figuring things out

[Athena]

To know that my last relationship was not true love is exciting

Dividing Romance, love, and being intimate into 3 totally unique and different categories is new to me.

It will take a bit to process but I think this will be very useful in the end.

So the big question what does this mean. I have the desire to be wanted.

So what do I do with this knowledge to help me?

You may find it hard to divide the three categories. They sometimes come as a package deal. Yes, they are different but they often occur together whether you want them to or not. You still get to choose what to do with your feelings - accept them, reject them, act on them or not. BTW, rejection doesn't work because that is repression and that is what causes problems. I'm discovering that Freud's theories make more sense to me every day, as much as I sometimes hate to admit it.

The desire to be wanted. That's the tough one to get over. I'm guessing that somewhere along the line an important relationship in your life was dysfunctional and made you feel not wanted, second fiddle, last one to be picked, or something to that effect. I suspect being bullied can also cause it. In my case it was my relationship with my Mom that caused me to feel not wanted. I kind of knew that but I didn't think that's what was affecting the rest of my relationships. Now I do. Attachment theory explains it so well. Based on how important people respond to your emotional needs, you expect them and others to act in that manner until you experience something different. The job of therapy is to break that cycle (ie: let you experience something different) and give you the inner sense of self worth so you don't have to rely on the therapist forever. I think it can also be achieved through a healthy relationship with an important person in your life. The tough part is that if you find somebody that nice, you may not feel worthy of them so you may not even give them a shot. That's part of my problem.

[randomperson]

The is the most in depth i think I have talked on this type of thing. It helps.

Yep you described my life pretty well. Always felt like a second fiddle as you called it in every aspect of my life. Won't go into it as it is focusing on the negative, but you are right.

Another friend of a friend of my mothers sent a friend request long time back almost a month ago.

I took it figured why not. Never said a word to her or her to me.

Thought nothing of it.

Today I logged on and out of the blue she wrote me a message and posted on my wall. Her public wall post was basically asking me out.. which I do not feel comfortable with. Private message would have been fine, but public feels pushy the way she said it.. especially where I am at emotionally right now.

Any suggestions on how to handle this or what to say back on my wall that so many people see?

[Athena]

Why not reply via PM? Also, at the same time, why not clear the air and tell her you were a little uncomfortable with the public invite, but that if she's still interested in keeping the offer open to a guy who likes his privacy, then you'd happily accept. See how she responds.

I'm sure you can find a better way to say this in your own words, but that's the gist of what I'm thinking.

[randomperson]

Good idea. Should I post anything on my wall itself?

Been thinking a lot on what you said.

The need to feel wanted.

I think much of what I desire is that need rather than the relationship itself.

A natural part of me backs away when actually approached by a woman.

I'm not sure why.

[Athena]

I'm not the one to ask about posting stuff on walls. I barely know what that means. I thought about getting onto Facebook once but that was around the time of all the privacy concerns and I just haven't quite got over that hurdle yet.

Backing away from women who approach you? Well, just thinking out loud: They are too "pushy" like the one you described OR they appear too self-assured and thus you feel they are "out of your league" OR they appear desperate and that turns you off OR you wonder "what do they want from me?" based on prior bad experiences with other women who just wanted to use you.

[randomperson]

I'm not the one to ask about posting stuff on walls. I barely know what that means. I thought about getting onto Facebook once but that was around the time of all the privacy concerns and I just haven't quite got over that hurdle yet.

Backing away from women who approach you? Well, just thinking out loud: They are too "pushy" like the one you described OR they appear too self-assured and thus you feel they are "out of your league" OR they appear desperate and that turns you off OR you wonder "what do they want from me?" based on prior bad experiences with other women who just wanted to use you.

It is like you are knowing me more than I do myself

In the past experienced everything you talked about but the being turned off from them appearing desperate when I examine my pure emotions.

[randomperson]

Lot of good bad stuff happened last night and today.

The Dr said nothing life threatening that he knows of for mom!

I managed to take a big step last night.

I asked a cashier out at Walmart that I had a long conversation with before, and she said yes!

So I got up the nerve and took her out after her shift at work ended.

We went to a Waffle House which wasn't my first pick but it was all that was open.

The date seemed to go well halfway through I even got her cell number.. but the employees was making fun of me behind my back Called me one of the characters from Family Guy

Lot of other things happened there as well. As we were leaving a drunk confronted me said it to my face in front of my date :[

Still I thought things went well enough as we talked about meeting today.

She ignored my call though and never gave me a CB

I would have been ok if it was just a normal bad date... but she called me nerdy in certain ways during the date.. then that.. it really drained me when I was feeling on cloud nine for making such great progress......

[Athena]

Glad for the good news on your Mom.

Boy though, the other stuff - that's rough! A friend of mine once told me that you're with the right person when you feel good about yourself when you are around them. Sounds like this woman doesn't quite fit the bill. I sure admire your perseverance. Maybe you should hang out with nice guy-friends for a while and get your self esteem back (I'm assuming it took a bit of a knock after this date and aftermath).

Nothing excuses making fun of people - especially adults who should know better. But can you think of anything in particular that may have invited it?

[CantGiveItAway]

I managed to take a big step last night.

I asked a cashier out at Walmart that I had a long conversation with before, and she said yes!

That IS a big step!! Dont look past that...not talking about this situation here but regardless what happened, you talked to her enough for her to want to agree to see you for awhile. It might not have worked out but she still could have easily made an excuse to get out of if she wasnt interested at all. And who knows what happened, something may have come up with her, she still might get back with you. But I would try not to worry to much about whether she will or not. Thats not important, it could have easily ended up where you went out and you found out you werent really interested in seeing her again to. Try to hold on to the good that happened and dont let the bad overshadow it, because just putting yourself out there is a huge step compared to the outcome.

The Dr said nothing life threatening that he knows of for mom!

That is great news!!

[IrmaJean]

One day soon, when I am not overwhelmed with schoolwork, I intend to read through this entire thread from the beginning.

I'm sorry people were cruel to you. I agree that it's great that you took this proactive step. There are plenty of women out there, Random, who will appreciate a sensitive and kind man. Keep trying.

[randomperson]

Thank you all for being there for me!!

GREAT NEWS yesterday went very well!

and I started taking my own path.

First the catalog was approved for another run yesterday!

I realized I know enough about myself and about dating now to form my own opinions.. which is new for me.

I actually had the courage to visit her at her work last night... boy was I nervous lol. I grabbed a stuffed dog with bunny ears to buy. As I walked up my heart was beating really fast. She didn't notice me for a long time.

As I got closer she saw me... I had no clue how she would react.

She smiled! Big instant smile and she pointed at me did a joking grin and smiled again

She looked at the stuffed dog a little puzzled laughed and said for Easter I guess.

When I got up close we flirted a bit, I made a joke about Walmart being a new favorite store of mine.. and she laughed and said really I wonder why lol.

I didn't go into why she didn't call.. I'm kinda dumb at these things but not to that point haha. So when she checked out the stuffed dog I gave it to her.

She took it!

I asked when her next day off is she said today so I asked her if she wanted to do something.. at first she said sure, then she remembered something said studies or something wasn't sure.. I said no problem just call me she said she would. If she does or not I'm happy!

I did it!!!! I successfully talked to a woman I liked.. and at least for awhile she liked me back

Which goes into a unique issue I could use help on...

The woman on my facebook wall.. I tried to discourage her by saying I'm not dating much these days and I was still healing from past pains. ..She didn't get the hint in fact just the opposite. On a public wall she is practically claiming me for her own :confused:

Should I just delete the message thread and private message her?

I have been hurt myself and I don't like hurting people.. I'm confused on what to do as I tried to discourage her without hurting her already.

Amazing how fast life can change. Good to bad.. and bad to good.

It is strange for the first time I feel I have discovered who I am as far as dating and relationships goes.

Kinda excited.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Should I just delete the message thread and private message her?

Hm. Yes?

I'm hesitant, cause I don't see how the answer could not be yes.

[randomperson]

Hm. Yes?

I'm hesitant, cause I don't see how the answer could not be yes.

lol guess your right.. maybe the real lesson this is teaching me is to stop second guessing myself.

[randomperson]

Wanted to thank everyone here. List is too long to name everyone but each one of you has said things I have taken to heart that has and is helping.

[randomperson]

Well just found out some huge HUGE things work related today. Changing locations and bossess in about a month.. 10 minute drive turning to over 35.. know I won't be able to chat during the day anymore after that. Still will write at night when I am at home.

Basically one time my worrying was right on the money.. but so far wasn't as bad as I feared... I still have a job

[randomperson]

Interesting I am strong enough for once to realize a hidden fear.

I think I have a slight fear of intimacy. Never been strong enough emotionally or to the point where it ever really came up. Not sure why, but I realized thinking about it even the thought of kissing someone makes me nervous.

Ah not like I have to worry about it anytime soon but I'll have to look into it deeper later as I grow.

[randomperson]

I need advice. This is the spot where I normally mess things up...

Life is rarely not complicated for me.

I went back up to talk to the woman I went out with.

She was pleasant but seemed very busy and not super happy to see me this time. We talked as best as we could as she was at work.

I thought the conversation went well and asked if I could take her out after work. She said know that she worked until 12 and had a morning shift that her days off was during the week. I said ok no problem that she had my number and to call me. Thing is the days she had off before she acted like she wanted to do something but never answered my call or give me a call back. I know she is concerned on our conflicting work schedules.

So I'm bad at all this.. can't even read body language very well.

What does all this mean?

Should I keep trying? If so how.. what should I do?

She could be in a nice manner saying to leave her be... or it could be legit that she has been busy..

I'm not sure. I would think she would call if she wanted me to keep in touch.. yet she always seems friendly when I see her.. very happy sometimes.

My thoughts were to ask her if I could bring her lunch sometimes on the weekend. Or since I don't have time to talk much when she is at work to write a small letter.. maybe put it in a CD of her favorite band?

...I don't know .. I am so bad at this stuff..:confused:

This is normally where I make a big mess of things.

I could really use some advice.

****

I just remembered something I learned.

I shouldn't have to walk on egg shells for true friends..

Maybe I'm over thinking this.. that talking to her one way or another shouldn't be such a big deal.

[CantGiveItAway]

If it was me I would try not to bother her to much while shes at work. It probably wasnt you, being at work can be really stressful. But I definitly wouldnt write or a letter or make her a cd, you just met her. I think that would be jumping the gun alittle bit. Maybe you could try to set up something while shes free sometime, or if you know when her lunch break is one day, you could surprise her with lunch or take her somewhere. She might have some other plans though if you surprise her, so dont stress to much about that, try to set something up then for later if she had plans already.

Good news about the job!!

[randomperson]

Thanks! Saw it for the first time today. Place is huge.. lol much different set up from where I am. But it is exciting.

I'm just not good at the whole dating thing. I agree with not bothering her at work.. thing is I thought about it for over and hour.. there is no real good answer. Jim suggested texting which is a good idea. She ignored my calls betting she would ignore that too though. I would surprise her at lunch but I don't know when that is lol. I hate to give up when there is a small chance she is just busy.

I don't take long or interupt her work when we talk, just chat while I am at her register and she is checking me out.. didn't want to give anyone the false feeling on that. I don't know what I'll do.. not too worried though which is a good thing for me

[randomperson]

Took Jim's advice and decided to send a text over anything else.

I'm pretty sure she will just ignore it.. but visiting again would start to be a bit odd and feel forced. Just said I had a great time, enjoy talking to her and asked if she wanted to keep in touch.

Nothing wrong with what I said ..I think. I'll let it be if she doesn't write it will be pretty clear I need to forget about it.

This one I'm blaming on Waffle House though, may every future waffle those empolyees make taste bitter with a slight onion flavor!!!

[randomperson]

Interesting side note.. I kept telling that last woman to "call me".. turns out my voicemail wasn't working and my cell wasn't logging missed calls... (just found out yesterday)

No clue if she was ignoring me or not now :eek: She might have thought I was ignoring her if she tried to call..

But it really is too late to do anything about it.. right??

(if there is something I can do please tell me lol)

:confused:

Why can't life ever give me a break in relationships lol.

I asked my first love out last day of highschool and she gave me her number.. only to have her twin brother die a few days later.

My ex dumped me for the first time (..well second time lol.. but it was the main break up) after her daughter almost died.

Just seems like I always draw a bad hand on these things.

Ah.. oh well. One thing about it. More it happens the less I hurt from new pains of this type.

[58corvette]

From what I just read; It isnt to Late. Now that you know what happened on your end of things. Try again & let her know what happened. Your being Honest Right. See what happens from there.

[randomperson]

From what I just read; It isnt to Late. Now that you know what happened on your end of things. Try again & let her know what happened. Your being Honest Right. See what happens from there.

How, what? Glady I would try.. do anything.. but she did ignore my text long ago (or call me back instead of texting lol).. besides talking to her at work I don't know how to see her again.. and.. yep I think we all know talking to her while waiting in line might be getting a bit strange haha. Also it is 50/50 she might have ignored me.

Tell me what to do though and I'll do it. She seemed like a great woman, one I would love to get to know even as a friend.

[58corvette]

Now im a bit confussed. If everything with your Cell Phone is working Now & you think you missed some of her callback messages(Voicemail) or text (when your cell phone was'nt working properly) Try Again.

Of course it is'nt wise to try while she's at work & busy with other things on her mind or going on.

And if your Heart tells you; you have done your best & she's flat out ignoring you, than move on.

Im trying to Help but maybe im a bit confused by what you wrote in regards to all of it with her?

It's your Decision. I dont know what else to say or how to help?

[randomperson]

As with many things in my life it is a bit confusing lol. I normally keep my cell turned off.. simply because I don't use it and no one calls me. I just found out it doesn't log missed calls when it is off.. and I found out my voicemail was broke.

But from the 6th when I thought everything was working I did send her a text like you suggested with no reply via text. Of course if she did call she might have got upset at me not returning her call.. as the voicemail from what I heard acts like it works. ...but that is a BIG if she called in the past.