Quest for my normal

[Elijah]

Hello,

It is 10:40 PM here. I am in my own room. I have a lot of tubes and machines still. I have many visitors come and go. I am sorry there is not anymore ice cream or pizza. Tonight I had matzo ball soup and deli sandwich. I do not like the hospital food except for the fruit. I lost too much weight and they are trying to help me gain so, that I may be stronger for the final surgery. The hospital is a horrible place.

I am looking forward to Brodman visiting me again tomorrow, he promised. Hotspot is also coming to see me on Monday all dressed up. I am so excited about that. I am going to wear his helmet.

I am waiting to hear from Brodman he is on his way to work with Domino. I have been playing virtual chess with him. Do you play chess? maybe we could play?

[Luna-]

I fear I wouldn't be much competition in a chess match! I haven't played since I was at school. (That was a while ago ...) So maybe not.

Sorry to hear you still have tubes and machines. I expect they are necessary, though. I sure wish I had to put on weight, that would be heavenly. Yum. You should get some chocolate. And pastry. And donuts, you have to have a Krispy Kreme! I tasted one while I was visiting the USA and it was the best I have ever tasted. There are actually a few good things to come out of America. (Teasing ... )

It's wonderful that Hotspot is coming to visit you! Tell him to post on the thread again. You'll be the one who brings people back together.

What are the things you hate about the hospital? Feel free to make a list of them.

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Elijah,

Keep eating, you need to keep up your strength. As Luna says there is a reason for the neccesary monitors, IV's etc. I love ice cream and I like Luna haven't played much chess in a long time and my kids could probably beat me

I am really happy you are being visited by Brodman and Hotspot. Tell them Hi from me and I am looking forward to not only them but you as well Elijah to keep posting here with us.

I guess I'm not quite sure why you said you wouldn't be posting on the site anymore but I sure wish you will stay and be our "virtual" friend...

Luna my daughter used to work for Krispy Kreme about 5 yrs ago when they first opened up the first KK in NJ so it was the place to be!!! But after the initial hype, it has closed and I suspect it could be the very sweetness of the donut and all of the hype of less fat, calories in our world. So if they can make a lite, fat free donut then I think that would be a success....

[Luna-]

There is a way to first poach and then bake a donut. It wouldn't taste the same, though. :)

[IrmaJean]

Coffee ice cream is my favorite. Not sure how well that would go with pizza, though. Maybe vanilla would work better. I like that too.

[Luna-]

The best flavour I have ever tasted is licorice! Sounds strange, but it's delish!

[Lindamomof7]

Never heard of that flavor ice cream here in the states... Maybe italian ice flavor but not ice cream . Sounds deliciousely sweet though if only it was the cherry flavor

[Elijah]

Luna, I wish I could bring everyone back together like they had been. I have not had any luck in that department. I decided to leave it alone instead of possibly making it worse. I am thankful Hotspot will still be visiting me and I doubt I could keep Brodman away if I tried. He is a very funny guy.

I am glad several of you are still here. It is hard finding chess players. Brodman did not know how to play until several weeks ago. He gives me a good run now.

I have never heard of coffee ice cream before. I have had Krispy kreme donuts as well as Dunkin donuts. The bakery I work at makes many donuts and pastries.

Brodman, should be here in a few hours with a lot of food. I am hoping he had a less creepy night at the cemetery.

[Lindamomof7]

Tell them we need some updates on how they are doing?

Oh and do tell us what food he brings!!!

[Luna-]

I can tell brodman is a funny guy by the way he writes. I enjoy your posts, brodman! I have been reading along in this thread:)

Well, Jedidiah, you have done a fine job so far, in bringing people together here. I think the thread is back on track. Shannon, thinking of you ...

[Elijah]

Please do not take anymore of your postings away. This is all upsetting to me. If you keep going you will be in here next.

[Hotspot]

Jedidiah,

Don't worry about it, there isn't anything to be upset over. I'm just taking what is mine and moving on. There are others you post with and will be fine. Unfortunately I can't take all my postings at once and have to go one by one. It will take a bit of time as I do have other things that occupy my time but once done it will be as if they never were. Something that brings more hassle needs to be let go. I don't have to take responsibility for how every other man in the world has acted I don't have to put up with attention seeking soap boxing. I don't have to deal with anyone losing it because of a disagreement. Above all I don't have to put up with crap that really has no basis on my actual life. This place was supposed to be an added benefit and like my wife reminded me when it's not a benefit reevaluating it's position in my life needs to be done.

I will see you tomorrow kid.

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Hotspot, I totally agree with you and this should be a benficial place for all.

I have experienced here on the forum many disagreements, people leave, they come back and I know, I am one of them. I think what has been great about this forum is that no matter who was right, who was wrong, we all win because it is ok to agree to disagree, and be accepted unconditionally. That doesnt mean someone here likes someone more, I think as adults we can find the fine wire to walk on until the balance comes back and is maintained.

I hope we can all just start posting again and find comfort in our daily sharing of our different lives and be happy with that. It seems you may not agree and for me it is ok, I understand but sometimes the extreme reaction is more difficult as we do deal with this type of misunderstanding, personality dislikes, and the consequences of it.

I am replying to you and just saying I have been in your shoes, look at my posting history and you will see almost everything up until a few months ago, erased. So yes I do understand but I have found that these virtual relationships and people here were more important not only for me but for my recovery then an online squabble.

We are all here for the same reason, but we present differently, accept, deny our issues, find fault in others, be judgemental to others, become defensive and many who suffer dearly and being able to share even our conflicts has helped make me and I think many other people here better off to challenge our real life conflicts...

This is not always a one way street here on the forum, sometimes we need certain people to help us through each day and you have been one of them for me....

I hope you will find peace in your life and if you decide to stay or come back, I know I would be happy to help you share, vent or ask for advice. Good luck with whatever you decide... (((hugs)))

[shanrucas]

I have to admit to myself that I have felt hestitant in posting in my own thread that started so long ago...I have realized that I am still on that quest. I greatly apologize for my part of my blowing up, I can't tell you what the days that followed were like. As pointed out to me by a friend that it was not the bipolor part of me reacting but the PTSD. Not that it makes any excuses, but having had it identified has helped. I was so close to walking out my front door and not turning back, don't misunderstand me, there are other things in my life that has also contributed to this wanting run and not come back, not just here but even my home. I sat in my truck and even had it started up and ready to go, cell phone in hand to call my moms caregiver that she needed to come be with mom, that I was going and not coming back. thats how bad it felt.

I will be honest here, I am still trying to put the pieces back together, still crying, heart racing and wondering what the feeling would be like to just to take off and cut loose, throw it all away. So I have lots yet to work on.

My whole reaction totolly took me by surprise, makes me wonder if it was there waiting inside all this time. I had thought I had it layed to rest the original cause of my PTSD many many years ago, more like 20 years...guess I was wrong.

Those of you who I have always called friend and offered a shoulder to cry on and also share laughs with will be here...If you choose not to post here anymore I will do my best to understand. but I will hold you dear in my heart and will be thinking of you often..........providing I don't give in and runaway and join the circus.

Shannon

[randomperson]

This is not always a one way street here on the forum, sometimes we need certain people to help us through each day and you have been one of them for me....

I hope you will find peace in your life and if you decide to stay or come back, I know I would be happy to help you share, vent or ask for advice. Good luck with whatever you decide... (((hugs)))

Great post. The unconditional acceptance.. it is so true and so rare to find anywhere. It is what is lacking in society but what is so needed. It is good to see people still posting. And i am very glad to see Jedidiah up and about posting again Wishing everyone the best. So many of you have helped me at different times.

[shanrucas]

I agree that Linda what Linda posted was so well said.

As for me I must move on after surviving my last "episode". Put the pieces back together. I get a lot from this community. I love the supportive nature everyone has here, whether one agrees or not. Thats the beauty of it really.

I had a wonderful morning all to myelf and took a little trail ride on my horse, the weather was good and it really cleared my head. When I got home all was well and I was able to take about a two hour nap...felt so good. Now I must get on to business as usual, hope I get another break soon.

Thanks to all who have chosen to remain

Shannon

[shanrucas]

OH OH...here I go,,wild rollercoaster ride..wheee, I hope the landing isn't to hard. It should be over quickly...just can't sleep right now.

yoo hoo, anyone out there, or has this thread been totally abandon and Im just talking to myself...which is ok, Im kinda good at it, I can easily entertain myself. I often have long discussions with myself anyway.

[Lindamomof7]

haha Shannon, OK are you a little manic here or what :eek:

Ok just posted in Jim's thread ok I think we need to combine these 2 threads or something cause I just posted over there and you know what? I am just going to copy and paste what I just wrote!!!! I'm not that manic to go typing all that again!!!

Talked to my therapist last night about the situation here on the forum with the "conflict" that went on and I think she was proud that I didn't end up reacting like I used to. Chalk that up to where I am in cycling, or that I am really getting a hang of dealing with conflict. Something I have always had a problem with.

I have in the past reacted and it afffected me just like the torture you went through Shannon and I am soooo glad you are feeling better. Usually when I come out of a severe episode as you just did, or like I went through last week over something else, I end up heading from depression to manic in 2 seconds flat. So I totally get that you are feeling a manic episode....

So Jim I do sympathise with you about retreating to your own thread. You made the best of a really twisted situation and I am very proud of you. And Shannon, I am also very grateful and proud of you for being able to work through a very personal reaction and I knew the firefighter was still in there somewhere and good for you for coming back and not pissing on the tree for territory rights... hehe sorry everyone, inside joke...

[Luna-]

It's easy to merge threads, so just say so and it can be done. OTOH, it might be nice to have two places with two different conversations about two different things? It's entirely up to you.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Luna, well they are not my threads, so I have no say at all. I think Jim and Shannon needs their identity right now and I think it is a great thing.... I guess I will just be doing alot of copy and pasting:p

So what time is it by you? Are you up at a normal time in neck of the woods?

[shanrucas]

Linda, I just can't hide anything from you, still feeling a little manic, maybe I can get my horses stalls cleaned at a faster paste.

I think its sweet of you to want to combine Jims thread with this one, but the one we have been posting in the lounge I think we should keep separate for now. His thread there is like a break to talk about our dreams and what we would like to be doing.

I would like to keep this one here in bipolor forum, for those who would like to discuss those issues or for anyone who wants to talk about any issues they maybe having,,,,course a little sillines is always a welcome.

Whata think.

PS...Thank you for setting an example for me in reacting to conflict situations and pointing out my reaction to me...it truly helpedl

[shanrucas]

As suspected, I was feeling pretty darn good clear up to this morning, and now I am so down it hurts to even move, The energy has just has been drained from me. I don't want to do anything, but I have to force myself to get up cause I still must take care of mom.....Oh when will this ever end.

[shanrucas]

I can't seem to eat much either, its been three days and anytime I eat, I feel sick..maybe I am, I need someone to take care of me for a change, Im not doing such a good job of it right now.

[shanrucas]

I am thinking it must be time to lay this thread to rest, I mean I could keep it going myself, but apparently no one feels safe or comfortable to post here anymore. This makes me sad, but we all must move on.

I have another thread I had started awhile ago, where I totally spilled my life out, maybe I will start posting on it.....we'll see still not thinking with all my brain right now.

I just can't bare to be alone on here anymore:(

[Luna-]

This sounds like the depression that follows a mania, Shannon. All the stress and emotion, both from your life and from here, is making you swing rather wildly - that sort of thing does it to me too. It will right itself and smooth out, it'll just need a little time.

It sounds like you don't feel comfortable in this thread any more. You could consider starting a new one if the recent events have affected this one too much? You and Linda could start off and I am sure others will come and join in.

I don't know your time zone but I'm guessing you are about 10 hours behind me? I am GMT +2. That makes it 2 am your time. Hope you can get some sleep ...