What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[Musicman]

A little girl from two years ago and her family invited me out to dinner. The little girl really liked me...she must have to invite me out to dinner two years later. I AM A GOOD PERSON! Did I make a mistake? Yeah, I guess. I refuse to pay for it the rest of my life. This is crap. There has got to be something I can do to escape my thoughts. I am a good teacher and a good person!!! I do not deserve the crap I am going through!! Please God, help me find a way to not remember this. I looked at all these kids and realized damnit, I am a good human being! There is a reason I decided to teach, and that is because I am damn good at it! Help me God so that I may keep doing what I love!

I really like what I'm reading here Good for you!

[soregretful]

Believe me, MM,

I just want to feel better. My life would be pretty good if not for the fact that I was thinking about these websites all the time. None of them are illegal like I said, it is just that a lot of people would think as much of me as I do if they knew I had seen them. My psychotherapist says he is seeing a guy that molested infants. How the heck could you live with yourself? I don't get it. Other people who have done far worse than me feel great, so why the heck can't I? I have done so much for kids, and that is why I say there has to be something I can do to feel better. Right? If there is, I haven't found it yet!

[Musicman]

it is just that a lot of people would think as much of me as I do if they knew I had seen them.

I find that statement really interesting. You may be right. However, keep in mind that this hasn't been the case so far. Everyone who you told still loves you. It reminds me of the classic anxiety cure. What some therapists do is they ask what the possible bad outcomes are for a situation that makes you anxious, and then they make you involve yourself in the situation. The idea is that you can see that the thoughts are actually outrageous, no matter how much sense they may make to the patient. I'm not suggesting you just go and tell people what you did. However, you SHOULD note that every person you've told has taken it well.

My psychotherapist says he is seeing a guy that molested infants. How the heck could you live with yourself? I don't get it. Other people who have done far worse than me feel great, so why the heck can't I?

I don't know how anyone could live with themselves. It is the most vile thing I can think of. If I EVER touched a child, I'd IMMEDIATELY kill myself. I'd actually kill myself if I ever THOUGHT I was going to touch a child, but thankfully, I'm not a ticking time bomb, as many people seem to think that all pedophiles are. The fact that you feel guilt and remorse for much less just proves that you're human. That guy, and well, all other child molesters, are entirely inhuman.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

So in your opinion, a child molester who is seeing a therapist feels "great" and should have the decency to unexist for knightly reasons.

[Guest ASchwartz]

SR and MM,

SR, despite all that you have written I still do not understand you fascination with these boys? It very much has the same quality of obsessional thinking as the rest of it does, such as going to those websites and judging yoursel harshly.

MM, pedophilia aroused very negative feelings in people, as I wrote to you in the other forum. Most would agree that a person who truly is pedophiliac is a ticking time bomb. That is why I have serious doubts that you have this problem and the same for SR.

Allan

[soregretful]

Allan,

It is not as much a fascination as I was brought into their lives by their parents and now I feel like I am being sort of kicked out. I helped out as much as I could....believe me, I could have let them walk out the door as easily as any other student. But in trying to be a good friend, I rushed in when I was needed.....watching the kids, taking them to school, whatever. I did this because I was asked to and any good person would help them out of a jam. They really had no one else to ask.

Now, imagine that someone has made you feel like a part of their family for four years and now all of a sudden, it is like they want nothing to do with you. That is kind of how I felt for a while. I invested so much of my time that I just kind of felt like I was kicked to the side. Maybe, just maybe, if I didn't get so close to them, I would not be in the spot where I am today. I thought at the time I was doing the right thing, but I only ended up getting hurt. It would be like if I were in a relationship and gave the girl everything, and after four years she just told me to shove off. I am not trying ot be obsessed about the boys in any way, it is just that I was always there when needed and now it is kind of like I am not needed and it hurts.

[soregretful]

So in your opinion, a child molester who is seeing a therapist feels "great" and should have the decency to unexist for knightly reasons.

I don't feel like anyone should unexist. I just want to know how someone who did something so much worse works through it.

[Musicman]

Now, imagine that someone has made you feel like a part of their family for four years and now all of a sudden, it is like they want nothing to do with you. That is kind of how I felt for a while. I invested so much of my time that I just kind of felt like I was kicked to the side. Maybe, just maybe, if I didn't get so close to them, I would not be in the spot where I am today. I thought at the time I was doing the right thing, but I only ended up getting hurt. It would be like if I were in a relationship and gave the girl everything, and after four years she just told me to shove off. I am not trying ot be obsessed about the boys in any way, it is just that I was always there when needed and now it is kind of like I am not needed and it hurts.

I find this really peculiar. You've stated before that the boys still really like to be around you. When you told their mother about your history, she was entirely forgiving, and encouraged you to remain close to the boys. I recall that she said something along the lines of "The boys need you in their lives." Why do you think that they're tossing you to the side?

[soregretful]

It is just that I haven't been invited to things that I usually was...like birthday parties, school functions, etc., that I was usually always a part of. I get this explanation.....they just wanted to invite their friends. Fine, I understand I am not a kid or whatever, but I should be invited to something. Like, I had to drop off a birthday card for both kids this year because I was not invited to either party...stuff like that baffles me. Also, one won an award at school and I had to go on facebook to find out about it. I mean, I usually know about stuff like that. Just small things, MM, but I feel like I am not a part in certain ways anymore. Now, it sucks, because I am just so sad thinking about all the crap in my head! I don't know what triggered this or whatever, but it never should have happened...I should not know about some of these sites...though they are all legal. I just feel like a soiled person for having this damn Speedo fetish.

[IrmaJean]

Ever feel left out as a child, SR? Were you able to interact comfortably with your peers? I'm wondering if any of this triggers left out/rejected feelings.

As to the boys, yes, this is a part of them growing up. It happens to all parents. The day comes when the kids would rather spend time with their peers, and mom and dad are no longer fun to hang out with. Sure, it hurts a little...but this is something you adjust to while knowing that this is a healthy step of development. And you can sit back and watch them develop and grow into fine young men and be proud of that. I understand that this is a bit more challenging for you, SR, from a distance, but it is still possible.

[azqueeraz]

deleting posts.

[soregretful]

Az,

Maybe....I am in therapy. Just can't seem to forget Chippendiddys. I wish I never knew about it. Then there are the people who made that movie. Not that it is pornographic or anything, but I can't seem to let it go. I don't want to think the worst of myself, but the fact I know about this movie makes it so hard. It is like I can not concentrate on anything else and it sucks. Not sure what therapy would do, but I am going. Also going to EMDR, as suggested by Allan. It's like I want to unremember this, but I can't, which is stupid...a lot of people laugh at what I am obsessing about...there was nothing illegal about it and it IS on YouTube. I just feel terrible for knowing it is there! I just need a way to not think about this all the time because it is taking over my brain! On the other side, visiting the boys, and not having any physical responses, wonder why it happened in the first place?

[soregretful]

In looking at some of this and thinking about some of ur questions....I felt very old when my grandma died. I did feel kinda left out when I was a kid. I think the fear of getting older has something to do with this too. I compare myself to my classmates who have families already and I feel like a failure. My paretns were already married 14 years when they were my age. I felt this with the boys growing up too...kinda made me sad. That doesn't excuse what I did at all...I should not know about the websites I do...even though they are legal. All I do is keep playing them in my mind. Anyone can go look at them and nothing illegal...but I just keep listing them in my head. Hoping something makes me forget them.

[IrmaJean]

SR, have you noticed that every time you talk about something that seems very important, you go back to the websites? Is it possible that your anxiety over the websites distracts you from deeper matters, such as your existential feelings and fears?

[soregretful]

Irma,

Thanks makes a ton of sense when I think about the timing. All of these things happened to just get me down, particularly with my grandma and the boys. Maybe if they were just a bit younger, this would not be an issue. I don't know. It is one year today that she died. I think there was a brief period between August 24 and like October that I was OK. But when the thought of not having the boys in my life crossed my mind, I was a wreck. I cried so much just thinking about it. It doesn't excuse that I know the websites, but it does explain why all of it would come rushing back now. Like I had always said, I was extremely depressed before all of this came rushing in. I even remember a few sessions of counseling where I just talked about the boys...I wasn't even thinking about the sites. I am sooooooo scared because I have to start work again tomorrow and my heart just isn't in it. I don't know what to do anymore! I LOVE kids and would never hurt one, but why did I read a pedophilic story (though it may very well have been on accident....I would never search out something like this). The other thing is the Chippendiddys....the boys that mimic the Chippendales....again, nothing illegal at all....no nudity, and it is on youtube for crying out loud! Am I going to go through the rest of this year, or my life for that matter, looking at little boys and imagining them in their place. I am just sick. THe thing is it was a while ago and seemed like a nonissue before, maybe now I am stuck on it so I don't have to deal with the boys growing up. I just want to die!

[Musicman]

Just my two cents: I don't think the whole Chippendiddys thing is the root behind any of this. None of it was illegal, and you've admitted in the past that you're really not sure that you ever "used" the video or any photos. Perhaps people should be more careful about releasing these photos and videos, but they're not pornographic, and they're not meant to be. For having simply viewed the content, it doesn't mean you committed an evil act. A lot of people view such content, and the number of reasons can differ widely. I know that the comments people have made under the Chippendiddys video really bother you, but the truth is, for the people to post such comments, they had to click on the video link. They had their own reasons for watching it. To go around commenting that the video is a "pedophile's dream," that's simply hypocritical. If the content was that bad, they wouldn't click the link in the first place.

[soregretful]

Boy, MM,

That was just what I needed to hear right now! I never really even thought of it that way! Other people looked at the same thing and feel fine. The ones who comment know that it's out there too, but why can't I get it out of my mind? It would be like if I could just never see it or think about it again, I would be happy. I have an EMDR session tomorrow...hope to God it helps! I start school soon. I don't want to look at all of my little boys sexually. I ADORE kids and this will be my 11th year in the classroom. I just want to get back to where I was even two years ago. UGH! The sad thing is that the boys are begging me to tutor them, so I feel so needed again, it is so nice! MM, I am scared, and sad, and confused! It's like all I do every waking hour is remember the addresses of the websites.....ALL OF WHICH ARE LEGAL!!! I just feel like trash for having watched them or knowing they are there!

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

If you look for a cause you don't want to talk about, it could also be your grandmother. But either way, it would possibly help to get more connected with some peers.

I hope you have a good start at work.

[soregretful]

Today at preliminary EMDR session, it was again suggested that this obsessing could be the result of something I don't want to deal with. The most logical thing I could think of besides losing the boys, is aging. I remember a period of about a month where I just thought I was so old! Make any sense? I am hopeful that this person can help, as she does hypnotherapy too. I think that this may be good. I hope so....I have first graders coming in a few days. She did say I crossed boundaries with the boys too....that is something I may have to face. I only did what I thought was right at the time....never thought it would come back to be a bad thing.

[Musicman]

I'm not going to say one way or another whether you crossed boundaries or not. You very well may have, but the truth is that you were only acting out of what you thought was best, and that doesn't make you a bad person. You were there when the family needed you. Perhaps you shouldn't have done everything you did, but you shouldn't be angry at yourself for doing them.

What did your last therapist say about all this? Did he say that you crossed boundaries?

[soregretful]

No one ever really said it and before perhaps I was defensive, but again, that is not the issue I am having problems with. The only thing "crossing boundaries" may have done is make me love these people more and make their forthcoming separation that much more difficult. Again, however, that is really not the issue that I feel bad about. I feel bad about the websites I looked at. I feel the most pain because of this because it is what makes me feel like I can not build a future and have a family of my own. I feel so bad about looking at the websites. Interestingly enough, my borther told me that he remembers this stuff on the computer in like 1996-97. So, it was in my far past. Why the heck is it coming full swing now? I don't know! Maybe my closeness to this family and these boys brought it all out, but just so you can see I am telling the absolute truth....it is not like I am going on these sites now when I am teaching! What the heck? I can not figure this out. I just wnat this nightmare to be over! Crossing boundaries or not, there is no excuse for me having known about these websites....none! That is what I can not get past. No reason for me to know about the Chippendiddys...none! Why do I? What was I looking at or for that turned that up? How am I going to get past this? I do have this sensation of feeling very old. Maybe that has something to do with it....having my grandma die and the boys grow up at around the same time has left me feeling very old. Maybe that is what I am fearing.

[Musicman]

Need I remind you about the response I posted a yesterday? You seemed to agree with it last night. Many people have gone to these sites, and there are many different reasons why they may have done so. You don't know why you went on those sites. What you do know, though, is that anyone calling you a pedophile is simply an idiot because they viewed the content themselves.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

So you fear you're old? Maybe you think you're the wrong age for your age. But I think feeling old can also be a consequence of depression or loss. I remember feeling old as a teenager. Can you find different words for "old"?

[soregretful]

So you fear you're old? Maybe you think you're the wrong age for your age. But I think feeling old can also be a consequence of depression or loss. I remember feeling old as a teenager. Can you find different words for "old"?

Well, SoO,

I did not start feeling this way until things went downhill....and I mean way downhill...the death, feelings of loss, brother sick, bad class, pressures of relationship, dad losing job....that is when I started to feel this way. I guess I should say that given my age, I feel like I should be a lot further along in life now. But, interesting that you mention depression or loss...that is a HUGE part of what I think triggered this!

[soregretful]

You know what,

This is all my fault. I can not pretend like I am innocent in all of this. For some reason, I know about these sites. True, I may never have typed anything in about children and sex, or whatever, but for some reason, I know the addresses of these sites. I will suffer in hell. This is all my fault!!!! How did I screw up so bad? I have the best parents.....I never wanted this, no matter how old I was....there is no excuse for this! I can't act like a victim when I made this happen! Why oh why do I know the addresses of these sites!!!!?!?! I am a terrible person and hardly innocent! The thing is so many parents and kids love me....I hate myself!