memories

[LaLa]

(((M.)))

I'm sorry you feel this way .

It mainly occurs to me to remind you that it will end, that everything will once end, even if you didn't want it to, so... before it happens, you may take the chance to... "take what has been given to you", even if it doesn't seem much. You still have your life, you still have some health (not ideal, but neither "too bad"), ... and even if it hurts sometimes, you can go through the pain and feel better again, enjoy something again, like when you felt the wind in your hair and it felt so good for a moment, or like when your students gave you the flowers and you felt happy, ... I know it might seem "too little", but... it's still "something" and who knows, maybe sometimes it will be more, ... anyway; the time when everything will be ended/gone will come regardless of our wish, so... maybe staying here for having the opportunity to live some more time, to hope for something better, ... sounds good from this perspective, or doesn't it?

[malign]

There's an old saying, "If you want peace, fight for justice." It may be applicable? Not to fatigue, if it's really fatigue, but maybe it's applicable to depression resulting from continual injustice.

Is part of the problem the fact that once you're in Dubai, you could in fact go wherever you like? But that as things stand now, you'll probably go back to Saudi?

[LaLa]

(I had no idea that you're in Dubai, M. Sorry if you mentioned it and I didn't notice...)

[Endlessnight]

Lala, I know everything will end, I just wish it would hurry up and happen.

Mark, I want to be happy I'm finally leaving this country, if only for four days, and if only to go to a country very like this one, but I'm just feeling empty inside. As I said I had to lie to even get my brother to say I could go, then I have to lie to the family - this by omission. I wasn't going to tell anyone about me going - after all four days will pass quickly enough. But due to circumstances, everyone is going to know I've gone. It's a big deal here for a woman to travel without a male guardian, most would say it's not allowed even (keep your fingers crossed that i'm not stopped at the airport for that). The constant lies I have to tell in my daily life, and to be allowed to go somewhere for a few days has worn me down. I wish I could get my money back. If I could then I wouldn't go. I'm so tired of fighting, and I don't even know what it is i'm fighting against. I'm tired of myself most of all. I am 56 years old and I have no money saved up and here I am going off on vacation. I'm afraid of life because I've failed at it for most of the years i've lived.

I watch the video with the little girl that I was over and over. She seems a stranger to me. i wonder what she thought then, and how did she turn into me? I want to apologise to her but I can't, because I can't change what has happened, and I don't have the strength to change the present or the future.

[Endlessnight]

Lala, I'm not in Dubai. I live in Saudi Arabia. I'm supposed to be going to Dubai with my two friends for a mini vacation that they planned and finally persuaded me to join them on. By the way, I don't live in Riyadh.

[Endlessnight]

It's not physical fatigue I'm feeling. It's emotional and mental fatigue. It's the fatigue of being depressed all the time and not wanting to feel this way anymore.

[malign]

Either mental or physical fatigue have the same solution: getting the corresponding kind of rest. Not the eternal kind that the depression would like you to believe is necessary.

"I want to apologise to her but I can't, because I can't change what has happened, and I don't have the strength to change the present or the future."

Sure you do, or you wouldn't have agreed to go on vacation. That has already changed the future, even if you don't go; you didn't even think you could leave the country, before. Do you have to be able to fix something, right a "wrong" completely, to be able to apologize to yourself that it happened? There is an awful lot I'm sorry for in my life, that I can't change. Sadly, it's how we humans learn.

"I'm so tired of fighting, and I don't even know what it is i'm fighting against."

You're fighting against yourself, M; that's why it's so hard. For either side to win, you have to defeat yourself. Maybe there's a path to peace, just in that observation? Maybe it's okay for two belief systems to live side by side without continually fighting a guerilla war, or at least one can hope.

[Endlessnight]

Mark and Lala, thank you for your responses to my somewhat incoherent posts.

My friends, that I'm going with, keep asking me if I'm excited yet, and I have to keep telling them no. It seems unreal I guess that after more than 20 years I am going to go on a vacation.

Perhaps if my going on vacation didn't entail all the lies it does I would be happier. As it is, I feel so broken inside and as Thursday comes closer, breathing gets harder and harder.

Perhaps a part of me is upset that yes, I will be coming back here and everything will be the same again. That's not the only thing though right now. My major concerns are money and my brother leaving work, plus my health which is making it harder and harder to work the hours i need to to be able to save up money. On looking back I seem to have lived my life as though there wouldn't be a tomorrow, well I know that 's what I've always hoped anyway. Every night I went to bed I hoped I wouldn't wake up. I haven't taken care of money or my health on that basis mostly. It's killing me now. My whole life is one regret after another which is why I'm going on this damn vacation even if it kills me and I end up bankrupt - which I am close to anyway. At least I can say I enjoyed something in my life. I just hope I will be able to forget all this in my four days away.

Dying does seem such a good idea though, I would no longer be war with myself - peace, peace, peace at last.

[malign]

That's a little like hoping we finally have that nuclear holocaust we've been waiting for all our lives, because at least afterwards it would be peaceful. You don't call it peace when war isn't an option. Peace is when you could fight, but choose not to.

If you want to enjoy your holiday, first you're going to have to forgive yourself for having it.

The same is probably true of planning your future: first you have to forgive yourself for whichever one you choose.

And maybe forgiveness is in fact the route to peace.

You mentioned your younger part, and not knowing how you became who you are.

Can you at least forgive yourself for becoming who you are?

[Lana73]

M, hi

I have been in the situation where I was able to "escape" my harsh reality for few days. The most interesting thing was that the moment I got to my destination/ vacation, I was able to let go all my anxiety, depression, etc. I was able to see that there is so much more in life. Yes, the part that i had to go back was very difficult, but having those few days when I could truly enjoy myself really made a huge difference. I came back rested with a totally different outlook on life.

I hope you will be able to enjoy you vacation. You owe it to yourself!

[Endlessnight]

Mark, perhaps forgiveness is the key as you say, but I don't know how to. There are two people I need to forgive: myself and my father. I don't think of forgiving my brother because it's still an ongoing thing between us. I do want to forgive though and if I would if I could. I know everything you have said is right, the person or thing I'm fighting most of all is me and it's exhausted me to where I want to give up and give in again. God I'm being incoherent again. I'm so confused.

Thank you for your patience with me.

Lala, hello and thank you. I'm glad you got to have your vacation and hopefully mine will be as relaxing.

[finding my way]

Lily Tomlin once said: "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past."

Kinda profound, really.

Hope you are ok, En!

[Endlessnight]

I got back from my trip to Dubai a couple of hours ago and already my brother has ruined my happiness and the happiness of my nieces with their gifts from me to them. He seems to be unable to allow anyone to be happy. He is like a spoilt child who gets upset if someone is happy. I think he feels he should be the only one to make his kids happy? I don't know, I just know I feel like crying.

[LaLa]

Welcome back, M.!

I'm sorry you had to face your brother's bad reactions . I can imagine that it has to be very frustrating! Yet I wonder if you could try, after overcoming the acute sadness, to return to your previous happy feelings and to bring back at least a bit of the positives from the previous days. You were able to be happy (and then also make happy your nieces ) - what an accomplishment!! Just consider how great it is - you became able to allow yourself to enjoy the holidays! Your brother cannot take away that from you, he cannot make your memories disappear and I hope that not even the presents you gave your nieces (or he took them away? ).

Wouldn't you like to share your trip with us (here or on your blog)? I'd enjoy to hear about Dubai and your program and your impressions, ... !

BTW, I've read an "alternative" quote about forgiveness today, on this site: http://www.despair.c...motivators.html

Teach every child you meet the importance of forgiveness. It's our only hope of surviving their wrath once they realize just how badly we've screwed things up for them.

I wanted to post it here, "in the context of" the wise quote posted by FMW, trying to make you smile a bit, although it's a sad kind of "joke"...

[Endlessnight]

Hi Lala, I will try and write about some of the things I enjoyed about Dubai. My brother made my coming home hell. He made my niece give back the gift to me and it upset me so much. Maybe he is right and I am trying to buy my nieces' love with gifts. I never thought of it that way but to be honest, I don't know if they would care if I never returned home at all. I wanted a warm homecoming and I never got that and I think that's what's upsetting me most of all.

[Luna-]

That is cruel of him. What a cruel man. I can hear your disappointment...

[malign]

What's upsetting him, M, is that you might have had a warm homecoming ...

Well, and that if he retires, then he won't have anything to buy their love with.

[LaLa]

I can only agree.

I think he has the idea about you "trying to buy the love of your nieces" from himself: That's probably the way he sees (himself) giving presents. And maybe he was even jealous when he imagined that you might have succeeded, so he "had to stop it".

In any case; if he is so much against presents, then he should have told you in advance (before the journey) not to buy any! As he hadn't told anything, it's perfectly OK for you to buy the presents and he should accept it - just if there wasn't that inequity in the "amount of" ("cultural" (as he's a man in a Muslim culture) and subjective (-!) familial) authority...

How did your nieces react?

[Endlessnight]

Today I was told not to come to work. The Saudis are going around checking places of work for illegal workers, which is what I am. They have done this periodically for years, but now it's getting serious. If they find an illegal alien they deport them right away. I am scared that I might get caught. The administration tell us to run away if they come around, but we are teachers and how do we know if they come? By the time we see them it will be too late. The administration, who are mostly non-Saudi, run away whenever they hear the government inspectors are coming, they have left us in the lurch many times. My life seems to be going from worse to wrose this year and I am getting worse and worse. I don't know what to do.

Edit: Its next to impossible to become a legal worker here.

[Luna-]

Hide. I hope you are hiding. That is an awful situation, M! Do the Admin people not even warn you before they run away?

What do you have to do to become a legal worker?

{{{M}}}

[Endlessnight]

To become a legal worker you have to have something called a 'kafeel'. This is your sponsor and he can only be a Saudi. Without a sponsor you cannot work here. You become, in effect, your sponsors slave. You can only work where he wants you to, you can't leave the country without his permission, you can't do anything without his permission. If he doesn't want to pay you there is nothing you can do. As I said, it is akin to slavery. If you leave your sponsor even with his permission you must pay a huge fine to be allowed to find another sponsor.

[Luna-]

That sounds absolutely barbaric. How are you feeling today? Did you go in to work? When do they think it will be safe again?

[LaLa]

"absolutely barbaric" seem apposite to me, too ... It's almost incredible what practices are considered "normal" in some parts of the world ...

I hope you're at least relatively save, M.! As they haven't "found" you for so many years, hopefully this "method" of avoiding the school when they do the controls will help this time as well... (What to they say to the children (students), btw?...)

(((M.)))

[IrmaJean]

M...

I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and I care. I'm sorry things are so frightening and painful.

[Endlessnight]

Thank you all for your concern. I and a lot of the other teachers that are considered 'illegal' haven't been to work since Sunday. We don't even know if we still have jobs as no one has gotten in touch with us. These raids are going on all over the country. If they find you working for someone other than your sponsor they deport you. They don't even allow you to go and get your things or to be paid any wages owed you. Things are awful right now for so many people. This is the worst possible time for my brother to have quit his job. I am so worried about myself and what I'm going to live on if I don't have a job. Even if the place I work say I should go back to work on Saturday I don't know if I should or not. The place could be raided at any time.