soregretful Posted August 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 Allan,Dr. Goldstein had a lot of things on the site. Can you send a link?Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2011 Why do I know these sites are there? I stand by the fact none are illegal but I feel like the only way to feel happy again is to have no idea of their existence. Damn! It is like I am here but I am not completely here....like an out of body experience. I hate this. I am an awesomw teacher too....w2hy couldn't I just have stayed away? Its not like its hard to do. The fact there are sites says some people have a problem but some of the comments on them I would never make. Man I can't understand how I got here. I love kids and have had plenty of good times with them as a teacher so what made this come back so damn strong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2011 This is one of those situations where I feel like no one can help me. Why did I do this? Oh man, I screwed up so bad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted August 7, 2011 Report Share Posted August 7, 2011 I'd suggest that it is in fact very difficult to have stayed away from something you haven't stayed away from. Maybe you can find yourself an easier task. I hope you find those mindfullness articles helpful. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted August 7, 2011 Report Share Posted August 7, 2011 Come on SR, just calm down a little. There's no sense in asking yourself "Why did I do this?" "Why now?" etc etc etc. You're cotastrophizing. You're panicking. What I've learned is that focusing on the stress does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for you except make you feel much worse. I wish it were as simple as just saying "Don't focus on it," but I know it's not that easy. The fact of the matter is you just need to take some deep breaths and take everything one step at a time.You've asked over and over again why these memories came back to you, and over and over, you've been told from several people (myself included) that while there's really no way to tell, more than likely this came from your fear of abandonment that arose after your grandmother passed.You need to get a hold over yourself. You did for a short while, and I know that felt great. There's no reason you can't do that again. I bet you would feel so much better if you committed to your girlfriend already. Let her stand by your side and hold your hand. You already bought an engagement ring. You know that this is what you want to do. You're going to make it through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 I'd suggest that it is in fact very difficult to have stayed away from something you haven't stayed away from. Maybe you can find yourself an easier task. I hope you find those mindfullness articles helpful. Take care.The thing is that I had stayed away for a LONG time and now it won't leave. I am actually looking into hypnotherapy to see if they can help me not think about this so much. I know it is a long shot, but I want to be proactive and try everything I think has the potential to be successful. I NEED to be happy....I have a new batch of first graders coming in and I would hate to drag them down. Also, I don't want to look at them and think of the websites. That is not who I am. I start school on August 30. I have to get some relief by then! In a way, I kind of miss Sissa being on here. Sometimes he could have his opinions, but he meant so well and gave some good advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 Anyone ever try or know anything about hypnosis? Am I a prisoner of these thoughts for the rest of my life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 Hi soregretful Sorry that your thoughts are still haunting you hun Erm over the years I have known a couple of friends that have tried Hypnosis. For one of my friends it worked, she had been trying to give up smoking for years. But then she had faith in hypnosis, and maybe that is why it worked. My other friend wanted hypnosis for flashbacks, and well despite having hypnotherapy over a long period of time, it did not work for her.I remain very sceptical about it. But I guess there is no harm in trying it, if thats what you want to do. Just check out references etc, as in this country (GB) there are a lot of scam artists about that offer amazing results - guaranteed, yeah right But then dont all con artists offer that ??? Guess I havnt really helped - sorry, but I wish you all the best in overcoming your obsessive thoughts.Oh have you tried or thought about CBT ? That could help you.Take care ps, I kinda miss Sissa too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 SR,You really should take a look at Elisha Goldstein's posts. He's a clinical psychologist, writer for Mental Help Net and an expert in Mindfullness. In his writings you can learn a lot about how to deal with this obsessional thinking of your's.As for hypnosis. I am not an advocate. It's not harmful, except for the money you will spend. It's problem is that it won't have any real lasting impact on the way you think. I suppose it has somewhat helped in getting people to stop smoking or to reduce pain. There is nothing magical about hypnosis. In my opinion, it just doesn't do much.If you want to try a different but respected type of psychological treatment that seems to get good results, you might try EMDR.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 What is that Allan? I really feel like so much of this is due to those boys growing up. My heart is breaking and I think that that depression lead to this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted August 11, 2011 Report Share Posted August 11, 2011 You can still love them when they grow up, SR. Relationships change and grow. Everything does. We have to try to accept this and walk with it. What is it that you feel you are losing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2011 I feel like I am losing a big piece of my heart. I hardly see them anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted August 11, 2011 Report Share Posted August 11, 2011 They're not dying, SR. Just growing up.You know, that point will come with your own kids, one day.You'll need to be prepared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted August 11, 2011 Report Share Posted August 11, 2011 I feel like I am losing a big piece of my heart. I hardly see them anymore.This doesn't make any sense to me. Aren't you putting yourself through an infinite loop of pain? I thought you didn't like to be around them because you don't want them to see you so upset. And you're upset because you don't see them often? I can think of a solution...I thought you told me a few days ago (via messages) that you're actually starting to see them a lot more lately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2011 I love them like I should love my girlfriend..I feel like I can't live without them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2011 They're not dying, SR. Just growing up.You know, that point will come with your own kids, one day.You'll need to be prepared.Even if I could by some miracle love myself ebnough to have kids I would still miss these boys. And it could have been them on the websites. So dumb! This sdeems lmike it will never get better. Today one of my high school classmates was murdered. She had a little boy. All I can think is why God didn't take me instead of her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted August 12, 2011 Report Share Posted August 12, 2011 "All I can think is why God didn't take me instead of her."Potentially fertile food for thought for any of us. Why are we here?I'm not asking for answers, or expecting to provide any.There are probably as many possible answers as there are people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted August 12, 2011 Report Share Posted August 12, 2011 Oh soregretful,Im so sorry about your old class mate Please try and be gentle with you Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Hey guys.....Circumstances have put the boys back into my life. Maybe that's Gods way of helping me heal. I don't know. I also think that as far as my relationship goes I rushed into it to stop the bleeding. I don't know. All I want is to not remember the sites I looked at even though they were completely legal. I really haven't done anything wrong at all. I forgot who it was but someone said if I took this to the cops they would tell me to go home. I have a decade of first graders who love me. But the thing is no matter what happens I have this huge sense of losing these boys. I will be with them a lot more but I just don't want to give them up. Do you guys have any words for me tonight? Thanks....sr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 The only words I've got for you tonight are that you've been like a father to these boys, and it's understandable why you're so attached. You're not losing them yet, and there's no reason to believe that you will in the future. Just as one's kids never really leave one's life, the same may be true for your relationship with the boys. You can eventually start your own family, while remaining close to the boys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Hi sr,you seem to be having doubts about your relationship. And I think you're right in finding that you can't expect it to solve all problems. It's not a magic blind eye. Relationships change over time. Or so I've heard. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Everyone suggested that I date to keep busy after all these losses. I am not sure that that was the answer. The weird thing is I did it and for the first few months, it seemed OK. Further depression put me where I am now. I am told getting on with my life is key, and marriage is a part of that if that is what I want. I don't think I agree. I do not want to get married unless I feel like myself. So where does this end? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 "I do not want to get married unless I feel like myself. So where does this end?"You'd have to tell us. Which part of yourself don't you feel like? Keep in mind that the part you appear to have a problem with isn't even a part of you any more. Or to turn it a different direction: how can you be anyone other than yourself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 OK,Scheduled an EMDR session. Not sure what to hope for but I described my situation to the clinician and she seems to think its worth a shot. Ugh! One of my other therapists told me that obsessions develop so we don't have to think about something painful. Could losing the boys (or the thought of doing so) be the cause of all of this? It still doesn't excuse I know who the Chippendiddys are. I don't want to die, but it is so hard to live. Add to that my brother is also suicidal from physical pain....what the heck happened? I feel awful. I have been a mostly good person...why can't I just be happy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 A little girl from two years ago and her family invited me out to dinner. The little girl really liked me...she must have to invite me out to dinner two years later. I AM A GOOD PERSON! Did I make a mistake? Yeah, I guess. I refuse to pay for it the rest of my life. This is crap. There has got to be something I can do to escape my thoughts. I am a good teacher and a good person!!! I do not deserve the crap I am going through!! Please God, help me find a way to not remember this. I looked at all these kids and realized damnit, I am a good human being! There is a reason I decided to teach, and that is because I am damn good at it! Help me God so that I may keep doing what I love! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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