figuring things out

[Athena]

BTW for the first time in a pretty good while I am feeling ok just being me and where I am

Large part has to do with the lessons I have been learning.

Wow, that's pretty amazing. I'm happy for you Random.

[randomperson]

Love everyone's posts. Thank you to everyone for your support. If not for everyone here I would be in a totally different place right now emotionally.

Interesting thing I did accept the FR. She is very sweet and we have a lot in common. The bad part she is getting away from domestic violence, just found that out this morning. Seems like abusive men always keep popping up in my life in some manner. I should do a poll for what punishments should be dealt for domestic violence. My vote goes to castration

At this point in life I realize there is no such thing as a safety net anymore for anyone. A series of tragic events can take away any security for the average person. So I am taking one day at a time just knowing the future will always be uncertain. I am glad I have this forum and my faith. Both things have made all the difference towards my mental health right now.

[randomperson]

Hmm interesting. I read a few of her FB wall things and it seems like the domestic violence is pretty intense even now. This is def a trigger for me.

I think it was even with my ex. I feel my thoughts muddling a bit and my anxiety building. Not enough to where I can not control it but still I have found a major trigger point. Odd things were so clear before, now I wonder what should I do? Wonder what her feelings are.. and I think the domestic violence issue triggered it all.

[randomperson]

Ok I figured out another piece to the puzzle. Abuse in any form is a major trigger for me. It intensifies all my emotions and puts me in protector mode.

By that I mean where I want to keep others safe from harm at any cost.

Hmmm understanding this perhaps it was wrong of me to post in threads dealing with this as my thoughts are not as rational dealing with these topics.

Well at least she will likely ignore me like all the rest do... so in a few weeks the thoughts will clear and I can analyze and start to learn some lessons from this experience.

[Lindamomof7]

............

[randomperson]

Thank you. Going through that slight mind buzz where the emotions are amplified and it is a semi panic attack feeling right now, but at least I am semi legible and aware what caused it. Growth!

It seemed like I was hitting it off too, both of our lives has been one disaster after another. Granted she hasn't rejected me yet, but seeing the reactions this is causing I don't see how any woman would want me in this state. Rats lol.

Live and learn, live and learn.

[randomperson]

This is interesting. Perfect time for me to figure out how to cut these odd bouts of moodiness out, just unsure what to do. Read a post I thought would be uplifting but instead got me feeling more down. I totally realize I don't fit into today's dating culture. Prefer not to talk about that subject but it is a bit of a downer during this heightened state I am in. Well hopefully all of this will go away soon. just got to wait it out..

I do find it funny anytime I say I am feeling better something happens to challenge that lol. Got to learn to keep quite ;P

Ok tried positive thinking no go, been very busy helps but doesn't take the tired funky feeling away. Right now I am guessing you just do have to wait it out and not do anything drastic during it all. I can tell it is easing which is good news.

[Athena]

I was thinking today that we've got to start putting ourselves in face to face environments where there are emotionally balanced people who are not bad for us. Because if we leave it up to chance, I think the "caretaker" in us takes over and we end up getting drawn to people who need major help, who end up dragging us into their mess. (and I'm not talking about here, where I consider that we are helping each other OUT of our respective messes:D).

Also, I for one need to start changing my focus. The danger with being in crisis, having lots of time to think and having therapy 4x/week is that everything just gets so dark because the "focus" is all on fixing problems. There's no joy in that. And it's certainly hard to pull yourself out of it when that becomes everything.

Today I came out of therapy with a little more positive focus (it's been a while). OK, there's one positive thing I can say. What went right for you today Random?

[randomperson]

Actually got through that odd spot and feeling pretty good. I gained some great knowledge for one of the cornerstone's I was missing to help me.

All this time it was right in front of me what was throwing me in a loop over and over. I have handled all sorts of pain before.. that was what was so confusing. The sweet spot that gets me so off is the combination of abuse and rejection hitting at the same time. And I can understand why this was the base emotions that were warped as I was growing up.

I would say 90% of the times I have be backsliding.. going a bit nuts.. this was the reason. maybe knowing this I can start to really change! I hope so..

Several aha! moments this week. That is some very positive stuff.

[Lindamomof7]

Good for you Random you are having lots of AHA moments I hope they keep coming for you

[randomperson]

I never have really been stable enough before when I going through extreme times to pay attention to what was causing it. Still a long way from 'normal' lol. But any growth at the spot that I am at I will sure take

Athena your right it does seem like often we get pulled into other people's ..'issues'.

I am being very careful with this new friend. She has went through more than me and I feel bad for her, but something off with her at spots. I think what she is going through is about to break her emotionally.

Friendship given trust earned.

Everytime I don't respect that rule I regret it.

[randomperson]

I guess right now my biggest challenge is dealing with the anger, lack of trust and aftermath from these feelings of extreme betrayal.

After helping save someone from a really bad life and having them turn around and hurt you as deeply as they can it is hard to understand how and why.

This is the 2nd time this has happened in my life as well. We saved the man that was married to my grandmother's life.. then just a few years later he left her to die and we went through a very nasty divorce with her mind slipping fast through it all.

Speaking of all of this, as I was breaking contact Mom found out through a bank receipt I helped her. She wouldn't let up and insisted I write and ask for the money back. It was over already so I didn't mind. Weeks later she mentioned it again and said the only reason she did that was to ensure that they would never contact me again, that she knew they wouldn't give any of it back. Then I saw her smirk, I can't get that look out of my mind. Again it was over already.. it just hurt to feel used yet again.. and by her of all people, the one person I felt would never do something like that. Again I was being manipulated. Lately I am struggling with trust issues and a ton of inner anger/ loss of all hopes and dreams.

Getting tired of seeing good people ran over by bad ones. Getting tired of being hurt myself.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe my emotional problems are not "all" linked to abuse and rejection. Or maybe somehow I am still holding on to parts of those pains and that is what is keeping me on edge.. keeping me from improving.

I just see these people living normal family lives with problems, but coping and being happy. I wonder how they do it and if I can ever reach that spot.

Wonder if their lives have as many problems as ours, if mentally I am different.. I just don't know.

Part of my extreme anger my ex was worse than me in problems I pulled her out 4 or 5 times out of messes she made. She wasn't handling it or coping well she was going to have things very rough. But now that I helped her life is going great she is living it up, partying with healthy relationships and a large family. Ms. popularity. I guess I am jealous in a way. I know I need to let go and that these thoughts are very wrong, but I don't know how.

I tell myself let go.. think of other things but the anger and thoughts keep coming back.. because it links with all the other betrayals and pains. She has became the face of so many that have hurt me. I tell these inner thoughts because I do know they are wrong and I need help getting better.. getting past this.

I am trying to let go of the bad things, the doubts.. the anger.. the worries.. the bitterness. Trying my best to do right.. to make the right choices.. to stay positive.. it is just so hard sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if the growth is in my head or real. I think I have improved a lot. Even my mom noticed I have been kicking out of my depressions faster.. so I guess that is something.

Had over $1000 worth of house expenses things breaking down again last week.

Had so much money stored up and slowly watching it all fade away from decisions I thought at the time would be positive and things of growth for me.

I guess my big hope is that most of my mental pressures and imbalances are coming from all that I am facing and have recently faced.

[randomperson]

Athena had an great post on what causes certain flare up in relationships for people like me.

Kinda wish there was a step by step program of things to do to heal.

(that I can afford lol)

I am concerned I will just keep looping and never get stable.

I was wanting to be in a relationship so bad I was about to get myself into a mess. The woman on FB was in an extreme abusive relationship had a lot of other issues, but was nice and kind and we shared going through a ton of grief.

Bunch of stuff happened all at once. Father grabbed their son, was put in jail for the night then released, called social services on them for false reasons, hacked her FB account, and she moved to a different city.

All that really made me step back and re look at things. Asking myself what am I doing? Am I that desperate to be loved? I didn't really know her yet I was willing to step into that protector mode. Not sure if it was wanting to be in a relationship or protect others against abuse.

I could tell it was starting to stress me.. likely you could even tell it in my posts lol. Guess it is good that she did leave, she really needed to get away to be safe.

[Athena]

Kinda wish there was a step by step program of things to do to heal.

(that I can afford lol)

Great idea Random. There is probably something out there - a book/site/resource that would work for each of us - the tough thing is finding it. I envy people who go to Tony Robbins once and are "healed" for good (although that's what he says in his books, has he really followed up 5, 10, 20 years later and how would we verify it?)

Am I that desperate to be loved? I didn't really know her yet I was willing to step into that protector mode. Not sure if it was wanting to be in a relationship or protect others against abuse.

Yes - I think you are that desperate to be loved. I think it's only natural after what you've been through. Protector Mode - Isn't it interesting that in protecting others we ourselves become the victims? Gotta figure that one out. Here goes... We want to be loved so badly, we give to others AT THE EXPENSE of ourselves. We need to remember that we can still give to others but stop short of doing it when the "cost" is too high. But saying this and doing it are two different things. Plus, why are we attracted to these needy people in the first place? Rapport? Perhaps you are not so much attracted to them as they are to you and you get suckered in by their companionship. Well, that's an awfully expensive companion. People will take as much as you are willing to give them. What person out there wouldn't be more than willing to live off their spouse/mother/child forever and give absolutely nothing in return? TONS of people. Does that make them abusers? Or does that simply make you an enabler?

[randomperson]

Great great post thank you! You were dead on for many things. ..I guess I am a bit desperate right now.. I think a lot of it is just missing someone to hang out with in a positive environment. A good friend of mine was talking about moving back to the city I live in.. and just that positive idea snapped me out of the thought "I must find someone" for a sec. I just hate being so alone. I talk more to everyone here and to my mother than anyone. People are not ignoring me either.. just they have their own lives and I can't get mad at that in the least. Just lonely myself. I need to spend time with my mother and do.. but she just stays in that tiny house extension with all those cats and clutter it gets so depressing.

As for the questions you asked I will give my best shot at answering.

If the people we are linking to are abusive or if we are just enabling them.

The last person was just hurting like we are and wasn't abusive. I was just getting caught up in all that which was my fault. My ex girlfriend was emotionally abusive. Did I enable her to do so yes. Is she like this with more than me.. who knows.

Great question if we draw bad situations into our lives. I have asked that many times. Well in this last case someone introduced me didn't even ask them to. With the case of my ex girlfriend someone introduced me same case didn't ask. So is that drawing them to us.. don't know.. so much of that process of attracting people into our lives I simply don't understand.

Then the other question why can't we get the people that would be good for us in our lives.

I think part of it is I have a bit too much baggage to attract people that are the 'right' type.

The other part is meeting more people. I keep thinking back to what Nathan said about talking to strangers. I am reading a book called the One Minute Sales Person now. In it it describes everything as selling of some type even relationships and getting jobs. But the key is not forcing your will on someone rather listening deeply and helping them get what they want to be happy and provide a win/win scenario.

Goes down my route and works with my philosophy. I think if I can figure out how to truly converse with strangers find out how to get them to talk openly things will start to get better for me. If I can figure that out it can even get rid of me being alone.

Speaking of which I think the feeling of being alone is one of the key things keeping me down. While it is not what is causing my emotional flare ups, it is making it more difficult to be prepared emotionally to handle the things that cause me to hurt.

I feel that is the keystone to build on and until that is in place everything I do will crumble like it has been as soon as the storms come.

I am smart enough to know all of this everything I say is hunch and theory talk. Smart enough to know it is like I am in the dark stumbling around just guessing what I am bumping into lol. Just not smart enough to know where the light switch is

Thanks again everyone for your continued friendship and posts.

[randomperson]

Hmm this book I am reading stated something simple "We become what we think about" Second time I have heard that lately. The other stated it as focusing on the solutions rather than the worries.

Ok I am going to set some goals. Things I can do. I know I will slip so I will need the help of people here to keep me on track.

1 Goal one write one positive thing at least once a week.

2 Learn to communicate with strangers in an non abrasive or uncomfortable way that produces an actual conversation.

Typing this I hear co workers negative gossiping about "friends" a room away and already I am challenged to keep this positive mindset lol. But I will try

Ok one thing it said to do is write out yours goals as if they already are happening. I'll try it.

It is 2012 right around the holidays. I am excited because I get to spend time with my good friends and my girlfriend. I am finally relaxed and not worrying, work is going great and I can tell I am really loved. We have a get together planned with food and drinks and some party games. It is nice because they are very supportive and promote good things in life especially my girl. It is a little chilly outside because it is just hitting winter. I am not clingy or worried about anything going wrong because i have a high self esteem and know the people I am with are good people. I have balance and peace in my life.

Sounds silly but the book says it works. Not exactly when you say or how you say, but it says by writing it out and focusing on it it will happen.

We will see!

Hmm.. come to think of it, this has worked for me in the past. I used to be much worse than I am then I had a class that said write out short, mid and long term goals. I did and all of those goals did come true. Wouldn't it be great if this works!!

[randomperson]

Just finished the book it also noted the key to staying focused on this is repeating it. In other words it isn't just enough to write the goal it is to see the goal multiple times throughout and to believe in it.

In a way I have done this in the past with good results. I used to not be open minded. I had a lot of close minded thoughts and was even a gossip. I had a scripture I carried with me for about a year when I started the negative pattern I would get it out of my wallet and read it. It worked. Perhaps I should learn from things that did work for me in the past. I am going to write this goal down and stick it in my wallet.

[Lindamomof7]

sounds good Random, You have to do what you need to do and to know what works for you. If it was something in the past great, if not I hope you find new things.

[randomperson]

I might need a gentle reminder to not get off course as time passes.

I am going to give it a go though.

Each of us has to find our own path I guess. If I keep trying surely something will work lol.

[randomperson]

So far so good with the plan. Got that little reminder in my wallet. Looked at it several times. It gives me a bit of peace somehow. Instead of constantly thinking the horrible thoughts of my future I couldn't escape.. it is a mix now.

Have not noticed any other big changes yet.. but small ones in the right direction are fine by me.

Something else I wanted to tell everyone here. In the past anytime I opened up this much to who I am I would always get shunned and ignored in some way. Always. I never understood why and it made me think I was doing something wrong. I always heard "Be who you are and people will like you", and knew it to be a lie for the most part.

This made me feel I was too broken to be with people, especially in a relationship.

But this is the first group of friends men and women that has heard me out completely, knows how I feel, how I think.. and still is there supporting me. I said it many times but thank you.

The people here gives me renewed hope. Especially to have women here that share how I feel, relate and still care as friends about me.. I just can't tell how that has helped change my perspective in a positive way.

How that has shown me I am ok.. normal enough. That the ones who have hurt me are just as broken.

That it isn't correct to do or act in that way to others reaching out. That it is normal to be hurt from things like that. I was always told to toughen up or straighten up.. led to believe that if I am being ignored it was for good purpose.. that it was wrong but I should fix who I am.

Once again I say thank you so much because your friendship your help to everyone who has posted has meant so much.

[Athena]

Have not noticed any other big changes yet.. but small ones in the right direction are fine by me.

I was just thinking today, "It's nice to feel a part of something where you feel like a bunch of you are taking baby steps in the right direction". Your thread title is aptly named. (although I will admit there's a few people here that have lost their footing through external events and I do find that upsetting because I am powerless to help in those situations. I guess all we can do is just be here for them and offer encouragement, and maybe some will have knowledge of resources to help them).

I always heard "Be who you are and people will like you", and knew it to be a lie for the most part.

it's good you've figured out that you CAN be yourself. I think though that it is human nature to gravitate toward positive individuals. If we are so depressed that we wind up convincing others there's absolutely no hope, then most people will eventually give up on us. We just have to remember it's not US they are rejecting, it is our depressed state.

Once again I say thank you so much because your friendship your help to everyone who has posted has meant so much.

Your welcome, and thank you back.

[randomperson]

I have slid a few times myself. We just got to keep pulling for each other and trying to do our best and hope things get better for them as well.

The most important thing I have learned is I am not so messed up as to never find someone. My greatest fear is being alone in this mess others have created for me. To know with proper training and adjustments I can be liked lol. That gives me some hope. Enough hope to work on improving.

I have my fighting spirit back. Athena one thing people that just met me in the last 3 years do not know I'm a fighter. I didn't used to give up. I planted my feet and would do what needed to be done to win. I supported a few no win battles with that same philosophy during those years and it changed me for the worse.

But I am slowly getting that fighting spirit back.

Years back I said if I was not to find a woman I would make them wish they were with me lol.

I will make it big. Prove my worth. I am getting back to who I was before I was thrown off course.

[randomperson]

Been doing a lot this week. Went out to lunch with a friend, last night went out with a friend that came in town. The second friend wants to help me get over this odd thing I have with relationships. Was asking tough questions some I honestly couldn't answer. Last night he took me out to one of those eating places where women have on tight pants and tank tops, told him I felt uncomfortable going there many times before.. but he surprised me this time and didn't take no. Said it would help and he knows how to get me over all my problems. Wasn't as bad as I thought.. but it sure didn't help. Wasn't feeling bad that night but feeling pretty low today for some reason.

Thing is I'm not sure why. What is causing me to feel low this morning?

I realize it is a feeling and that it will go away. But I should be feeling great I have had something to do this entire week with friends and had a pretty good time. Instead I am tired and feeling low. Not sure if it was going to that place or being ignored by other people, feeling guilty over not spending time with mom, or if it is a chemical imbalance and has nothing to do with any of this.

[Guest ASchwartz]

I suspect or guess that its not a chemical imbalance but a combination of things that happened this week.

Allan

[randomperson]

Thank you Allan that helps.