cant cope so i do the pills and drink, then do it some more till i pass out. dont matter what time of the day/night it is. here I am and there they are. its ok for the voices and vultures to get to me when im numb, coz i dont care then. pretty pathetic, i know :)

i should be ashamed of myself, i should now better. well - i am, and i do, knowing that doesnt change anything.

im stuck like this, i know i am.

So the voices/vultures are playing up then. Does the medication help any with that? Maybe you need an adjustment that would help.

Sue, I know you are trying to manage the best way you know how at the moment. There has to be a way to become unstuck. You can start by doing something differently. I hope you will still consider phoning your therapist.

they never leave, even when i do what they tell me to, i just never manage to get it right, so they stay till i get it right - its impossible i always fuck it up. if i OD the meds, it just makes me not care so much that they are there, if i take more of them, mix in the tabs and the drink eventually i dont care at all. So yeah, i suppose in a way the meds help with that.

there isnt a way to get unstuck, not that i know of any how. the p'docs try to stop it - they cant. the therapist is good at helping me to understand different parts of me - but she cant stop the voices and the vultures from being with me. im caved underneath it all.

my therapist e-mailed me earlier, asking how i was. i cant reply. what do i say to her? I know what i want to say, but all im gonna end up doing is putting it off, and then through some sense of guilt for not being ok, i'll just reply - im fine.

just found this song. it speaks a few volumes on how things are for me.

GOTTA GO.

It's a powerful song. It's good to connect with your feelings.

Has there ever been a time when the voices weren't playing up? what were you doing then? If you can't talk anymore, you can just ignore.

I'm sorry for your pain. Wish I had something more to offer.

yeah, there was a time. i first heard the voices and saw the vultures as a teenager, thats why i was hospitalised for two years back in the 90's.

then one day they went away - and stayed away for 15 years. I managed to get on with my life. had the odd off days with the nightmares, but it was bearable. even live medication free.

think that is what is called a false sense of security - and i was totally suckered into it. :mad:

coz they have been back for a couple of years now - and they are stronger than they were back then.

its just so draining being like this................

dont know what to do anymore. i have just had more than i can bear. vicious circles and constant spiralling. its ok to give in to them. ive tried.

Just a brief escape that i hope is soothing. she always brings me to tears.

I'm sorry this is so hard, sweet Sue. Did something happen to make them stop or make them reappear? If they went away before, it can happen again. I don't know much about this...but wonder if caring for yourself and working through some very painful stuff...healing... might silence them? Have you talked with your therapist about all of this?

Just a incident of escaping from that DH Peter, living with my children in various refuges for nearly a year, a two year court case to stop him having ANY contact with my children finally ending (which I won) and then one final move into a area that I did not know, and knew no-one - always scared that he would find us again. Then I had a little breathing space where things had settled down - and thats when, the voices and vultures returned. :mad:

The therapists and p'docs should know this - its well documented throughout my notes - if they bothered to read them, that is. Havnt talked about it with this therapist though, she is mainly helping me to come to terms with the adoptions of my babies at the moment.

You have and have had so very much to cope with, Sue. Quite possibly you have never had a great therapist to work with you on all of this. Sounds like your new one is very caring, though. She wrote to check on you. Maybe it would help to simply allow her comfort right now?

I like Sara McLauhlin a lot and thought that you might also like this song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruJqI0QKbPM

Hugs and I am here for you.

Thanks for the link Lana - its a very emotional song for me. Sheeze will the tears ever stop falling today.

Well I have e-mailed my therapist - though I think its a waste of her time. :)

Coz I think ive taken myself to far into the hole, to get out again. And yep now im out of it completely time for me to hopefully pass the hell out and hope that tomorrow waits a few decades before appearing to me, coz I dont want it :mad:

I'm glad you emailed her. She would want to know how much you're hurting. You'll find your way out, Sue. Keep fighting.

Raindrops on calm water

I hope you don't mind my telling this story again, lil sis.

sometimes the strangest thing will make a click inside that pulls you out...

I was in a very stuck place once and in lots of trouble-- my adult self was no where to be found, she was MIA, and my child self was left panicing and in charge, week after week. A friend had me over and we were talking at her kitchen table, but she couldn't figure it out either or help me. For some reason though, hearing myself talk to her, I got a picture of myself mowing the lawn. That was something my adult self knew how to do. You go down one pass, the next one lines up next to the previous one, and you keep going until the job is done. For some reason, that image worked to call back my adult self and do the things that I needed to do to function and complete the huge tasks in front of me.

I'm sorry if this seems way off topic.... I just want to help :)

Thinking of you, Sue, and hope you are able to rest peacefully tonight.

I was looking through my writing trying to see if I had any positive stories or chapters I could post for you....but mostly I write depressing crap. My characters always seem to have shitty lives...I'm mean like that. But do you know how I usually end my stories? I don't make happy endings. Or at least not "and then everything was perfect" endings, because that's not life. But I get my characters far enough that they're ok. (Until the sequel...). There are sometimes funny misadventures on the way though (I could maybe dig one up if you're interested). What can your friends do to help get you to "be ok?" OR...maybe distract you with (safe) entertainment or misadventure? Sometimes moving sideways helps you see that there's more to the picture... It's hard to get perspective when you're stuck in the middle of the crap. Maybe the voices and vultures are making it that much harder too....but for what it's worth, I'm still yelling at them for you and they know I'm going to fuck them up if they try anything....

{{{{{{{bug hugs big sis}}}}}}}

should never of e-mailed my therapist yesterday - she wants to see me today :mad:

aint going anywhere, she cant make me go

besides too late anyway now

heya Sue, would it really hurt worse to go? :)

yep, maybe, possibly, idk. think ive taken too many meds again(:mad:) it would be wasting her time. scared that if i go out i wont come back, cant trust myself today. its not safe to go.

does she do home calls? :)

she did say she would come to me, but i told her not to bother, its not fair on her.

plus by that time i was past caring and was well into planning mode. something has to stop, but i dont see how its possible.

Can you call her and tell her to come over, Sue? I have some time this morning to sit with you

that would mean actually picking up the phone and talking, not sure i am brave enough for that maybe i could e-mail her and ask. but i have e-mailed her twice already this morning.

3 times is a charm!

I'm gonna drop my car off at the garage and I'll be right back, SueSue ! ! !