I don't either but I did for a while. My dad told me when I first started working with kids at 13 that people will be suspicious that I'm a creeper. I was completely paranoid about it until about two years ago when I had so many parents tell me how much they appreciated how dedicated I am and that I am truly a gifted teacher. It was then when I started to realize that no one at the church thought I was a weirdo or anything and that they actually thought I was pretty amazing at my job.

I actually wrote a blog about it here that you can read if you want.

Hey Jai

did it get quiet all of a sudden? =}

hello jai,

sorry if i offended you in any way

You haven't offended me.

ok good, that's the last thing i would want

What I think is so blatantly bizarre is that a significant number of child molesters position themselves to be with kids, to work with kids, and they frequently use the same rhetoric that you are using Ehren. You are deluding yourself if you don't think you sound EXACTLY like pedophiles who have been caught doing inapropriate things with kids. From a third person perspective it's startling.

Sure hope I didnt offend anyone! Be offended. From here its called denial.

wow...i gotta tell you guys (and godknows i'm no saint) everytime i turn around there is one guy on here telling another guy on here, that being a pedophile isnt such a terrible thing.

Its not that I don't think its a big deal, quite the contrary. I firmly believe that people suffering from pedophilic attractions need to get help. I actually left a forum because most other pedophiles there that I could find seemed to believe that as long as you didn't act on it or look at child pornography then its no big deal. Also, if you'll notice those of us on this site are either in therapy to get treatment for this or seriously considering it. Its still difficult to do so (for me at least) because of the hatred society has for pedophiles and the fear that my therapist will report me and ruin my life.

Most people seem to think that being a pedophile makes you an evil monster and for quite a while I didn't either and as such I prayed every night for years that God would kill me. Now I know that I'm not a monster, just someone going through some really crazy shit.

You should have a very real fear. The reason therpists report ANYONE who is sexually attracted to children is because the potential for harm is so high.

You had a choice. you knew you were having attractions to children when you chose to work with them. Why do you continue to work with them when logically you must know that it is not in your best interest or theirs.

What I think is so blatantly bizarre is that a significant number of child molesters position themselves to be with kids, to work with kids, and they frequently use the same rhetoric that you are using Ehren. You are deluding yourself if you don't think you sound EXACTLY like pedophiles who have been caught doing inapropriate things with kids. From a third person perspective it's startling.

I know that a lot of people probably freak out over the fact that I work with kids, I get it and for a while I wasn't sure I should even work with kids at all. I spent months talking about it with people online, going back and forth on the issue. Finally I (with the agreement of the people I talked to regularly about everything I was going through) came to the conclusion that I could teach. I know that sounds disturbing, so let me explain my reasoning. I avoid situations that are tempting like taking kids to the bathroom, which isn't very difficult because they make me incredibly uncomfortable. Even when I've been in very tempting situations (like the times I've babysat little kids with no sense of modesty who would walk out of the bathroom without pants on) where I knew I could get away with hurting a child, I've never even considered doing so. While yes, I find children attractive, I find the idea of hurting a child by acting on these desires (which is the only the that can ever happen) to be completely unappealing. Its so wrong.

Ehren - the people that you regulary talked with on-line - were they other pedophiles - or was it on-line therapy ?

Dude, those are just ordinary boundaries, they are not justifications why someone who is attracted to children is working with a vulnerable sector of population. That explanation is bunk. Its like a fat chick working in a bakery instead of a clothing store, where being fat, and licking the icing off your finger is illegal.

I'm sorry, my last posts were rather rude. I'm in a crappy mood and I took it out on you.

You should have a very real fear. The reason therpists report ANYONE who is sexually attracted to children is because the potential for harm is so high.

You had a choice. you knew you were having attractions to children when you chose to work with them. Why do you continue to work with them when logically you must know that it is not in your best interest or theirs.

The reason I kept working with kids is because it was the only thing in my life worth living for. I had no friends or anything through high school. I was (and still am) horribly depressed. My grades suffered because of it and I barely made it out of high school. Teaching was something I was good at, something my parents were proud of me for. People respected my skill with kids and most people at my church knew me as a great teacher. Much of my identity was wrapped up in that. The kids I worked with were also my only friends. They were the only people in my life who ever got excited to see me and wanted to talk to me and have anything to do with me. If I lost all that then I'd have nothing to live for quite honestly.

I'm also not sexually attracted to any kids I work with. Once i get to know someone, kid or woman, I "friend zone" them. I never even fantasize about them because I view that as demeaning to them as people and so its not interesting to me. Also, the age group I work with (3-7) is unattractive to me sexually, which is why I work with them and not older kids. I actually stopped working with older kids once because I found one girl to be very attractive and didn't want to be in that situation. If I ever did find myself attracted to any kid I worked with I'd quit working there and if I had to I'd quit teaching entirely. It would be awful but I couldn't live with myself if I hurt a child.

well, newsflash! Youre not a kid anymore. What makes your parents proud isnt how you make massive moral decisions. They are not your friends. They are children who percieve you as an authority figure in a position trust and respect. You may feel like they are your friends...but thats not how they view it. Despite the fact that you are hung up on some emotional developmental hurdle does not make these children your peers. That statement alone is wrought with massive denial. Child molesters the world over have said the exact stuff you are saying! Your needs do not come above the safety of little kids. your self worth doesnt justify you putting dozens of kids in harms way.

I'm sorry, but this is a very difficult thing to fully explain on the fly like this. If you want I'll send you a link to the blog I've been keeping on another site. Its somewhat long, but it lays out everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Afterwords you can draw your own conclusions and if you still have concerns I honestly would like to hear them. I know I haven't come off that way (once again, I'm sorry, its been a shitty day), but I really do like to hear people's concerns about all of this because I don't want to get lulled into a false sense security and then lose is someday and hurt a kid.

yup...i have read much of your blog, and i am still stating my concerns. I think they are stated quite bluntly. You may have found that, in the past, using a polite demeanor has protected you from people telling you the truth...'oh, he's such a nice guy...I dont want to hurt his feelings'. but I see straight through your BS. You have yet to answer to anything i've stated, you jog around it with apologies. You don't give a shit about anyone but yourself if you think you can justify putting yourself and innocent kids in a potentially detrimental situation. Its almost comical how closely you read from the 'its not MY fault I'm a pedophile!' script.

No, that's not my main blog, just parts of it. On the other site I lay out everything, my thoughts, feelings, concerns, everything I'm going through. I'm not sure if it'll change anything but I answer all the questions you've asked and make make my case the best I can. Like I said, I'd like to hear what you think after you read it.

Jai, I think you're being extremely unfair to Ehren. He's not at risk of molesting. Why should he distance himself when he's not a risk? It's true, many child molesters have been in his situation, and they all abused their power. Ehren has demonstrated that he has no desire to abuse that power. There's no need to make him feel any worse than he already does. He's got issues that he's working on, and if being around the children he teaches isn't worsening his issues, I see no reason why he should change that. If, however, distancing himself from all children would make him even MORE depressed, there's reason that he shouldn't do so.

I'd like to hear any answer whatsoever. I'm not interesting in investing my time reading your autobiography when you are unable to do me the courtesy of a single straight answer. The coles notes version of how you perceive your reality is plenty of narcissism for one day thanks.

Musicman, the very fact that he is able to delude himself into believing he is not a threat to the welfare of those children is evidence enough to his innability to make sound judgements. Until he puts those kids ahead of how he's feeling, tells me he has no interests in mind other than his own.

Well, let's see. Is he attracted to those children? No. Does he have fantasies about these children? No. Has he done anything in the past to demonstrate that he'd hurt a child? No.

It's like saying a straight man is at risk for raping another man. It's illogical. These children are out of his age of attraction. I know what it's like to be a pedophile, and I can say that I'm not so attracted to boys who have gone through puberty. So should I not be around these kids?

Ehren is going through a hard time right now. I know what it's like, and that allows me to sympathize with him. He's strongly considering therapy. Give him a fucking break.

Alright then, the offer still stands in case you ever change your mind. Like I said, its difficult to explain everything about this on the fly which is why I'd like you to read my blog. You can see how I did actually put the kids first when coming to this conclusion over the course of many months and fully see my reasoning. You'll also get a better sense of who I really am besides just a pedophile.

Take care, I wish you the best.

Inf, getting back on topic, whether you should tell your therapist about your pedophilia during the first session depends on the situation. If you just end up with a depression/anxiety specialist, you may want to wait. However, you should note that I tried, but it was forced out of me. My first therapist asked me "Why are you so anxious?" I knew right then and there that I had to tell her. Not doing so would have just wasted time.

However, if you're seeing a sexuality/addiction specialist, you may just want to tell him/her during the first session. I immediately felt really comfortable with mine, and told him without too much difficulty within a few minutes of our first session.

Inf' date=' getting back on topic, whether you should tell your therapist about your pedophilia during the first session depends on the situation. If you just end up with a depression/anxiety specialist, you may want to wait. However, you should note that I tried, but it was forced out of me. My first therapist asked me "Why are you so anxious?" I knew right then and there that I had to tell her. Not doing so would have just wasted time.

However, if you're seeing a sexuality/addiction specialist, you may just want to tell him/her during the first session. I immediately felt really comfortable with mine, and told him without too much difficulty within a few minutes of our first session.[/quote']

Damn, you're much braver then I am. I would have bullshitted something that early on.