soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 None of the sites were illegal, but most people would say that they are not something healthy to look at. I mean, this could have been years ago, but what was the fascination with speedo kids? I know this had roots early in my childhood.....I wanted one so bad as a kid. Could I be looking out of envy? I don't know. Nothing fundamentally changes, but you show most people the sites and they would be like, uh, what do you like to look at little kids in speedos so much for? I don't have an answer for that other than maybe envy or jealousy that they got something I wanted so much at their age. Getting one at 16 as soon as I could drive...that is saying something. It still didn't give me back the time period when I wanted it. Maybe that is why I looked....I wanted to BE those kids. I wanted to be the 8 year olds with Speedos. I don't know why it was so damn important, but I remember asking my dad if I could get one when I was 8. I remember exactly where I was and the color of the suit and everything. He said no...that isn't a suit for little boys. I had seen other boys wearing them and just really liked them. If he had said yes, my life might be so different now because I never would have looked at the sites, more than likely. It would have been like been there, done that, no need to look at that. I can remember cutting up a pair of spandex shorts to try to make a Speedo when I was a little boy. I think that is why I looked so much...I longed for what I never had and never could go back and get. I could not make this up if I tried. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 So based on what you just said, why are you a bad person? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Because I looked at some things most people would see a bit off color, if not pedophilic.It hurts that the biggest regret of my life is loving those kids. If I had never met them, I would not have the pain of losing them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 It's off color if you so choose to look at it that way.1. You don't know why you browsed those sites, except that you had a fascination with speedoes. Big deal.2. These sites weren't created with pedophilic interests in mind.3. MANY people browse those sites. Are they all evil for having browsed them? Why do you stand out from these other people? Because you browsed these sites longer?Edit: Also, a lot of people needlessly see a lot of things "off color." It doesn't mean that these people are right. You can't let other peoples' opinion of what you did dictate the rest of your life. If you're simply saying that you consider yourself bad because you think that others consider you bad, you've got a lot to reconsider... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 The one I can't get over is the one with the stories...those are horrible. I don't think millions of people read those...good God, those are horrible stories. So, why do I know they are there....why do I know the exact address of something that is that completely awful? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Let's ignore the stories for the time being. What about your viewing the sites with photos and the Chippindiddies makes you a bad person?(And if you didn't see the edit I made to my last post, I think you should read it.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Do YOU see looking at those pictures as being pedophilic? Do you view your own actions as pedophilic in any way? If not, then there is no issue and I can’t see what the problem is. But if you have associated sexual thoughts with these images, then I can see why you would have the guilt. Which is it?Again, you pine for these children as though they were lovers. Parents who sent their children off to college would never say “I should have never loved my child because now he’s grown up and it’s too painful to be without him.” What are your thoughts on that?How does knowing that a bad thing exists make you bad? If i read a story in the paper about a murder, does that make me bad for knowing about the murder? What might be wrong is if I had something to do with the murder or if I took pleasure in knowing a person was murdered. Those things might be disturbing or cause for alarm. But simply knowing about the murder--even knowing exact details of it--would that make me bad?Well said on all three of these points, pseud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 I don't care how I see it....I think most people WOULD see it as pedophilic. And I just feel like I disappointed myself beyond belief. I graduated 10th in class in high school. I graduated summa cum laude in college and have a masters. So what the heck? Does that sound like someone who is smart? Not to me!As for the second point, I elaborated on it already....parents have their chidren forever....I feel like this is the end of something that gave my heart a lot of joy. Knowing about something that is a news story doesn't make you bad, but I am not sure whether most people would be OK knowing about a horrible story. They would probably say, how the HELL did you find that? What were you looking for? I can't say I don't disagree with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 I don't care how I see it....In essence, what you're saying is that you throw your own opinions aside, and let other people judge you? And how is that healthy?And I just feel like I disappointed myself beyond belief.Why are you so disappointed? Because you did something that OTHERS don't agree with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Here's a little query...what if you could get aroused to just a speedo? What does that make you? What if you saw a picture of yourself in one and got aroused by that? What would that do? I just ask because I think that it would be clear that the speedo is what did it. I mean obviously, if you would would that make you want to have sex with yourself? Just some food for thought. Wouldn't that make it pretty reasonable to assume that your "thing" is completely unrelated to the person? What if I could do this? What would that mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 I just see it as terrible for some reason. I just do, like I can't believe I know about this stuff. I did nothing illegal or anything, but what most people would see as disgusting, I do too. It really isn't that I did something that others would view as bad....I view it as bad too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 I just see it as terrible for some reason. I just do, like I can't believe I know about this stuff. I did nothing illegal or anything, but what most people would see as disgusting, I do too. It really isn't that I did something that others would view as bad....I view it as bad too.And now, we've gone full circle...So let me ask you again: Why does having looked at those pictures make you a bad person? I'm not trying to accuse or offend here, but notice that what you're saying doesn't seem to be all that logical. You claim that putting peoples' opinions aside, you view it as bad. WHY? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Whether I did or did not masturbate....just even going down a road that close makes me feel horrible. I did not have to use them at all to make me feel bad.Yeah, kids grow up, but talk to their parents. These kids are not mine and they have already kind of shown signs of not really wanting to do stuff with me anymore. That's why I feel bad.There is really nothing I can do to get out of this. I am going to have it on my mind for the rest of my life....forever! And again, people know horrible things, but most of them are things that happen to them. They are not things that they uncovered by weird searches.What really irks me is that the authors of these stories don't even give a crap that they wrote something that is utterly horrible about kids. I mean, kids sometimes do things with each other, I have heard stories about kids doing things in my career. I have even heard from my brother about two 6th graders...one forced oral sex on the other. It does happen. But I should not know a website that touts this kind of thing as a wonderful story! That is the thin line between feeling good about something and bad. If someone had said that this horrible website is out there in the newspaper in an article, I would not feel bad about knowing it was there beacuse I just heard if from someone that was there. If I personally found it, accident or not, I should feel horrible because no one made me discover this, I just did.The boys aside, I just can't be happy knowing I know about all of these legal, though somewhat sickening things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Would it be bad of me to say that maybe it's in explaining the "why" that the real problem lies? That there is maybe a real reason for the guilt that is too difficult for you to say? This could explain why you keep going around in circles.Why for the guilt? or Why did I look? I don't know the answer to the second. That is what I would like to know! The thing is this to my best recollection happened when I was a teenager and I forgot about it. Then I have these deaths and about several other tragic events and this comes back full force...I am not making that up either.I do know I never hurt anyone...there is not guilt for anything like that. But I do go back to the question about being aroused by the Speedos. Let me clear the air...I have been aroused by just speedos and thinking about wearing them in public. No one even has to wear them. I have also been aroused by pictures of myself wearing similar things...talk about screwed up. It is just a fetish over the material I think. I mean, what am I? I am so fried! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 And now, we've gone full circle...So let me ask you again: Why does having looked at those pictures make you a bad person? I'm not trying to accuse or offend here, but notice that what you're saying doesn't seem to be all that logical. You claim that putting peoples' opinions aside, you view it as bad. WHY?Because I just view it as bad. I think looking as speedo clad children is an unhealthy thing to do, regardless of whether it was sexual or not. I can't explain it for the Speedo pics, because a lot of what I saw was swim team sites....not even close to illegal.But the stories.....NO WAY I should know they are there.I want to be put in a coma and live the rest of my life as a vegetable...I would be a lot happier that way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Because I just view it as bad.So what I gather from that statement is that you either don't know why it's bad, or that you're hiding something. I'm not accusing you of one or the other.I think looking as speedo clad children is an unhealthy thing to do, regardless of whether it was sexual or not.Debatable, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Regardless, there's a big difference between unhealthy and evil. Now, once again, many people view those sites, and they all have different intentions. There's a reason that they're not illegal...But the stories.....NO WAY I should know they are there.Forget about the stories for now. When you first joined here, you hadn't even remembered about those yet. That means that the pictures alone were causing you to feel evil.I want to be put in a coma and live the rest of my life as a vegetable...I would be a lot happier that way!Actually, you'd likely just be a lot number that way. There's other ways to go about that, though I don't think any of them are truly healthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Psued.If u know tons of bad things. , is it because you heard them from others or u found them yourself? I think the responsibility for knowing makes a huge difference. This is my fault so I feel bad.If by the grace of God I would have a little boy...would I just see him in speedos all the time or what? I love kids genuinely. I work 16 to 20 hour dyas as a teacher sometines....and no I am NOT exaggerating. I am an AWESOME first grade teacher.The coversation we are having with MM is really helpful. I feel a genuine effort tgo help me thoguh. I am glad you guys are continuing.God I wish my dad would have just bought the damn speedos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 If u know tons of bad things. , is it because you heard them from others or u found them yourself? I think the responsibility for knowing makes a huge difference. This is my fault so I feel bad.I think that the most horrific thing I've ever read involved the murder of a three-year-old boy a number of years ago. And the thing is, I discovered the story myself. I went into a state of depression for a few weeks, and I honestly think that the story has really impacted my life.So I know about something horrific. Now what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 It's just a deep, deep love I have for the boys. I can't really compare it to love you would have for a spouse or girlfriend because I don't have much experience in that area. Let's just say for arguments sake say I loved them like a parent. Maybe I did love them too much, but I mean, in some ways, I helped raise them....It's like someone took your kids...even though they are not mine. I just feel like my role in their lives is over.I could not make this whole Speedo thing up if I tried. I like them and still do, though now I wish they were gone completely. I wanted one when I was 8. I got one at 16 and even added to the collection along the way. I just like them..I don't know why. I like clothes like that.I didn't go looking at pictures of little boys going "Whoa, that little guy is sexy" or anything like that. I just thought they were cute. I imagine I looked because I wanted that for me. I don't look at kids and say what a hottie or anything like that. I just think they are cute. In my 11 years as a teacher, I have seen tons of cute kids...nothing was ever made of it until this year. Why now is a question I am seeming to ask myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 I think that the most horrific thing I've ever read involved the murder of a three-year-old boy a number of years ago. And the thing is, I discovered the story myself. I went into a state of depression for a few weeks, and I honestly think that the story has really impacted my life.So I know about something horrific. Now what?But you didn't murder him...so why would you feel bad. It is unfortunate, but you had no part in committing it. I have all the responsibility in finding these sites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Forget with the "Why now?" attitude. It's not going to help you any.You need to figure out why what you did is so bad. You've not given any solid answers, and I'm thinking that you don't really know why, but rather, that you BELIEVE it should be bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 But you didn't murder him...so why would you feel bad. It is unfortunate, but you had no part in committing it. I have all the responsibility in finding these sites.And I have all the responsibility for discovering the story. What's your point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 I think you nailed it....I don't know why or if it was bad, I just feel like it was. I don't know if I masturbated...but if most people saw what I looked at on my computer at school....my ass would be fired I would bet. My boss would probably say why is that little boy in a speedo on your computer. I KNOW I have Speedo issues....I can name about 8 movies that feature them.I really like them (not so much anymore) and have for most of my life. Is knowing about the Chippendiddys bad? Not necessarily, but other people say it is pedophilic and to know about something that others view in that light sickens me.The question I have is why does everyone seem to think it is not bad? I don't get that one! If I said to you hey this dude I know looks at pictures of people in speedos men, little boys, whatever....wouldn't that strike you as kind of weird? First of all you would probably think I was gay. I don't really feel I am. I just really like Speedos. I think that they take me back to a time when I was young and happy. Maybe that is what my friendship with the boys does too. Maybe teaching little kids does that too. I know I am having some definite issues with feeling old now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 so....how does finding these sites mean you're bad? Unless you were finding sexual pleasure in them?I am appalled by them...but it's too late...I know they are there and I can't figure out why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 I think you nailed it....I don't know why or if it was bad, I just feel like it was. I don't know if I masturbated...but if most people saw what I looked at on my computer at school....my ass would be fired I would bet. My boss would probably say why is that little boy in a speedo on your computer. I KNOW I have Speedo issues....I can name about 8 movies that feature them.Before you go along making yourself any more miserable, you need to figure out WHY what you did makes you evil. If you honestly don't know, bring it up in therapy.I really like them (not so much anymore) and have for most of my life. Is knowing about the Chippendiddys bad? Not necessarily, but other people say it is pedophilic and to know about something that others view in that light sickens me.People are idiots. They don't define who you are. YOU define who you are.The question I have is why does everyone seem to think it is not bad? I don't get that one! If I said to you hey this dude I know looks at pictures of people in speedos men, little boys, whatever....wouldn't that strike you as kind of weird? First of all you would probably think I was gay. I don't really feel I am. I just really like Speedos. I think that they take me back to a time when I was young and happy. Maybe that is what my friendship with the boys does too. Maybe teaching little kids does that too. I know I am having some definite issues with feeling old now.We've answered that first question time and time again. If you refuse to listen, that's no one's problem but your own.And the way you phrased the situation makes it sound specifically like you were looking for sexual thrill. That's not what you did, and pretending that you put yourself in that situation is nothing but harmful to you.I'd leave EVERYTHING aside right now except for the pictures. You need to figure out why they are so bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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