memories

[danni]

happy birthday

[IrmaJean]

Happy birthday, M!

We had a family birthday yesterday, so yours will be easy for me to remember now. I have a talent for dates.

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and sad.

I agree with Malign...you are dear to us.

[CantGiveItAway]

*Happy Birthday*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCBFKkAla6Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nUgEt_MZOQ

[Endlessnight]

Hi guys. Thank you so much for the birthday wishes.

Allan, I do kind of hear your voice singing....(that's why i'm wearing these earplugs! )

Random, thank you so much for what you said. I haven't been posting as much as I used to, partly because some of the posts members write make me feel so helpless, I want to reach out but i'm afraid that what I write might sound so trite and useless. But if what you said is true, if I have helped even just one person, then maybe my life hasn't been such a complete waste.

Thank you for saying I am dear to you...that does give me some comfort, and I want everyone to know that you are dear to me also.

Thank you for the lovely bright birthday wishes

Something, thank you, and I hope you have a good birthday.

Can't, thank you for the lovely songs...music always helps lift my spirits.

Take care, everyone.

P.S. Allan I hope you know I was joking??

[Endlessnight]

Hi. I was wondering if it's normal for me to not remember being 'held' or comforted by my parents as a child? What i'm asking is do most people not remember stuff like that? Or is it me? I have such problems remembering things, yet I do have memories from when I was a child but they are mostly the bad things that happened. I only remember one instance of my father showing me affection. It was a while after we arrived here in SA. I had been screaming at him as usual, crying, and he tried to put his arms around me and tell me he loved me but I wouldn't let him. I kept telling him if he loved me he would listen to me and see how much pain I was in. The only time I remember my mum hugging me was at the train station when we were saying goodbye to her.

When I wrote (on my birthday post) about wanting to know what it felt like to have someone comfort me I guess what I was saying is I want to feel safe. I want someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay so this horrible feeling inside of me of constant anxiety and despair will go away, yet I know that will never happen unless I make it happen on my own. But I don't think i'm strong enough to be able to do it.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Endless:

I was wondering if it's normal for me to not remember being 'held' or comforted by my parents as a child? What i'm asking is do most people not remember stuff like that?

It seems to me that it is neither normal nor not normal. My guess is that, when you were a baby you were held. Back then its too early to remember. After that, as an older child, you mostly do not remember being held and, if that is what you remember, that is what is most important.

I guess, my question to you would be this: Do you go back to the memory of not being held as a way of making yourself feel bad?

Also, do you find it difficult to allow people to hold you in the present? Its possible that you do but, if so, I know you want to be held but may find too difficult to allow that to happen.

Allan

[Endlessnight]

Hi Allan. I don't go back to the memory as a way to feel bad, these are simply things i've just started realising about myself. I do find it hard to be held, I don't like to be touched at all really. I don't even like to touch myself, except when i'm taking a shower. I'm very squeamish about it for some reason.

[LaLa]

Dear M.,

I'm sorry I missed your birthday ... But I want to wish you happy birthday now and tell you that I agree with everything that others wrote here about you :-).

Now to some of your questions.

do most people not remember stuff like that? Or is it me? I have such problems remembering things, yet I do have memories from when I was a child but they are mostly the bad things that happened.

Allan already answered this a bit. I want to add that I remember being held and comforted, but surely only some of the cases when it happened, mostly related to a strongly negative event (as the death of my grandfather, for instance), but I now that I was often held and comforted. But in general, I also remember much more negative things than positive ones. Psychologists often say that we remember better the positive things, but I do not agree - it doesn't apply to me, at least.

I want to feel safe. I want someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay so this horrible feeling inside of me of constant anxiety and despair will go away, yet I know that will never happen unless I make it happen on my own. But I don't think i'm strong enough to be able to do it.

I know this feeling, too, M. And I'm so sorry that you haven't anybody around who could do it for you :-(! But as you know; you have us. I know it should seem to you that it's impossible to "be held virtually", to get what you need from this "pure gesture". But... it makes me think of the effect of psychotherapy and it seem to me it's actually analogous: When I felt the need to be held and comforted by "a father figure" (-if I use the "freudian" terminology), then... eventually it was my therapist, who did that for me, even without "being my father", even without holding me (yes, I admit that later he also hugged me, but... I really felt comforted also before the hug), without being "a part of my life outside the therapy room", ... - so in fact, it was very "virtual"; the healing power was caused not because he would be "the ideal father that I missed", but because of his attitude towards me, his words, his listening, ... So what I want to tell you is that... it might be possible to became more sensitive to the influence of the "good words" or "positive energy"... and the love that people here are sending to you. What you could do is to find some moments for yourself, when you will relax and focus on allowing yourself to "absorb" the comfort, loving, hugging, ... that we are giving you. Allow yourself to feel loved and cared for. As you are.

And, in the end, about your age: My mum is 57 now and I really don't think she's old . (And my therapist is 56 and... in my eyes, he's an attractive man .)

Take care, M.

Hugs,

L.

Edited March 31, 2011 by LaLa3

[LaLa]

You are dear to us, for what that's worth.

Age is a number. All it really proves is that you can count. ;-)

It's your actions that prove that you do count.

Sorry, but I have to emphasise this . It's so beautiful!

[Endlessnight]

Hi LaLa. Thank you for the birthday wishes ((((hugs)))). I agree with you...what Malign wrote is beautiful.

Psychologists often say that we remember better the positive things, but I do not agree - it doesn't apply to me, at least.

me too...

What you said about remembering being held usually when it's a negative thing, like the death of someone has brought back some memories.

My (English) grandmother died a few years after we came to SA. I loved her very much. She always told me I was her favourite granddaughter and before we left to come here she gave me the ring her mother gave her when she got married. I liked to visit her, I would sit and she would tell me stories of her childhood and how she met her husband (my grandfather was Chinese). I always felt more comfortable around older people than people my own age. Anyway... I was in a car with my father and other relatives, going somewhere, when my father told me that she had died. His abrupt announcement of her death put me in shock for a few minutes then I started crying and couldn't stop. He knew she was dead before we got in the car but he didn't want to tell me face to face and alone, I think he was afraid of what my reaction would be.

When I got the news of my mother's death, I was staying at the house of some relatives. My father was already dead then, he had died a couple of months previously. It was the middle of the night and I was woken up to be told of my mother's death. My brother wouldn't tell me himself, he asked my relatives to. He didn't even come to take me home, another relative came for me.

LaLa, I understand what you are saying about being comforted 'virtually' and I know that all of you, my friends here, are holding me and comforting me. Thank you.

[Endlessnight]

I think this poem is beautiful.

I want to be a thousand winds that blow, I want to be diamond glints on snow.....since I can't while alive, I would like it to be my epitaph.

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

Mary E. Frye

[IrmaJean]

I know this one, M, and agree that it is beautiful. This is a place where we connect with life itself. I think that living energy always breathes on. Very pretty and serene thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

[LaLa]

I didn't know it! It is really beautiful! Thanks!

How are you these days?

[notmary]

Hi M. I love that poem. It was read at my beloved cousin's funeral earlier this year and it is comforting, but hard to practice. I hope you are doing well.

[58corvette]

Hey M. It is indeed a Beautiful Poem that I heard years ago Myself & Rings True in Many ways.

But as you are still Alive in The Meantime we can Still Live, Feel & Believe that way also; about much of what it Expresses. Take out the First two Lines & The Last two Lines & Think & Imagine that on a Daily Basis as well.

I know I myself need many Times to Take my own Thoughts & Advice & Retain That.

There was a Birthday Card My Older Brother gave me Shortly before he Passed away. It was a Picture of a Man Fishing on a Beautiful Day (Looked a Lot Like My Dad). Inside My Brother Wrote in His Own Words (And he truly did Live this Way as Well) I Quote;

"Were Here For A Good Time, Not A Long Time". "Live Life For What it's Worth"

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi M,

It is a very beautiful poem. I think you are not only a glint, but are a beautiful diamond. You just don't realize it yet. You are the beautiful poem and you mean a lot to all of us.

Allan

[Endlessnight]

IrmaJean, I think, I hope you are right....I have always wished that 'death comes as the end' but if something of me could live on in the way described in the poem, I would be content.

LaLa, I'm glad you like it. I am doing well these past few days (I think the Lexotanil has something to do with that!). How are you my dear?

Mary, I'm sorry you lost your cousin but hope the poem gave some comfort to you. I am not so bad lately and hope things are a little better for you.

Jim,

But as you are still Alive in The Meantime we can Still Live, Feel & Believe that way also; about much of what it Expresses. Take out the First two Lines & The Last two Lines & Think & Imagine that on a Daily Basis as well.

that's a beautiful thought and made me smile....when I was young I used to imagine that a lot...that I was flying like a bird, moving with the wind.... perhaps I can re-imagine those things again...let my imagination and my spirit roam free like it used to long ago...thank you

"Were Here For A Good Time, Not A Long Time". "Live Life For What it's Worth"

I'm sorry about the loss of your brother but I hope his own (wonderful) words will give you some comfort when you remember him.

Allan...I don't know what to say other than...thank you.

Take care everyone, much love to all of you! (I just used the word 'love' and I haven't crumbled into dust!! )

[Guest ASchwartz]

Endless,

You are welcome. The next step is for you to think of yourself as a beautiful diamond.

Allan

[58corvette]

The Best To You M.

Sincerely; Jim

[Endlessnight]

Thank you Jim. The same to you.

[Endlessnight]

I need to vent a little...sorry in advance...

Sometimes I hate my brother so much. I don't want to hate him...it only turns back in on me but nothing I do is good or right ever. Just a stupid thing like my buying my youngest niece some stickers because she is very much into that is turned into something bad. He greeted us at the door with complaints about how the house is going to be full of stickers (!), how there will be a mess and who will clean it up, and how someone has too much money....etc etc etc.

I hate myself too because I let him upset me over such trivial things...why does everything he says and does cause me such pain? Why do I let him do this to me??

I went to bed with that in my mind and I woke up a short while ago and it was the first thing that came to my mind before I had even got out of bed.

I was/am upset for myself but i'm also sad for my niece. The stationary shop is a couple of streets away from where we live and i needed some pens and stuff for work so I asked my niece if she wanted to go with me and choose a sticker to add to her sticker book. She was so happy she was skipping all the way there and on the way back. She was holding my hand as we walked home but as soon as we came in sight of the building we live in she let go and ran as fast as she could up the stairs to our apartment so she could show her sister her new stickers. Her father met her at the door and started going on and on about the stickers. I heard him while I was still on the stairs and right away it felt like someone had reached inside me with a cold hand and was squeezing my heart tighter and tighter. That's how he always makes me feel. I know I get too upset over small and silly things like this but it's something I can't control. He has this power to make me feel worthless, useless and to squash any feelings of happiness I might get from making one of my nieces or nephews happy. It's as though he thinks that he is the only one allowed to to that. And, what is worse, he won't even allow his children their moment of happiness if i'm the one that has given it to them.

I apolgise again for going on and on about something so small and trivial but writing about it gives me some relief I guess.

Edited April 29, 2011 by Endlessnight

[Endlessnight]

Hi guys. I have a question and would welcome feedback on it.

I found out the other day, by chance, that there IS a therpist in the city! He/She (I haven't found out the particulars yet) works at one of the larger hospitals here. Since I found out I have been debating making an appointment. Things I have to consider are 1. cost - it's very expensive, and though i can afford to go once or twice I know that therapy requires a much longer period than that and 2. I know that I won't be able to talk openly about a lot of things, even things I have posted on here - I don't think I could say them face to face with someone.

So my question is: would it be worhwhile just going once?

[LaLa]

I know I get too upset over small and silly things

I apolgise again for going on and on about something so small and trivial

Hi, EN,

There is really no reason to apologize! And these are not as small or trivial things as you say . It's your right to be upset and angry at your brother. It's very natural that we feel so bad when someone is stealing to us, and to the ones we love (!), the moments of happiness (so scarce anyway, on top of that). I'm sorry you have to live with him... However, there should be a way to become more resistant to his emotional abuse; don't give it up. Writing about your feelings, analysing them, ... is surely a necessary part of the process, so I'm very glad you come to vent here ...

would it be worhwhile just going once?

This is a very hard question. But I'm going to write you what I think:

Money is the only "considerable" issue here. Because this

I know that I won't be able to talk openly about a lot of things, even things I have posted on here - I don't think I could say them face to face with someone.

is not a problem, you can believe me as I had the very same preconception and it prevented me from going to therapy for many years, but then, when I decided to go, still with the same feeling, ... it began to slowly disappear. The first months, I was absolutely sure I would never tell him about some issues. But then, the time has come... It's a process that needs it's time. So it would seem logical to say that "going once" has no meaning. BUT, by going there, you might:

1) get to know that the therapist seems somehow "repulsive" to you (I don't know how to call it - I mean that you might think "I would never want to talk to this person") - it happens.

2) get to know that it's really too expensive and the therapist doesn't make exceptions for patients who can't afford him/her.

3) get to know that (s)he doesn't take new patients as (s)he's the only one in the city, so has too many patients already.

Then you would know that you did try, but the circumstances didn't allow you to go to therapy - and you'd be probably sad, but not doubtful or even angry at yourself that "you didn't even give it a try".

But... there is a possibility, and I really cannot guess how probable it is, that the therapist makes exceptions for patients who can't afford therapy and offers low fees for them (or maybe (s)he knows another therapist (that you didn't find out!) who does this!). So... maybe this would be a reason for going there - to inform you about the fees and also get to know the person - if you'd like her/him...

What do you think?

Hugs,

L.

[notmary]

I am sorry M. that your brother treats you and his children like this. I dont understand meaness... I hope that somehow you can put him aside and remember the happiness and joy you felt with your niece and that you gave to her.

As far as the therapist goes, if youi can go and even if it is only for a couple of times maybe you could get some comfort and peace...

[Endlessnight]

Hi LaLa, hi Mary. Thank you both for answering my posts. I think you might be right and that I should go to the therapist even if it's for one time only. That way at least I can't say I didn't try...

As for my brother...I too wish there was a way to not let what he says have such an effect on me. As soon as I hear his sarcastic, goading, belittling tone of voice I feel myself shrinking inside. I don't reply to his remarks anymore, but I used to, and all it brought was more abuse, verbal, emotional and physical so at least i've been able to do that...keep my thoughts within myself and not let him see how much what he says affects me. But keeping it inside has it's downside. Thankfully, I have this forum where I can get some relief by letting them out.

Take care, (((((hugs)))))

M