memories

[devils daughter]

In case this means anything to you, my genuine female ego seems to be emerging out of hiding, or having been fractured, or something. It/she is very destructive, still, at the moment but my rationality believes that’s a part of the process. I could be wrong, but I don’t know anything else to go with at the moment. Wish I could be off in a re-socialization retreat somewhere for a week or two but they don’t have those, yet.

Sounds like you could use that, too, maybe?

Maybe all of us together, we’ll get through these things and be better for it. Let’s hope, anyway.

[IrmaJean]

Hold on, M. We need your light.

I'll be back soon. {{{M}}}

[Endlessnight]

Oh how I wish I could go away somewhere, just for a week. Somewhere where people understand and I don't have to hide. Though I would probably take my self destruction with me.

[IrmaJean]

M, maybe one place to start on a healing path is by having an awareness of your self-talk. It is very harsh right now. I hear you, but I also hope you can find a space for compassion for you too.

What is it that you're doing that is self-destructive and what can you do to change things? How can you empower yourself?

[Endlessnight]

Everything I do is wrong, self destructive. I don't know how not to be like this. When I said I wish I could get away what I really meant was get away from myself.

[IrmaJean]

Everything I do is wrong, self destructive. I don't know how not to be like this.

Maybe try reframing this some.

"I feel that everything I do is wrong and self-destructive. I don't know how to not be like this, yet."

When I said I wish I could get away what I really meant was get away from myself.

I'm listening, M. I am sorry for your inner conflict and struggle. Would listening to music bring you some moments of inner peace tonight?

[Endlessnight]

For as long as I can remember, whenever I have said something or done something that is 'wrong' I have seen images in my head of me being beaten. All I see are hands and they are hitting my head over and over, sometimes with a piece of wood, sometimes they bang my head against the wall. I never see my face, only the back of my head. Hardly a day has gone by without me seeing this at least once. Lately it's all I see. Beaten again and again. Maybe then i'll be a better person. Until then, it's all I deserve

[devils daughter]

Since I just joined the community the first of this year I went back and looked at some of the earlier entries on this thread.

On 9/24/2010 you wrote about being beaten on the head by a neighbor. Is there anything about that incident that is still with you? For instance, you didn't tell the police what the old lady said because you thought they might believe her and not you -- even though what she said was irrational.

I know that I have had a very hard time dealing with "bad" things that other people say or think about me -- or accuse me of. I don't know for sure who is right -- maybe the other person is right and I'm wrong, especially somebody who has more status than me (and in the case of the neighbor she was at least an adult). And even if they aren't "right" in terms of what is really going on in me, their opinion may come to be accepted so that I have to behave as if they were correct in order to fit in.

Isn't that (still) like where you are living now? It just breaks my heart.

[Endlessnight]

I've never associated that incident with the images I see. I just thought they were because I hated myself so much that I felt , feel, that I deserve to be beaten. Physical punishment is preferable to me than this emotional pain and turmoil inside of me. i feel that if I'm beaten enough then I might become a better person. Maybe then I'll be able to not mess us so much. Sometimes it's just a slap on the side of the head and I will say 'oh you stupid ***', sometimes it's being beaten over and over. I've never thought is was a big deal because it's been happening for so long that's it's become a part of me. But now it's all I seem to see. It probably does have to do with the irrational feeling that no matter what I do it's never good enough and that I'm always to blame for everything.

[IrmaJean]

I'm on a short work break so not much time right now. I wanted to check in on you.

Living with low levels of trauma for a long period of time can cause some painful and difficult feelings. This can be undermining to your sense of self. I'm sorry such painful images are running through your mind. Ask your self, though, dear M, if you would feel that any other human being deserved to be beaten as you have said you do. Of course you would not. You have a kind and gentle soul. Can you feel that for you or at least allow for the possibility?

((((M))))

[Endlessnight]

Since I have no therapist this forum is my therapist and sometimes it's the only way for me to express myself. I pour out my feelings, good and bad I guess. I use it to write out how i'm feeling in the hope it will make a difference. it does. Thank you DD, thank you Beth, thank you all. Your caring does help.

[devils daughter]

I really understand for myself what you have said in your signature line. The family life I grew up in, and the way that I internalized it -- I'm still trying to get out. I've felt like I was like a prisoner, too, since my mid-30's probably. Thirty years later, I'm still trying to get out . . . Why? I guess we all want freedom . . . and love. And sometimes it seems like the two are incompatible. I keep looking for ways out . . . for all of us.

[Endlessnight]

DD - being a prisoner of oneself is more painful than I can express - I know you understand though and I'm sorry.

I've been thinking about what you said regarding the woman that beat me. Since I was a child I've had problems leaving my bedroom at night, even to use the bathroom, and it has to do with her also. My brother and I shared a bedroom with my parents when we were children, and if we needed to use the toilet (which was out in the yard) we had to wake up my father because she might be lurking about. She would come to our bedroom and bang on the door and shout and scream - though I don't remember that part (I think it was so traumatic I blocked it out) - it was my father that reminded me of it - yet all of that has left it's imprint on me and the way I am I guess and I understand why I have always had such fear of leaving my room at night.

[LaLa]

I'm glad to see you here again, M ...

What you describe is a phobia with a distinct cause. Phobias, mostly of this kind, can be (at least to some extent) overcome by reason, rational arguments and by trials to do what we fear to do, little by little. Do you leave your room at night when you want to or still always try to avoid it if possible?

[Endlessnight]

I still avoid leaving my room at night but if I need to I am able to so I am much better in that regard now.

[LaLa]

Maybe you might - if you'd like to learn to overcome the fear totally - try to leave your room every night for a while, without a reason, just to show yourself that you're able to do it and nothing bad happens. I don't say it's important. But maybe that could be a nice thing to do for yourself - ?

[Endlessnight]

LaLa, rationally I know that nothing bad will happen but I still hate leaving my room unless I have to - such as to use the bathroom.

[LaLa]

I've never doubted that you rationaly know it!!! It's all just about overcoming the feelings.

[Endlessnight]

I did a foolish thing today. There are only two weeks to the wedding and my niece went to the wedding hall to practise her walk down the 'aisle' and I didn't go with her. Her mother and sisters went with her. She had upset me the other day as had my sister in law and I just felt I wasn't wanted. Even as they were leaving though I was on the verge of tears. I wanted to go. But more than that, I wanted my niece to say she wanted me to go and she didn't. I still wish I had been able to overcome my own pride and go. I will never get the opportunity again to see what I missed. Why do I keep messing everything up? I love her so much. So much.

[IrmaJean]

(((((M)))))

[devils daughter]

I’m wondering – this may not seem to fit for you, and if not that’s OK.

It sounds to me like there are two differing and somewhat conflicting situations: (1) You love your niece and you want to share in important aspects of her life. (2) Your nieces and your sister-in-law have your brother’s support in not respecting you, and that is NOT something in which you wish to share.

I’m so very sorry if this is how things are in your family. And if I’m wrong – cool! If you’d like to tell me how I am wrong that would be great.

[Endlessnight]

DD you more or less summed it up. It's not so much that my nieces and nephews have their father's support in not respecting me, it's that they are mimicking his and his wife's and her mother's behaviour towards me. In the past, my nephew and my brother's mother in law have all hit me with no repercussions so of course they don't respect me or feel that they need to be nice to me.

[LaLa]

M., I wouldn't call it "a foolish thing", as you did. I see it like quite natural - DD expressed it well and I see you decision like a result of the fact that the 2nd mentioned "tendency" is stronger - and that's not "foolish" or "bad" or "showing that your love is not strong enough"!

Imagine what could happen if you had decided to go there with her:

Your feeling that you "weren't wanted" might have been right, who knows? Or even if not, I suppose this feeling wouldn't just disappear, so you would feel "unwanted" all the time and couldn't enjoy being there with your niece - would that be good?

I belive you'll feel "wanted" an the wedding ceremony itself - and that's the most important, not some preparations...

[Endlessnight]

LaLa, I felt ashamed that I couldn't overcome my own feelings for the sake of my niece. I mustn't spoil this time for her. If I did, I would never be able to forgive myself.

[LaLa]

I see... So maybe you can see that situation as a kind of "warning" - what might happen and what you'd like to avoid in future; now that you feel were the problem was (-inability to ovecome your feelings at a moment...) and how you saw it after it had happened, you may be better prepared for possible similar situations: Not feeling so much unwanted by others and contributing to what you wish to contribute (or better: participating at what you want to participate).

Don't worry about spoiling it . When we worry too much, we can't enjoy the pleasant parts of what's happening. And the best you can do is to enjoy the wedding! Good luck!