figuring things out

[randomperson]

When I realized last night that seeing that all of this might have been my fault with the phone it caused a small trigger for me.

The bad part about the whole rejection phobia and my issues with dating. The negative false thoughts I have to fight against is "It is my fault".

Sorry Corvette last night I was a bit in trigger state from the feeling it was my fault again.. that yet again I blew a chance with a great woman. When I am like that I panic in a way.

Logically the only option I see I have if I have any is a text. Which limits me to 160 characters to get my point across.

Would it be wise or should I just leave it be is the question I struggle with. My gut feeling on things is so broken I never go with it lol. It is normally 50/50 right/wrong haha.

Thank you for talking with me last night about it. As I said I was in 'my mood' lol, and it meant a lot to have someone to talk with about it.

[58corvette]

Random; you & I have been there for each other on this Site through quite a bit. It is NOT your fault & you Have'nt Blown Anything. And you have nothing to be Sorry to me about. I UNDERSTAND.

As far as Text, if you decide; you dont have to limit yourself to just One Single text to Express your Thoughts & Feelings. Although you may want to Start Initually with a Few words to The Point explaining to Her the Problems associated with what you Accidently did with your Cell Phone.

Your Human & Mistakes Happen. As Long as your Genuine, Sincere & Truthful you have than done your best.

So let me ask you; Would you regret More if you Dont Try Again & Continue Wondering? Or just Try, see what happens (Live & Deal with any Possible Rejection) and go from there?

You'll Never know unless you at least attempt; Correct? and you may feel better about yourself?

Sincerely & The Best.

Jim

[randomperson]

Working after a lot to try and get caught up.

Busy is good though.. kinda exciting. The people I am going to work for seem very positive about my role in the company. I think I have a chance to really grow which is what I thrive in!

Your right. I likely do need to do something. Guessing texting is the best. Sure not going back up there lol.. and a VM would be odd after all this time.

Perhaps I will go over it here 1st so I will know I'm not writing something dumb and feel horrible about it after it is sent.. like I often do..

Right now though back to work lol. Man being salary at times like this stinks hahaha.

..PS THANK YOU!!

[randomperson]

Came home late after spending 3 hours extra at work again and mom was talking to a social worker to help her. At first I thought this was a good thing, that maybe they would find someway to get her around other people and doing things.

So I went to talk to her and something happened where she said keep doing this and you will never be able to find a woman or something to that effect.

That hurt me deeply as it is my greatest fear that I am so messed up, causing all these problems.. and that she is right.. I always felt she was right..

I just walked out when she said that.

She knows the areas I'm weak in and makes sure to point them out when she is mad.. guess we all do that to a certain extent that it is human nature.. but man it is difficult when I already fight against these same thoughts so much... this is what I'm used to.. what people are normally like that I am around.. this is why I was a little confused (and very grateful) for unwavering support here even when I am weak for an extended period of time

Later when I brought her dinner and sat down we got in a fight over it.

All the time she is mad saying I don't spend enough time around her.

We was off and on fussing all night, her insulting me but nothing too serious. Still it was very stressful when put onto everything else.

At the end I asked her if she wanted to go out that I would be glad to take her out. She said no her health prevents her from doing so.

Frustrating.

She was stable before, not happy but stable. I don't know what that social worker said but it made her worse emotionally. I'm sure he saw the clutter thinking I'm not doing my part not knowing she freaks if I attempt to clean it.

No telling what all they talked about.

I'm already on edge hardly making any progress emotionally. I can't take very much of this type of stress and pressure right now.

[58corvette]

Wow. Random my Friend I am Truly Sorry about Your Stress, Mom's Issues & Predicament.

Please don't get me wrong again (and I'm just trying to Help with insight); after reading all that; Do you think your relationship with your Mom & Issues & Treatment with you; Can also be Hindering any Relationship with A Woman?

Sounds to me like Mom's a bit Selfish & Controlling in regards to Your Own Life & any possible Relationship that I Know You Long For.

[randomperson]

Thank you. I just needed to vent that night. She was better the next day, said she didn't mean it.

She is deeply depressed and gets cranky some days from the pain. (Though I do think that social worker stirred her up!)

She wasn't like this as much when I was younger and she was beat on.. but my step father was. It has been hard building my self esteem up because of it. And your right especially in the past it has hindered my social growth.. she kept me isolated most of the time minus scouts in which she was always there. I could but won't go into so many stories, but I am focusing on the good more now

Trying to fight the good fight. Looking for reasons to hope and things I can do now to get better.

I thought of what you said and I made up my mind to do something to try one last time to talk to that woman. I'm too back and forth on this though.. I need to make up my mind what I want to do believe in it and simply go for it.

Live my life with no regrets. Went by it for the last 5 years and it has hurt me lol.. but never let me down. The regrets I have now or things I could never change.. unlike most of my regrets from the past.

How are things for you?

[58corvette]

Im doing Ok. Thanx

And hope all goe's Well for You & Your Mom.

And Whatever Decision you Make in regards to the Lady.

The Best

Sincerely; Jim

[Athena]

Random, I just hopped back on to your thread. Regarding the check out girl - nothing ventured, nothing gained. I agree with Jim, send her a text explaining what happened. What have you got to lose?

[randomperson]

I will.. was going to already but got I huge bump that appeared out of now where on my face. Trying to let that heal and hoping I have not waited too long already.

[randomperson]

Wishing everyone a Happy Easter!

Thanks again to everyone for being who you are and for your continued support and friendships.

[58corvette]

Back At Ya My Friend!!!

Sincerely; Jim

[randomperson]

Just giving everyone heads up this will be the last week I will be able to post in the AM on week days. Be moving to the new location next week.

Work is going well. All that overtime is paying off. Getting caught up.

Found out my new pay.. and I approve

On the opposite end of things thinking of trying things out the the cashier one last time today.. we will see.

It very well could have been a problem with my phone causing the problems between me and her.. had a few such cases as of late..

Well hoping for the best!

[58corvette]

Go My Friend Go;

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! :cool:

[randomperson]

Well she wasn't there so I just decided to text her.

No reply so I will move on.

She helped me.. a lot and I am grateful.

No worries, no regrets.

[58corvette]

Ok Than;

You Said it All. You Tried; She Helped.

No Worries & No Regrets.............

[Athena]

Well Random, this is odd. For once, I have absolutely NOTHING to say. Yup, nothin in my noggin. But just wanted to let you know I was wondering how you were doing and was thinking about you. Congrats on the salary increase!

[randomperson]

Well Random, this is odd. For once, I have absolutely NOTHING to say. Yup, nothin in my noggin. But just wanted to let you know I was wondering how you were doing and was thinking about you. Congrats on the salary increase!

Thank you! Hope you are well. How are you BTW?

Oh the lady did write a txt back today but it was odd.

original message I mentioned that they might be hiring where I am at and asked if she might be interested said I could tell her more about the open spots if she was, then mentioned the fact my VM wasn't working like we all discussed.

Her reply back was one sentence: "What was that?"

???

Could have so many meanings both good and bad lol.

Could be asking about the positions, or a snarky remark on me writing her.. no telling. Or literal confusion lol.

Why is everything always so tricky hahaha.

[Athena]

Aha, I see what you mean - no facial clues :confused: or is it 'cues'? I guess both work.

[randomperson]

One thing I am a bit shamed to say.. but likely need to talk about because of such. I hang on to past feelings too much.

I know it is in my head as well. Know the truth and I am getting better about it but I wonder what is the cause. Every hang up I have I found is rooted from something. Slowly I have peeled away the layers found the problems and then found solutions but this is an issue I have yet to talk about or even tackle.

For example though way muffled and light I still have some feelings for my ex.

I am ashamed of it.. to even mention it. She treated me like garbage, took my money then dropped me.. even ignores me yet I care. Nothing will become of it no worries there.. but I need to figure out why I can't let it go as it isn't normal.

The woman I fell in love with in high school I was heartbroken for 5 years before I got over her, yet I never went on a single date with her. Same way couldn't get her out of my mind.

Now I have grown a lot.. it is just ghost feelings now, mainly wondering if I caused the break up, slightly blaming myself.. forgetting the harm she caused and blaming myself for everything. Blaming my emotional issues more than anything. Not romantic love at all anymore.

Which is new growth for me normally this type of longing is based in romantic feelings and is obsessive behavior. Now the feeling is more missing the friendship and not wanting to feel rejected by them not for good that is.

(Maybe it is rooted in my fear of losing everyone??)

It is difficult to post this as it is something I am very ashamed of, but I have been like this a long time and I believe if I am going to totally heal I need to tell all my problems.

Main question what is the cause for these thoughts?

This has nothing to do with my current state. I'm feeling good for once

Just proactive emotional growth.

[randomperson]

Last weekday I will be able to write during day hours. Still be on weekends and afternoons though Going to miss it as it gave me peace during the day and made me more productive as a result.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Random,

We will miss you during the weekdays but at least we can have you during evenings and weekends.

Also, speaking for myself and giving my opinion, sometimes trying to look into the "why" of things is not helpful. And, anyway, I'm sorry you feel ashamed but it seems to me you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

Allan

[Athena]

Random,

It sounds like you have trouble letting go. Almost as if thinking about these women will somehow keep the relationship alive. You want to be with somebody so badly that you hold onto the memory of the last one just to avoid facing the pain of loneliness? Just some thoughts.

Hey, this relationship stuff ain't always easy. I've had six months talking about relationship problems in therapy, was told I wasn't ready, got involved anyway by accident and in the space of three weeks managed to blow it up. (well, actually friends for a few months before it changed character to be more precise). Back to friends again (that's what he wanted) but then he wrestles with that because now that we've patched things up, his old feelings come creeping back. I see where we went wrong and the problems are not immediately fixable so I am sticking to his wishes yet this is still a problem for him. Honestly, is it not possible to have a completely platonic relationship with the opposite sex? In fact Random, I was going to suggest you start with platonic as a baby step but now I'm not so sure it's possible.

[randomperson]

Thank you both for such great messages. To Allan your right sometimes over analyzing things causes much me more harm than good.. but I realized it is who I am.

Though it may harm me there are certain core traits each of us have that is so embedded we can not ignore it. Many examples I would have been better off to leave things alone.. and some I tried but eneded up making things worse by not being able to. So I try to deal with the issue in a productive healthy way.

I found if I truly learn the cause of my problems I can often understand who I am and ways to improve.. sometimes heal from it. That is what I am hoping for on this. So what can be a huge problem can also be a very positive thing in my life, but it is all about balance.

And it means a lot to hear you say I have nothing to be ashamed about..

I have always heard people say I should move on.. epesically after time has passed. My inabilty to do so mentally strikes a nerve in many ways.

I know I need to every time.

Holding on to someone that does not love you back is painful and I do not care to have those feelings.

To Athena you very well might be right it does fit my patterns.

Seems like I only let go when I think I find love again... but the emotions thoughts are blurry on this so I can't be for sure.

What it means I'm not sure but it is something to think about.

I can make normal friends with women.. in fact it is all I ever have lol.

I have found typically 30 or over difference in age there is no tension it is just straight up friends. Under that normally there can be some type of sexual tension. In most cases it doesn't cause problems but I can PM you some events in my life where it did if you think it will help you relate and learn from my experiences. Typically I have the opposite problem though missing out on the romance lol.

[Athena]

Thanks, I'd like to hear about them, I'll watch for your PM then.

[randomperson]

Been swamped typically getting home after 6 now with tons of chores to do when I get home. Sorry I have not had a chance to write yet. Hopefully will this weekend