Quest for my normal

[shanrucas]

Linda, so good to hear from you I figured you were extremely busy. I don't know how you do it..You are showing such strength, I still pray that all goes well for you and that they take all the problems away ((((hugs))))

My day turned to dark depression, I just fed mom her dinner and then a crying jag came on..I even went outside to my truck so that I could just let her rip so she wouldn't beaware of it. I made phone calls around, no help so far, I am afraid that it's cause my mom needs so much care. I sat in my truck thinking at least in the end of all this, they can't take my truck or my dogs,,thank god I have a canopy on it, it could be handy. I know that I am obsessing to much about things that have yet to come. I think its the depression....damn still can't stop crying, can't stand that. It's like all the strength has been sucked right out of me. lol I even bought lottery tickets the other day.

To top it off, I recieve my packet for SSDI for determination, so many pages and pages, I can't make sense out of it, not to mention they ask questions that my memory isn't much help..I am going to have to seek help to fill this "booK" out. It stresses me to even look at it.

When see what Linda and Jedidiah are going through I feel like Im being selfish having my own pity party.

Well I will talk with you all later, I don't know what I would do without you guys, I just wish you weren't so far away. Right now I think I need to go sit in my truck again.

shannon

[brodman]

Linda Shanrucas I feel real bad for both of yous sorry I dont have anything to say to make you feel better. My problems are walk in park compared to what you all are dealin with. One of things I do like about you guys in this thread is that its not a top that real comparin sorrows type thing everyone just talks and trys to offer help if possible. All the medical stuff mental stuff havin to care for others maybe why I keep myself busy workin and without many relationships. That old shrink I went to meet told me he thinks I work as much as I do to not have to deal with the past he might be right Hotspot maybe thats what you do too with workin and havin a million kids and a wife. I would think comin to a place like this that you could talk about stuff that bothers you even if its from a decade ago.

It was a horrible day for the world actually being there well I can only imagine. Besides you talkin about your kids you dont seem to talk about any of the stuff that bothers you from back then. I dont know if this forum is the place or if there is a forum here for that day I looked didnt see one. Kind of anything goes here though you help so many people why not let others help you? Anyway like shanrucas I too am honered to call you a friend.

btw Jedidiah is now in a regular room they wanted to move him from the icu to the ccu but his shrink worked it out so he could go to regular private room the intesity and movements of the icu and ccu are overwhelming for him. He is pretty drugged up but hoping he will come chat with us all again. He says he misses you all and was wondering about Luna told him to come post to her no idea where she usually posts though. I dont post in any of the other forums here most seem dead or not welcomin like this ongoin thread shanrucas started

Something is wrong with Domino and he woke me up think he ate somethin he shouldnt of. Anyway I forgot to ask how court went today for you and mrs hotspot?

[shanrucas]

Brodman, I agree that this forum is a good place to talk about the issues that we never talk about in the outside world, even if they are just random thoughts. I feel a sense of belonging here as opposed to some of the other places I go. When Im with more horses I don't feel that the world is closing in around me, but when I am all closed up in the house I need an outlet and this has provided that for me, not to mention bouncing ideas off others.

so, all and all, do you think this old shrink is going to be of some help to you? or is it to early to tell. Anyway I hope it works out.

As far as trying to get a message to Luna, have you tried PMing her? Another way would to post something in annoucement section. title it update on Elijih. That will get everyone concerned about him attention. Just at thought.

Shannon....PS. It pleases me that you feel comfortable on this thread.

[brodman]

Jedidiah was the one askin me that Ill let him know. He can pm or write what he wants when he is back on

As for the old shrink I did go and meet him I dont know if Im gonna return or not he was not a tool but he is old and asks a lot of questions he also sent 2 emails and called 3 times. Im gonna see if he minds Domino comin with me if he has problem with that then he probably isnt the shrink for me.

[Hotspot]

I hope Domino is OK, better watch that guy he could eat the house.

Court was a pleasant surprise because neither my wife or I really thought it would be the finale. It all has dragged on for a while. He is officially ours now although legally finalised he was really always ours since his return several years ago. My wife and I kept it all very basic with him and did not go into a lot of the details over the years. Today he knew we were going to court and this was the second time out of several appearances that the Judge asked for him to accompany us. As we left he turned to my wife and told her I can't believe I had to miss art today and get all dressed up so, they could tell me you guys are my parents. Are they slow or something?

Brodman, I don't get into certain things here even though it was one of the reasons I finally joined after reading for quite a while. Besides this little area with the gals and now you an Jedidiah I don't feel comfortable around here. I had started a blog with the intention of trying to write somethings there however, I never got into anything and lost interest. I have a difficult time figuring out what I should and shouldn't write about that time. I suppose it's become easier to not try. I've been given suggestions to write it out without showing anyone but that seems like a waste of time. Writing it out here I'd have to worry about the triggering and the wording, deal with the dozens that read this thread everyday without even saying hi to anyone. I like the handful of friends I've made here but can't add how something of that nature I might write could affect them. Too much on the plate already.

Not sure if any of that made sense. I am very tired another night of nightmares for me and my new kid.

Wishing you all well.

[shanrucas]

Hotspot, I certainly understand your discomfort for you to share the things you have gone through, especially on that dreadful day. I want you to understand that even though I was a volunteer firefighter I had to do the same things as any career firefighter, ie training and such. I have been on many horrific calls, just when you think you have seen everything, something else happens..and you think to yourselft "I didn't even know that was possible"..Even though I wasn't there on that dreadful day I can only imagine what an impact it would leave you with.

I want you to know that if you ever need to you can PM me. I won't be triggered by anything you may have to say. It seems my triggers surround abuse and certain people, but some odd reason the days of firefighting has not left me with triggers,,,I don't know why, I have been exposed to so many abnormal situations and memories can be triggered my sounds, or smells, but for some reason I can acknowledge them and go from there...I don't know why.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Boy you guys were busy posting while I went to sleep

Glad Jedidiah is doing well and hope Domino is ok as well...

Shannon and Hotspot I sure hope you do find the ways to vent and write what you think and feel. I sure undeerstand your not wanting to trigger but we are here even if it is a PM to someone. Have you guys just tried an ongoing daily log on your computer with wordpad aor microsoft word. It would be your own document that you just keep adding to. I think I will start that as my therapist thinks I should do some writing... Some how it is good for the soul....

Hang in there Shannon you can vent and cry all you want. I think that too is good for the soul. I believe we are like computers, sometimes we need to get rebooted and get a new fresh perspective on things and without it it feels like a bad virus just dragging us down and making us slow...

Everyone hang in there today....

[brodman]

congratulations mr and mrs hotspot with the adoption goin well cant blame the kid for sayin what he did Kids gots ways of puttin stuff that is to the point and funny anyway I understand what your sayin about talkin here shanrucas makes good suggestion about talkin in private but if you rather do it here Id listen not lots bothers me and if others cant read it then they shouldnt just my thoughts on that this is supposed to be place for everyone to talk not only select few

Domino is doin beter took him to vet turns out dopey kids from next door fed him gummy bears Id talked with their mother back in the summer because then they were given him oreo cookies they are only kids dont know better but their mother is dopey lets little kids do whatever they want they are always out in all kinds of weather I cant wait till spring to get better fence up kind of rethinking the fence idea thinking maybe go with siderblocks and then have mural painted on it

that old shrink I met I sent reply to his last email askin if he minded if Domino comes with me to another appointment he replied sayin he wouldnt mind at all actually would really like to meet the guy I talk a lot about so Im gonna go on Monday with Domino maybe things can work out with this guy he definetly is different then that other guy or twitty lady that repeated everything I said back to me

[watercolor]

Hello everyone. Sorry I haven't said anything/frequented the forums in a while.

Shannon, I am really sorry about what you are going through. I haven't read all or even, probably, most of the stuff that has been posted here since I've been to this site, but what I have read of yours...well I don't know what to say, I guess, except that I am truly sorry things are so rough now. I wish you the best.

[shanrucas]

Welcome back Watercolor, you have been missed. And thank you for your concerns. I know everyone wishes that could help, but the support I get from everyone here such as yourself does wonders believe me.

How have things been? Is everything going ok? Looking forward to chatting with you again.

Shannon

[Luna-]

Did someone call? Yes, I was eavesdropping.

Hi everyone, sorry to barge in.

Brodman, would you tell Jedidiah that I will see any thread that has my name in the title? Or he can PM me. And I always check his own thread and will check for any replies he has made in this one, so I can keep up with him. I am glad he got his own room and not the ICU or CCU. Those places are hectic and machines are always beeping and the tensions high because there is more "life-and-death" stuff than in other wards. I don't blame him for wanting to get out of there. Tell him I'm thinking of him and I'll bet the nurses are making eyes at him.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Luna by all means barge in and continue to do so. The more the merrier.....

I hope you are feeling better (((LUNA)))

[Luna-]

Thanks, Linda.

[brodman]

OK Luna I will let Jedidiah know goin in a few minutes to see him. It is good he got off the fast units wasnt helpin his anxiety none. Hes gonna have to go back in like a week Everyone really likes him and a few nurses one thats really hot visits him even on the other units Hopefully he will be less drugged up cuz its hard to understand him when he goes from talkin english to dutch all in same sentence Anyway I gotta go have to stop and pick up several snacks dr and his shrink say he has to eat more he was pale stick figure when I had met him but hes lost more weight he dont need to be losin he needs to be puttin it on

Later Hotspot shanrucas linda I gotta tell you guys about watchin the dead last night some real creepy stuff happened Im starting to understand why most never made it past doin the job a few weekends. As long as they keep payin me my 87.50 a night and none of the dead want to gobble up all my snacks Im not goin anywhere still some real creepy stuff though

[shanrucas]

Hi Luna, you can visit this thread anytime, I respect and value your opinion and any suggestions you have. I feel you are a valued member of this community.

I can't wait to hear your ghost stories Brodman:eek:

I get to have a 2 hour break today, cause a former employee is going to volunteer her time today to sit with mom. Boy, I sure need it. more than likely I going to go play with my horses and see my friends that I don't get to see that often anymore.

Everyone have a good day.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Hey guys, I would love to hear about your ghostly stuff Brodman. Shannon, enjoy your time. You sure really could use it!!!

Hey why don't everyone head on over to Corvettes thread in the "Lounge" we are taking a virtual trip ice skating with a bonfire and hot cocoa. PARTYYYYY!!!

Think you all can make it?? Go on over and visit!!!

[brodman]

Its so nice you got time for yourself shanrucas did you go see your horses?

linda hope you had nice time with virtual skate party

ok this might take edits before I get it all down cuz Im at work. Last night showed up regular time and a little while after bein here decided to take first stroll of night to get it out of the way. There is still lots of snow here but its mostly been dozed to the outter perimeters I go for path stroll everything looks ok then go for golf cart ride over to the old part of cemetery all good again Get back to my little hut its like mini house on property desk bathroom cot fridge micro phone 15 surveillance cameras that capture pretty much every aspect of the monstrous property The little house is in between 4 rows of stones on the way back to the hut all you see in the snow is mine and Dominos footprints get back in the hut to warm up put down time of the walk and dig into my snacks.

Domino is not a barker at home he will bark if someone is outside the house etc but123 times maximum He starts goin nuts last night like someone is right outside door I look on cameras not a soul is around besides the motion sensors would have been tripped long before gettin to the little house. He starts up again a few minutes later I figure maybe he needs to go out normally he just sits near the door leading out no barking who knows maybe hes really gotta go

Get the coat and stuff on and out we go he makes mad dash for that stone he finds interesting as Im makin my way over there I notice there are now a smaller persons shoeprints that wasnt there before and more odd is that it started a few stones away and ended a few stones away unless someone got dropped right there no way for their not to be more footprints I take out my cell take a few pictures and what I saw was on the screen The rest of the night nothin happens get home to drop off Domino and take nap fast shower before goin to visit Jedidiah while In the shower decided to get last nights pictures and others off my phone

when I got out of the shower all the photos I wanted to transfer to mcard and those I wanted to print are all done BUT the footprint ones are no where to be found

[shanrucas]

Ok Brodman, I got chills up and down my back and the back of my neck. I sure do wish Domino could tell us more. All I can say is wow and I am glad you have Domino with you. This is so fasinating and I could see why so many can't handle the job, but my curosity is even more so. Do me a favor and start writing these strange occurances down, if you have time.

Yes, I got to spend time with my horses and saw some of my friends that I don't see during the week. Didn't have enough time to ride, but it was nice just the same.

mom was in good spirits today, I was giving her dinner and then I got a bad case of the hiccups, she thought that was hilarious and kept laughing. I told her I was glad to entertain her.

[Lindamomof7]

Ok Brodman

you sure have some really crazy stuff going on there. Shannon is right maybe you should keep a journal....

And the pictures? Hmmm when you took them did you check and review them after you took them?And so where did they go? hmmm interesting, very interesting.... I would keep checking into that, there must be something paranormal going on there. Are there any graves that are children? Do you think it was a childs footprint? Who is in the grave where the tracks started?

Glad you saw your frineds Shannon, where is the guy that had been hanging around? Awesome that you and your Mom bonded over hiccups!!!!

Hey Luna where are you??????

[58corvette]

That definitley sounds a bit Spooky. I have had a Few events usually after a dear one of mine has passed away or is dying that I never have been quite able to explain? Although I have always had my Views and Thoughts on them & why. Have'nt had any in quite a while though.

Very Interesting; keep us updated.

[Lindamomof7]

I believe in the paranormal spirits that are here with us. I have had too many encounters myself and so have my kids so I do believe in ghosts!!! For instance, on a regular basis there is a cat or small dog spirit that keeps us company in my living room. As we sit in the family room we all see it walking around ...

I would really love to ask the old owner sif they ever encountered it as well or if it is something we only have seen and we brought to this house...

[58corvette]

I have had Several. Involving my Brother, Uncle & Grandma. Maybe I will go into a little more detail later. Good; Not Bad Stuff!!! : )

[Lindamomof7]

Yeah here too. I just think they are always around us and sometimes we can feel/see them....

[shanrucas]

After my father passed, I felt his spirit everywhere, it was comforting. I was in the basement of the house I grew up in and I heard him whistling as he often did when he was working on a project...it was just me in the basement and it was a warm summer day..and no wind.

I have felt a lot of comfort lately posting with all of you, I am in good spirits and mom and I are having fun joking around...Thank you all of you for being here for me. When I first came to this community I never thought I would such wonderful friendships.

[58corvette]

Shannon what a touching story. I to will ALWAYS remember My Dear Dad Piddling Away at Projects in His Garage.

To Both Fine Ladies; Shannon & Linda; The feeling is Mutual you have helped & Enriched my Life.

Sincerely; Jim