Add your one-liner here

[2002to2009]

Ahem...

"There once was a young man from Newcastle,

who tied up a turd in a parcel.

He sent it to Spain

with a note to explain

that it came from his grandmother's arsensal."

Hey, if you guys can break the one-liner rule, then so can I. Hee. :-)

[paula]

A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.

''What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!''

The man, amazed, yells back. ''What do you think I have, a hose?''

Q: What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?

A: A man's undivided attention!

The Englishman says, ''I've got ten children, one more and I'll have a football team.''

The American says, ''I've got fourteen children, one more and I'll have a rugby team.'' The Arabian says, ''I've got seventeen wives, one more and I'll have a golf course.''

[FlowFreak]

"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question."

[paula]

People who say they are perfect have already proven themselves wrong.

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's.

She changes it more often.

The truth is out there.

Anyone know the URL?

Psychotics build castles in the sky, neurotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent.

Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

Our planet is the mental institution for the universe.

[finding my way]

I am finally back after suffering MAJOR computer issues. There has got to be some comic relief about computers somewhere out there!!!

[paula]

Hi Finding my way & welcome back yet again!

If you look through my post, you will see that I have included some one liners on computers. Have a ganders and tell me what you think?

Sorry Finding my way (GANDERS) means a look in English slang!

[finding my way]

Thanks Paula, the one on WINDOWS did it for me!!!

[2002to2009]

Ever wonder why gorillas have big nostrils?

It's because they have big fingers.

[paula]

A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

[2002to2009]

Cute.

How do you leave the art museum?

You step on Degas to make the Van Gough.

[Just Me]

I'm lost, I've gone to go look for myself, if I should come back before I return, please ask me to wait.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

A portion of some Meatloaf lyrics:

No one said it had to be real, but it's got to be something you can reach out and feel.

[malign]

Couple of bumper stickers seen lately:

"Caution: this van driven by a blind guy" on the back of what turned out to be a commercial van for an installer of window shades and blinds.

"Wag more. Bark less."

[John Rutledge]

deleted....

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge

[paula]

A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.

''What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!''

The man, amazed, yells back. ''What do you think I have, a hose?''

[smallstar]

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?

DAMN!

[malign]

Mine says "Ouch", but it comes out more like "Glub".

[karai]

Hi everyone,

I got some really good ones someone sent me thro' the email:

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences...He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

3. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

4. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

6. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

7. I'm not a complete idiot--some parts are missing.

8. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

9. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

10. Procrastinate Now!

11. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?

12. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

13. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

14. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

15. Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down...are the ones who got you

mad in the first place...

16. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

17. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Have a good evening...

[finding my way]

Those are great!!!!

[karai]

Hi finding my way,

I got more....!

A Plausible Explanation?

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

Psych Quiz

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Hope you enjoyed these too...

Edited May 24, 2009 by karai

[finding my way]

ha ha! There's truth in it all

[Amanda]

...........

Edited June 11, 2010 by Amanda
DM

[karai]

Hi Amanda,

That was funny. Didn't expect that punch line!

Here's one for the gals. Sorry guys, at your expense but too funny not to share....

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men...men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit (pardon my French) out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[paula]

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor your 44.."

The Professor said "you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half nuts."

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."

Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold," ........ At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.

We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.

On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

[karai]

Hi Paula,

That dog/cat joke is funny--describes my cat very well--queen of the house!

Anyway, here is another one--sorry again, guys......

MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: from a women’s perspective

Why Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000 Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Edited May 29, 2009 by karai

[malign]

Not bad. :-)

The answer to which way to turn a nut is "Righty-tighty, lefty-loosy". No, it's not innate.

And a fair number of these are y'all's fault, not ours. :-P