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Jetliner
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Hi John,

Do you need a committement? I will be glad to see that you've found her (I don't get why would anybody refuse you those informations by the way..) and what happened, how was she, what did she do (as she is a musician, and I am too, I definately look forward to see what kind of person she is and how she reacts). And whatever the result may be, whatever your feelings about it may be, we will still be here to listen to your thoughts.

Good luck with your searching. Don't forget, you have a right to know!

Just have in mind not to expect too much from her. She is a person and she will definately be stressed to face her past, so you never know what her reactions will be. I think in her place I would wait to see what this stranger who says is my child really expects from me by it's coming back. So maybe you have to think in advance of your reason, so as to make both feel comfortable with your visit.

Have luck!

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Good morning John.

It's been a very long time since I've considered this seriously. My parents abandoned me in Mexico at around 3 months and I've long thought of trying to find out who they are. I was passed from family to family growing up, but no one knows anything. Of all the pains I've ever experienced, the knowledge that I was left behind (dumped perhaps) ranks as the most profound not only b/c of the act of being left, but also b/c of all of the unnecessary suffering I had to endure as a child and teen.

As an adult I've considered this route also and have not done it for fear of what I might find. My greatest fear being only 2, that they are alive but want nothing to do with me still ("David, this is why we left you!"), or that that they are alive but have suffered so much that their pain would become mine ("We could not raise you, so we left you in the hands of others who could.").

Today, I'll think about his again and your thread has opened up an old and deep wound, not one I resent, but one that needs to be explored once again, nearly 15 years after my last serious consideration.

David

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Jetliner,

I don't want to make things worse, nor do I want to make you step back, but I have a real story of a woman I knew and you may want to see what I mean by saying that she is a person and you can't tell her reaction.

This woman I knew, back when I learned this story, had 3 almost grown up kids and a husbant. When she was a teenage somebody attacked her on the road while she was returning home one night. She was young and as far as I remember her mother didn't accept the baby so she had to give it away though she didn't want to. Then, I don't know under what circomstances, she came to my country (a foreighn country for her) and started a family and though didn't forgott of course all this, she thought it's a finished old story. But while at her 40s, her son searched and found her. She met him all in privacy and had the talk you are seeking to have. In privacy she kept all this story all those years from her family and of course the incident of the talking. Now I don't know if she sees him now and then or if they communicate in any way, but what she told him is that he should not reveal himself, she can't say to her family she has a son cause as she said they would never forgive her for that. Now I didn't say that she made the right decisions in her life, I didn't say that life and family (mother, husbant, kids) had made it any more easy either, but I can't quite accuse her for not having the strenght to tell. On the other hand I can understand the feeling of his son whose fault was clearly not his for what he has lived (and what he hasn't). I think I can tell haw awful must it felt of being unwanted and even "hiding" instead of gaining back his mom. But I say that you have to be prepared to everything and mature enough to accept that her and your life have other paths and she may want to keep it that way. However wrong she may have been she is still a human and I don't say that to be her lawyer but that you should cover yourself from a possible hurting.

Hope I prove wrong of course.

All the best!

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Hi John

I am a bit confused here?

the fact that my parents have both died now and, besides feeling shall we say, alone? I'm feeling disconnected to the past. I feel like I'm dangling, so to speak, like at some point in the past, there was nothing and then there was me. Obviously, that's physically how it is but, there's no continuity, you know? Not sure if that even makes sense.

You mention that both your parents are both dead!

I'm afraid of not finding her. I'm afraid of finding her! I'm afraid she won't want to meet me. I'm afraid that maybe, she's died. I'm afraid that I'll think she's a freak; or that she'll think I'm a freak! And most of all, as hard as it is for me to admit this, to myself more than anyone else, I'm afraid that - I'll be a disappointment to her.

You mention that you are afraid of finding her?

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No, not at all. Actually, I've considered this too already. Kinda falls under the heading of, "What if she doesn't want to meet me?" It's possible that whatever her life is like now, there are people in it that don't know and she may want to keep it that way.

But I can't let that possibility deter me. Guess it's just, "see the ball; hit the ball." But nothing's gonna happen so long as I stay in the dugout. Okay, that was weird. :D

I don't really believe it, by I hope you didn't get me wrong. I'd never say you shouldn't go to search for her. Just to concider all possibilities so that you don't get hurt/dissapointed. I'd leave nobody stop me if I was you so... :(

And of course nothing is going to happen if you don't try. I always liked this point of view :P

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi John,

I am a psychotherapist, an administrator here and a writer for Mental Help.Net but I am also a person who grew up without knowing my father until I finally met hime when I was 38 years old.

One of the factors that delayed my meeting him was not wanting to hurt my mother by doing anything that seemed disloyal to her. The other was fear that I did not know what I would find and that he might not like me.

Finally meeting him was a great relief and I learned a lot. I advocate people meeting their birth parents and, as a therapist, have experienced great success for the patients who did venture out and make those contacts.

Autognosy is correct in cautioning you about what you will find. You have to be mentally prepared for possible rejection and hurt or disappointment about the type of person you find.

However, it is my professional and personal opinion that it is worth the risk to find birth parents for many reasons. First, you need to know about your genetic history. Second, there could be other relatives you would enjoy meeting. Third, you could learn a lot about your origins and about your birth father.

All of us have a need to know about our biological parents. So, go ahead, make the plunge but just be ready for disappointment. On the other hand, it could turn out to be a wonderful experience. In my opinion and my personal experience and professional experience, its is worth it.

Allan:)

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Hi John,

I wanted to share with you that I am a birth mother of 2 adopted children. What follows is just my story and the outcomes are unique in every situation.

Firstly, I don't think of them as "my children" but that does not mean I have forgotten them or dismissed them. I believe it's due to not making that mother/baby bond that happens when you raise a child.

My girl was born when I was just 14 of a family friend who molested me. I've always called it rape, but in definition it was molestation. I was around 4 months pregnant when my mom found out. I suspected I might be, but didn't have a clue about how to get help.

I wanted my daughter to have a nice home, but most of all I wanted her not to be mine. My family convinced me to keep her but a baby was the last thing I ever wanted. An aunt and uncle raised her after a bit of turmoil. She always knew I was her birth mother but we had no contact.

My son came along at 18 from a father that beat me close to death many times. Because of the huge amount of stress I was under, he was born premature weighing just 1.3 lbs. He fit in the palm of my hand. I knew I could not raise this baby because I could not even keep myself safe. His adoptive parents were chosen by me. I know where he is and expect no contact as he has serious mental deficits due to being born so early.

My girl wanted to know me as she got older and buy the time she was 16 it was impossible not to get together. She liked to compare herself to me and I tried to humor her. We went through the next 15 years in a kind of distant friendliness. Her seeking a connection and me seeking peace in my life. Only recently have I reached the level of safety and peace needed to participate in the connection part of the relationship.

What I want you to take away is that you were a part of your birth parents lives, if even for just a second. You have no way of knowing what part of life that was though. As long as you go in without demands or expectations and with great patience I believe you will ease your curiosity. Pay very close attention to your motives because whatever your expectations are, theirs may or may not match.

Best wishes to you in your search for answers.

Edited by Cloud9
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  • 2 weeks later...

I wish you luck with your search. I hope that you find answers and that the answers bring you peace. I am on the "other side" of a search. My mother gave up a child for adoption before I was born. A couple of years ago I found out that I have a sister, when the child my mother gave up for adoption found my mom. Interestingly enough, she also began her search after the death of her own loving parents... maybe that is common? We (my sister and me) are still in the figuring out stage of a relationship, but I think that my sister's re-entry into my mother's life, along with the love and support my brothers, myself, adn the rest of our family has given, has brought them both great peace. My mother and she are forging a relationship. It is very difficult to understand the social ramifications of being pregnant and unwed at the age of 18 that were in place in the early 1960's. The shame that my mother felt (and still feels) is confusing and upsetting to my brothers and me, as well as to my sister... but it was a different time. I pray that you find your mom, and that things work out the best way possible for you all.

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Being frightened is certainly understandable when you're taking risks. Perhaps discovering your truth will be freeing in its own right no matter what the outcome. Having said that, I hope the experience is a positive one which gives you inner serenity about your past. Take care and let us know how things progress.

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Hi there John ,

Gosh I do not know how I missed your thread . I am in all support of you finding your birth parents. I am most certain that this has been on your mind for years. The longing and curiousity is natural , and it tends to eat away inside of you .

OK , I'll tell you I have been there . Mine was because my birth parents lost custody of us at a very young age. I wa only 3 , and had brothers. Total their were 5 of us .4 of as as little children were split up and taken away , into different foster homes

Throughout my childhood I heard nothing but horrible , evil stories about my birth parents. However, I was protected , shielded from knowing the full story .

The birth parents never signed away their parental rights so none of us could be adopted . 2 of my brothers went back and lived with the birth parents. my birth parents never gave up trying to win custody, even going so far as to making threating phone calls , and trying to kidnap us .

Well , I did keep in touch with one bio. brother . I started visiting him and his family a few times. I decided I wanted to be a part of his life and felt cheated that we never grew up together. I lost my job , then packed up , out of the Bay area, and moved to where he lived . I have a son , and he had a family too. I wanted our families to become close and be a family once and for all.

Eventually , our other bio brothers came to town, because my one brother had already connected with them. After over 35 years I met them. They have many problems in their life. Drugs and criminal activity.

A couple yrs later our bio father loses his home , and he too, comes out to live . I am 36 yrs old, and meet him . He is sick , in a wheelchair , not in the best of health. Everything I heard about my father just was not true. I also had the pleasure in meeting my bio mother. All my life , even as a small girl would dream of her. My foster mother was cruel to me , and abusive.

SHe is the same height as me. She is soft spoken and very quiet . Hard to believe that these were evil , horrible people. most of my bio brothers are messed up , but was it becasue of what they had to endure ?

I would never trade it for the world , meeting my biological parents and siblings . I am still very happy I could do this. I wish I could of learned more about my real mother though. But that was ok , just seeing her was amazing, and spending the time with my real father is priceless.

He died a few years ago. I took care of the death. The most difficult thing i have ever done in my life . I wish I had more time with him. . Everytime I saw him I saw a part of me, just like my mother, and siblings. Knowing that their was a connection, a bond that still could be felt is powerful.

mscat

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