memories

[Luna-]

I hear you. It's a terrible situation and you are not feeling safe, well, you aren't safe. I wish there was something I/we could do for you.

Other than being here and listening, I feel so helpless. What would help you?

I'm curious as to where they can deport you to if you are a Saudi?

[Endlessnight]

I don't know Luna, I don't even know if I have a job right now. They would probably deport me to Yemen.

[LaLa]

(((M.)))

[finding my way]

How are you doing, En?

[Endlessnight]

I'd never thought of what my father did as kidnapping, but I guess that's what it was. A friend I was discussing some aspects of my life with, said it. I don't know how to feel about that.

[LaLa]

(((M.)))

I've used this term, too (in my mind and when talking to my husband about you). But I can see how different it has to be from your perspective - you didn't feel kidnapped, because he told you you were going only for some time and you agreed to go. And the realization that he probably won't let you go back was a too slow process, so... nothing similar to a typical kidnap - which we imagine as an abrupt, explicitly violent act.

I don't know how to feel about that, either. It's a change in perspective, but does it matter very much? I don't know. It doesn't seem to me, but that's not important; your feelings about it matter. Have they already changed? Are they still mixed? What does this difference in perspective mean to you?

[Endlessnight]

It's made me think about it from a slightly different view, but my overall feelings haven't really changed I guess. I'd never thought of it as kidnapping for the very reasons you mentioned, Lala, plus it was my father, how could I see him in that way - as a kidnapper?

I've done something foolish. I realised last night I've been taking the wrong depression medication for almost a week now. Sometimes taking the meds can be a catch 22. They help with the depression, but they leave me so confused that at times I'm unable to concentrate. It wasn't until last night that I actually looked at the med i've been taking every day because I only had a couple left and needed to buy more. It's not the one my pdoc told me to use. Now I'm so confused again.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you're feeling confused. Can you contact your pdoc and tell him what happened?

I hope you are safe today. ((((M))))

[Endlessnight]

I went to the Pdoc and told him what had happened and he said being unable to concentrate can be caused by anxiety so he has upped my dosage as he said the dosage I was taking was practically useless it was so low. I know he's right about the concentration - even when someone talks to me it seems like i'm not totally listening or understanding what is being said.

[LaLa]

I hope very much that the dosage adjustments will make you feel better, M.!

How are you these days? Is something new about your job of family?

Take gentle care!

[Endlessnight]

Hi Lala, I went back to work last Sunday. There is to be a three month amnesty seemingly. After the three months if I don't transfer to the sponsorship of the school I don't know what will happen. Right now my sponsor is my brother, but I'm not supposed to work, to work legally I would have to transfer my sponsorship to the place I work. Most places of work don't want people to transfer their sponsorship to them because it would be extra expense for them as they would have to give insurance (at least they are supposed to). I don't want to transfer because then I would be more or less at their service. If they decided later to not renew my sponsorship they could have me deported. For now I'm back at work and hoping for the best.

I think the meds are helping me now. I don't feel so confused as before.

I've been dreaming a lot about my father lately. In my dreams he is usually sick and I need to change the bedding. I am sure this is my subconscious way of telling myself it's time to forgive him, but I don't feel able to. Yes, I can say the words but they wouldn't have meaning. I wish I could see him one last time so I could ask him why and how he was able to do this to me, and hear him answer. Then I think I would be able to hug him and tell him I forgive him.

I am still so worried about my brother leaving work. This is his last month. I feel so bad for my nephews, I know I must stop; dwelling on this for my own good, but I can't. The less I see him and his wife worry about such things the more I worry. Why do I always feel this need to atone for others?

[Endlessnight]

I've been so confused and worried about things that yesterday when I came home from work I walked past our flat and continued up the stairs to the roof. I 'woke up' at the door to the roof and went back down, but this kind of thing is happening more and more.

[LaLa]

M., I hope you're still taking care in potentially dangerous situations ... Walking up to the roof door isn't "that bad"; it happens (it reminds me myself years ago, when I used to go home by stairs, not the elevator, and sometimes ended one or even two floors higher. And I wasn't depressed or anxious or nervous; just thinking.)

I wish I could see him one last time so I could ask him why and how he was able to do this to me, and hear him answer. Then I think I would be able to hug him and tell him I forgive him.

I see... It's hard to accept that we'll never know some important answers . Yet, what are you actually seeking for when wanting his answer? I guess it's understanding. And I think it's possible to understand it even without knowing his own explanation. (Moreover; his answer could seem "not enough" to you: You might not believe, you might question it, you might not understand. There's no guaranty that it would really make you forgive as it's only you who decides about the forgiveness, not "he [decides] for you".) How would you explain his act in a way that would seem "forgivable" to you? I think this is the most important now. You need your own interpretation of a kind which will bring you peace.

Yes; I mentioned that he kidnapped you and I do think it was bad for you, but it doesn't mean that now we're blaming him for everything and that we can't understand that he had his reasons and very probably didn't wish to do harm, but he was unable to foresee and then also to see and "take into consideration" the consequences, it seems. What do you think?

[Luna-]

I've been so confused and worried about things

You have good reason to be confused and worried; you are under considerable (and continual) stress.

[Endlessnight]

I had a really bad day at work today. I went to see the manager to confirm a new class starting next week as she had previously told me, and she said she wasn't giving me a new class yet, that she might have to replace me as there had been so many complaints about me from students. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say at first. I asked her what complaints, but she didn't have anything specific to tell me, she just kept repeating many students had complained. I know I am not a perfect teacher, and I know there have been in the past a couple of complaints, but that has happened with all the teachers. There is always a student or two who just doesn't like the teacher or her way of teaching. But to tell me that she might have to replace me because of this was just such a shock. I asked her to be specific but she couldn't. Anyway I had to go to my class then though I really just wanted to go home. i don't know how I got through the first hour of my class, but in the break i went to the teacher's room and I just started crying and couldn't stop. Some teachers came in and asked me what was wrong and I told them and they were sympathetic of course. I was finally able to go back to take the rest of my class and when it finished I went back to speak with the manager to tell her what I thought of what she said and how it had upset me. I did, but she denied she had ever said she was thinking of replacing me. I might be confused at times but I'm not delusional and I know what she said, but she kept denying it. Anyway, she finally started shouting that none of the teachers were doing their job and she was fed up and I don't know what else. I just walked out on her. I am going to continue with the class I have and when it finishes I will see what will happen. i really wish I could find another job because after what she said (and it's not just this, it's the way they treated us when we were absent because of the problems about sponsorship). I am so upset and feel like I can't breathe and I don't want to breathe anymore.

[IrmaJean]

That sounds so upsetting and painful, M. I am here and listening. Can you take some time for yourself the rest of the day? I hope breathing comes easier for you. Sending my care.

[Endlessnight]

Beth, since I got home I haven't been able to concentrate on anything much so I've just been taking it easy, mostly lying in bed as I am sick also. I do feel slightly better, but I know I am going to have to face the problem of having a job or not soon.

[Endlessnight]

I feel so discouraged and helpless that at this time of my life ( I turned 57 over a week ago) I have to be afraid for my future. I should have a nest egg to fall back on, but I don't. I am worrying about my job and my health. Maybe if I only had to worry about myself it wouldn't be so bad, but I am worrying about my brother and his family. I know that's stupid but I can't help it. How do you stop yourself from being anxious about things? Is there some way to do that that I don't know about? Things seem so hopeless for me right now, I don't know where to go from here or even how to get past this roadblock that I see in front of me - actually a series of roadblocks. I feel overwhelmed.

[IrmaJean]

Financial stress and worries can feel overwhelming. I hear you, M. Does it help to think of living life one day at a time?

How do you stop yourself from being anxious about things?

I'm still working on this too. I know it can difficult. Have you ever tried meditating? I find this often helps me. What helps you?

(((M)))

[finding my way]

(((( hugs to you )))) I'm so sorry for this pain, En

[Endlessnight]

Thank you Beth, Finding, Lala, Luna. ((((((((hugs)))))))) to all of you and to anyone in need of them.

[Luna-]

Hug to you too, M.

[LaLa]

Thank you, (((M.)))

[IrmaJean]

How are things for you, M?

[Endlessnight]

Hi Beth. I've been going over things from my past in my mind, lately, and I'm not happy remembering my past behaviour to those around me. You know I've said I don't have much memory of past years and that is still true, but what I am remembering is my behaviour, especially to my father. I am still struggling with being able to forgive him, but now I realise I need him to forgive me also and last night I was crying in bed, asking him to forgive me. I don't really remember him being angry at me at all, maybe just once, but not about how I behaved towards him. I know he was cold and didn't really show emotion much, but I do remember him one time trying to hold me and tell me he loved me, but I wouldn't let him. I fought him to prevent him putting his arms around me. I know I wasn't the easiest person to get along with. I was cold, unemotional and uncaring, unable to feel love, and only feeling hate inside, probably self centred and would lose my temper at the drop of a hat. I didn't treat others well, at least not those closest to me. I'm not happy at my behaviour, but I am trying not to beat myself up too much about it. I know that it was all I could be at the time. Still, It's not a good feeling to know you have wronged others and I wish I could take back all the bad behaviour, the shouting and screaming, the hatred and bitterness.

Perhaps it's a good thing that I am now able to think of such things in a more objective way and not feel overwhelmed the way I used to.