memories

[Endlessnight]

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[LaLa]

Oh, ten more people in your house!? That would definitely scare me, too! I used to be very uncomfortable even when I had to live for some days at my husband's grandma with his parents and sister - all familiar to me. I hated that - so many people in only some small rooms, I felt like having no privacy at all and I also am too "exigent" about my privacy and my "personal space". However, it has never been as bas as I imagined it in advance and, moreover, I was also able to get used to it to some extent (well... I mostly changed (after some years) thanks to my therapy, I have to say. I'm not so anxious in general, so this also became easier for me. And my husband's family became a bit closer to me - that's also a factor (they didn't like me at all at the beginning of our relationship - here you have an advantage: those guests are rather "indifferent" - they don't hate you )).

I know you don't have time "to get used to it" as it only happens once - now. So... what would I suggest? Don't call yourself stupid, but try to define your needs. Then try to identify those habits that you are able to miss/lack for some days and those that you really need "too much". Maybe some of the second-ones can be maintained even in the presence of those guests? Or maybe you might find something to replace them for these few days: Something that would give you some comfort. (For me, this was reading books: I appeared as very anti-social to the family of my husband, but is was better for me than being stressed too much and anxious and feeling awkward because of trying to "socialize". So when being with them, I very often just sit down (alone if possible) and read my book, trying to almost ignore what happened around. The book was like a "stable point" for me, and also a kind of distraction.)

Will some of the guests live in your room with you? If not, then it's rather easy - you can spend more time in your room, feeling "safe". If yes, then... well at least they will surely be most of the time in other rooms, with others, so you'll have still some of your privacy.

In any case; you can see this as a gift to your niece: You'll "survive without too much trouble" these few days, knowing that you're doing it for her. It might even feel good - this kind of achievement. If it was easy for you (without any difficulties), than it wouldn't be an "achievement" and you couldn't see it as "a gift" .

[Endlessnight]

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[LaLa]

I see... Well, I mentioned my solution with the book only to let you know what I did in a little bit similar situation. And I wrote about my experiences to let you know you're not alone with this kind of feelings.

So when you have to sit with them, then maybe the best way could be to focus on something positive in that situation. Can you see anything positive there? As... Aren't you a bit curious about those people? They represent "something new, unknown" (or you already know them all (well)?) to you rather ruinous life - and that can bring anxiety, but maybe also a bit of curiosity? Or some other feelings? ...

[Endlessnight]

In my diary that I have been reading, and posted bits of on my blog, it says what I felt then and still feel now and maybe explains a little why I dread having to sit for hours with the women:

Do you know what is the worst thing in life? To not know your place in it. To feel continually that you are an outsider. No matter what group of people I am with, no matter how like them I behave, I know I am not one of them. I am always looking on from outside. I talk about fashion with the girls, I talk about cooking and cleaning with the women, but that still isn't me. It's not that I act a part consciously, I don't. I long to belong, never having known a proper family, but I don't.

I don't hate the women, please don't get me wrong - they are my family and in the beginning I found everything wonderful because it was so different. But after forty years of the same conversations it gets a little boring. I long to have conversations about books or movies or anything other than husbands, kids and clothes.

[LaLa]

I understand... Sorry for trying to be so positive with rather little info about the situation . Maybe still one more attempt to identify some positive things: Bored sounds at least better than anxious or scared...

I see that you've been the outsider, because in the beginning, you didn't have any motivation to become an "insider" - you believed you would leave soon. And then the transition (between the faith and the realization that "it won't happen")... I'm curious if your diary describes the moment when you realized or decided not to return home anymore - I've seen already that "the beginning" of this was in the part you posted as the last-one yesterday, but I don't know if that was already a final decision or just the first realization that you probably wouldn't leave as you couldn't leave your old father...

M., it will be so wonderful if you can feel that you belong among us. I know that's not something equivalent to belonging among people you can meet in person and talk to for hours. However, the "state (feeling) of belonging" may be similar. One can belong to several different communities. I feel that I belong also here. And I feel you belong here. Do you feel so, too?

[Endlessnight]

LaLa, please don't apologise for anything you say to me. Your comments help me see myself more clearly and make me think about what I've said or what I'm feeling.

I hope I can say one day that I feel I belong here LaLa, I really do.

I deleted two of my posts because I felt they were petty and selfish.

[devils daughter]

My feeling is that petty and selfish expressions are OK here (whether or not they really are), and that it’s also OK to delete them!

[Endlessnight]

DD -

[LaLa]

[Endlessnight]

Right now my niece is having henna applied to her hands, arms, feet and legs. I wish I could show you - it looks nice. My sister in law has had it done already as have my two youngest nieces. I might have just a finger or two done - I don't know yet. It's 8pm and our guests haven't arrived yet so I know it's going to be an all nighter. Tomorrow is the henna party held at a small hall and the day after will be the wedding itself. I would like weddings a lot more if they were by day rather than starting after eight (for the henna) and after 10 (for the wedding itself).

If I can figure out how to put pictures on my profile or blog or whatever, with only limited access, then I will put the henna pics when I upload them to my laptop.

[LaLa]

I've once seen a henna decoration of hands and arms also "in person" (-not only on a picture): When one collegue married a man from India... However, I suppose that in India, it's different (the patterns, ...) from how they do it in S.A..

Looking forward to the picture !

[Endlessnight]

I did a stupid thing today. I was offered a tutoring job and when asked for my qualifications I said I had graduated from university when I never even went to high school. As soon as I said it I regretted it and after I finished speaking to the mother on the phone I decided I can't take the job because of my lie. I feel so ashamed.

[LaLa]

I'm sorry, mostly about the lost opportunity...

We all make mistakes and... after having made one, the probably best thing is to try to learn form it, so I wonder what could you learn from this mistake, except from that you should not lie in these contexts anymore, of course . The main question I can see is: Why did you say it? I imagine two possibilities:

- You wanted the job so much and your self-esteem was so low, that you tried to use "any" means to increase your chance to get it.

- You might have got a hidden fear from the job (that it would be too challenging or...???) and so made unconsciously something to sabotage the process of getting it.

In every case, you may learn something about you and draw consequences for the future.

How do you see it? (As those were only my hypotheses! )

Edited September 14, 2012 by LaLa3

[Endlessnight]

I see it as a mixture of both your hypotheses. I knew that if I told the truth about my education I wouldn't be given the chance to prove I could do it. My self esteem is always low so yes, I was afraid I wouldn't be up to it and might have unconsciously wanted to sabotage it rather than try it and have to deal with the stress. Also, we spoke over the phone and when the woman asked if I was British I said yes, which I am, but she then asked me if I were originally British and I said I was British and I was also Arab. I knew that if I didn't say that when I turned up to tutor her daughter and she saw I didn't have white skin and blonde hair she might think I had tricked her. (Yes, it has happened )

[LaLa]

It's always easier to lie over the phone...

I suppose that you might have a feeling that there's nothing to "learn", because you have known those things about your self-esteem and so on already before the phone call. But I think that what happened is offering you the opportunity of being fully aware of the quite big consequences that your self-esteem and your fear of rejection may sometimes have just by few simple words in a short moment. So maybe what you can do is to tell yourself before other similar situations someting like... that you don't want to let this all interfere and you're going to try to avoid this type of "short-cut behaviour", leaving the result (-decision of the other person) "to your destiny" - feeling more comfortable with both options (-getting the job or not), not trying to influence the result by some "tricks".

(BTW, it's interesting and a bit funny - the expectation of blond hair in Europeans...)

How are you these days?

Is the temperature already fine?

Take care!

[LaLa]

How are you, M.?

[Endlessnight]

I'm not like other people and I don't think I ever will be. There is something inside of me, there is an absence of feeling for others and for myself. All there is a great emptiness. Nothing more.

[IrmaJean]

You're you, M. I have always seen a lot of feelings for others inside you. Did something happen to upset you? What do you feel when you listen to beautiful music or when you admire nature? It might help if you do something self-connective. I'm sorry you're feeling empty.

[Endlessnight]

Beth, I have been thinking over my life for the past few years and I know I am a lot better than I was. But I don't seem to feel much of anything any more. I haven't been on here in a while and I don't know if I have any feelings about it either. I don't even know if I miss my niece. I'm numb.

I've been reading some old letters and what's upset me is I don't even remember who the people are that sent them to me. I don't mean my letters from my relatives in England, I remember all of them, I mean letters I presume were from friends of mine at some time or another here in SA, but I didn't recognise any of their names.

[malign]

I'm not like any other people, either, M.

And I'm just like everyone else, at the same time.

It's not hard to numb ourselves when there's a constant source of pain in our lives.

Heck, it's hard not to numb ourselves, in those circumstances.

But just like a hand that has fallen asleep, we all know that that numbness isn't good, and that the sooner we go through the pins-and-needles, the sooner we get a functioning hand back ...

Take care, M.

[Endlessnight]

Beth, Mark, thank you.

Mark I think part of my numbness could be due to my meds. I mentioned I had changed my pdoc some months past and the meds he has given me, while stabilising my moods, could be the cause of my numb feeling also. I don't feel much of anything any more. I am taking 50mg Lamictal in the morning, 20mg of Enatapro in the afternoon and 50mg Seroquel at night. I have been trying to cut down though so sometimes I only take half the Entapro tablet and the Seroquel tablet.

I know I should go back to the pdoc, he told me I should go back after a month and it's been months now but I can't afford it just yet.

[Endlessnight]

The cousin I found on Facebook has replied to me, and she has put more of my cousins in touch with me also. I was the one that initiated the contact, and I was happy to have found her, but now I've frozen. My cousins are sending me messages asking about me, saying how great it is to hear from me and I am not replying to them. I just stare at their messages over and over again. Finding so many cousins is great I know, but it is also very painful. The memories it brings back are happy and sad at the same time and I feel scared. Scared that getting back in touch with them will be more painful than happy. That it will make me feel the way I used to feel - wanting something I know I can't have, being regretful and resentful all the time.

I wish I understood why I do the things I do, I wish I understood myself, maybe then I would be able to help myself not be the way I am. When people reach out to me I freeze or back away. I run away from getting too close to anyone. Oh God I thought I was getting better but my behaviour says otherwise. Where can I find the help I need to be able to live the way I want to. I don't want to be this scared person all the time.

[malign]

M., you know the feeling of pins and needles you get when part of you that's been asleep starts to wake up? You know how it goes away eventually, and you feel much better? Maybe that's what's happening here ...

One question I had was, would any of them qualify as male relatives, under local law? Maybe one would travel there, on vacation, and help you to leave? Wouldn't that be something? :-)

[IrmaJean]

Hi M. It's good to hear from you.

It's funny you mention cousins on Facebook. I've recently reconnected with a lot of my cousins on Facebook too. I have been enjoying my interactions with them. Just today I posted a photo of all of my brothers together. My eldest brother is autistic and he can't speak. In the photo he is touching his forehead to another brother's forehead. I've always loved that photo. I still cry when I look at it sometimes, but that's okay. I find that in some way it represents my childhood. There will always be some pain there, I imagine, but...there is also something quite touching and beautiful about that photo as well. It's pure and it's my brothers...The photo has been tucked away and today I shared it with my family. They were very appreciative. I find I truly enjoy sharing with family and friends. Maybe you would too?

It's okay to feel scared, M. I feel scared sometimes too. Taking risks can be scary, but maybe the potential gains are worth taking a chance? You'll never know what might happen unless you try. That's easier said than done, I know. I spent so many years not talking to people or even trying to make friends. I find now that my friendships and connections with others are very rewarding. I hope you are able to try. If not now, then soon.

We're here for you, M. Take care.