IrmaJean Posted August 27, 2011 Report Share Posted August 27, 2011 We're back to that then? I know how hard it can be to look at yourself, SR. I got triggered myself this week.Is this your way of turning away from the deeper issue here? What are you avoiding? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 A huge iswsue is the boys but that is beside the point. I could be happy if I didn't know about these sites or the chippendiddys or anything remotely pedophilic. Why do I know them? Its like I feel a good person wouldn't know this stuff. So why do I? Herego I am a bad person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 A huge iswsue is the boys but that is beside the point. I could be happy if I didn't know about these sites or the chippendiddys or anything remotely pedophilic. Why do I know them? Its like I feel a good person wouldn't know this stuff. So why do I? Herego I am a bad person.And would a BAD person have become a devoted teacher to young children so that he could lead them on a good path? Would a BAD person have offered all of his help and support to a family who needed it desperately? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 Thank you for the reply. It seems your family was confronted with many different stresses lately. Maybe that changed your relationship with them and the old family patterns. I can understand what it's like to feel like everyone else has read the handbook and accomplished stuff, although judging by how old you feel, you definitely had much more time to do so.You see, I think what matters is that you can't pretend to be innocent in all this. Of course you are responsible for your actions like everyone else. You can't pretend to be guilty in all of this either. Much as you try, you don't have a convincing case. So why not try to set aside the kind of black and white stuff that doesn't apply and go for grey? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2011 Not sure what you mean by I can't pretend I'm guilt soo. But I do appreciate your support. Like I said I haver been in the classroom for 10 yeras already and it had been heaven! I loved what I did. Now I just feel dirty. I mean this in the most unsexual way.....I love kids! Teaching is what I was meant to do...no doubt. I do stay firfm to the fact that I never looked up child stories but somehow I did find them. I just want the sites to go away. I would never harm a kid. I stilml want one of my own but I won't even allow myself to try. My therapist is aware of offenders having children. I would not be able to function if I hurt a kiddo. So how can an offender go on? I never even looked at anything illegal.still feel like crap though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted August 29, 2011 Report Share Posted August 29, 2011 SR,If I may, I want to go back to my question about why these boys seem so important to you. You ask the question of how I would feel if a family befriended me and then no longer wanted me around (I'm roughly paraphrasing). In any case, if it was me, I would just move on. Why stick around where I am not wanted, boys or no boys? In my opinion, by wanting to be with these boys and by going to those webites, you only torture yourself. Musicman is absolutely right. Good work musicman.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2011 I'm not going to any sites....its just that I had been there. And as for not being wanted I habg around because I am still needed at some level. At any rate I could move on if these sites weren't always with me.....I am not going on them...its just that I know they are there.believe me I am not going on them so that I can try to forget them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Tomorrow is the start of another school year. I am scared. Not the usual meeting your students butterflies in the stomach kind of scared, but really scared for me. I am scared that the things I have seen on the internet will haunt me forever. This is so sad because I was a dynamite teacher when I had a clear mind and conscience. I am scared that I will never be happy again. I am scared that there is no way out of this problem. Though I did not hurt a single soul, I am scared I may hurt myself if the guilt gets bad enough. I never looked at anything illegal and I never did this when I was a teacher. Some people looked at the things I saw and just laughed, including my parents. So, if it isn't that big of a deal, why can't I see it that way? Why can't it be a big deal to me? What am I going to do? My psychatrist says this is just a scar I will have...OK...even scars become almost invisible at some point. I wish I were born in a time where the internet wasn't around because it is much of an enemy as a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 I'm sorry you feel so scared. I hope things go well for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Just wish I knew a way out of this! It's like I can never be happy again! Going to work and keeping busy did seem to take my mind off of things. I can't believe I am here....my poor parents...I overheard my mom say "God, what did I do to deserve this?" Nothing! She deserves so much better! I wish I could just be happy and make her proud again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 SR, do you think she was questioning what she did to deserve your having viewed those websites, or is she asking what she did to deserve YOUR going through so much pain? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 31, 2011 In my heart of hearts, I think she meant more of the first one. My brother is suffering in a lot of pain right now and both of us have talked about suicide. Can you imagine what hell that is for a parent? Not only one, but both of your children want to kill themselves? She says that what I did was not a big deal and believe me, I told her. She is relieved I did not hurt anyone. She says it was actually nothing to be impressed about, but actually I think that the comment was made because we are both so miserable at the same time. I am just so PISSED off because I brought this on myself. I have heard of people doing FAR worse and feeling happy. In fact, in the news right now, we have a guy in our city that killed 11 different women and buried their bodies in his yard. Now, that is something to feel like crap about!!! So how did this dude get up every day and go to work knowing he ruined and ended lives? This was over the course of years!!!!!! How did he have a family after this? What the hell? Why can't I feel like I can deserve a little happiness and a family of my own when God gave a serial killer one? It just pisses me off that I did this to myself. S**@!! The boys are a lot more back in my life too, which is awesome, but I can't even be happy around them! It was like that in October of last year.....before any of this website crap popped into my head. I mean, memory is a funny ass thing. Why did this not paralyze me so damn much for the last decade? I don't get it and do not feel like God forgives me completely...though I want to believe he does. I can't even go to church, which I did regularly just to "feel good" for the last few years! Now I can't even make it through a service without crying or feeling like a pervert. I mean, a teacher who knows about these terrible stories with kids? Why do I know this when I shouldn't!!!! DAMNIT!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted August 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 31, 2011 I just want to know....is there a way out of this? Allan, I have seen you comment on how this can be fixed with the right therapist? What does that mean? What would the "right therapist" do? Would they help me redirect my thoughts? What would I do here? I have all of these wonderful sweet little first graders depending on me to deliver. That is such a huge task! Also, I want to perhaps try to have my own kids? How would I even go about this? People who do worse have families (see above)? What do I need to do to find the right therapist? Everyone I have seen except for one guy has been so helpful and not judged me. A few of them have even told me that some people that they have seen have done worse. I really did nothing wrong, just something that makes me feel bad....so how do I get out of this freaking prison I put myself in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted September 1, 2011 Report Share Posted September 1, 2011 SR,I really feel for you and your suffering. By the right therapist, I was thinking about the right therapy. Perhaps cognitive behavioral or EMDR.Also, maybe a good psychiatrist who can suggest a medication to relieve your obsessional thinking.All of us want to help you.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2011 I am trying EMDR tomorrow. Allan, how is this supposed to work? Is it supposed to decrease how often I think about this? Can it like almost be taken out for a while? I never hurt anyone....I just looked at some things that were legal (some of them I wish weren't, then I wouldn't have seen them) that I am not proud of. I can't pretend I am inncocent, but I didn't do anything to break any laws. I am tired of just being sad all the time. I know this was a while ago too...I just want to feel like living, and right now, I am just so sad that all I feel like is giving up. I don't want to just think about the names of these websites all the time. It is draining...I am not the person I used to be. I miss him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2011 As for medication, I have been on Luvox for a while. Not really feeling any different. I did see some articles online where the patients who were on a beta blocker actually had some success in forgetting painful memories. Should I ask about this? I just want to enjoy life! I bought groceries for the first time in almost a year...small victory I guess. I am really a good person...parents trust me with their children and I do love kids in a nonsexual way. I am a good teacher, I just don't feel like a good person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted September 1, 2011 Report Share Posted September 1, 2011 As far as I know you already have a therapist, so maybe part of the success is in making use of the therapy you have? Good luck for the EMDR tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Thanks, SoO!Really, if you ever met me in person, I am not a vicious person at all. I love and want to help kids, which is why I chose to become a teacher. I just want there to be a way to not think of this anymore. I want to almost be knocked out and forget it. And again, nothing was illegal. I am wondering now why stories about anything can be written, no matter how horrifying the content. As for the things I saw, none of them were the least bit illegal either...I just feel like scum for watching them, but so did plenty of other people. The thing that is the most curious in all of this is why these things are coming back to haunt me now. That is the darndest thing. I hope EMDR goes well too! This therapist is also a hypnotherapist, so we will see what that brings. I am still mad that a person can kill 11 people and end up having a family of their own....hardly seems fair that I did nothing that bad and can't even be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 SR,By the time you read this you may have had your first EMDR session. It's a very different type of psychotherapy but it has helped a great many people. Hopefully, this will help reduce the stress, trauma and anxiey that burdens you so very much. Please remember, it's important to keep at it and not make any judgements based on a few sessions. Give it a chance. As I said, I have gotten wonderful reports from people who have been through it. Also, I have known a few therapists whose practices are exclusively EMDR and they are excellent.Let us know how it goes.Good Luck,Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 A lot of background today instead of EMDR. I was telling the therapist about my past, etc. with the speedos, etc. All of it is tied to that, I am sure. I don't know why, maybe it is being back at work with the kids, but I sort of feel a little better. I love teaching! The kids are really good this year and I have almost felt like my old self. One other thing I examined was my changed views on life since the depression took over....I feel things like each day I live is one day closer to dying, and like the second you are born a counting clock goes into place which someday will stop, etc. I don't like feeling like this, but it is all true. I think that maybe part of this is that I am having a hard time aging. Relative to my peers and classmates, I was one of the younger students in my class. However, with grandma dying, I was no longer anyone's grandson. The same is true of the boys growing up, it is like I lost a friend. The therapist even mentioned to me that at times I talked like a little boy. I was kind of surprised by that but did not have her elaborate on it. Kind of weird to hear that. I also told her I kind of related the whole speedo thing to being young. I think some really deep seeded things came out today, one of which is that I am scared of getting older. I really think there is some truth to that, especially given that I am not married, etc. like most people may age are. I hope the EMDR helps. I also will ask about hypnotherapy. In researching the internet, I also found a beta blocker drug that may be helpful called propranolol. I am going to ask about it when I have my pysch appointment next week. Every therapist I have seen has said that they have seen and helped people who have done worse than me....so maybe there is hope. I just want the damn websites to stop coming to surface in my head! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted September 3, 2011 Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 Having a hard time aging may really be about a fear of death. I feel that too, at times. Does that fit for you at all, SR? This new awareness of one's mortality can also be a positive thing, though. I feel like I am able to appreciate everything that much more now. Wishing you peace today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 I do fear death more now than ever. It is to a point where I am not enjoying living. I mean every day is closer to death. Maybe depression put me there I don't know. Still no excuse for the websites with the horrible stories and the rest of what[HTML][/HTML] I looked at. Seriously want to try hypnosis. What would any of you do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 I am going to be thinking about these websites every day until I die, aren't I? So long happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 Round and round and round.... What can you do, SR, to break this cycle?How about reframing to start with?I am having difficulty keeping these web sites off my mind right now. I can work to change my patterns of thoughts. I can have a happy future.What do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Irma,I would love to think that way, but I haven't seemed to find anything to take these sites off of my mind. The thing is, they are all legal. I think I am just disappointed in myself for knowing about them. That is what so much of this is...disappointment. I looked at stuff that was not illegal by any means, but it goes against children, who I was supposed to do everything to advocate. Surprisingly, I am having an OK school year, but I am just not into it as much as I should be. I want to feel better, but I don't know how. I don't know what will take this stuff off of my mind. Again, I broke no laws, just feeling so much self disappointment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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