soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 If I knew someone who liked speedos and liked looking at men in speedos, i would see no problem with that. If I knew someone that liked looking at boys in speedos, then there's a problem. The problem comes from the speedo obsession being sexual. Put a kid in the speedo and the kid is an object of sexual fantasy. Why would you be specifically looking at kids in speedos if it was really just the speedo that was the object of interest? Is it safe to say that you were sexually aroused by images of children in speedos (for whatever reason) and that is the cause of your guilt? Simply viewing the images wouldn't be cause for guilt.See, the thing is...I was probably a KID when I started this. So that may be when I looked at kids. If I saw a kid in a speedo, I would feel jealousy more than arousal. I just don't know. I wish I could answer you. Another thing is that in my very recent past, I have been aroused by completely appropriate things...I looked at those things way more than the speedo things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 We've answered that first question time and time again. If you refuse to listen, that's no one's problem but your own.That is just it...you have answered it, but I just can't understand why you would not see it as bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Being appalled by the sites is one thing. You seem to feel guilty for the sites existing. You did not create the sites. And if you viewed the sites with no bad intentions, then there should be no guilt. Again, the only way I can see you feeling guilty is if you did gain sexual pleasure from the viewing.How can reading a pedophilic story have a good intention? Oh, and as I remember, no adults were in the story..it was about two kids messing around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 That is just it...you have answered it, but I just can't understand why you would not see it as bad.Okay, one last time. There were no victims. You don't know that anything you did was sexual. Those are just to name a few.Now, I'll ask the question again: WHY IS WHAT YOU DID BAD? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 How can reading a pedophilic story have a good intention? Oh, and as I remember, no adults were in the story..it was about two kids messing around.Forget about the stories for now! You felt this strong guilt even before you remembered the stories! You're blaming your guilt on these stories, but it existed before you remembered them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Jai,Just call me a pedophile if that is what you want to do. I am telling you that all of this happened when I was like maybe 17? I was a kid myself. I put it away for a while. But to go and say I looked up the pictures so I could get off is way off base. It's not like I was going to look for pictures and was like I can't wait to find this picture so I can use it sexually. Again, not sure if I ever did. You can say what you want though. I am not lusting after kids. If you say it was always about kids, then I counter right back with that is was always about Speedos too. Did I look at men in them too...yeah. Every picture I looked at had the common theme of a Speedo...I did not look at anyone naked at all....I never even wanted to...that would have been more along the lines of pedophilia. I am trying to make it clear that the fantasy was about the clothes, not the people.Whatver, though, I am just going to go to work thinking I am a pedophile. Thanks for a great start to the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Being appalled by the sites is one thing. You seem to feel guilty for the sites existing. You did not create the sites. And if you viewed the sites with no bad intentions, then there should be no guilt. Again, the only way I can see you feeling guilty is if you did gain sexual pleasure from the viewing.I still stand by the fact that I do not know if I gained pleasure from the sites. However, if you go on a site that is what other call a boylover site or pedophilic, you would feel guilty. The issue for me is not whether I used the site sexually or not, it is that I even went on it. So, I am familiar with a site that other people would call a boylover site. I looked for Speedo pics, and if I gave you the addresses of the sites, that is what you would see. I do not feel as bad as the people who make the comments such as "I would love to see that boy bare", etc. Those people are pedophiles. But according to what I have learned this morning, I guess I am one too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 So what was your intention in reading the story?My intention in reading the story was to read a Speedo story...I did not know it was going to go into having sex. Type in something like my first speedo and you think you will be reading about just that...not sex. AND AGAIN, it isn't like I did this yesterday or last week....it was a while ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Hey ... on some level here this is about kids, because if it were solely a speedo thing, you could look at anyone wearing them. Thats not the case. Seriously, grown adults dont look for speedo pics if there is not arousal involved. I call u out on that bullshit. that you would look up these pictures to experience a "ooooo, i feel so jealous of these little kids who have speedos, i cant stop myself from hunting their images." is, quite frankly, unbelievable.Do you feel guilty about looking at the pics? yes. Do you believe people would judge those pics as inapropriate? Absolutely. So who gives an F whether they were legal or not? You were looking at these images with uncontrolable compulsion. jealousy doesnt motivate that behaviour. arousal does.I did mention, that yes, I can look at anyone wearing them. I can look at just a speedo and probably get aroused. I can probably look at a picture of me wearing one and get aroused. And no, I didn't look the pictures up saying oh my God I can't wait to get off. My thing is I wasn't like Oh I want a piece of that kid. Jesus....who would be like that? If I were all about kids, I would find some child porn, which I never did. I never fantasized about having sex or penetrating a child in any way.....that is disgusting. I fantasized about the speedo....every site I went on has speedos....men too. I think I will just change my profile name to pedophile though because it seems that is how I am being thought of and addressed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 That's you, not me. All I know is something happened to make me remember this. Last year on almost this exact day, I started dating a few people from match.com. I felt good and completely deserving. I was happy to get on with this phase of my life. I don't know if it was depression or what, but I am a complete 180 from that now. I don't know why this all came rushing back. A year ago I wasn't on this site....still having looked at all the stuff I had seen, etc. I didn't feel suicidal a year ago either. So what the heck happened in that time frame? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 I never denied that maybe I was aroused.....I am not saying yes I was or no I wasn't. My very first post says maybe. And if I was I suppose it does ewxplain the guilt. However I also stand by that it was long ago. I was also for the most part a kid when th is happened. The issue to me is not whether I did or didn't masturbate because I have done that with completely normal things. I am not looking to figure out why I am guilty...I know that...the images of children. My whole hope in posting is to get help to get through this...not dissect what I did. I tolf u what I did....I want to know where I should go next. That's why I posted in the help portion. Or if you think there is no help for me let me know that so I can find a way to kill myself. All I want is help. Don't try to figure out why I qam guilty...just need help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Keep going to therapy, SR, and keep talking with your therapist. We want you to be safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 SR, you MUST figure out why you feel guilty. Just having gone to those sites shouldn't evoke that reaction.You can't just say "Because it's wrong," or "Because other people say it's wrong." You can't base your life off of uncertainty. Pinpoint the reason why you feel guilty. You obviously feel that going to those websites was wrong, but you seem to have no idea why other than the fact that "it just is." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 But maybe “I feel guilty because I might have been sexually aroused by images of children,” also does.I think that I said this from the very beginning....I never denied that I might have been aroused by images of children in speedos (and men and plenty of other things too), but I never EVER denied this. Let's assume worst case scenario that they did...I never tried to hide this.Also, I am not going to let anyone change my mind on this...this probably was years ago. My psychiatrist said dating may have sparked this. Maybe I have a photographic memory....I mean I know every single county in my state....I know all the presidents in order...I know all the states and capitals, I know a lot of things....so yeah, maybe I DO have a photographic memory, but I am not going to change what I said about just all of a sudden being able to remember the URL because that is very possible that it happened that way. It's like I repressed it and something woke it up....honestly. Years and years later, it does NOT exist...a web archive said the site shut down in the late nineties. I am not making that up!Let's just say for arguments sake that I did masturbate to these pictures...which I still have no idea if I did. This sounds a lot like my very first post, so for people to tell me I am trying to hide something, I am not getting. But let's just say I did. OK, so now I am an istant pedophile right? Does it matter about any of the other things I have masturbated to? The normal things? The inanimate objects? None of that has any bearing...OK, so let's just call me a pedophile now....OK, what the hell do I do? If there is any type of help for this....I mean it's not like I am stalking children to rape or anything...I would never want to do that. It's not like I see a kid and say Oh, please let me tap that. It is so far from that. Did I do something that may have been quasi-pedophilic nature? I guess it would seem that way...but I have told everyone this from the beginning!! OK...let's just pretend I am a pedophile who has no intention of offending...which I don't think I am...but let's just assume I am the biggest piece of shit in the world...cause that's how I feel. Any way to feel better or should I just call it a life?I had to unbutton a little boy's pants at work today so he could use the restroom....am I a pedophile for that too? That's not the first time I have had to do that...should we all hide our children now? This is what I am saying....Jai said my posts sounded the same...they are. In my very first post I said I may have masturbated...never hid this!! I made it clear I never used child porn....so they should sound the same....I haven't changed my story. I am trying to find the part where everyone thinks I said I did nothing wrong...I will be the first one to admit I feel bad about even going on the sites and having potentially masturbated.....this sounds a lot like post 1 because that is what I have said all along!!!!Please sweet death come take this pedophile and send him to hell! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 10, 2011 OK.....I am not sure how I was contradicting myself...I said that this was the issue from tbe beginning. The only thing I ever wanted to say was that I never used child porn...that is what I meant when I said I did nothing wrong. My uncle got convicted for raping a kid and proably feels much better than I do. I had some jerk therapist tell me pedophilia was in my blood.I really feel like I have taken a huge step backwards today. I went from thinking I just made a mistake to calling myself a pedophile. It could take forever to get that back! I told my psychiatrist everything I told you guys....pictures, speedos, maybe I masturbated....he says I am not a pedophile. It is going to take a hell of a lot of convincing after today though.The boys are not really an issue anymore. I have decided not to see them. After all, ever since I mentioned them, everyone has thought I am ready to have my way with them or something. I will end that relationship because it seems like everyone thinks that they are in danger of becoming my victims or something. Like I said, this is so far from the truth, but what the hell, don't want anyone to get hurt in case I snap, right? Eleven years I have worked with kids in the classroom, never had any urges, but there's a first for everything right? I mean I might be sexually abusing one tomorrow. That is the picture everyone is painting for me. I deeply love those boys like a father, but I am so far away from being sexual with them. Nonetheless, ending the friendship would be best is the message I am getting.See what I mean when I say I have taken a step backwards? And all because I said what I said all along. I don't get it but I know I feel much shittier than I did yesterday. It breaks my heart that you think I would ever be a danger to children. In this moment, all I really see as a way to feel good again is dying. I had gotten so far from that, but I will have to consider it again. From here, the only barrier is that I am still alive. I started dating my girlfriend one year ago tomorrow thiking I could get married and have kids. Now that seems so far from possible? How did life turn to crap in one year? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted September 10, 2011 Report Share Posted September 10, 2011 Hi sr,you can always look at the step that took you backwards and learn something about it, so that you recognise a backwards step earlier next time and see how you can influence things. You can influence things, even if you constantly feel like things are influencing you instead.I'm sure that you can find a way out of this with the qualified help you're getting in therapy. Good luck.S. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 SR, no one has said for sure that you're a pedophile. No one has said that you ARE a danger to children. They merely said that it's a possibility. No one has even called me (or the other pedophiles here) a danger to children. They've merely suggested that it's possible.Personally, I don't think you're a pedophile. I think you're simply cotastrophizing based on what's been suggested as a possibility. There was no need for you to have taken a huge step back today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 That is what pisses me off....that is what even suggested! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 And it understandably pissed you off the way it was suggested. What did you do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 By creating an unfalsifiable denial option. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 I'm in no need to further my point. I'm merely going back in time to the point the suggestion first came up recently, and that happens to be not your post. Cause in my view that is when it began being "even suggested". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Guys,I do not want to cause any drama....but here are the things I am having a hard time with:1. I AM NOT A DANGER TO CHILDREN!!! I do not fantasize about having relations with them, I don't try to picture them naked or having sex with me or anything like that! Oh my God, if I did, I would want to die ASAP!!2. I just want to know how to move on. I don't know exactly what I did....AND THAT IS HONEST!!! People are telling me that I shouldn't be ashamed if I just looked at the sites, and if I am guilty, something more must have happened. Well, I don't know if it did, so I just don't like the prying. People have commented "I wouldn't feel guilty if....", but I do. Just having looked is enough. If I used these sites sexually, I feel even worse, but I am not trying to determine what I did. Just how to move forward. I don't need to pinpoint why it is I feel guilty, just knowing that I have that feeling is bad enough. I appreciate everyone wanting to help, really, but if you want to help me, just suggest things like this therapy technique, or that psychologist. I need things to try in the future, not look back and dissect my past.Thanks!SR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindyh Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 You just move forward with your life. You take it day by day or minute by minute.. But in order to move on you have to learn how to stop obsessing. Just accept what you did our did not do and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 I don't need to pinpoint why it is I feel guilty, just knowing that I have that feeling is bad enough.We all have different beliefs about how to help you. Pinpointing why you feel guilty doesn't have to be used in a negative way. I've said it many times before: I don't believe that you're a pedophile.When I'm asking you to dwell on exactly why you feel guilty, it's not to suggest that you did something worse. It's not to suggest that you're a pedophile. My hope was that through discussion, you could see that there really is no reason to feel guilty. Guilt exists for a reason. What I'm understanding from you is that you "know" that what you did was evil, but you don't know why it was evil. If you don't have an answer that strays from, "It just is," or, "Because other people say it is," I don't think you really have reason to feel guilty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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