figuring things out

[randomperson]

Actually that is one of my main hot spots that has got me in trouble.

For the most part I have been under a tight leash which has led to these other problems growing out of control. Not her fault she was brought up the same way. She really doesn't mean harm.. and sometimes lately she does back off a bit when I do talk to her about it. But I do talk to her when I see that happening, sometimes she understands sometimes it leads to small arguments.

Thing I have learned a lot of emotional problems link to each other.

I am feeling better today. I am just putting off thinking about future problems for now, plus I realized being in a serious relationship would cause a lot of stress right now in my life. I never looked at it that way.

Being alone all of my life has developed patterns that take advantage of the single lifestyle, enjoying things such as meditation and gaming. Nor would I want to even think of tackling explaining the more complicated or messed up parts of my life to anyone right now.

I stopped thinking about the positives of being alone and focused on the problems and pains or being lonely, lacking the feeling of being loved and the bond of having a family of your own.

I am blessed to have friends close by to show me life as a couple has its own unique set of problems and in some ways can be more difficult emotionally because you have the weight of taking care of others on your shoulders added to the normal pressures of life. It has its own rewards and drawbacks just like being alone.

There is a new game coming out.. sounds silly but that is my focus of peace right now looking forward to that. Knowing if I was with someone I wouldn't get to enjoy it as much as I will by myself

I actually use this forum to counter my thoughts of being alone, because I know people here truly listen and are here for me to talk anytime.. it helps. It gives me something to hold on to right now.

...also something I will never be able to thank people enough for. I am myself on this forum. You see the good spots and bad. But you accept me for who I am. I always ALWAYS felt judged by most for the messed up spots in my character. Like with my ex who acted sweet, then straight up went into spots where she ignored me then when asked why would blame it all on me and my problems and never really talk it out. This is how 95% of women I have asked out respond in some manner. Also had past friends act like this at different spots in one way or another. It led me to feeling like a leper and made these inner emotional struggles much worse.

Everyone here is showing I might have problems but so does everyone, no one is perfect and true friends will look past it or try to work with you because they care and believe in who you are as a person.

It is giving me a flicker of inner hope. For that I can not thank everyone and the people that keep this forum up and running enough.

[Athena]

Thing I have learned a lot of emotional problems link to each other.

I am feeling better today. I am just putting off thinking about future problems for now, plus I realized being in a serious relationship would cause a lot of stress right now in my life. I never looked at it that way.

Being alone all of my life has developed patterns that take advantage of the single lifestyle, enjoying things such as meditation and gaming. Nor would I want to even think of tackling explaining the more complicated or messed up parts of my life to anyone right now.

I stopped thinking about the positives of being alone and focused on the problems and pains or being lonely, lacking the feeling of being loved and the bond of having a family of your own.

Everyone here is showing I might have problems but so does everyone, no one is perfect and true friends will look past it or try to work with you because they care and believe in who you are as a person.

It is giving me a flicker of inner hope. For that I can not thank everyone and the people that keep this forum up and running enough.

Random, you have figured an awful lot out. And you have made some good observations about the benefits of being alone. However, no one is an island - go look up "mother Theresa quotes" and you may feel like she is talking to you. I share so many of your sentiments. One day at a time....

[randomperson]

Thank you so much Athena. Your posts always cheer me up.

Your right no man is an island, but when I think back how I am rejected for who I am so much, so many times, and so deeply it hurts. Honestly it just hurts.

I am a little unsure how to handle that type of pain at this time in a positive and productive manner. So I was trying to focus on the positive things I could focus on that I normally overlook.

[nathan]

yeah rejection hurts man, but what hurts more is having that rejection linger and influence everything else in your day, in your life. Whats that phrase with the tree and the wind? The wind may swaye the tree, but the tree keeps standing or somehting. Just let the wind blow through you, its not powerful enough to blow you over, so don't worry about it.

[randomperson]

yep that overall is my main problem learning to let go and move on. Working on it though

[Athena]

Those who keep trying get rejected more than those who don't. I used to cold call in order to build a client base, about a century ago when that was still an effective means of obtaining clients. For every 20 dials, you were EXPECTED to get rejected 18 times. The more rejection you got, the fewer people to say no to you in the future. But that wasn't exactly a fun way to get clients!

I know it's different, that was a business situation - but perhaps some bit of wisdom can be gleaned from it. A friend of my ex's used to say "Women these days are so picky...." He constantly stuck his neck out and asked women out despite being awkward and nerdy and suffering rejection after rejection. He is now happily married to a fun, beautiful, intelligent woman. That was around 10 years ago, which would put him in his 30's at the time.

Some people are lucky and don't have to go through all that pain, but if you are determined enough, I believe you can succeed.

BTW, I am not in any way implying that you are awkward and nerdy, so don't even go there:)!

[randomperson]

lol thank you. I am both and happily admit it, but you know what I think someone out there shouldn't mind that because I have a kind heart and try to do my best.

Yep I do have a phobia of rejection and it does put me in a small tailspin, but it isn't as bad as it was.

One confusing thing I have noticed I feel.. most of the new friends I have are what I like to call Face Book friends. These are friends that will chat on occasion when they want and ignore you when they want, stay friendly just not chat much never initiate conversations.. yet if you happen to peak their interest will go out and do stuff once in a great while. This I find for both men and women. Not a real substantial friendship and you can't grow it no matter how much time you give or what you do.. it is what it is.

They are not like my old friends or the friends I have here and that confuses me some.

I have great friends. Really great friends and I don't talk to them everyday, but when I do call or write they are happy to hear from me. The people here are the same way. Great people! If the people I get in touch with was like people here I would have no problems.. I would be able to connect and form lasting friendships.

I am trying to take everyone's advice. To form new friendships, new connections and network to meet new people. I'm just not having much luck.

All the people I meet are acting much like my ex was at the end. Friendly but not talking much and only when they want which is very little. Unlike with her, I'm not pressing it at all, and it doesn't bother me much I know they are still friends.. but I'm not sure what this is.

Am I over thinking? Missing something? Doing something wrong?

Is it just a numbers game with me pulling bad luck?

I am used to making friends like I did on this site. It doesn't feel normal that it should be so difficult. To tell the truth the people on this site are the closest friends I have made in a long time.

I guess I am saying I am a little stuck. Willing to get out and make the contacts and get the rejection, but seems like I am on the wrong road.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Random,

I assure you that all of us have a phobia of rejection. I would go so far as to say that all of are allergic to rejection. Thats because all of want to belong. We are social creatures and need each other. That's why we are here on this site. It fulfill some of that but outside people who are face to face are needed even more.

Allan

[randomperson]

Thanks Allan. I never really thought of it like that. So many say they don't care what others think I just thought I was over sensitive to it. Thing I love most about everyone here is the support and how you make me realize I am not so broken as I thought in multiple ways. That is giving me true balance and helping me to be stable enough to work on these problems.

[Athena]

Hi Random,

I was thinking about this "not hearing from people" and "others not initiating" problem in the context of the face to face world, but now also here.

I think in the real world, the people we are attracted to are probably already members of a group or they are married or have a social circle already. They simply don't need us as much as we need them. I think perhaps we have to keep initiating for a while until we form a substantial enough bond to have it reciprocated.

With respect to here, I have seen others feel ignored on this site. I felt like an island yesterday, completely isolated - even here. Sometimes I think i just lose the connection with people for a while for some reason. Sometimes I think I scare people away - I have been called intimidating in person. (almost a compliment for a reserved, and for the most part withdrawn individual). I think also that I sometimes have strong emotions about people/situations and perhaps wear my heart on my sleeve a little too soon or do/say something stupid and it comes across too strong and scares people and I don't hear from them for a while (or ever again). Then I pick up on this and just take a breather or maybe even backpeddle a bit - and hope that eventually things will pick up where they left off or if the gap in the connection is too long, I fear I will simply become apathetic and say "whatever". If that happens, I will feel rejected but will kind of just go numb to it.

I think it was Jetliner who referred to himself as "too intense" for everybody and he left the site, feeling like he was not wanted here. He erased all his posts so I'm not quite sure if I'm remembering right. I've seen him pop back a few times though.

So....We all have our rejection issues.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Athena,

I do not find you to be too intense. There are multiple reasons why someone may not get responses. Sometimes its just overlooking a post. Sometimes we get very busy with several members who may be in crisis. Sometimes, some of us are away from the computer. In the absence of information please try to avoid jumping to conclusions.

If you find yourself not responded to please give a yell in one of the other forums, like the emergency forum, etc. That's wake us up.

Allan:)

[randomperson]

Two very good posts. Athena what you described is exactly how I feel. Couldn't have put it into better words. Allan is right, being ignored can happen for so many reasons. Thing I am struggling with is having the wisdom to know why. I am almost ashamed to say but that is one of the main reasons I hung on to my ex so long. So many times I have been wrong about people ignoring me for ill intentions I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Example I wrote a friend the other day several days passed no response I figured well another ignoring me what's new but didn't say anything.. today I got a positive response. My thinking would have got me in trouble had I acted on it. No intentions to act on it BTW.

To late now but maybe I still cut the strings with my ex too fast, got upset when I should have just backed away and gave things time. Maybe she didn't mean me harm and maybe I overreacted 'again'. I don't think so, but I'm not sure. Sometimes people do ignore you for bad reasons.. sometimes the bullies are really bullies. I guess deep down I wonder if I caused most of the problems in our relationship and caused it to not work out.

...I struggle with thoughts like these, and with things like Athena brought up. When I do I wonder what have I done, did I mess up a good thing in my life?

It is tough when your not really sure what the right and wrong choices are.

I know just enough sound advice and wisdom to make me very confused lol.

[randomperson]

Just found out someone is buying a huge chunk of our company. Doesn't effect my dept as much as others, but it does mean huge changes for everyone and is a good chunk of our yearly profit that is now gone.

The good news is the people that is buying it wants us to keep selling physical product and wants us to keep our catalog going.. so in a odd way it gives me more job security if we can stay out of the red in our budgets.

[randomperson]

Athena how are you BTW? So much going on with all of us.

I should have asked before now.. I know you have major things going on..

[Athena]

Thank you for asking Random, I just sent you a PM.

Just as an aside, Deadman's "Frozen" thread has a very interesting conversation going on right now that I think you would enjoy - you may want to have a look, don't know if you've been following it.

[randomperson]

Thank you I checked it out.

I struggle figuring out things in life sometimes. It is too complex.

I understand enough to understand I don't understand enough lol.

Point I am curious about today.

I got an almost random friend request on FB.

A friend's daughters friend..

Attached was a short message saying this is who she was and nothing else.

Cute but dressed in skimpy clothes. I know some would say what is the downside lol.

That is just strange and beeps trouble on my worry o meter

I don't know her nor why she sent a FR. The friend's daughter is not even on my FL so how does this person even know me, and why is she sending me a FR?

Logic and experience tells me what is the catch?

So I am stuck in the situation of not knowing what to do.

To accept the FR or decline.

To write her back, and if so what to say.

I lack perception of the reality of others, making choices like this overly difficult.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Random,

When I am in a situation where I feel somewhat suspicious and am unsure of what to do, I follow my inner voice because its most accuate. In my opinion, your inner voice is uncomfortable. I would listen to that. I would decline and I have declined under similar circumstances.

Allan

[Lindamomof7]

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[randomperson]

Thank you both. Oh I realize I made it seem like I was wondering if the FR was a scam or not. She is legit, I have seen her posting on my friend's FB wall.

I talked to mom about it, she was talking to this friend yesterday and she up and mentioned that her daughter broke up with her BF. So mom being sweet asked her if she would be interested in me. She then replied that I wasn't her daughter's type. Someway she had to have heard about me.

If it has anything to do with that or why she sent a FR who knows.

Thinking on it knowing she is a real person I'm not really worried about it either way. Just odd.. and I have learned it is good to talk out my confusion first.. as it is when I am confused that I make my worst mistakes.

[Athena]

The more I hear about facebook the less inclined I am to sign up. Seems scary and complicated and one more way to get addicted, or expose myself to even more EMF radiation:eek:! Sorry I can't be more help here, I'd be confused too.

[randomperson]

Turns out I got a message from my friend. She was talking to this person and suggested that she send me a FR. Said they had been good friends for many years. I was just the last one in the loop lol.

She had a normal pic up as well when I signed back on.

The whole FB thing to me personally has had its ups and downs. Can be good or bad depending on many factors. For me it does let me keep in touch with people I would normally have lost total contact with, but it has done damage as well. ..however the damage honestly is damage I needed to move forward with my life. It was truthfully the final straw to make me pull away from my ex. She turned into one of those party girls like you see on MTV. Super pretty knowing it and flaunting it trying to get the attention of as many men as she could. I didn't need that.. she wasn't even my friend and was just using me. It hurt and had a dating website sort of pain to it for a bit.. but I needed it to truly let go.

By that 'dating website pain' I mean where you cringe logging on knowing there will be things to hurt you.. be it a negative reaction or nothing pure silence and the coldness of being ignored.

Point is for FB you make it what you want. If I had not sent her a FR I would not have faced that pain.

Same way now. By choosing whether to ignore or accept this woman's friendship I choose to accept the risk/rewards that come from it.

[Lindamomof7]

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[randomperson]

I guess I am blessed to never have a FB wall confrontation, and have only seen one to date. The few negative things came from noticing things others were posting and a few private messages or lack there of. Not sure if I said it or not but one of the tipping points for me in even ending my friendship with my ex was noticing her delete an entire string thread that I was joking in.. friendly jokes nothing mean or even hinting that we ever was dating. Got my feathers in a ruffle as the saying goes lol. But for the most part it has been a good experience and helped me grow by teaching me to be more patient waiting for others to respond, realizing to not expect instant reactions.

I still talk about her some because right now.. to be very honest I am angry at the way she treated me.

She was about to lose her child and I gave her money for her lawyer (she asked me).. that was when she sweetened up to me and even started flirting again. Then at the end she acted like I was to blame for everything.. that it was 'so hard to even be my friend' I mean I just was like I am here.. just myself to her. Grrrr.. I feel so used and betrayed. How can someone do that to another person that had nothing but good intentions for them? Just a bit of anger tucked away that I need to get out of my system. Not love or anything like it right now. Guess it will just go away with time.

[randomperson]

Not sure if it will help the owners of this site or not but I did buy some of those denture stix dog snacks as a treat for my dog as a result of a creative banner ad on this site You can use me as an example if you want as advertising=sales.

BTW for the first time in a pretty good while I am feeling ok just being me and where I am

Large part has to do with the lessons I have been learning.

[Lindamomof7]

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