What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[JaiJai]

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[soregretful]

Jai,

I wish I were kidding or testing some hypothesis. I mean, if anyone had read these stories why wouldn't they feel horrible? I AM going to doctors and counselors. What would you do Jai? I WANT to feel better but thinking about the names of these sites is crippling. What would you do?

[soregretful]

And what do you mean when you say my brain is malfunctioning? I think it is acting exactly like it is supposed to...when you do something wrong, you should be punished. That is what my brain is doing to me. Only by never having put this in my mind would I feel good about myself. It's like if you put something other than gas in your car...it will, as you say, malfunction. I am the one who put the names of these sites in my head, so I have to deal with the malfunction that I created. No?

[IrmaJean]

I'm wanting to be very gentle with you here, SR. You seem to have a tendency to bring yourself back to the source of pain and anxiety and then repeatedly beat yourself over the head with it. It's a pattern of thinking that only serves to hurt you further. This is not meant as judgment or criticism. It is observation on my part. One thing I've also noticed in reading through your posts is that when you begin doing this, I start to tune out. Such observations (my reactions to your words) can also offer clues. I wonder then if this behavior could be representative of your own tuning out or avoidance of deeper concerns? These are my (not a professional) thoughts and they may or may not fit for you. I understand that you feel badly about this. The question being what can you do to help yourself feel better?

[soregretful]

Wow, seriously Soregretful, you are writing word for word the same thing you were writing months ago. I sure hope you are seeking professional help. You're obsession with this is way past normal anxiety. In a way, I kinda hope you're some kind of social / psych student running a bizarre experiment. "I propose to test the frustration levels of complete strangers by posing the exact same unanswerable question over and over"

Seriously. Your brain is malfunctioning. Go to the Doctor!

I wish I were running an experiment! I just can't get this crap out of my head. Everyone says I am obsessing and to go to the doctor and get meds. Well, check, check, and check! I am out of ideas. I just don't feel good about myself anymore.

[Musicman]

Maybe I'm out of line by asking this, but WHY do you feel so terrible about what you did? The only victim in any of this is yourself. To expect that you'd never make a bad mistake (or any mistake for that matter) is entirely unrealistic. Everyone makes bad mistakes that they really regret. But ask yourself: Why do you feel so guilty about what you did? You didn't hurt anyone. You're not a pedophile. You didn't go looking for the stories that you found. You seem to be telling yourself that you're evil for having gone to those websites.

[soregretful]

I just feel like anyone who reads stories or looks at chippendiddys or kids in speedos is probably not the best person. Kids are not supposed to be looked at like that. I mean anyone on the street knows that...why didn't I? All I think about when I relax is the website names...I'm not trying to...I just do. I have no excuse for why I looked at this....I really don't and it could have been so long ago. All I know is I was absolutely heartbroken about those boys growing up beforew this happened. I was getting counseling and treatment for depression and this just blew up. Half way in. I am stuck in hell.

[soregretful]

And I do feel evil for going to those sites. The people that make them or write the stories don't...go figure. For the life of me I can't think of a reason I shouldn't feel evil. I am scared i will be like this forever.

[SweetSue]

You have it inside of you to move forward from this soregretful.

You deserve to allow yourself to start moving forward with your life. Dont you think you have tortured yourself enough?

Why cant you forgive yourself for making a mistake - we all make them - its part of learning.

Hope that your week is kind to you

Take care

[JaiJai]

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[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Do you realise you answered the same post twice? I was actually interested in seeing what you would answer IrmaJean, so I didn't post earlier, cause I thought that might deflect your attention. Seems that was unnecessary.

Anyway, I wanted to comment on

"I think it is acting exactly like it is supposed to...when you do something wrong, you should be punished."

This is much what I meant with the black and white, right and wrong you often bring up. My question would be: is self-mutilation right? Why, when and what for? Discuss. ; )

[soregretful]

Maybe you're in denial about really being a pedophile.

I don't have any room for that kind of crap on this thread. If you are just going to poke fun at me, get lost.

[Guest ASchwartz]

JaiJai,

I agree with SR. That comment is totally inappropriate for here. You are accusing SR of being a pedophile and we do not need anyone accusing anyone else of anything. This must stop. I am also hearing about some other unfortunate things you have done. I won't be specific but consider yourself warned that these negative behaviors must stop.

To all,

The nature of our psychology is that we do indeed tend to go around and around, meaning that we repeat the same old things. This is magnified greatly when you have an obsessional disorder as I suspect SR has.

SR, we all know how you suffer. Your need to beat yourself is incredible. This is why I'm curious about the EMDR, are you as yet finding it helpful?

Allan

[JaiJai]

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[soregretful]

Jai,

No, I am not in denial about anything. The whole speedo thing came up before I even met the boys. When I was in my teens perhaps. It came roaring back at me. It is like before I was able to chalk it up to just being young and stupid or whatever. The fetish or fantasy or whatever it is never coexisted with me knowing the boys. It was put to bed and then awakened. Do I fantasize about sex with kids? Uh, no! So, no, I am not fighting some kind of urge or anything....not at all.I would never hurt a kid or even fantasize about doing so. Let's put the talk of pedophilia to bed now.

As far as the EMDR, I have only given background so far, Allan. I haven't actually started the EMDR itself. I know there are people out there who have seen a lot worse than I have, but I just feel so much disappointment in myself. Again, I am not trying to cause anyone to argue against one another, I just want to feel better. Suggesting I may be denying that I am some kind of monster hardly seems therapeutic, Jai and I don't want to see it here anymore.

[IrmaJean]

Jai, it is okay to discuss and disagree, but we must always respect one another. Please change your profile picture immediately or I will be forced to issue a formal warning.

[soregretful]

Pseudome......

I am not sure how the comment is appropriate. I am already feeling bad about what I did....some other people may have done what I did and feel nothing.but to say I am denying I might be a pedophile....that helps no one. I want to move forwarard not regress. Its like if someone watched porn and I said maybe they are a closet rapist. If I thought I was a pedophile I would not even be alive. I don't want to have sex with a kid...never have....never thought about it....so how can I be in denial? I just want help...and to have something posted that pushes me back....no...its not helpful. I lookdd at no child porn.....nothing illegal...so I just want help feeling better...not worse. I also don't like having things sent to me that may trigger me..that is not right.

[Jack's Smirking Revenge]

Wow this is long thread. That is all.

[JaiJai]

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[soregretful]

I am not even sure what I did....I siad possibly from the beginning. The kids I am talking about are like family to me and I have this huge sense of loss when it comes to tghm growing up. It isn't like that with all kids....just these two I almost pseudo parented at times. I just don't like comments that maybe I am denying I am a pedophile....ok I know I looked at these speedo pictures.....it was something I wanted when I was young. I know who the chippendiddys are....probably related to the speedo searches. And laslty I happened upon the worst story site in the world that talked abot kids having sex. If you typw in speedo stories it comes up.....again I believe because of the speedo search. It isn't like I typed in sex with kids on a search engine. The feelings I have for those two boys isn't lustful. Its a love aqnd a sense of loss you might feel if your kids went away to college. I just really miss them....I don't want to have sex with them. So just because I looked at pictures of kids in speedos among many other normal things I don't like being suggested that maybe I am denying I am a pedophile. It is that kind of comment that takes me backwards.I am also swearing off all porn because it is probably that that made me crazy in the first place. Some people know I have the names of these sites in my head and to send me links to more sites doesn't help me. But I don't have the agenda of screwing a kid EVER so I just didn't appreciate the comment.anyone who has read my posts knows that would not be a good thing to say to me.

[Musicman]

Pseud, you, like everyone else here, have the right to state your opinion. You make some valid points -- the same ones that ended up really getting me thinking a while back.

However, I just thought you should know that SR is not actually sure that he ever masturbated to the images. Having followed his threads since the beginning, I can tell that he tends to cotastrophize. I think that we all talked about that with him at length a long time ago. Anyway, there's a good chance that he never used the images inappropriately. He's said so himself.

Having said all that, SR, I think that your affection to the boys is too extreme. I can understand why you feel like a pseudoparent to them, but the grief that you've described because of them growing up... well... that's more than any parent should feel. Plus, it's not like they've totally grown up. The point, though, is that what you're feeling is just unhealthy. How is your social life? Do you have close friends who you can easily relate to?

[soregretful]

No parent would feel like this, MM, because parents are always need by their children. I just have this feeling of not being needed anymore. Also, most parents have a relationship of more than 5 years with their kids. I just feel like this came to an end.

Thanks for mentioning about the images...I never said from the beginning that I used them. I am just so guilty I just probably thought I probably did this or that even though I am not even sure!!!!

According to the DSM-IV, here is the definition of pedophilia:

As a medical diagnosis, pedophilia (or paedophilia) is defined as a psychiatric disorder in adults or late adolescents (persons age 16 or older) typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children (generally age 13 years or younger, though onset of puberty may vary). The child must be at least five years younger in the case of adolescent pedophiles (16 or older) to be termed pedophilia.

Well, let me make it clear that I do NOT have a primary or sexual interest in children. I would like to have my own family...I would like to become intimate with a woman I care about. That is my primary interest. I have used images of women like most men have, even in the recent present to test my arousal. Not that I am proud of that, but it is worth mentioning.

I am not attracted to the kids as much as I am the Speedos. That has been a part of my life as early as 4th grade when I first discovered them. That is what arouses me. I tend to have these somewhat exhibitionist fantasies, of which the Speedos are part. I could not just look at a little kid and get aroused sexually....a true pedophile could! I probably could not, as a therapist suggested, even look at a naked image of a kid and get aroused because it is not the kid that arouses me....it is what is being worn.

I have in the past just been aroused by images of Speedos, etc. There doesn't even have to be anyone wearing them. So maybe that says something, I don't know. I know I am aroused by plenty of other healthy things.

If I had never even mentioned these boys or never even met them, my issues would still be with the content I saw on the internet. I even posted it once because I wanted people to see it was not child porn or anything remotely similar. But given that definition, I will say that I am NOT in denial about being a pedophile because that is not my primary sexual interest. I have NO interest in having sex with kids!!!

Also, I can't stress enough how I did not go looking for anything with kids and sex. I looked at kids in Speedos, OK....it could be a swim team page...my gosh! I just feel like looking at these things has really left me confused, but it all started a long time ago!

[Musicman]

Let's try it this way: Do you consider yourself a bad person? If so, why?

And be specific. I want to see the direction that this heads in.

[soregretful]

In some ways, yes, I consider myself evil.

I did not have to read any stories. I may not have known what was there, but the fact that I was searching for content that got me there is inexcusable. That is what makes me evil. If I was looking for Speedo stories and that came up, well you know what, maybe I shouldn't have been looking for Speedo stories.

Yeah, I am a bad person....a good person would know nothing about any of these sites.

And I am more confident than ever that this is how I found the site...I did a search for speedo stories, it didn't take long to find the site that will plague me the rest of my life!

[Musicman]

You really only answered the first question. I still want to know WHY does having looked at those sites make you an evil person? What about you has fundamentally changed because you know about these sites?