Quest for my normal

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Hotspot

I am glad you are moving forward with your new boy. And as I said before I think this is a great diversion for yourself. You helping him and being put in the role of taking care has not overwhelmed you but has thrusted you into your own "exposure therapy" Google it....

I think the basis of any of these forums, group therapy etc has it's own dynamics for allowing the client or patient to hear, understand and have something to offer to another. That in of itself is "therapy".

I think being able to get out with your family and bulid a bear is good for the soul Hotspot. Have fun and enjoy being a kid again...

I wish I could go and tag along...

It's funny around here my family knows I love monkeys. So anything I see especially an animated monkey just makes even more of a goof ball around here.

I guess the child in me has never left and it was just yesterday I saw 2 monkeys that laugh and roll around the floor so me being the responsible adult, I ordered them from QVC a TV shopping network.

I can't wait to see my families faces when I open them up on Christmas :D

[shanrucas]

Hotspot, sounds like you are really making headway with this boy. I have to say sounds like found a gem of a counselor. I am glad it seems you are doing well and finding that inner child...I have a great relationship with my inner child:D.

Yes that guy did come over, he is nice and says he just wants to hang out with me..I was upfront with him about me being under extreme stress and not ready to dive into a relationship..he oppsite of the type I am normally attracted to, maybe thats a good thing though, but Im just not feeling any attraction to him...maybe its the situation I am in and I am so exhausted taking caring of mom and searching for that balance in my life:confused:

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon, Just so you know, I added you to the private group on FB I was telling you about...

So what did this guy say or do after you told him about your life ?

Ok so really do we really know what types of men we are attracted to??? LOL

[shanrucas]

Hi Linda,,thanks for adding me to that group.

When I told this guy about my situation, he said thats ok, he just wants to hangout with me. Says he doesn't do much with his friends cause they are all married and have families. So I don't know exactly what he expects at this time. Its hard sometimes with mom to have people just come and "hangout", Im just not use to it and it stresses me about because I feel I must entertain them like a hostess should, and I rarely feel up to it. When mom is quiet and comfortable I take advantage and nap when I can which lately is rare.

I haven't been able to fully absorb the web sites you and hotspot have provided. My consentration is at its worst.

I hope you are having a nice day. I have actually got a chance to curl up under blankets with my dogs and take nap this morning.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Shannon glad you chilled out with your dogs :-))

I totally understand what you mean. I too feel the same when someone pops over and I have to tend to Peter and me when I'm not feeling well and feel like a hostess. I get it....

Does this guy understand what you meant? If he didn't give you any opinion either way it could be he is socially off and doesn't get it or he is understanding of it and really just wants to hang out with a nice person. It could be something as simple as that but I understand even if he calls to get together, there really is no time...

Maybe then you can make arrangements to call him when you go to the barn and keep your relationship limited to there or for a quick cup of coffee on your way to and from somewhere...

Don't overwhelm yourself with this. You need to stay focused and slowly figure out this new relationship... Good luck either way and if it works out great if not oh well... :-))

[shanrucas]

Someone pointed out that one of my issues with this guy is that he comes over to my house and I am not comfortable with that. He isn't dangerous or anything nor do I get that vibe. But my home is my safe place and Im not comfortable with strangers in it. Brings back stuff I thought I had layed to rest, and it makes me feel anxious.

He just called again, but I didn't pick up so he left a message. I think I will do as you suggested and limit his visits to neutral ground. If he understands that good, if not, well then he needs to move on. Thats not to rough is it?

I hope you had a good day Linda

Shannon

PS..I hope you had a good day too Hotspot, brodman and everyone else out there.

[brodman]

I did have nice day. I went to visit a friend in the hospital that beat me playing chess 3 times I beat him playing grand theft auto 5 times and filled him up with junk food some of hed never had before. Then I took my dog for a drive to a new dog park that opened. Him and I went to dinner at a old ladies house she cooks real good. soup salad roast beef red garlic potatos green beans mini rolls real apple pie with ice cream. helped with dishes left with food enough for 3 days. Got home we both took a nap. Dont have to work tomorrow gonna watch movies all night have popcorn with my dog.

[shanrucas]

I happy that you had a nice day brodman..sounds like you had a wonderful time. You made me hungry with all the talk about food, have to hit the kitchen. I spent the day with my dogs, we curled up on the couch and kept cozy, we had a wonderful stormy day. Im glad you popped in.

[brodman]

what kind of dogs do you have? I think dogs are the best napping buddies to have around.

hotspot did you go to build the bear? i've seen those build a bear workshop stores they look like fun. You can get away with going havin kids and all don't think I could go without being looked at weird. curious how you found a counselor that isn't a tool too maybe you wrote it here already can't read 20 pages now can you give cliff notes version?

do all you here have shrinks? I met my friends shrink yesterday he wasn't the typical subhuman jackhole I've come to know them as. It must be rare to find ones that act like helpful people without only wantin your money or to tell you get on drugs. I wonder though even if a ok one is found once in a while if its still worth it seems like they could never really be trusted. Got lots to do today see ya

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Brodman

Glad to see you back...

I do have a Psychiatrist and a really knowledgable and most of all kind and understanding.

And I am sharing this next info only because of your fear of them only wanting money but my Pdoc (psychiatrist) doesn't see patients as outpatients, he is the medical director at the private psych hospital I go to and he basically took me under his wing, sees me once a week, makes himself available to me immediately by email, text and cell phone and the most unusual and unheard of part of this is, he doesn't charge me.

Am I lucky, yes sir, yes in deed... In fact I don't think I would be alive if it wasn't for him or I would be lost in the system locked up in a state hospital. There is no way to explain the gratefullnes I feel when it comes to our unique relationship.

This is what is missing in this world of Psychiatry and mental illness. Dr's who can really help the unique needs, the unique personalities and the unique situations we sometimes can get ourselves into. Not all psychailtric patients fit a cookie cutter mold and bless all of those professionals who can manevure around the system and seek the best possible treatment for the patients...

So no, they are not all in it for the money, not all anyway. Yes as with anything, I'm sure you will find a holes anywhere.... But times like this is when you need to find the right feel for the professional realtionship we need.

I recently switched therapists and not because the first one was bad, I just felt I needed a different method and a new level of knowlege of the away she led the sessions. So I found a trauma specialist and it has been the best change I could have made.

And I can say that because I know and see that there is hope, progress and a feeling like somone is extremely knowlegable in more then the usual psycho mumbo jumbo. The new therapist has taken me to a different place of expertise that I needed to go to and something must be working because I am breaking my record for the time I usually end up back in the hospital...

I hope this helps a little Brodman so yes there is hope.....

[shanrucas]

Hi brodman, yes I have a pdoc too. Since I was layed off of my job he has really worked with me as far as cost goes, I am lucky with that and I feel comfortable with him, he often calls to check on me to see how I am doing. I use to have a different one when I was younger, all he wanted to do is over medicate me and send me on my way.

I love dogs, presently I have 2 Parson Russells, (same thing as a jack russell but longer legs) and a Cairn Terrier. The Russells names are Richard and Ringo and Zach is the Cairn. One of them was a rescue. What kind of dog do you have?

Hotspot...that build a bear thing sounds like a blast, I wish we had something here like that.

Linda, I hope you are having a good day. you always have such good information.

[Lindamomof7]

Thanks Shannon

I have a chocolate lab and she is a sweet heart.

My cats though are the ones that cuddle with me on the couch...

I went for my blood work at my Dr's office. She has a combo walk in/appt schedule and today it was only her there with about 10 people in front of me meaning a 2 hour wait and my son was waiting for me because he drove me....

But since I was just getting blood drawn for my coumadin usually they take me back immedately but since this was a request of the hospital to get checked today, there was no paperwork for me so I lost about an hour hanging around and of course I fell asleep in the waiting room so by the time I checked in to see what the problem was they had to then wait for the Dr to get the paperwork for blood request.

Oh boy it was just a screwed up day.... So I have to go back tomorrow to see her as walk in because her appts are backed up for a couple of weeks. And I am still having pains especially in my head and its not a headache....

Anyway once she realizes I was there and waiting I know she will be pissed. Usually I am the "special" patient and they take care of me because of my "mental" status which as we all know can be quite scary especially when I refuse to take coumadin depending on my death wish time of cycling, and since she insists I am not the usual presenting patient of life threatening stuff I get treated asap....

So yes I guess I am special:D

Off to therapist tonight, this is an appt with my hubby where the other 2 are only for me...

And last night Peter wanted to take his hot chocolate in the family room and I said no well he threw a basket and in it was an antique bowl that was from my Grandmother and it broke. I just cried and then they had to hold me back because I wanted to really hurt him. It was my only family treasure that was my grandmothers, I was soooo upset. I think I just fell to the floor and just layed there for at least 15 minutes. Couldn't talk, move nothing I dont know what that was maybe it was an dissociative episode, don't know.

But it was clear Peter just did not get it. He wanted to go on Ebay and buy me a new one and he felt his hot chocolate was more important then a treasured antique from my grandmother.

I guess it is apparant how much he just doesn't get.... that too is sad....

[shanrucas]

Oh man Linda, sounds like a rough and busy time you had, but you are special for other reasons too, not just medically. Then to come home and have the experience of loosing such a treasure, I know it would of sent me over the edge too.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Shannon

[brodman]

that sucks your kid broke your old bowl like that like you said though he didnt get it think saw here you told hotspot he is disabled not like it brings you the bowl back he just dont understand value of treasured item insted of his hot chocolate in some way think he felt bad otherwise he wouldnt have wanted to buy another on ebay I know it cant be done he thought it could would make you feel better seriously dont know how you deal with 7 kids I dont want any

guess its good yous found shrinks that aren't tools still think its rare

Cairn Terriers look like sandy colored westies almost Russels are smart cute and spunky. Labs are smart and good dogs for families. What about you hotspot?

I have a Harlequin Great Dane named Domino got him from a dane rescue. He is now 32 inches tall 184 pounds acts like a toddler thinks he is a lap dog. His favorite pasttimes are romping around the backyard goin for drives playing fetch and takin long naps. Lots of people are frightened of him because he is so big kids like to try and ride him he dont bark lots but when he does if you arent use to it can make your arm hair stand up. very very hearty bark he likes long showers anything with water really he doesnt like his nails trimmed but loves getting his teeth brushed with peanut butter toothpaste started using the bissel pet vaccum attachment on him which he loves hes workin on getting his canine good citzen certificate I take him sometimes to work with me the old people like petting him he goes around getting petted by them all a few tried using him as a ottoman Yeah I LOVE Domino more than anything or anyone in this world

So did you build the bear hotspot? shanrucas youd go build a bear by yourself if you could? those stores are nice went in one to check it out they have baskets of acesories and all kind of clothing for the bears someone today told me you can buy them online dont think you get to put together yourself not really buildin bear than more like buying bear

[shanrucas]

brodman,, your dog sounds awesome, I think one of my horses saddles may fit him. I get what you mean about loving your dog so much..Im the same way about mine and my horses as well, I don't have kids so they are my family. I use to have dobermans growing up, so the terriers were quite a switch.

Im use to taking mine on 2 mile hikes up on the trails in the summer..but now we are all pretty much homebound, at least they like to cuddle and I love to watch them play.

[Hotspot]

Shannon, I think it would be good for you to be friends with this new guy. If he understands your energy and time is highly limited as well as only looking for a friend himself what's to lose? Everyone needs to have friends, support. Keep it at your pace don't close the prospect down so, fast.

Linda, what a yuck of a day and evening before. I can understand the heartbreak of losing such a treasured item.

Brodman, I believe the ladies explained their experience of counselors shrinks. Like them I think there are good and bad in every profession. My wife was able to locate mine. She started by looking into ones that deal with my problems. I know she made several calls and chatted with a number of them before choosing the first one I met with. He was OK but not the right fit for me. I kind of lucked out having this second one being more of a proper fit. Do you have a diagnosis? Looking into one which works mostly with what you are troubled with makes more sense to me than one that works with a little of everything. Like anything however, if one doesn't feel right move on. They get paid because it is a service. If they do not meet your needs or expectations hire a different one.

I had a bad toothache several years ago while my usual dentist was away on vacation. I made an appointment with another one. I did not like his personality or professionalism. He could have perhaps been a great dentist technically although his personality was enough of a turn off to not try him out. I went to another one instead. Granted I was not looking for a new friend, personality does factor into comfort level. This was a service and I went with what suited me.

Anyway, my family has many animals. We have 2 dogs. A yellow lab and a white German shepherd. Planning on getting a third dog from a rescue group. We are holding off doing this until the Summer now that we have a new addition. Domino sounds like he has an awesome life with you. Did you choose his name? I'm pleased you rescued him instead of purchasing.

I did go to the build a bear place. It wasn't anything of what I anticipated it to be. Everything was fun and easily done. It is set up like a production line of choices and steps. Choosing the bear skin or other animal and then watching him get stuffed, closed up. Then it was off to get him dressed up. My new kid enjoyed picking out his outfits 1 sporty one and 1 pair of pajamas. I decided to make my wife a bear as a surprise for Christmas. They have everything from clothing, underwear, shoes and sandals to select. Then there are the accessories you mentioned eyeglasses, head bands, jewelry, MP3 players, sports equipment.

I made my wife a female bear complete with pretty dress, ribbon around ear supposed to be a bow and shoes to go with the dress. We left with our bears in boxes with breathing holes. The most difficult part was naming the bears for their birth certificates. Trying to find a place to hide my wife's wasn't easy either.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon, Brodman and Hotspot,

Yeah I have been to Build A Bear as well. I think any age would have a fun time there being able to be a kid again. Oh wait isn't that Toys R Us motto ? :-))

One year my kids made a Mom bear. included was a taxi cab hat, cell phone, purse and a list of to do items. It is cute. I have a dresser set aside for all of the things the kids made me at school and that sits right there with them. Next to my Monkeys of course

Jay (my husband) and I went to my therapist last night we are allowing 1 of my 3 visits with her as a couples time. It was good, I didn't realize how sensitive and emotional my husband has been about all of this. He has been holding this in a long time about fearing for me and of course our family. His hopes right now are to make sure I make it through Christmas especially for the kids.

So him allowing her to help is a big step for him i hope his fears of sonoe professional not being able to help has gone because we have been through this before. And Brodman this is exactly why you have to interview on the phone and seek out who is right for you as far as expertise and personality.

And of course he cried when we talked about Peter and ok we know he isn't capable of understandng the concept of the value of my antique bowl but I went into a dissociative episode on the floor and I guess I scared everyone and Jay was upset and Peter didn't know how to process why Dad was crying. So there are many levels of this that bombarded him that night and this is exactly why the sand play therapy would be good for him. I can't wait to get him doing that come the new year.

Ok off to go to therapist again and a Dr's appt. Hopefully I will have a few more answers from my blood work...

Hope everyone has a good day....

[shanrucas]

Hi Linda, How wonderful that your husband got to "unload" not to mention the willingness to participate in therapy..what a gem you have there. You have so much riding on your shoulders and still you find the energy to keep caring for yourself the best you can. Keep your chin up, you've gotten this far.

I can't believe Christmas in so close, where do the time go. A friend of mine may come over after work to spend Christmas day with mom and me, that will be nice, maybe we will watch a Christmas movie or play a game.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Thanks Shannon, I'm running a little on adrenaline now. been going since 7:30 am.

No physical pains, have some energy. It's nice riding a little "high"...

Dr wants to higher my coumadin so I don't dip down unexpectantly as I have been doing which then creates the symptons and a window for a clot to form and travel....

Thats great you have plans for Christmas. Only you know what your needs and limits are and I am glad you know where the boundaries are for each. It is that inner protection that keeps you strong and moving day to day... That is awesome....

Yes I have been told by many I have a very wonderful husband and we have a unique marraige of "love" and "commitment" and it was nice hearing from a "professional" in trauma and families and how highly she thought of Jay in his love and commitment to me and family even after all of that we have both been through individually and as a couple...

Both of us are a very commited moral type of people and I guess sometimes its nice to hear that we are doing something right and to feel we are beating the odds of divorce and dysfunction...

It has been a tough ride these last 5 years. I hate that I have caused all of this chaos in my family and in my head but I already beat myself up over it years ago and I guess I am accepting it is what it is. And the only way to move forward is to find some inner peace as much as I can and grab hold of it and fight. I don't always win the fights but I think I am winning the war...

:-))

[shanrucas]

Linda

Its so great to hear that you are having a good day, you deserve it. I am so impressed with your fight to win the war, well said. You are so perceptive to look at it that way, meaning that we may loose the battle but winning the war.

Also good to hear that dr is trying to stay ahead of the blood clot issue

Have a wonderful evening with the family

Shannon

[brodman]

Hey people

shanrucas you even have horses thats cool have wanted to ride one for long time

linda that sucks you have to deal with bein sick all the time add in all the kids you should get medal or somethin

hotspot I don't have a diagnosis you said you aren't bipolar what do you have? Shrinks bein a service makes sense kind of different than buying furniture or havin teeth fixed. I have problems dealin with anger I tried one of those anger managment classes not real helpful I met with a shrink all she did was repeat anything I said I went twice she worked with a psychiatrist met him wasnt in the office 5 minutes and I mean 5 minutes and he was all ready to start writin scripts for drugs when I asked what they were for why he thought theyd be helpful he seemed annoyed Id be askin told him where he could put his scripts never went back my new friend Jedidiah i met here has a ok shrink he gave me name of shrink he said I might find helpful haven't called yet

think after the holidays I might go to the build a bear store to make myself a bear yous got me more interested in it hotspot your wife is probably gonna love her girl bear did you get her other presents for christmas? what about the kids whats the big have to have present this year? I have a lot of action figures don't play with them they are for collection I got a few friends gift cards easier that way they can get what they want tryin to figure out what to get this nice old lady the one that makes the good food Old people have allmost everything already they are not easy to buy for I was thinkin maybe would take her out to dinner she don't get out much shes always talkin about this resturant she misses goin to I dont know might be weird takin her to a resturant

I got myself 2 big gifts this year didn't want to go too overboard tryin to save for 2 very large things for springtime. I got myself this nice massage lounge chair already enjoyin it I had been tryin to figure out what to do with my diningroom which had been empty since I moved in I dont need a diningroom I eat at the kitchen counter or in the livingroom decided to get myself what I've really been wanting got a pool table it fits nicely Ill use it way more than a table with chairs waitin for the electrician to install the over table light

[Lindamomof7]

I will join in the build a bear trip. Maybe that is where we are suppose to go for our virtual trip. As long as there is hot chocolate somewhere along the way, I am ready to go...

Did someone say POOL??? Ok who is up for an ass kickin game? I'm ready whenever. And ok I'm letting my age show here but I am the PINBALL QUEEN!!! haha Who is up for a challenge :-))

As for today, I started to clean but think my high is getting lower because I am really dragging and have ended up on the couch more then I am cleaning. Very tired and emotional today. Maybe thinking of playing pool and pinball will help...

Hope everyone is good :-))

[shanrucas]

Hi everyone, I love it that everyone is building a bear, I wish we had something like that around here, we don't even have a decent toy store.

brodman, now I am envious, a massage chair sounds so wonderful right now. Especially after working horses and cleaning stalls. What I would really like to have is a hot tub.

Hey Pinball Queen, Im glad you had some energy, maybe taking a rest on the couch isn't such a bad idea...hopefully its just your body telling to take a break.

I had a busy morning out at the stables, that guy, his name is Russell, came out there to hang out. Says he wants to learn about horses, so I showed him some things, I did show off a bit, hehe..showed him how I can ride without the benefit of saddle and bridle. Im still not sure how I feel about him hanging around so much. Im trying my best to keep an open mind.

I hope everyone is having a good day. The sun is shining out here.

Shannnon

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon

glad you had some good time at the stables. I'm sure it is very therapeutic. There have been alot fo people I have met or know that ride horses. Maybe thats a sign that I should try it. I have 6 acres and our area is horse country. So maybe someone is trying to tell me something??

I missed the massage chair when I read the post. Not surprised I have been re reading some of my medical reports and I have had this definate memory/processing/recall issues problems since the early 90's.

Hmm interesting about the massage chair, I hate anything like that. But give me a basketball or go to the batting cages and I'm all good....

Even the relaxation techniques I can't do. Would love to know the reasons behind those issues...:confused:

[shanrucas]

Linda, I certainly understand the reading and processing thing..sometimes it takes me forever to post something.

Horses are very theraputic, although it may not be for everyone but they do use horses to work with the disabled. Even if you don't ever ride, just to be with the horse is so relaxing, sometimes I just hang out with them, I love to watch them in the pasture and on a rainy day I like to brush them in their stall and listen to them munching on their hay, its so soothing.

So Linda..are there any other sports you like to play? All I did in high school was a little track and field. Im not so good at baseball, love basketball though..and volley ball.