Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Way .....way beyond depressed


Recommended Posts

Do you ever think, realy think in your heart of hearts, whats the point ?.

Do you ever wish time would just stop , back off, and just leave you the hell alone ?

Do you ever feel like you just cant go on , like you cant take any more crap ?

Do tou ever hope that the pain would just stop ?

Do you ever need to stop feeling like your dead inside ?

Coz i do, constantly, and well ive had enough.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really feel for you Jessica, because I have had all those thoughts and more.

Do you feel that any medication that you may be taking is adequate?

It is very important to tell the team looking after you that you are feeling this way.

Please take care, you have been a great support to others here, maybe you too can find the support you need, you are among friends.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

ManyFaces, totaly understand where your coming from, hope all works out for you.

mabear, i am currently in hospital thanks for the advice and careing though,

JT, thanks for the encouragement,

Goose, hi hun thankyou for your kind words.

the people careing for me here , understand to a certain degree how i feel. but i am one of those people who find it impossible to express myself when face to face with someone, and it realy dosnt help with the fact that for the past few days ive lost my voice completely.

the staff here are trying to find the right levels of meds to try and balance me out, so i guess its just a waiting game,

i just feell that everything is caving in on me, and i realy dont think ive got the strength/ energy or willpower to keep fighting,

i want to scream, just scream, myself out of it all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm here sitting with you, JessicaJane. I'm sorry you're so sad. If you can't express yourself verbally, would your doctors allow you to write out your feelings? Life can be so overwhelming at times. I've only been through a minor bout of "mini-depression", so I'm not certain I can totally understand what you're going through right now, but know that I hear you.

Sometimes today might seem impossible, but maybe tomorrow will be a little brighter if you can find a little bit of hope. Is there anything you still take pleasure in? Music? Reading? Try to think of beautiful things...your child's smile...the sound of their laughter...the purity of their spirit...the brightness in their eyes...a sunset...the sound of the ocean...the potential love inside you, maybe yet to be fully realized...what tomorrow might bring if you begin to feel better. Life is a long journey and the path may be very dark for you today, but maybe next week or next month you might see a glimmer of light along the way. I know that all of this is easier said than done... I hope your tomorrow is brighter and that you find the strength inside yourself to know that you can face it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well here i am again, slowly sinking deeper and deeper. Too much grief, too much thinking, too much heartache, too much pain, too much silence, everything is just too much, and i find myself fighting this loosing battle, strugling with every breath, trying just to keep hold.

Missing my children, so much , the agony of not knowing, not knowing if they are safe, what there doing,, where they are, if there ok, if they even remember me. The endless questions that will never be answered.

The guilt of not being able to get better, not being able to stabalise myself, of still being in this hospital, and not at home trying to fight to get my kids back.

Then theres my court case later this morning, god im going to make a right idiot of myself, going to be stood in the witness stand, like a lemon, having questions fired at me left right and center, and what can i do, nothing, except stand there and try and fight back the tears, whilst everyone stares at me waiting for a reply, that i know in my heart of hearts will never come. coz i have no courage, no strength left to defend myself, all i have left is my silence.

And now, im laid here on the cold floor of my room, silently waiting for daylight to hurry up and arrive, just so the darkness leaves me be, coz well nights are worse than days, nights bring with them different fears of there own. Hopeing i have the energy to breath for just that little bit longer till the sun wakes up.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

its early morning now and the sun has been awake for about an hour, im a nervous wreck, got court in like 2 hours time. im drugged up to the eyeballs just so that im more or less remaining on this planet. frightened realy more than anything, i dont know ive been in such a lowper mood for ages now, and everything seems to be getting worse, not better. still cant talk, im not sure if thats going to do me any favours at court. probably not. im just all over the place. wish things would just go away, so that i can hide. probably dosnt make any sense , sorry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

it makes perfect sense to me!

im in the same place right now and can really feel for you, you must be terrified of the courts i know i was,but they should go fairly easy on you because of your health..my solicitor told me and she was right that the other parties always do because it doesnt do them any favours by upsetting a 'vulnerable witness/defendant' and the judges dont take it too well if they try.

yes it's going to be hard and it's going to be very stressful,i hope whatever the outcome that you can put it behind you to some degree and concentrate on yourself...just get today over with then concentrate on tomorrow and the day after and the day after... im probably not making much sense now!

i know how it feels to have your children taken away and all the hurt that comes with it but your children will remember you, they never ever forget a mothers love and their mum is always the most important person in their lives, you saw them last weekend didnt you? i bet they remembered you then! and whatever happens they will always be your children try to think of all the good things about them and the happy things i know it wont take any pain away but it will give you some light.

if you're able or allowed to maybe you could draw them a picture or a story about something happy and good that you've all done together? chldren love things like that it makes them feel even more special and it gives them something to hold on to as well a constant reminder of how much mummy loves them and how happy they make you.

i hope i havnt said anything to upset you or make you feel worse, im just trying to say that you will always have your children you are in their hearts and mind and they are very lucky to have such a special loving mummy.

good luck today,be as brave as you can and hang in there(i know thats easy to say) im sure we will all be thinking of you and cheering you on, and remember if you do clam up or break down nobody is going to think bad of you,and you shouldnt either.

Edited by Donna
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey there


My thoughts are with you as your going throught the court hearing , It id such bad timing to have to deal with this, on top of everything else that your going through. Soon , the hearing will be over with, it will be hehind u and u will be able to have closeure. Remember that you are nOT the one on trial here, ok! Just try to answer the questions as best as you can.

When you get back , please try and get some sleep. After such a stressful event, I have a feeling that your going to be exhausted.

I have to go to court very soon as well. On the 1rst of Oct. two days before my Birthday, wich sucks. And it is as a witness, to a domestic violence case. NOT looking forward to this. Hopefully the district attorney calls and lets us know that the idoit man , does not want to go to trial .

hope you are going to be ok, stay strong, hun.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

well another day finished with nearly, and hi to the darkness that comes with night.

very harsh day, told somethings about myself, that were realy hard to listen too, and cut deep, deeper than a knife ever could. i never thought myself in this way before, and listening it was asthough they were on about someone else, someone bad filled with evil.

i shoukd just be allowed to go to hell where i belong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

there a ton of reasons

because im an idiot.

because i wasnt strong enough to stop.....

because they used really long words i dont understand, not good ones though coz of how they spoke.

because what if there right

because what if that someone else they speak of is "me"

because of a thousand becauses

because if they are right, im the sick, lowest , dirtiest, scum on this realm.

because it hurts so much.....etc. etc.. etcetera

but mainly because they were so bloody convincing.

i dont know anymore, im confused, you know im the one in this p/hospital , i dont know which one of my worlds im in half the time. im the one thats screwed, and on meds, im the one with mood swings all over the gaff, im the one thats stuck in full on lowper, feeling sorry for myself, loaded with self pity and cant stop crying. who am i supposed to believe,..............................

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And he's the rapist, hon.

I'd much rather have you in a room with me than him, that's for sure, partly because I'd be facing charges of my own, most likely, if I were left alone with him.

So, believe me: his lawyers are full of shit. That's why they call them lawyers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

im sorry, wish i could see things differently , wish i knew how to, wish these voices would just shut the f*** up and leave me alone, its realy hard to ignore them when i actualy agree with what there saying. i hadnt told anyone on the site why i had court today malign. looks awlful wrote down, disgusting, why the fuck did i allow this shit to happen.. malign im going to pm you in a sec, so please do not comment just yet till you get pm ok.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not exactly sure what has happened to you, JJ, but if someone hurt you then you are NOT to blame. Lawyers are paid to twist things. Trust in yourself. I hope that when you close your eyes and feel your inner-self, you will be very gentle and caring with yourself. You deserve to be treated very gently and respectfully. It's okay to take care of your needs right now. I'm sorry that you feel sad. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ASchwartz

Hi JJ,

I have lots of questions. You say that you wish these voices would shut up. Do you mean that you are hearing voices and, if you are, what are they saying?

Is the hospital helping you? Do you have therapy there, do you attend groups?


Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi everybody

well to answer allans question;

yes allan ive been hearing voices for a couple of months now, that was one of the reasons that i logged on to this web site, why i joined this community in the first place.

yes i hear the voices, there as bold as brass, the things they say, the things that they tell/encourage me to do , well its probably not appropriate to write down in these pages, but there not very nice, and really not very helpful.

the hospital, yeah well the hospital are trying to help me, but i think there starting to come to the same conclusion as myself, were all just fighting a loosing battle.

i do several therapies "in house" some which help , some i feel make me worse, but i do them, no matter how shit i feel, ok somedays i try harder than others , but thats me im lazy.

im sorry everyone but this manic lowper that has now become my world dosnt make sense to me at all, thankyou though for all your kind comments and words of encouragement it does help. i guess im just wollowing in self pity, excuse me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have had a hell of a day. I remember that when pushed to the extreme of a high stress level, my reality , starts beccomming distorted. I am even more confused as to what is happening in the "real" world, as to what and where thoughts are taking me . Swirling all over inside my head, sometimes , believing the inner thoughts, negative voices I am hearing, telling me how evil and bad i am are true.

Sue, It happens under extreme stress, and sleep deprivation , you have had both !

BPD, struggle with black and white thinking, all or nothing ideas, and their is never a in between. BBD individuals can have brief psychotic eposoides when massive stress presents itself.

Been there myself. Let the staff help u , in the hospital . I fee so badly for u , I wish their was more I could do for u .

In NO WAY was this incident your fault. Self blaming is anther way to believe that it was our own fault. "I let it happen" "if Only I did this" those thoughts and the angry feelings your having inside yourself are normal to happen for victims , PTSD sets in, the world is a frightning place now to the person.

Remember what happened to you was not your doing, it was the doing of a monster. He took away so much from you, and their is in NO WAY your fault. He did horrible , things to u , you have been victimized, it is not you, however, you want to take it out on yourself. Anther way to cope with what had happened.

Then to have to see that person today, I am sure this has brought on extreme stress, and pain for u today. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

was in court again today, apparently "its all over now" well thats what my solicitor said anyway. but who is it all over for, seriously, is it all over for the s.o.b., maybe. is her job as my defence over in this case, probably, and as for me, heck, oh how i wish "its all over now". its not though, it never really is, sure s.o.b. is now safely tucked up in his new surroundings, and hopefuly i never hear about s.o.b. again, its not over though, not for me, s.o.b. is always going to be there, making damn sure i never forget, in my thoughts , in my fears, everywhere.

the voices are as loud as ever, egging me on, encourageing me to do "whats best", im fighting them, with all thats left in me, but its so difficult coz now i believe them, understand them, and to some point agree with them. its so tempting just to do as they say, just on the off chance that they are right, that , that it is the only option left for me now, and then maybe they will shut the f ' up and i can be left in peace.

you know ive never felt so useless, so pathetic and so damn gross, its hard to remember the time when things were so different, when i had my hope , my family , my dreams, when i was living my fairy tale with my children, when i had a future. and now, well now its gone, my kids are taken from me, my heart ripped apart and my joke of a so called life is torn.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ASchwartz

Dear JJ,

OK, I understand better now. You have been through more than anyone should have to endure. And, I am so sorry that you are plagued by these voices. I hope the Doctors find the right medicine that help those voices go away for good. You deserve much better than what you have experienced. I really hope that the worst is now over. I assume the S.O.B is now in prison and, speaking for myself and I hope no one is offended but I Hope He Rots in Prison......So, there, I said it!!!

Allan and with a special smile face just for you, JJ :) :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...