to me - stuff someone who has worked for a while just knows. But I will persevere.

Will try and get Malign to show his face. Shannon are you ok?

Hi all, sorry I haven't been on much...still just trying to get through each day as it comes...and having to deal with some change in my body (sorry guys), but I am at that age..Its horrible to say the least, can't sleep well at all, can't regulate my body temperature...I hope it gets over with soon..(again sorry guys). Been trying my best to get all the physical exercise I can, I always feel better when I exercise.

Luna, I have faith that you will get back into the swing of things, keep us updated.

Elijah..I so happy to hear that you are getting back to work and are able to get out....told you would eventually recover, just takes awhile.

Hotspot...oh man don't get me going on social workers...you know how I also feel about them....I see it here all the time. I have to say though I don't think we have decent foster homes here at all.....Children Services here will just about approve anyone so that they have a place to dump these....If things were much different for me I would open my home to these children..but I don't think thats going to happen anytime soon.

I am going to start in a week or two to teach a disabled girl to ride...looking forward to that...hoping that will take my mind off of things.

Mike, how are you...and Domino.

Luna dont be so hard on yourself youll get stuff in time and dont say you are a nuisance to the senior nurse that you are askin questions of in a lot of ways thats part of being senior anything on a job any senior that has problem with that especially in job like yours is a dope

And its ok if malign dont want to say hi no more thats his choice I know several of us asked for him several times over many weeks Id be worried if not seen him around postin but he has been so he just doesnt want to say hi no more

Shannon what you goin through womanapause or somethin? sure miss havin everyone postin here often but no one is forced to post when you are up to doin it Teachin a special kid sounds good you will prbably like doin that lots I like the idea but I dont got patience for stuff like that I was thinking of maybe being a puppy foster parent service dog agency where I am is looking for foster puppy parents for first year or so of a doggies life before it goes to full training to become service dog for disabled Id love havin another furry friend around not so sure Id be able to give him or her up though gotta think more about it

Domino is doin good thanks he just had a nice bath today and his nails trimmed and his teeth brushed and ears cleaned he is all spruced up think he misses the kids in amishland though they all kept him very busy and he loved the barn animals

Hotspot the caseworkers callin you and the mrs sound like either they just dont care and wanna stick the kids some place to say they have or they really know how much you and the wifey take care of kidds and want to load yas up either way though I can understand how rough it must be for you guys to have to turn kids away bein a foster parent is huge job and like shannon said most foster parents just suck so fact you guys dont suck and actually like the kids and do everything yous can for them is ginormous anyway see ya tomorrow seen the president came visitin you guys today did you get to meet him? I dont know about you but having it take almost 10 years for osama to be found and killed trillions of bucks later it all is so anticlimatic to me all them patting them selves on back its only matter of time before another asshole takes his spot and theres probably already evil fuckers livin among us again but hey lets feel up the little kid at the airport and make sure you only have 4oz of shampoo friends of mine want to go away this summer sounds good but couldnt pay me to get on a plane so if cant drive there Im not goin

That motherfucker waste of life scum wad is being released in a few weeks they got him nice apartment free of charge drove by it this evening think it wouldnt be too hard to mow down in my car maybe I could claim temporary insanity or somethin it so nice to see where all the tax money is goin maybe you could help me blow it up

Good to hear from you Mike, I hate it that MF scum got what he wanted..there is something so wrong about that, when there are families and people who need help to get on their feet and then someone like that gets a free hand.....makes my "womanpause" body boil big time...yes its true I think I am approaching that place in time. But it explains my moods not being so stablize as I thought.

Seems everyone has been so busy with their lives Mike..As for me ..I just don't get the me time as much right now..mom's needs are becoming more frequent through the day and night...I am actually now getting less sleep than I was when I first started posting in the forum...I am just doing what I can to get through a day...

I think raising a service dog Mike is such a great idea and Domino would be a good role model..

Really having a tough time with the Mother's Day thing this year, I guess cause of mom's health and just trying to get through each day now....I honestly don't know what keeps her going...Then theres the part where I was mother to two children while their mother spent time in prison....and then the child I gave up for adoption when I was young....just don't know which way to turn...Im not necessarily depressed just a lonely sadness. I have missed a big chunk of my life....

Shannon, I am sorry you are hurting. Maybe you could try to do something nice for yourself and mother on mother's day. Perhaps have something different to eat together or watch a movie. I suppose my suggestions could sound trivial however, something different and special you both do not usually share together might be nice.

I think Jedidiah's suggestion is a good one. Trying to do something a little special and different for you an your mother might be a way of changing the outlook of "the" day. It can't erase any of the hurt or pain these prior days included but it possibly could alter the new ones from being a dread.

Thanks for the suggestions Elihah and Hotspot..will try and think of something special for her, got her a jasmine plant..it's just that it is so hard..with her short term memory she will appreciate the thought at the time, but then totally forget what day it is...in fact its hard for her to remember what season it is even if she can see the cherry blossoms outside our window..I could tell her its Christmas and she would believe me...I think its more my issue than hers. I am now to the point of taking each moment of the day to survive. It scares me that she may out live me....

I hope you managed to do something special for yourself Shannon.

I am at work but I need to write here because I am very worried. Hotspot was hurt at work. I called to speak with him and his wife answered telling me that he had been injured. She told me he will be OK but she always sounds quite calm actually she has a way of making me calm only listening to her voice. I suppose that perhaps might sound strange anyway, she did not sound like her usual self.

Hotspot has been of great help and support to me in so, many ways. I am trying to get my work done but all I can think about is him. I really messed up a batch of jelly donuts not paying attention. I just kept squeezing jelly in till they burst and an entire batch was ruined. My chest is pounding and Mike must have turned off his telephone. Everytime I have called the call gets sent to a machine or voice mail.

Jedidiah, this is so scary, please keep us posted on anything you find out....sorry for not being on her so much..just trying to get through each day as it comes..going to be a hard day to day..taking mom to her doctors appt..takes a lot to get her there...

But please let me know whats going on with Hotspot, I keeping him in my thoughts and prayers...I will try and check in more frequent to see if you have an updat.

Hotspot we are thinking of you and hoping you heal quickly!

All I know is that he is going to be in the hospital until at least next week. I know Mike talked with Mrs Hotspot today but I am still waiting to hear more.

I hope the day went as well as it could for you with your mother Shannon.

I have to get going to ride into work. I am hoping I do not ruin anything tonight.

Any more news on Hotspot???