feeling sad and I need some advice

[Lie_low]

Thanks finding my way. You know its funny but my therapist has said the same thing to me, lol. I’m having a hard time because I’m supposed to work on being more open with other people, but when I share anything remotely personal (definitely not my self-injury because I can’t talk about that with anyone) I feel so embarrassed that I want to hurt myself or drink to get rid of the feeling. I don’t know. I guess that kind of a thing takes time to work on. Maybe it will become easier in the future. I sure hope so because otherwise I can’t see a way out of this mess.

Edited April 6, 2009 by Lie_low

[mscat]

Gosh, Lie Low

I re read your posts and a lot of what you write clicks... I say in my mind~ Damn > " I could have wrote that" There has not been many , if ever who Iv'e related that well to when it comes to SI .

my son has been on spring break this whole week. He goes back to school Tuesday. We have been butting heads. He throws tantrums every times he can't get his way. He has a form of autism with cognitive delays. He is going on 16 yrs old. The odd thing is that when young he was not temper tantrum thrower... Now he is becomming a brat, and he he bigger than me, stronger too. Louder, and more obnoxious. He goes off over the slightest thing... when he really wants to hurt me, he calls me crazy... I have no idea where he got that from. He does not know how painfuil that is to hear from my own child.

I've have had serious urges to SI , and can't wait to do so.. Actually i am looking forward to the relief SI brings. I need to finish off the arm where the SI was started before... That part is getting healed , so anther part needs to be accomplished. That arm has been Sie'd nummerous times , so many countless times, who knows how many for certain. Actually the SI of these particualr burns stay there for weeks , and it is ok. Even though of course it is covered it hurts , I will not go into detail, I'll just write that I can do this form of SI as much as I want to all over the place ... And thinking horrblie or not so horrible , on the face, left side of theface the whole side of the face exactly the same way too... Because there is this thing / the left side vrs the right Left meaning BAD> and the Right menaing Good It is a black and white thing One side is ok the other is not. I always had these visual images of the body being taken by and ax /being split straight down the middle .. Well anyway.. Enough of the visual imagry. :eek:

[Lie_low]

Ask yourself these questions:

What am I feeling right now?

What would my self-injury accomplish (other than temporary relief from painful feelings)

What would I be trying to communicate with my self-injury?

Do you really want another injury, more time in the burn unit? Time away from the son that you care for? Not to mention the impact it could have on you physically. This is coming from someone who understands and cares for your well being. I am not trying to be judgmental or harsh, I believe that you can make the better choice, and it does not involve self-injury. Remember the alternatives that we talked about? Now is the opportunity to use them.

[Lie_low]

I really hope my words were not taken the wrong way, MSCAT. I just really want you to get better and leave self-injury behind you. Stopping involves taking a look at the thoughts and emotions behind it, rather than focusing on the urge to hurt yourself. So rather than saying, “I feel like hurting myself right now” ask yourself “what is so overwhelming to me that I want to hurt myself in order to make it go away?” Maybe you are feeling helpless, angry, or overwhelmed? Focusing on the act of self-injury itself will not help you. And believe me; I know that is difficult, much of the time I have trouble knowing what I am feeling. Try using alternatives that may relieve some of the tension that you are feeling. It’s not the easy way out, like self-injury, but it will be the only way of putting this behind you and moving forward.

[mscat]

Lie Low, your words are not taken the wrong way at all... I know your trying to help me, and I certainly apreciate all of your kindness . What I am afraid of is when I SI ... Is that Your going to ... Well be pretty pissed after everything you have told me.. i'd like to let u know how come it is so difficult not to SI for Cathy: Because simply or oddly, it "feels so good to" Here's hoping this does not seem so twisted to u, from a Si'er yourself? It helps greatly, and it is so easy to accomplish , to me it is very very easy , just as putting on your shoes and socks. The burning sensation, when done correctly, will last for some time, which I seem to need that, it is undoubtly hard to explain, however, I than focus on nothing but the pain once it hits.. This is all I feel, and it feels good to feel it. I tell myself as long as I am not landing in the Critical unit it is ok to burn... At least this is not as severe as other times, than it is ok, becasue these times of self harm are rituals not the times where the SI is out of control and chemicals are being used.

I do understand what you have written and the distractions, and the ways where I could and should talk myself out of self harming... I have done these methods before. However, what happens, is that a lot of times this only prolongs the SI and it is only building up for more and more bigger SI , for anther time... The just wait , and waiting makes it intensify for me, getting stronger and stronger until it seems like it is going to explode like a baloon.

In all honesty I do not know when this self harm will stop yet. DBT is looking better and better by the day. Because when stressed the thoughts of self harming become even more hideous of what I ought to do. Yes it is a good idea DBT.

Thank You so much for all your support.

[Lie_low]

I’m glad to hear from you. I was afraid that I had said something wrong or offended you. Actually writing to you helped to keep me from self-injuring, because I felt like I needed to follow my own advice, lol. You mentioned that the distractions only prolong the urge to si. We need to learn new ways of coping with things so that we don’t act things out in self-destructive ways. This is something I’m still lacking. I struggle with staying in the present instead of getting bogged down by the mistakes of my past or my fears about the future. In that state of mind it is difficult to resist the urge to si, since another slip-up seems inevitable. One of the things I’m trying to learn is that urges will come and go, just like all other thoughts and feelings, and that I can be mindful of my feelings without being overwhelmed by them. An urge such as the urge to si is a signal that there is something in your life that needs attention. When we si we shut off the signal while never really addressing what is really going on.

[mscat]

Lie Low, How in the world did you become so smart? Your very intuitive. I wish I could write as well as you. As I read your posts, I shake my head in agreement. Thank you.

I have Sie'd this am.. And I'll shall be honest because it felt good. I hardly feel it. it's odd. It's a relief to SI, and I need it so badly at times. I have been discussing very serious issues in therapy the last two weeks every wed. morning. Last Wed. I did not feel better talking about the rape, this time, it was a relief talking about previous incidences so the therapist understood could have an idea just how much went on ~ growing up. The abuse, trauma since very , very young. It had to be told, he even said it was horrible. I am not even through telling him .. The SI was not from that though. It was from all the crap that needed to be let out from dealing with my special needs teenaged son for 10 days... Spring break. He's having tantrums , demanding, pounds on walls, runs off, and is bigger than I. Every little thing sets him off. When he does not get what he wants, he acts out, and takes it out all on me, name calls too. I am looking into Respite care right now. And I am going to have him go back into therapy too.

I've also had horrid thoughts of severe SI and what I ought to do. I have talked to the therapist about this. He understands fully, and now knows exactly why and where the SI is coming from. It is nice to have somebody know what has happened and everything, and be validated, However, now i am scared that one day I won't have him anymore to talk to. I run the risk of losing him. After trusting him with all of my crap.. He just knows that the SI is used as a reason to cope. Not a good way to cope , but it is to cope. He did tell me I need to cut off all ties with the "family" The family who raised me that is... The last SI is healing fairly well, and is halfway there, now the new burns are all blistered up , it's where i've si'ed so many times before... I just keep doing it over scars.. I'll wrap it up as soon as the blisters go down.

[butterfly29]

Hi.....

It is hard. I know all too well. I used to do SI a lot. Arms and legs. Now I am getting tattoos to cover up the scares because of all the stares and questions from people including strangers. It's embarrassing.

Have you been in Psycotherapy before? If it weren't for my T I would have never stopped SI. I owe him so much for all he has done for me.

My children were young when I did SI and I thought they didn't really know what was happening. I would tell them that Mommy had a boo boo. They are adults now and we talked one day about it and they knew exactly what was going on. Children are so smart and underestimated so often. I feel horrible that I put my children through such horror. For them is was horror seeing me all cut up.

Please if you haven't tried therapy, I urge you to go. Find out what is underneath the SI. Until you do and until you work on it, the SI will continue.

take care....

Butterfly

[finding my way]

Lie_low, how are you these days?

[Lie_low]

Hi finding my way. I know I have been pretty quiet lately. I seem to have been hit with a wave of sorrow. I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I’m still in therapy and trying my best to make changes and get better. I have been completely sober for a little over three weeks and I’m eating normally. Just trying to make my way out of the binge/starve cycle that I was in before. Using mindfulness meditation really helped me to get a handle on those two things. I’m still struggling with the self-injury. I just hope that eventually I will be able to leave it behind me.

[malign]

Hey Lie_low,

Good to hear you're still around. So what do you do when you get hit by a wave? -- Duck your head and let it pass over you. We're here if it helps to say something. I'm glad you're making some progress.

[Lie_low]

Thanks malign. I guess the wave does sound kind of silly. I know I will have my ups and downs. It comes with the territory. I am learning that part of getting better means that I have to work on tolerating painful emotions without feeling the need to act on them. In the past I did everything I could (mostly drinking and self-injury) to make those feelings go away. I can see that it was only a temporary fix that has left me with many scars. What I am doing now is much more difficult. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that it doesn’t seem worth it. I have trouble believing that I will be able to overcome these problems. I know I am making some progress, but I feel so stuck sometimes. I’m not giving up though.

[malign]

Nah, the wave doesn't sound silly at all. I know exactly what you mean. I just thought that extending the metaphor a tiny bit might help you through. I didn't mean to minimize it.

I think you're doing a great thing, something I'm not sure I'm doing: learning a new way to deal with stuff.

So, if there ever is a danger of giving up, you know where to find us.

[finding my way]

Hi Lie_low! Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. The work you are in the midst of is so very important. I'm sorry it hurts so much. This time it is not permanent though. It is not a cycle that just repeats. You are going through the painful step by step process of growing neuron by neuron, tiny bit by tiny bit of a new path, and pruning away some of the old pathways. It will never be entirely in your control, but if you keep going, it will be a path that can hold your weight and see you through good enough. Sometimes it is even profound. We are here for you.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Lie_low,

I am pleased that you are pushing ahead with therapy. No, it is not easy, especially when we hit those painful places. I want to assure you that therapy is not all painful. There are even times when it is fun, happy, etc. You know, its real life, yet, it takes place in an office.

Allan

[Lie_low]

Thanks malign, finding my way and Allan. Allan, it’s not really the therapy sessions that are painful. For the most part those are focused on the present and me learning to cope more effectively. And it really helps to have someone to support and encourage me in making these changes. It is the work outside of therapy (my everyday life basically) that is difficult. Until recently my self-destructive behaviors, coping mechanisms—whatever you want to call them, had pretty much taken over my life. Now that I’m relying on them less I have this empty space that I don’t know what to do with.

[Lie_low]

So it has been 19 without si. I’m feeling about as down as it gets. I feel as though I could cry but the tears never come. All that I am left with is this aching feeling that won’t go away. I know that if I hurt myself I could put a stop to it, but I don’t want to fall back into the same pattern. Just looking for some encouragement I guess.

[SweetSue]

Hi Lie low

Im so sorry that your feeling so awlfil at the moment,Have you tried any distraction techniques, i know it may not help you greatly but maybe it will take your mind off things for a while.

If its of any consolation, i think your doing a great job of fighting your urges of si. Try not to give up all your hard work, it gives the rest of us hope that we can fight it.

Sorry i know ive realy been much help just wanted you to know that your not on your own.

Take care

Jj

[Lie_low]

thanks. I am really struggling right now and it helps just to know that someone took the time to reply.

[finding my way]

Lie_low, I'm so sorry you are hurting . Can you tell us what is bothering you today? I know that being alone with yourself when you are in so much pain can really seal a person in.... even when we choose being alone, isn't it more because those around us just aren't able to understand or help? Or that's how it can feel anyway. Help us understand what you are feeling. We are listening. Maybe telling us will help you tell someone else someday?

[Lie_low]

Thanks finding my way. I don’t understand why I am feeling so bad. Sometimes I just hate my body and myself so much and I want to hurt it, to give it what it deserves for never being good enough. I’m sure that sounds really stupid and maybe messed up. Sometimes I feel like a lost cause. I just wonder how long I can keep on doing this (not self-injuring). It’s true that I only have a couple of people that I can talk to about the things that really bother me. (It used to be none so maybe I’m making some progress) it is just so hard.

[finding my way]

Ohhh, that's a very solid reason to be feeling bad Lie_low. It hurts to be hated........

Can you reach compassion ever for the part of you that is so hated?

Somewhere along the way you started thinking you were the enemy..... it is so hard, I know...... so hard to switch that around....

[Lie_low]

Thanks finding my way. It is just that I make the same mistakes over and over again. I get so mad at myself. So frustrated. It’s hard to find compassion. Yes my therapist has brought up being kinder to myself. It seems like I don’t know how. I feel so stuck.

[finding my way]

Can you accept our compassion for you while you are learning? Somehow it became so difficult to feel love for you just as you are. Often we can do that for others but not for ourselves. Somehow it is not OK for you to just be you in your mind. WELL, I want to live in a world, where being me is OK.... and in my world, it is OK for you to be you. Nope, we are not perfect. Can you see how others make mistakes over and over? Aren't they loveable anyway? Especially if they can still feel their heart, even though times are tough....

[mscat]

Thanks finding my way. I don’t understand why I am feeling so bad. Sometimes I just hate my body and myself so much and I want to hurt it, to give it what it deserves for never being good enough. I’m sure that sounds really stupid and maybe messed up. Sometimes I feel like a lost cause. I just wonder how long I can keep on doing this (not self-injuring). It’s true that I only have a couple of people that I can talk to about the things that really bother me. (It used to be none so maybe I’m making some progress) it is just so hard.

Lie Low , what you have written here, I have felt so many , many times myself . you are strong for not self injuring for a long time, good job! It is not easy at all fighting off the urges when hurting so badly.

Self hate is to me, a huge trigger, I understand so well this constant battle within. "never being good enough" Taking out on myself , punishing the bad part for screwing up.

i've done severe self harm several times regarding this , trying to get rid of the badness , and being numbed out so much not to even be able to feel anymore . Then just to be able to feel , feel something, is pain. Pain is a wake , Cathy.

I've blacked parts of my body to get rid of the bad , evil parts of myself. Causing severe burns , just to get rid of the badness> not advocating this measure AT ALL. Just sharing with you my personal experiences with not being good enough , connected to myself, or body. Trying to cleanse out the badness, the wrong way .

I am sharing this with you , soyou may know you are not alone. Not alone in the struggles of the fight to understand that we are ok just who we are.

I am not one to give advice in this matter of si, becasue I struggle with it too, just know that I feel for you,and understand. It is not stupid , or messed up. These are your feelings, and thoughts. Nothing is stupid from feeling the way you do.

cathy