Way .....way beyond depressed

[SweetSue]

thanks finding, giraffes, well they hold dear to me. that means a lot. thankyou.

i tried the breathing thing, i gurss it takes practise, think my voices are just too loud at the moment. i will try again later. but hey thanks so very much for the giraffe, they always bring a smile where ever they are.

[SweetSue]

Never of thought i could sink even lower, but once again i've proved myself wrong.

Guess its one of those days that nothing goes right.

Im crushed, defeated, deflated, and how i realy dont want to be any of those things. Heck i dont want to be anything.

Been trying all day to stay in this realm long enough to make sense of myself. and theres nothing there. Absolutley empty. Im begining to wonder if i really do exist, coz i dont feel that i do, wonder now if the reason that i feel this way is coz the reality of it all is , i dont exist. Im just trapped in this body and i cant escape from it.

The pdoc and the nurses here think that im being foolish, oh i dont know, maybe i am, but its how i feel.

[SweetSue]

I went outside today, didnt want to. seriously didnt want to. Had no choice. I dont like leaving my room. Dont like people seeing my face, watching me, senseing, as they do a double take, just incase what they saw the first time wasnt bad enough. I dont blame them, i cant bear to look at myself either. Just makes me feel like crap when people stare. I know that it is something that i have to get used to. I only managed to stay in the grounds garden 15 minutes before it got to me, and the nurse had to take me back inside. Wish i was back home. At least then i can shut my door and forget the outside world even exists.

I have speech therapy again in the morning, oh the joys. Going to make a right idiot out of myself. But i did make a silent promise to myself, that i would try harder tomorrow, and i guess i will put as much into the therapy as i can. I just feel so guilty though coz although ive been practising with the nurses here, i still cant make a sound, and part of me feels that i am letting people that are trying to help me down.

Now im laid in bed feelinng sorry for myself, and getting ever more anxious about my therapy and scared coz its also ward round tomorrow morning.

Still i guess atleast its one more day down, so one less day to do.

[mabear]

Still here - still care. I applaud your courage.

[malign]

Sue,

If you forget the outside world exists, you'd have to forget the Smileys, too, because that's where they, and the rest of us, are.

You're not going to do that.

All you can do is say, Yes, the outside world exists, and sometimes it sucks, but there are also good things in it, and with effort, we can expand the good places and live there.

That's what we're here for. Make them a good place; they need it.

[SweetSue]

Im just looking for the easy route, im fed up of doing all the hard slog, just to end up getting shoved back further than i was before i even started to try.

You know i thought i had it all sussed. Spent all weekend practising my voice exercises with the nurses here. I still cant do them. Had my Speech therapy earlier, and i screwed it. I got so damn frustrated with myself, that i ended up crying my eyes. So that was just a waste of time. Dont think the therapist was best pleased with me either.

I thought that i had a better explanation about the voices and the vultures, and as to why they are with me, so like the idiot i am i wrote it down for pdoc. He wasnt impressed with me at all. Yet to me i thought it made perfect sense.

im loosing the plot big time, and i have done some , how do i put this wierd things lately.

i dont remember that well who i am anymore

[malign]

At least you know they were weird things.

You know, you're not hurting the therapist if you can't speak. I think you're imagining people's reactions rather than checking with them.

Who you are is right down there in your signature line. That's one thing I don't like about signature lines: it's something so important that you decided to make it appear on every post, but you don't get to see it yourself, unless you go back to read your own posts. So, I'll repeat it here:

It's the little things in life that matter - the Four Smileys

[SweetSue]

Thanks malign,

Maybe i am imagining the way i thought the therapist was with me, who knows ?

But i cant help the way i feel about how it went, coz to me , my feeelings are real.

I guess im back in that selfish self pitying moda again. i hate that mode, everything hurts so damn much. I meen its not her fault that i cant hold it together, with out crying, for long enough to do the session properly. Its really frustrating when things hurt so bad , that when people talk to me, look at me , i break. its just so hard to be understood when i dont understand it in the first place, That doesnt make sence, does it ?

[SweetSue]

I was going to start yet another thread, but cant for the life of me remember how to do it now. my minds blowing.

I feel like I am just going round in circles. Not sure if I can keep with it enough to finish typing what I am trying to say.

It feels like shit is never ending, and when I pick myself up enough to think Im better, that life just says HA, and throws more crap at me.

Dont think I can go through with court, cant handle it. It just feels too much, not even sure if its worth all the pain. stand there listening whilst everybody tears my life to shreds, my whole flipping life. Discussing things infront of everyone, infront of him, my ex. He is really going to enjoy that power trip.

You know my life has always had its difficulties, just like everybodies has to some degree or other. But you never think whilst your living through it that one day, all those things will come back and haunt you, publicly, in a court room, by people that dont know you, judging your every move that you have ever made, questioning the things you in life have experienced, examining old and new police records, medical records, everything !!! reading files out loud for the world to hear, as if you are not really a person just another bit of tedious paperwork.

I am so scared, not that i have done anything legally wrong, but im scared of hearing stuff, scared of listening as my world falls through the floor and straight into the heat of hell. Petrified of judgements that willl be made. Terrified that all this pain will be for nothing.

My crime, being ill, allowing myself to become ill, and not having the strength to get well quick enough. not sorting my life out, letting my children down.

All this in some vain misguided hope that one day my babies will be returned to there moma, and that one day i will be allowed to be a moma again.

i will go through with court, i owe it to my children

just not sure how on earth i am going to cope

sorry, think im finished typing now, just feeling sorry for myself

take care

Jj

[IrmaJean]

Wow, JJ, that sounds really tough for you to have to deal with. I don't think anyone's life can be accurately "documented". No one in that room has walked a mile in your shoes or been through what you have been through. Passing judgments seems cruel and unfair.

My crime, being ill, allowing myself to become ill, and not having the strength to get well quick enough. not sorting my life out, letting my children down.

Try to be gentle with yourself, JJ. I think that the effort you have been making here is clearly for the benefit of your children. You obviously love them dearly and you are trying to do your best by them. That is very admirable and courageous in my eyes. You're a person who has been hurt and now it is time to take care of yourself. Wounds take time to heal...especially when the scars are so deep. There shouldn't be a time clock placed on these types of things. Life and its challenges can't be measured like that. Go at your own pace and do what's right for you. I think sometimes taking care of our own needs helps us to eventually take care of others' needs as well. It seems to me that is what you are doing here.

I hope the court proceeding goes well and is not too painful for you.

[SweetSue]

Thankyou IrmaJean...

[malign]

Sue,

It sounds to me as if you feel that just because a bunch of people are looking some documents and think they can judge you life from that, that you have to agree with whatever they decide. Not only that, you're already sure they'll decide against you, it seems.

Neither of those things is true. You're you, and you will be no matter what anyone else says or thinks about you. The only place to store your self-image is inside you.

It seems, though, that inside you, right at the moment, the picture isn't that clear. How is your world going to fall through the floor into hell? That's an extremely vivid image for what is going to be a tedious courtroom discussion. And it's only your picture; your world is actually going to remain pretty much where it's been, isn't it?

Okay, it's an important hearing, and you need to keep your head through it. So, how will all this worrying help you do that? How will visualizing hell make it any easier to be the person you need to be in court?

How about, instead, trying to focus on showing them that you are a good moma, by holding your head up, facing their questions about the not-so-good things you've done (we all have), and making them focus on the great things you have done and will do for your kids, once they let you have them back. Let hell take care of itself; your kids need you to take care of yourself, right now.

Edited October 14, 2009 by malign
Left out a word

[SweetSue]

Hi,

well I feel how I feel, rightly or wrongly. they are my feelings, and at this moment in time my beliefs.

sorry, thats just me. yep I would love to walk into court with my head held high, listen whilst they slowly work ther way through events throughout my life. but do you know my life hasnt always been filled with shit, i have made some achievements in my time. I havnt always been a screwup. for a while i was actually quite successful, hard to believe, right ?,

The good stuff, well it will get mentioned, briefly, but mostly from what i have been given about the case it mainly focuses on all the bad shit, in detail. thats what concerns me , that what hurts so flipping much, thats what makes me feel i aint got a hope in hell,

its not going to be easy, for me at any rate, especially as i know im just going to spend most of the day in tears, and trying to hold them in.

yeah i would love to give em all a silent FY, and be the string person i need to be, let em do there worst, and still have my head held high at the end of it.

but realistically, i know me and what my emotions do to me, im just going to break.

so what am i supposed to do , i cant change me in this short a time can i ?

[AndreaB]

I feel like that I wish the depression would just leave me alone I'm so tired of crying and feeling like I'm nothing I feel like that everyday I'm on meds and I see a therapist nothing work I just want to give up

[JulianP]

deleted....

Edited February 5, 2010 by JulianP

[mscat]

Hi Sue,

I believe in you. I have seen the good qualites you have and the kindness you have for others in your heart. you may not feel that way about yourself. You have suffered at the hands of others terrible trauma in your life, horrible , abuse that has left you victimizmed, scarred , and very afraid . Very afraid emotionally and drained physically. Inner demons have haunted you and your past has hurt you. However this is nOT who you are.

I have seen a different SUE, the caring, compassionent Sue, that really worries about others feelings and emotions, who loves her chilfren with all her heart. Who takes the time to try and offer support to others who are in emotional pain. You have so much to give and to offer.

This is what the Judge needs to see. You are a survivior. A very strong woman, who has the strength and courage to stand up and fight in court. you can do this.

Your friend ,

Cathy

[mabear]

Jj, hang inthere - we are with you.

[SweetSue]

thankyou everyone for your kind comments and support, you all kinda attended court with me today, you just didnt know it. your support and kindness and your words these past few months helped to keep me strong and calm and not completely crumble today, as i listened to what people had to say about the events in my life, and the judgements made.

i had a long day in court, cant fully rememver all of it, just the pain and fighting back the tears as the day unfolded,

I didnt win my case, but I did all i could, just sometimes my hardest isnt enough,

now i am dead inside, my emotions over running on full steam ahead. I dont want to be anything right mow and yet again i find myself struggling just to breathe.

Thankyou, all of you for eveything you hhave helped me through.

Please take good care of each other

sue

[goose]

Sue

I am sorry to hear that you did not win your case.

It seems like you are feeling quite numb at the moment. Please don't let this drag you down, you are a very worthwhile person. We are still here for you now and in the future.

Take care

Goose

[notmary]

JJ

Thinking of you and wishing you peace. You have so many kind words for others. I hope you can find the kindness and love you give to others and give some to yourself.

[SweetSue]

thankyou, all of you.

im probably being foolish. things are so painful right now, im fighting the urges to give in, its not easy, i feel so ,ow, so sad and wish i could just say blow it and run away and just keep on running........

[malign]

You can do that.

It's just that you know as well as we do how successful you'd be.

Take your time, Sue. I'm sure a more productive course will occur to you.

[SweetSue]

yeah your right coz i have soo much to look forward to,

i just got to snap out of it

things will be just fine, positive thinking, that will probably help. always another day, i get to feel shitty all over again, and battle my way through the crap in hope that this time will be the last time that i have to fight just to feel like breathing..

im just tired , its been a long day, things always seem worse when your tired, right ?

in the morning, i will srart all over. i will keep fighting, i will try again. Just right now, im wollowing, have no energy , cant stop crying and cant ease my pain, it just kinda hurts so badly right now, that i cant stop feeling...

[malign]

I know, Sue. I'm sorry.

[SweetSue]

for what its worth im sorry too.

byt you have nothing to be sorry for hun, not as far as i am concerned anyway, not that, that means anything.

im just sad

people get sad, they lick there wounds, then they get over it, right ?

well im stuck in the sad part of that process right now. that makes me no good to anybody least of all myself.

im sorry