memories

[58corvette]

Here's To You Dear M.; You Have Much Love & Caring In Your Heart. It Will Never be Forgot.

The Very Best To You Dear M.; And I Thank You For Your Own Inspiration To Me.

Sincerely; Jim

[IrmaJean]

IrmaJean, love and pain are the same to me because everyone I loved hurt me, and especially because of the love I had for my eldest niece.

Maybe there can be a way of separating your love from others' responses. Those gifts you have can't be tainted by another.

My brother would use that love to cause me so much pain. He would punish her for being with me too much' date=' he would hit her, drag her, burn her and when he did that, I would blame myself. [/quote']

This is very sad and terrible, M. Your brother's actions have to do with his envy/resentment, though, and not your love. I can see how this association may have taken place in your mind, but his cruelty and abuse was about him and not you.

Though I have progressed a lot from what I was' date=' I still have not learnt to love myself as I should. I am still struggline with that.[/quote']

Have you ever made a list of your positive qualities, M? Learning to love and accept yourself can take some work and some time.

How have you been feeling lately? Has your health improved?

Edited May 30, 2011 by IrmaJean
2 finger typist....

[Endlessnight]

So many times i've sat with a piece of paper in front of me and a pen, trying to think of something to write down that I feel is good about myself. I can find plenty of negative things but I have never been able to name one good thing about me.

After doing a lot of tests the dr. told me there is no need to remove my gall bladder so i'm happy about that. I've finally been able to stop taking the inhaler too. I am still taking two antibiotics for the stomach infection and the dose is so high it makes me feel light headed and shaky. I just hope it does what it's supposed to and I won't have to take a second dose.

Thank you for asking, IrmaJean. Take care.

Edited June 2, 2011 by Endlessnight

[finding my way]

I'm glad there was some good news in your health report, en! How much longer do you have with the antibiotics?

So many things you have longed for have been out of reach... is it tough to get past the bitterness and dissappointment and confusion and anger to find joy in being you? En, you have survived so much. You are kind and caring, and your heart reaches for love, even after you have been through such pain. That is a radiantly beautiful quality. I am so sorry you hurt Thank you for being our friend, even when you feel like giving up sometimes.

[Sissagwaad]

So many times i've sat with a piece of paper in front of me and a pen, trying to think of something to write down that I feel is good about myself. I can find plenty of negative things but I have never been able to name one good thing about me.

After doing a lot of tests the dr. told me there is no need to remove my gall bladder so i'm happy about that. I've finally been able to stop taking the inhaler too. I am still taking two antibiotics for the stomach infection and the dose is so high it makes me feel light headed and shaky. I just hope it does what it's supposed to and I won't have to take a second dose.

Thank you for asking, IrmaJean. Take care.

Wow. That is a heavy belief to put on oneself. Having to prove to oneself there is something good about oneself.

Perhaps it might be easier, more productive in fascilitating a happier emotional state, to begin with, to focus oneself, with paper and pen, listing all the things one could be or are grateful for?

Once one is more familiar with a happier state, it might be easier or possible to begin to experience a sense of love....that comes from an authentic place of gratitude, (no matter how small, or possibly silly,....it is a starting place, a potential breeding place, for love. hugs bw

[Endlessnight]

Finding, I was supposed to take the antibiotics for two weeks but the doc said at least 10 days so that is all I am taking it for as the side effects are too much (light headed, shaky, dizzy).

You are kind and caring, and your heart reaches for love, even after you have been through such pain. That is a radiantly beautiful quality. I am so sorry you hurt Thank you for being our friend, even when you feel like giving up sometimes.

What you wrote brought me almost to tears, You see good things in me ...why can't I see them too?

Thank you dear friend and thank you for sticking with me...even when I whine.

Sissagwad: Thank you for the hugs, and here are some for you too, I know we all need them...((((hugs)))). Thank you for your suggestion also.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I have made a list for that. It reminds me of how lucky I am...I am able to work, I have a home, I am able to walk, talk, hear, and feel while many others do not. I try and remind myself every day of how much I have to be grateful for, but I guess sometimes just being grateful isn't enough.

As for feeling guilt about what my brother did, I have been blaming myself all my life for many things. I think I am used to laying the blame on me because it's easier and I know I can't control what other people do.

In England, I had been called the 'n' word a few times, but the time I remember most was when I was around 13 or 14. My cousin and I were standing in a line (for fish and chips...funny how I still remember that ) and some boys in the line said the 'n' word to me and her. Instead of being mad at them I felt so ashamed I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me as though I were to blame for my skin being the colour it was. Maybe it had to do with being a teenager and not wanting to be different from anyone else? I don't know.

[Sissagwaad]

i cringe every time i see mother teresa quoted:

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

I don't believe she meant to infer 'beingness' as much as 'feeling, and experiencing',

'as if' one is, and believing one is 'unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten, etc"

What one "believes" is chooseable, changeable, or,....maintainable.

The issue is to choose to choose.

[IrmaJean]

M, I have always sensed you as being a very gentle, kind, and sensitive person. You appreciate the beauty in the world, and are moved by this beauty. (I think you and I would get along quite well. ) Why do you think it is so hard for you to see in yourself what others see in you?

[Endlessnight]

IrmaJean...when you are told over and over how useless, pathetic, stupid, selfish, etc etc your pride and self esteem is worn away. When you talk and no one listens, when you cry and noone cares...you get into the habit of thinking you must be what they say you are.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry that happened to you, M. Yes, I understand how this can happen.

I hope that you can open the door to seeing your own light. I hope that one day you will know the words of others were untruths. I think the very fact that those beautiful qualities about you shine through despite your having such a painful past shows how very strong those qualities are. I hope that you can one day feel your love and know of your value.

Take gentle care, M.

[notmary]

M I understand and I am sorry that you have been treated this way. Let's walk together as we try to "unbelieve" what we were taught...

[Sissagwaad]

m...what amazing opportunities. opportunities to learn, and to embrace your own reality.

What another person says, believes, is really none of my business.

It reflects on them and their issues and silliness, of having to put down.

An opportunity to like 'step aside,' and look at them, and what they are 'putting out', as separate, and having nothing whatsoever to do with us.

You alone choose to believe, and see yourself, whatever way you choose, for you. How is it useful to give any power away, to another, entertaining any idea that what others think or say, has anything to do with you?

It's learning acceptance, acceptance of others, just like yourself, always doing the best they know of presently, to take care of themselves, and their self image. They do what they do for their reasons, because of ignorance of doing anydifferently. Love and accept, just the same... What they say and do is none of our business.

When we learn not to take the choices of others as anything personal, it tends to free us to have far more useful relationships.

[Endlessnight]

IrmaJean, thank you.

Mary,I think holding hands, helping each other, as we travel down this road, the road to self forgiveness and self respect, would be wonderful. Thank you.

Sissa, I do get what you are saying, and I agree with it in general, but it's hard to be objective when someone is screaming at you all kinds of horrible things. When it's done over a period of 20+ years you lose not only your self respect and pride, but a sense of who you are. I haven't known who I am for such a long time. I am trying to put the pieces of my personality, of who I am, back together again, and some days go well while others don't...that's true for all of us I think.

Edited June 8, 2011 by Endlessnight

[Sissagwaad]

IrmaJean, thank you. (Maybe one day I will be able to believe it!)

Mary,I think holding hands, helping each other, as we travel down this road, the road to self forgiveness and self respect, would be wonderful. Thank you.

Sissa, I do get what you are saying, and I agree with it in general, but it's hard to be objective when someone is screaming at you all kinds of epithets and curses. When it's done over a period of 20+ years you lose not only your self respect and pride, but a sense of who you are. I haven't known who I am for such a long time. I am trying to put the pieces of my personality, of who I am, back together again, and some days go well while others don't...that's true for all of us I think.

I understand, really I do. It can be difficult to change how one reacts to the unhappiness of others, and how they go on and on 'spewing it, their unhappiness, at everything, everyone around them' It is quite common to begin to believe the 'blame everything else,' syndrome from someone that one was counting on to be supportive, mature, 'together, ..... not blameful. (can be upsetting, confusing, stressful, as in inciting fear.).... However, my point is, it is not complicated.

One of the best dissertations I listened to was entitled 'Therapudic Relationships,' by BarryNeilKaufman. The biographic on the spouse that came home to a screaming spouse every nite, and, well, you know the common scenario, and how this sort of scenario can be resolved.....well, i think anyone with relationship issues could learn something useful from it.....love and hugs

[Endlessnight]

I have a question about my dreams/nightmares, and I know none of you are dream interpreters but I would appreciate any feedback you might have.

I dream a lot about 'aliens' and alien invasions/demons. In my dreams I get a huge feeling of dread, that they are either taking over the planet or taking over me.

So i'm supposing that my fear is of my loss of my freedom? my self will?

If that fear of no longer being the person I am/was/want to be is why I have those dreams, then why am I still having them thirty years after I did lose my freedom and my identity?

[Sissagwaad]

I have a question about my dreams/nightmares, and I know none of you are dream interpreters but I would appreciate any feedback you might have.

I dream a lot about 'aliens' and alien invasions/demons. In my dreams I get a huge feeling of dread, that they are either taking over the planet or taking over me.

So i'm supposing that my fear is of my loss of my freedom? my self will?

If that fear of no longer being the person I am/was/want to be is why I have those dreams, then why am I still having them thirty years after I did lose my freedom and my identity?

my take on being human, is we are always attepting to make sense of everything, and relate a meaningfulness to all stimuli we encounter. The repetitious type dreams seem to be a reflection of your interpretation of what you believe, make-up, your life as being like. Our systems are often quite adept at doing that for us while we sleep.

Whatever we believe, however we interpret, make-up, whatever is 'going on,' our wonderful brains and bodies oblige in having us respond to. Our chemistry and feeling properly oblige. This is why the quality and efficasy of the beliefs we continue to hold is so fundamentally vital to predispose us to experience what we do, emotionally.....

It is really quite an amazing gift, this 'volitional consciousness'

love and hugs bw

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Endless,

Really, you don't need a dream interpreter because you are the author of your dreams, if you know what I mean. In fact, you've already said that it may have something to do with loss of freedom. That is a terrific self understanding. In addition, who do you think those aliens are? Who are they. Do you think they represent something about you?

Usually, dreams really have to do with the activities of that day. It has to do with how the brain fucntions. Think about what you did that day and even the day before and you may find deeper meanings in your dream.

Allan

[Endlessnight]

Hi Allan. I don't know who the aliens are or are supposed to be. In my dreams they are just that...aliens invading our world. I have tried to make connections to things that might have happened or been on my mind that day, but nothing seems to fit. Is it a part of me that feels imprisoned? Is there a part of me that wants to be free and do things I feel unable to do now?

[finding my way]

perhaps if you put a face on the aliens and begin communication there can be a chance of negotiations.... Maybe that doesn't feel possible in your outer life, but it could happen in your inner life!

[Sissagwaad]

Endless nites:-"Is there a part of me that wants to be free and do things I feel unable to do now? "

Perhaps it is a useful question to 'give' oneself?

So, can you share/expand upon the thoughts/beliefs around this you are presently 'owning?'

Edited June 12, 2011 by Sissagwaad

[Endlessnight]

This time of the year, the end of the school year, has always been bittersweet for me. For almost 20 years I worked in schools, as administration and as a teacher and so I always looked forward to the summer holidays as a time to relax. Many of my friends go abroad at this time, some go to the States, some to England, some to...just about anywhere that isn't here...escaping the summer heat for a while.

My brother and his family, except for his eldest daughter who is still at work, left Saturday on their annual holiday here in SA, they go to the mountains where it's cooler.

In previous years I would be left at home alone. I liked that I had the house to myself, it was quiet, I didn't have to share a bathroom with seven other people, but it was also a time of sadness for me.

The first time (many years ago) my brother and his family went away and left me home alone () my relatives were very worried and wanted me to go stay with them, but I enjoyed the peace and quiet for a while. After a few days I would go stay at relatives for a day or two just so they would stop bugging me and checking on me.

I know they think of me as, if not quite a scarlet woman () then the black sheep of the family. That ceased to bother me many years ago.

For the past two years my niece has been left behind too. My brother is so selfish he won't delay his holiday to wait for his daughter to finish work so she could go with them. I don't think i'll ever understand him.

I miss my other two nieces, especially the youngest one, already. I miss my nephews too of course, but they are young men now and so I don't really see that much of them even when they are here. I've always had trouble showing (or feeling??) love for my nephews, even when they were little boys. For some reason I find it easier to show love to my nieces, though even then it's hard for me. My youngest niece I can kiss and hug easily, but I can't do the same for my older nieces, no matter how much I know I love them. Why is it so hard to show how much we care for others?

[58corvette]

Just Read Your Post M.; Learned A Bit More About You My Lady. Very Interesting Indeed. Having Worked (As A Plant Manager) At A School District Myself I Know That End Of School Year Feeling As Well.

However I Worked Year Round. So Summer School Was Always Just Around The Corner & I Had To Prep & Prepare Rooms & School For That As Well.

As Far As Your Family Situation M.; Maybe It Is Still Just Situations Where You Have Been Burnt & Made To feel Certain Ways; That Dictates For Your Own Survival To Keep Some Distance & Guard Up.

I Have The Same Tendencies At Times. As Much As I Try To Remain Close I Just Still Have Issues Of Trust & Abandonment.

As Always I Hope The Best For You M. As You Have been There For Me As Well!!!

Sincerely; Jim

[Endlessnight]

Dear Jim, thank you for your reply. I think you are right that my being unable to show how i feel is because of trust issues. Thank you for your kindess:)

I read a thread about self-hurt and it got me thinking of how we cope with our pain, and specifically, how I coped with mine. Because of abuse, some hate their bodies so much they feel they need to hurt themselves physically, while I hated 'myself' - I hated not my body but 'me', who I was and who I wasn't. Someone on here said that depression is anger turned inwards and that is true for me. I turned everything inside until I couldn't take any more and put myself into a (kind of - it's hard to explain) semi-conscious/coma like state of living, if you can call it 'living'.

I know I must have been a hard person to live with all those years. I was very confrontational and critical of others, so although I know the way my brother and others treated me was not right, I must admit to my own part in the abuse I received.

I often think about my getting hurt, not by myself, but maybe being hit by a car (nothing too serious though...just enough to get me hospitalised for a few days), and I think about having a serious illness. I think that what I really want is I want people to be worried about me and give me love? care? attention? I've 'day dreamed' for years about being told I have an incurable illness and how relieved I would feel that I can finally let go of all my anxiety, fear, bitterness and hate. I even think of the things I would say to my brother, not bad things, but thingsI have never been able to say in real life.

I want to write something that it deeply shames me to write...sometimes I find myself thinking...what would I feel if one of my nieces got seriously injured or, God forbid, even killed...I imagine the pain I would feel, then I snap out of it and say over and over, please God let it be me not one of them. I hate myself after for thinking such things, but it happens again and again.

Why do I have such bad thoughts? How can I love them but think such awful things??

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Endlessnight,

I am no expert on the Middle East or on Saudi Arabia, but, I have been led to believe that men have a very sexist view of women, at least that is what we call it here in the U.S. Perhaps that is what explains your brother's actions as well as the way you are treated, in general???

Allan

[LaLa]

Dear M.,

For me, your thoughts are not bad or awful but make sense. I'm sorry you have these ideations as they are sad and painful :-(, but I don't think it's something you should blame yourself for.

I imagine the pain I would feel, then I snap out of it and say over and over, please God let it be me not one of them.

Can't you see here your love and your wish to sacrifice yourself to the ones you love? And your worries about what could happen to them? I don't see anything shameful here... (Maybe I misunderstood, I can't be sure... )

(It reminds me a bit the time when my grandma was ill (and she used to tell me often that she wanted to die soon...) and I used to imagine almost every day how it would be when she'd die. It was painful, but... I think it was my way to "prepare" myself for this situation. She died some months after the beginning of the treatment. And... for me, one of the most painful thoughts was that... "how can I think that, from one point of view, it's a kind of relief for me, as now I don't have to worry about her anymore and I don't have to fear her death every day?" Yes, I blamed myself for this (and some other related issues), but... after some time, I realized that... life and death are not black and white and... we "are allowed" having various emotions and thoughts about anything - it's very human to feel sadness, grief, but also a piece of relief/alleviation in the same time. We are very complex and the situations are complex...)

I think about having a serious illness. I think that what I really want is I want people to be worried about me and give me love? care? attention?

This reminds me that psychologists say that a child shouldn't be treated too extensively (with too much care and love) when (s)he's ill, as then (s)he's ill more often, as (s)he wants to be ill, wants this extensive love and care. But I'm sure the same is true for those who didn't receive enough love and care - you're an example. It seems very logical to me that your lack of love and care found one of it's manifestations in this kind of fantasies :-(.

I don't want to encourage you to continue in all the fantasies. It would surely be ideal to get rid of them. But the first step is to understand them, to realize their true reason, stop blaming yourself for them, and... maybe after some time, you'll be able to let them go...

Why is it so hard to show how much we care for others?

I know this. I think many, many people struggle with this problem. And many are much less able to express their love and care then you, you can be sure. Your problem might be related to the fact that you don't really know from your own experience how to behave to somebody when you care - as nobody behaved that way to you. It also explains why it's easy for you to show love to small kids - as you used to be loved when you were very young, so... "it's in you" - the experience, you can "transmit" it to others, but when you were an older kid, you didn't have this necessary experience anymore, so now it's harder for you to be in a similar situation "from the other side" (as the adult). Does it make sense to you? These are only my ideas, I know I might be wrong. But... I'm quite sure about this: Your nieces and nephews know you love them. If you weren't, you'd behave very differently and they'd feel the absence of love. You don't need to "overwhelm" them by kisses and other "proofs of love" .

Have nice holidays!!!