memories

[58corvette]

So nice to here from you. I to have not been so well. But I continue to have Hope & Support Here. The fact you are feeling better physically is a start.

The Best To You

Sincerely; Jim

[chatterbox512]

Hey EN,

I am glad to see that you are reaching out to the community. I am also glad that you are feeling okay physically. The hardest is to get our minds to catch up with where our hearts are. Talk to me, I am here for you!! Keep taking care of you!!

[LaLa]

Dear EN,

I'm happy to see you posting again, too!

I also have got a break from this site, I still have, I only post a bit on my blog and in some threads sometimes - and I feel a bit bad about it, as it seems to me I'm selfish . I'd like to help others at least as I did sometimes before, mostly now, when I'm (mostly) not feeling bad myslef, so I can imagine how you feel - but your situation is different: You're in need, so you're among those who can post even only about themselves without feeling selfish. However, you were helping people here even when you felt bad and you can do it again, whenever you'll feel able to. And me... during this "break", I learn not to feel guilty about not investing my time to help others here. It might sound harsh :-(, but... I need to learn to focus more on what I have to do ("off-line") and writing here has always been a big temptation to me... so I learn to resist... But it seems to me that for you it would be better to learn the opposite: To communicate more with members here and not to feel guilty about it, about your needs.

I wonder if you have read the discussion below Luna's blog "Inadequate". It's very long and very very insightful. I'm sure you'd like it!

Best of luck to you, M.

L.

Edited February 2, 2011 by LaLa3

[Endlessnight]

Malign, i'm very sorry to hear about your father but i'm glad he is getting better. I think the most frustrating thing about being sick physically is that the older you get the longer it takes to get well. I've been told now that my (ongoing) illness is asthma and i've been given a list of the things I cannot do. Not that my list of things I can do was ever very long! I'm also frustrated that it was the many health issues I started experiencing when I passed 50 that made me sit up and listen to my body. It was like a wake up call saying 'hey! do something now before it's too late!', but I feel I am too late. I know i'm whinging again but it seems like every time I manage to get one health problem sorted out another comes along to take it's place, and i'm talking only about my phsical health and not my mental state of health which I could go on about but won't! Okay, I smiled...wow. Lately I haven't been smiling much....

As to keeping my feet firmly on the ground, that is harder to do than it sounds. These 'moods' (for want of a better word) that take me to a dark, dark place, strike so suddenly that I still don't know where or why they happen, I have no control over them and don't know what to do about them. Hence my post here...maybe i'm hoping someone can explain to me why I get this way? I don't know...

Jim, i'm so sorry you have been ill also, and am happy you feel you are getting the support you need here. It is a wonderful place for those of us that have no one they can turn to in real life. Good luck.

Chatterbox, thank you for your encouragement and words of support. I appreciate them very much.

LaLa.... thank you for your post in answer to mine. What you said about learning to not feel guilty when you don't post on here is not harsh at all. I know what you mean and why you said it's different for me. You have a lot of insight LaLa and I always appreciate what you say to me.

Ken, hi. I think my being physically ill for so long has affected my mental health.

I recently read that we are the star, producer, director and audience of our very own feature film in the theatre of our mind. How do you feel about that?

If that's true then I am stuck somewhere in the wings of my own theatre. I don't feel I have ever been the producer, director or the star of my own life. To use another analogy: the lights are on but no one is home.

Please send me some of that snow!

Thank you all for welcoming me back and thank you for taking the time to answer my post.

I came back to apologise...on re-reading my post I think it's whinging and rambling but i'm going to leave it as it is. Sorry again. Take care.

Edited February 2, 2011 by Endlessnight

[Luna-]

It's nice to hear from you again, M. It's not whinging. And well done for leaving it up.

I am so sorry to hear about your asthma. I hit 50 later this year. I am already taking 7 medications. I get scared when I think of future health issues. Mostly I avoid thinking about it.

My depressions would come on out of the blue just like yours. I have got better at recognising the triggers that set it off now. When it happens, could you try to identify what happened just before it began? It takes time, but you begin to see the pattern and you are better able to identify the thoughts and events that trigger it. Then you can develop a way of coping with those events and thoughts before they don't plunge you into darkness again. -?

When I was on the psychological bipolar clinical trial we got notes on triggers; I could look them up for you, if you want.

Strength, dear.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Luna. Thank you for welcoming me back. There are so many wonderful people that are able to give without thinking of themselves and I wish I could say the same of myself. I think I take a lot more than I have ever given back and I do still feel guilty about that.

I hit 50 later this year. I am already taking 7 medications. I get scared when I think of future health issues. Mostly I avoid thinking about it.

I'm scared too Luna. I dread not being able to work and take care of myself.I try and not think about it too unless it's thrust on me like my latest bout of illness.

When I was on the psychological bipolar clinical trial we got notes on triggers; I could look them up for you, if you want.

If they might help me I would appreciate them. Thank you again Luna. Take care.

[IrmaJean]

It's good to see you, M. I'm sorry that you are still struggling and haven't been feeling well.

There are so many wonderful people that are able to give without thinking of themselves and I wish I could say the same of myself.

I can't help feeling you're selling yourself short here. I think there are always some self-serving reasons why we do the things we do, including offering support here. It's automatic human nature to think of ourselves and this is not a bad thing. We can't help that we have feelings about what we do and we can't help remembering those feelings and sometimes acting on them. I do feel good when I'm giving and that is part of why I give. This was a big lesson I learned in therapy and it has been very freeing. All of us are human, M. You're human, too. So when you consider others, try considering yourself in the same light. You're in the light here with us. I hope you can remember that.

There have been a few posters over the past year and a half that I've been on the site who I've felt as kindred spirits. You're one of them. When I reply to you, I feel my most giving, loving self. You bring that out in me. It feels very soothing and affirming. I hope one day you can feel that from within too, M. Take care today.

[Endlessnight]

IrmaJean, thank you. You are a kind, caring person and your words always calm me.

Luna, i've been trying to remember what might have been the cause or 'trigger' of my depression and there isn't anything specific I can put my finger on. I seem to be fine one minute and the next i'm plunged into darkness. I think my being physically unwell has played a part in that, as my fears loom larger when i'm sick.

[Luna-]

Yes, it sound like the sickness had a lot to do with it, understandably. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have medication for your asthma and does it make a difference?

[CantGiveItAway]

Im pretty new here I wanted to welcome you back with open arms:) and it doesnt seem like youve stop posting that long:) sometimes its good to refresh yourself:)

[Endlessnight]

CantGiveItAway thank you for your welcome back and i'd like to say welcome to the forum to you also.

Luna, thank you for sending me the notes, I have started reading them and I hope they can give me some insight into my problem.

I am taking meds for the asthma. I have an inhaler that I use twice daily and it has made a difference. I had a check up yesterday and the doc said my chest was much better, but my sinus infection is back and that was one of the causes for my getting asthma in the first place (according to the doctor anyway. I've kind of lost a lot of respect for doctors lately) so now i'm on antibiotics again plus other meds, but at least my inhaler dosage is less now. I was taking 1000mg of it daily but now i'm down to 500mg which I am glad about because it causes extreme dry mouth and because of that, and my depression meds, I have to wake up four or five times every night to drink water. The inhaler is very expensive, I dont have medical insurance and I don't have a pension plan for when I retire. All of these things together have have made me very depressed and anxious.

IrmJean, you asked me a question a while back about my leaving here (i've been asked this by others also ) and I never replied. This isn't a real reply either but I want to explain why I don't reply to some questions sometimes.

When i'm asked to do anything that is different from my daily routine I get so scared that I freeze up and can't do anything at all, not even answer a question. I know it's stupid but I become like the ostrich that hides it's head in the sand and hopes that it will be left alone. Any change, anything not in my comfort zone, and it could be something trivial even, scares me, and that's the truth of it. I'm a coward.

[IrmaJean]

When i'm asked to do anything that is different from my daily routine I get so scared that I freeze up and can't do anything at all, not even answer a question. I know it's stupid but I become like the ostrich that hides it's head in the sand and hopes that it will be left alone. Any change, anything not in my comfort zone, and it could be something trivial even, scares me, and that's the truth of it. I'm a coward.

No. Not a coward. Human like any of us. I'm very fearful of change as well. I was in an unhealthy family situation for over 7 years and put up with it simply for fear of confrontation. I have a friend that I'd like to meet, but I can't bring myself to make the drive. Still working on my highway phobia. It's not stupid, M. I've been there (and still am sometimes) too. It's very challenging to face fears. What I have had some success with is doing this in small steps so it doesn't become too overwhelming. When you have that first success or even in just completing the task of challenging yourself, you begin feeling the positive aspects of this achievement. These feelings give you a foundation to build on, a little more confidence in your abilities and greater chances of success in your future endeavors. You are aware of your fears and this is a place to start. Try having a little faith in yourself too. I hope that you can offer yourself kindness, patience and gentle encouragement.

Perhaps the sinus infection exacerbates the asthma? :confused: My oldest has asthma, but it has only given him difficulty when he catches a virus. I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well, M. I hope your health improves very soon.

[Endlessnight]

I'm sorry to hear your son also has asthma IrmaJean. What kind of medication does he take if it's okay to ask?

I have been thinking about my father and I remembered when he was in a car accident a long time ago. He wasn't seriously injured but he was hospitalized for a couple of days and I went to visit him there. Some relatives were also there when I entered the room. I remember that I asked him how he was but I didn't touch him. My relatives were very upset with me and told me to kiss him or at least his hand but I wouldn't, I couldn't. Whenever I remember that girl, the girl I was, I feel so overwhelmed with pity and sadness. I know she had made a wall around herself, around her feelings. She didn't want to feel anything, and I think that started when her parents were fighting all the time and finally split up. She knew how her mother had hurt her father and so she didn't want to be hurt like that. Going to SA, her father's betrayal of her, only made that worse. Her mother hurt her father, her father hurt her. Her parents hurt her brother, her brother hurt her. Everything was so messed up. She equated love with pain.

I know I said that passing 50 years of age has been hard for me, and it has, and is, but with that age I feel that I have gained some wisdom and with the help of that wisdom, (and my meds, and my being on this forum), am no longer walled in inside of myself. I think I have allowed doors and windows in the wall I built a long time ago and that is a good thing.

Edited February 7, 2011 by Endlessnight

[LaLa]

I am no longer walled in inside of myself. I think I have allowed doors and windows in the wall I built a long time ago and that is a good thing

That's what we can see, too. And it's so very nice to see... I'm sure that it's emotionally ambigous for you, as the wall doesn't protect you against pain, pity, ..., ... as it did before, but the open doors and windows also allow you to feel deeply the positive feelings. (I wish you many of those! )

(I have to go now, that's why it's only so brief...)

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Endless,

I've been wondering where you are. Its good to see you here again and I also want to warmly welcome you back. I hope you can see how much you are loved here.

Allan

[Endlessnight]

LaLa, yes it is emotionally ambiguous as you said, but I am glad that I am no longer that girl that was such a victim and so much in pain. Things might not be fantastic for me but I don't feel such a victim anymore. Thank you for taking the time to answer my posts. I always appreciate your feedback very much. ((((hugs))))

Allan, thank you so much for your welcome. What you said has made me realise how lucky I am to have people here that do care about me. Thank you again.

[Endlessnight]

I've always had a lot of bad dreams, but lately they have been getting worse and last night was the worst I can remember. It was about demonic possession. All through the dream I and others were trying to get rid of a 'demon' or 'devil' that was possessing people and things and kept moving from one person or thing to another. Right at the end as we were trying to get it to leave whatever it was in, it jumped into me with a huge 'whoosh'. That's when I woke up screaming. My niece said I scared her to death. I was very scared and shaking. I was afraid to close my eyes after that, I kept thinking about it and wondering if it was real.

[malign]

M., I'm fairly confident that you're among the least demonically-possessed people I know.

I'd find it more interesting to think about why you feel there's a demon floating around in your house, and why you feel he could take up residence in you at all.

[IrmaJean]

Are you fearful of being surrounded by evil so much that it will overcome you? I agree with Mark. I see you more in the realm of angelic, most definitely. Sounds like a very frightening dream. I hope your dreams are pleasant tonight.

To answer your question about my son (from several days ago), he would take Albuterol for bad breathing episodes. He had a different medication for day to day, called Intal. Fortunately he's been very healthy and the asthma doesn't affect him so much anymore.

[Endlessnight]

Malign, I dont think there is a demon floating around our flat (at least I hope there isn't!:eek:).

In my dream I was some place, i'm not sure where..a school maybe, and this thing kept possessing different people and also things, so we were doing exorcisms for it every time it jumped from one to another thing or person to try and drive it out. The last time we drove it out, it went into me! That's when I woke up screaming. I was very badly scared.

I just saw what you wrote, IrmaJean and it has made me think. Yesterday I was very upset with something that happened here at home, and though I wouldn't call what upset me 'evil' could that have been the reason I dreamt what I did? I dont know. I wrote about it because I don't ever remember waking up from a dream screaming before. At first I thought I had imagined that i'd screamed but in the morning my niece told me I woke her up.

Edited February 10, 2011 by Endlessnight

[malign]

It's your subconscious, M. Pretty much anything could come out it, at least that's my experience. But it almost certainly isn't completely literal.

Clearly, something frightened you; that's important. Does it reassure you, at all, that all the exorcisms up to that point had been successful, so there's no reason to believe that the exorcism that the others would do on you would not be? Or is that the fear, that you'd be stuck with it, for some reason?

If it helps at all, I'll repeat: I doubt that such a thing even could possess you.

[Endlessnight]

That's what I was most afraid of, and the thing that kept me up: I knew that it was a dream but I was afraid it might have come true. When I tried going back to sleep I kept having awful thoughts as though there really were a demon inside of me.

[malign]

"Awful thoughts", like what?

I know they're probably hard to talk about, but isn't that alone the best reason?

It's not uncommon for people to have occasional intrusive thoughts, even without full-blown OCD. The key thing to remember is that it's a thought, not a reality. Just because a thought crosses your mind doesn't mean you're going to do what it says; that's what the rest of you is for. :-)

[Endlessnight]

Malign, what do you mean by 'intrusive' thoughts? Part of my fear was that I was no longer me. That I wasn't in control of myself any more. That the 'demon' could do and say things and I wouldn't be able to stop 'it'.

[malign]

Well, we sometimes have people describe it to us, here. An intrusive thought is one that the person who has it feels is not "usual" for them, that they feel is unwelcome or seems to come from outside themselves. Quite often, it's a thought that frightens the person and that they would not act upon, though they often fear they might.

An example would be a person who is afraid they're a pedophile because they had a single passing flash of "what if". They report that they don't normally have an attraction for children, but they're always afraid that it might somehow take them over. These are often young people themselves who have never acted on the thought in any way.

Somewhat related, maybe: I used to worry that I might not be "me" if I took mental health medications. At least, I worried that I would not be sure. It didn't happen; I stayed pretty definitely "me", just a little more sluggish and a little less likely to plunge into depression.

So, you described what you were afraid of.

Did it come true? Did you do things you didn't want to do?