memories

[Endlessnight]

Mother's Day isn't really celebrated here, but I think my youngest niece's teacher must have said something about it a few days ago. When she got home from school she came into my room and asked me for paper and glue and pens. I didn't ask her why she wanted them as she likes to draw. I gave her what she wanted, and she sat at my desk working on something as I was watching tv. After a while I asked her what it was that she was doing and she told me she was making a card for her mother. When I asked her why she said because it's mother's day and we have to be nice to our mother. Then she showed me what she had made...she had cut out hearts and coloured them and stuck them on a sheet of paper, and had written I love you on it. I couldn't help crying a little, but I was smiling too, it was so touching.

So that is why I am writing this letter to my mother.

Dear mum...There are so many things I don't know about you and never will and I regret that very much. I'm sorry I never got to know you well, that we never got to know one another. I'm sorry we never got to do the things that mothers and daughters do together. I never got the chance to tell you I love you and to thank you for being my mother so i'm doing so now...I love you mum. Thank you for all you did for me when I was a child. I want to tell you that I forgive you and I miss you so much.

Edited May 10, 2011 by Endlessnight

[Endlessnight]

I'm feeling so confused. I'm missing some personal belongings and this isn't the first time. I'm upset because i've always been careful of my stuff and keep everything neat and tidy and in it's place, and so to find for the third time in a couple of months that i'm missing things is making me wonder if my memory is playing tricks with me, or if i'm losing stuff and don't even realise it, or worse...that someone is stealing my things. I know that sounds paranoid and I really don't want it to be true but unfotunately it's happened before where my brother would come in my room while I was out and go through my things. This time I don't think it's my brother though. What's upsetting me is that I don't know if it's my memory or what...if I knew I had lost those things myself I would be relieved, but not knowing is kind of making me crazy.

[pseudome]

Dear mum...There are so many things I don't know about you and never will and I regret that very much. I'm sorry I never got to know you well, that we never got to know one another. I'm sorry we never got to do the things that mothers and daughters do together. I never got the chance to tell you I love you and to thank you for being my mother so i'm doing so now...I love you mum. Thank you for all you did for me when I was a child. I want to tell you that I forgive you and I miss you so much.

Wow. This is very similar to my thoughts about my mother as well. My memories of her are so fuzzy because I was so young when she died, but there's always been that sense that I've been missing something important because of it.

As for missing personal belongings--if you have an idea of who might have taken things, is there a way you can confront them non-confrontationally? Maybe asking if they have seen the missing items without directly accusing them of taking them?

[Endlessnight]

Hi Pseud. Thank you for replying to my post.

I have asked family members if they have seen the things i'm missing and they all said no.

I am very upset about it because I am afraid they might have been taken by my nephew...I don't want that to be true though, because if it is it means something I don't even want to think about. The items that I am missing are gold and silver jewellery. A silver pendant, a silver ring and a gold bracelet. The problem is I don't realise my things are missing until I come to wear them and by then they could have been missing for months. I asked my nephew once about something similar that had happened previously and he started shouting and screaming at me...he is becoming more like his father every day

As I said, if I have simply lost them then that's okay, but to think that someone is going into my room and stealing things, and using the money they might get for them for something bad.

[IrmaJean]

M, I'm sorry this has been happening. It sounds distressful. I hope you find out what is going on.

Your letter to your mum is touching. I hope that it was comforting for you to get in touch with your feelings and put them into words. I think that you honor your mother now by being the gentle and caring person that you are. Take care today.

[Endlessnight]

Hi IrmaJean. I am finding the situation very stressful, mainly because I seem to be the only one in the house worried about my oldest nephew. His mother and father seem to feel that everything is okay when to me it clearly is not and it's frustrating and causing me a lot of anxiety. Maybe I worry too much and need to let things go...

It was good to be able to write to my mother without all the baggage involved in our relationship. I feel that I have been able to let go of my bitterness and resentment and have made peace with her at last. It was comforting, and it's comforting to know that I have friends here that understand and care. Thank you.

I hope I will be able to make peace with my father too one day.

[58corvette]

Dear M.; I'm Here & Just Want To Let You Know I Also Admire & Respect You Much For The Way You Continue To Try To Improve & Conduct Yourself. Despite The Obstacle's..

The Best To You,

Sincerely; Jim

[Endlessnight]

Dear Jim. Thank you for your kind words. ((((hugs))) to you as always.

I was unable to sleep last night, my mind just wouldn't stop...so many memories were coming back, things I haven't thought about in a while, mostly bad things I don't want to think about right now. Anyway, I stopped taking the Seroquel three nights ago so that might have something to do with my not being able to sleep? Once I did sleep I had a horrible dream. I was somewhere in the desert and there were tribesmen trying to catch two men...I dont know who they were but I kept hoping they would get away...then I became infected with little crab/scorpion like creatures. I don't know how they got into my body but I could see them moving under my skin. To remove them my brother used a razor to make incisions and would pull them out. I had two of them in my legs, three in my arms and hands and one in my head. It was as he was going to cut open my head that I woke up afraid. I couldn't get back to sleep again as I was going over the dream again and again, trying to understand what my subconscious was telling me ....do I feel deep inside that when my brother hurts me it's because I deserve it and for my own good? I don't think consciously that that is so but sometimes I do feel that I don't deserve to be happy.

[Endlessnight]

On thinking about writing a letter to my father, similar to the one I wrote to my mother, I found I can't because all I want to write is....why? I want to ask him over and over again, why?

They say the sins of the fathers are visited on their children and I think that's true. My mother felt neglected by my father so she cheated on him and ignored us, her children. My father was deeply hurt and shamed by what my mother did and so he wanted to make a new life somewhere else. The consequences of the actions of my parents are still being felt by me and my brother. I don't trust love. It isn't all it's made out to be. When you love someone you should never hurt them, right? I don't understand how my father could see how unhappy I was every day and still tell himself that what he was doing was right. I know he thought I might change my mind one day, but after months then years went by, with me so depressed I don't even know how I got by from day to day, why didn't he do anything to help me? I know all of that is in the past. I know I must try to let go of the pain and hurt, but I guess i'm not ready to yet. I don't know if I ever will be as there will never be an answer for my question....how can you say you love someone and hurt them so much that they don't want to live?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Endlessnight,

While I am not a physician, I do know a one or two things about Serquel: 1. One side effect is drowsiness, meaning it might help with sleep? Ask your prescribing Doc. 2. It is one of those medications that should not be abruptly stopped. In fact, its important to tell your physician if you want to stop and, then, let him supervise your gradual withdrawal from that medication.

I do not know if your nightmare might have been caused by suddenly stopping Seroquel, but, it might have.

I really want to urge you, for your own health and well being, to see your prescribing Doc and talk about all of the medication issues you have.

Allan

[IrmaJean]

When you love someone you should never hurt them, right?

I don't think it can always be this black and white, M. And please know that I'm speaking in general terms with this, and not about your specific situation. I think that when you're in a relationship with anyone, even when you love that person, "hurts" will happen from time to time. I guess the important thing is what you do with that and how you learn and grow, change things.

I don't understand how my father could see how unhappy I was every day and still tell himself that what he was doing was right.

Possibly he was thinking of his needs and didn't have the capacity to equally consider yours? It's really hard (or impossible) to know though maybe what is more important right now is how this makes you feel.

how can you say you love someone and hurt them so much that they don't want to live?

I think that we can only love in the best way we are capable of loving. I think it's okay to recognize and express your feelings of anger and pain in this. And perhaps to grieve what was lost to you as well. You could write a letter expressing your feelings, and when (and if) you are ready to, write another in the future.

I hope you feel better, M. I have always sensed your kindness and caring spirit. It is so strong that it is unable to be denied even through your sadness and pain. Take gentle care of yourself.

[58corvette]

Dear M. You Are So Very Very Welcome;

Dreams Are Dreams & I Believe They Have Some Meaning. As Far As Deserving To Be Happy; I Also Believe You Deserve That As Well....

The Very Best To You Dear M.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Allan. My pdoc gave me the Seroquel to help me sleep, and told me it was to be used 'as needed', so I thought I should not take it for an extended period of time, plus I had a lot of side effects from it and the Amitriptyline, both of which I take before sleeping. That is why I stopped taking it.

I've gone back to taking 50mg at bedtime for the past two nights and will keep in mind your advice regarding suddenly stopping it. Thank you for telling me what my pdoc didn't.

IrmaJean, I know you are right:

I don't think it can always be this black and white...I think that when you're in a relationship with anyone, even when you love that person, "hurts" will happen from time to time. I guess the important thing is what you do with that and how you learn and grow, change things.

What I said about love should have been specific and not general since I was talking about the 'relationships' within my family. Because I have been hurt by the people closest to me, my family, I have come to equate love with pain. I feel that I am stunted emotionally and unable to really love anyone. I say I love my nieces and nephews, but do I really? I don't know if I understand what 'love' really is.

what is more important right now is how this makes you feel.

It makes me feel worthless because everything I said, everything I was feeling, all my pain and anger, was ignored. I trusted my father. He used that trust to do what he wanted to do and that hurts so much even now.

Perhaps if my brother and had been able to have a 'normal' relationship it could have helped me move on. But the way things between us are and have always been only makes things worse because of his abuse verbally emotionally and physically.

I feel i've been betrayed and hurt first by my mother, then my father, then my brother, thrown about as though I am a thing and not a person that feels pain.

Edited May 20, 2011 by Endlessnight

[IrmaJean]

I say I love my nieces and nephews' date=' but do I really?[/quote']

What, do you think, would cause you to question this?

I don't know if I understand what 'love' really is.

If you were to describe what love is' date=' how would you express this? Writing can sometimes help me to process my emotions and make new connections in my mind. Of course I realize that everyone is not the same, but have you ever tried this? It might help you to connect with the feelings as you express them.

It makes me feel worthless because everything I said' date=' everything I was feeling, all my pain and anger, was ignored.[/quote'] I'm sorry that happened to you, M. You are a valuable person who has a lot to offer. You have a voice here now, and we're listening.

But the way things between us are and have always been only makes things worse because of his abuse verbally emotionally and physically.

Does he hurt you physically too' date=' M? I wish there were some way for you to remove yourself from this situation. This sounds painful an discouraging.

I feel i've been betrayed and hurt first by my mother' date=' then my father, then my brother, thrown about as though I am a thing and not a person that feels pain. [/quote'] I'm sorry that you have been treated so poorly by your family over the years. Of course you are a human being who feels pain. I hear your pain. We all deserve to be valued and treated with respect. I think it's good that you are listening to and expressing your feelings here. I hope this offers you some relief.

Take gentle care, M.

[finding my way]

I'm sorry things are hurting so much, En:(

On that dream, I bet your brother feels things crawling under his skin too... he gets it out by expressing his anger... trouble is, his style is also breeding more things crawling under the skin.

so, how to express your pain as a clean release and heal? Humans really struggle with this one...

the closest I've come so far is to really watch the self talk. It is possible to express pain, breathe it through, and not say damning things at the same time. Feeling as pure feeling, not contaminated with judgmental conclusions about things...

I am wishing you well today!

[Endlessnight]

Hi IrmaJean.

My brother no longer abuses me, or his children physically though the verbal and emotional abuse continues. Sorry I wasn't clearer in my post.

To me love is wanting the best always for someone else, putting them first, trusting them completely. That's how I think love should be but I know in reality it's a lot different. As I said, love and pain sometimes seem the same to me.

I would give my life for my nieces and nephews, but is that saying much considering I dont value my life?

Thank you for your kind and gentle words, which as always, comfort me.

Hi Finding,

i know my brother has problems too. I'm sure what we went through with our parents hurt him as much as it hurt me. But I don't understand his hatred of me, or the way he treats others. As Mary said, I dont understand meanness. Though we don't get along when in close proximity, the fact that he never leaves his room, and I seldom do, means that we are not really thrown together as much as we used to be, and so that lessens the friction between us.

The one thing I know about myself is that I have a good heart. I would be willing to (try) and forget and forgive if he felt the same. But in his eyes he has never done anything wrong anyway.

Finding, I am getting better at not using negative language about myself. I used to call myself names all the time, over and over in my head, but I no longer do that and i'm happy about that.

Thank you both and take care...(((((hugs)))))

[IrmaJean]

To me love is wanting the best always for someone else' date=' putting them first, trusting them completely. That's how I think love should be but I know in reality it's a lot different. As I said, love and pain sometimes seem the same to me.[/quote']

When you want the best for someone else, what do you connect with in yourself? Are you being caring, loving, gentle, kind? I think of loving another as being self-connective. I grabbed the paragraph below from another one of my posts in a different thread. I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive here, but this fits in well with my feelings about love. Everyone has different thoughts on love, though. These are mine.

I believe love to be about self-connection. When we are feeling love for another, we're in complete connection with ourselves. This brings good feelings. When we feel tender affection for another, we are connected with our tender, affectionate self. The other person has shown us the way to our own light and we feel that from within. When I feel love for another, I feel my own inner joy and gifts. I feel caring, giving, gentle and as I feel this, I give this back to myself, thus the good feelings. This is internal and comes from our own self. So I think when you are feeling your own love internally as you love another, you receive love too. You give it to yourself too. When you become truly aware and connected with your own loving self, you don't rely/need as much for others to fill the void. Loving and being loved is part of any reciprocal relationship, but it's paradoxical too. When you receive, you are also giving. When you are giving, you are also receiving. Of course it feels wonderful to be loved by another, but self-love is something that you keep and have with you always. The gifts are with us.

M, how are love and pain the same for you? Could the pain/ache represent the absence of love perhaps and what was lost to you? Maybe it could help to connect with the loving aspects of yourself so you can receive the gift of your own love. What do you think?

[finding my way]

I'm so glad you are not calling yourself names anymore!!! Now, can you feel any compassion for you?

[Endlessnight]

................

Edited May 22, 2011 by Endlessnight

[IrmaJean]

I hate that ...... feeling.

I hope you are feeling better, M.

[finding my way]

How are you, En?

[Luna-]

I think I can understand why you feel as you do ... {{{{ M }}}}

[Endlessnight]

When I got back from seeing a doctor yesterday, who gave me news I didn't want to hear, I was very upset and so I posted a long complaint. Later I had calmed down and removed it. I felt it served no purpose. I must face my latest health setback and try and not let it stress me out to the point where I was yesterday...feeling like I don't want to go on.

Thank you for your support and hugs. (((((hugs))))) to everyone. M.

[Endlessnight]

M, how are love and pain the same for you? Could the pain/ache represent the absence of love perhaps and what was lost to you? Maybe it could help to connect with the loving aspects of yourself so you can receive the gift of your own love. What do you think?

IrmaJean, love and pain are the same to me because everyone I loved hurt me, and especially because of the love I had for my eldest niece. My brother would use that love to cause me so much pain. He would punish her for being with me too much, he would hit her, drag her, burn her and when he did that, I would blame myself. Sometimes it hurt so much I felt I would go crazy. Just thinking about it upsets me so much.

Maybe you are right also in saying that some of what I feel is from the absence of love in my life. Though I have progressed a lot from what I was, I still have not learnt to love myself as I should. I am still struggline with that.

[finding my way]

That is awful, en :(