:) :(

e-mailed my therapist again - sheeze i hope she isnt cross with me for messing her about so much this past couple of days

keep getting images in my mind that i cant understand, it dont make sense and its freaking me a little. cant do this anymore :(

Sweetheart, it seems to me this all started when your therapist tried to ask you how you felt... The things you have been through are just too much for one person to bear, way too much :( :(

Can you let some people in, SueSue, to help you be ok? Right now you need help. Your therapist could help you. Tell her what started all this. Tell her it is all too much and you need a way to cope. To not be so alone with this.

I'm glad you are reaching out, dear one, thank you

The images and the drinking and the pills are about pain and pulling apart makes it worse, even though it seems necessary at the time to numb yourself. Being with people that care can help you find a way back to you, back to your resources, back to your ok, and to a bit of healing even

scared of telling her that, its too deep - it kinda cuts me up inside so much. the pain so strong thast i wish i was dead just so that i dont feel it anymore. scared of letting her know truely how i feel, incase i feel that intensity even stronger. have to stay numb, i have to.

Tell her exactly that, that it is too much, it is dangerously too much, and that you need a way to cope with "too much" that isn't the hospital and isn't all alone hiding your pain. Sue, we are here for you, I know it isn't enough, but we really care and want you to find a way in this :(

dont know if i can say that, my words get so muddled when actualy talking. it makes sense what you say big sis, it really does. dont want to go back to lock up. she cant make me go back there can she?

Lets find a way to do this, Sue.

You need a way to take care of you when you hurt.

No way is this hurt easy. It is flat out too much to bear.

Being all alone only reinforces and increases your pain; you were too alone then, after all. It is another trigger.

Tell her you need to get a healthy support system going to help you in times of need and you know you need help, but you do not want the help to be the hospital.

they wrote up a support plan thingy the other week (i think) its around this flat - somewhere idk, things are all over the place lately. think when i get like this i am meant to call the cpn out, well thats what i signed to do if i remember right, it was one of the conditions of me getting discharged from hospital last time. meant to see the therapist twice a week and go to group art therapy once a week oh sheeze i cant remember it all. havnt done any of it though coz ive been in hiding, or drunk or doped up or just too numb to bother. i really screw up

Today is a new day.

Maybe today is about giving something a try It could be seeing your therapist, it could be something on your support plan.

why do they make support plans anyway? i mean when im down i never want to be around people, certainly havnt got the courage to phone the cpns or the mh support line, or go to the groups or sessions. i always shut myself away coz i have to. people are scarey, they hurt.

your right big sis, today is a new day. it just does'nt feel like it

Plans help us when we get overwhelmed and start coping in harmful ways. A good plan has good things on it, things that help.

What would you put on your plan, what are the things that help you?

at the moment the only things that are helping arent necessarily the things that help. does that even make sense.

i suppose sensibly it would be the things that are already on the care plan....... but im not feeling able to do any of them, well not to any kind of degree that makes it count.

i really tried last night, to do some of the things - but i think i was already too far gone into one. i went for a walk in the rain and then found myself walking along the frigging viaduct - yeah that werent too clever, stood in the rain - looking down and it was hours before i could pull myself away rather than jumping. what the heck i was doing - idk. grateful no-one is out and about at that time in the morning thats for sure.

maybe parts of me just dont want to be helped

those parts might just be very very tired :(

In my life, it is the thoughts about the feelings that are the most damaging... feeling feelings can trigger an entire belief system that is very very dark. The feelings themselves, in a pure form, are actually cleansing. The negative thinking about all that is not at all cleansing, and needs to be addressed. (slowly, bit by bit, over time)

why do they make support plans anyway? i mean when im down i never want to be around people' date=' certainly havnt got the courage to phone the cpns or the mh support line, or go to the groups or sessions. i always shut myself away coz i have to. people are scarey, they hurt.

[/quote']

I feel that way too a lot--who ever had the idea that you should be able to call anyone when in distress must be confused. That's exactly when it's hardest to pick up the phone. What they need to do is distribute easy buttons....push the button and help is magically on the way. Not only that, but they already know exactly what the problem is without you telling them and know exactly how to fix it. If only...

I'm glad you were able to email your therapist suesue. I'm sorry this is so difficult. I want to sit with you too, but I have to go in a few minutes. I'll be thinking about you, though (and shouting at the voices and vultures as always.)

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

the therapist just returned my e-mail, she cant come over today now, her appointments are fully booked, my own fault shouldnt of messed her about so much in the first place.

oh well.

back to the drawing board, guess it dont matter anyway.

guess it dont matter anyway

can we cleanse that thought, sweetie?

I'm glad you got to a point of reaching out. That's a good thing I'm sorry things were too booked for it to work today, but there will be another chance.

Today is maybe about holding steady as best you can....

It DOES matter sue. I'm sorry your therapist is so busy. That doesn't mean your problems aren't important. Can you call the CPN? (Is there a way to email the cpn?). I know you know it needs to be done. I also know it isn't even remotely easy. BUT I also know you can do it.

I've got to run for now, but I'll check in later. Please take care of yourself suesue. We all care about you.

my therapist said she can see me next tuesday, feel like telling her to stuff it where the sun dont shine. how rude am i? sheeze. i should probably feel sorry for the therapist coz she got a bum deal when she took me on her books.

Keep that appointment if you can, sis

Meanwhile, can you call the CPN and just report in?

You've got us, SueSue

yeah, i havnt cancelled it - want to though, think im angry but dont even know why - go figure.

i am tempted too call the cpn, kinda really struggling more than usual today, dont want to go too far, feel like im going to, but they always make me go into hospital. i cant go back there.

thanks you guys are so kind to me

you've got a lot to be angry about. Not necessarily about your therapist's availability in this case, but it could certainly be a trigger for your anger about other events in your life. There are reasons for this stuff. Gaining a perspective on it helps to make sense of why things set you off. A perspective can also buy you a little time before you get triggered too.

We love you, SueSue. :( hope you can tell

a little perspective would probably go a long way with me right the now, im confused. things are getting blurry again, sheeze i dont like this. tried phoning cpn, and couldnt even speak - how dumb is that, they hung up on me in the end, and there i am sat there with a phone to me ear and llistening to the disconnect buzz, tears streaming down my face and laughing - whats that all about - cant even make a frigging phone call. sheeze :mad:

FAIL

theres always tomorrow:(

Try again?

Let's work out what to say.

This is Sue ___ and I am just checking in with you. I know it's been a while and I am letting you know where I'm at.

I have an apt with my therapist I plan to keep on Tuesday.

Saying hi.

I hope you can try again with the call, Sue. imagine all of us around you and offering our support. you can do it.