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Blossom

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today was an awful day. i went shopping with my family. never again. the whole car journey up and down was awful. you know who kept shooting dirty looks at me. she was probably complaining about me aswel. i just couldn't hear because i was listening to my i-pod. it was a bad bad day.i'm tired of her constantly nagging me. she won't leave me alone. i'm tired of having to hide in my room. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm tired of feeling the same way everyday and i'm tired of typing the same thing everyday. that frustrates me a lot. i wish i could somehow relax myself enough to let go of the bad feelings. i don't know how because nothing works for me. i don't think my mind wants anything to work for me. it wants me to stay feeling bad and i don't know why it would want this. part of me wants to do something to make me feel better though. it's as if i'm kinda split in half, and each half is fighting the other. it's stupid. maybe if i were to go to bed early that would help me not have to think. ok i'm going to bed. even though it's not early. it's late. oh well...

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That was a case where I went empty for power. Last night I saw the oldest one walking with a whole bunch of older kids and they were all carrying long poles. A friend was in my driveway, so I felt safe for the moment, but that sight made me frightened. I woke up at 3:30 am. afraid with that thought that they were forming a gang, and they will target me. Well today I went empty and brought my fear out and lay it in front of me and waited. Very soon I felt an understanding that those boys are reeeeally bored. I also saw an image of some racquet balls I have.

a few minutes ago the youngest ones came by and knocked on my door. I took them to the sidewalk and showed them how to play bounce catch with the r. balls and gave them 2.

No fear.

Now I don't know what will come next, but I think I will sleep better tonight. Do you see what I mean?

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i used to have a ginger dog years and years ago called muffin and he always tilted his head to the right. now i know why! i always tilt my head to the right aswel without realising it. that's so funny:D

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