shame

[IrmaJean]

Do you feel the positive energy, Mary? What does it feel like? Try closing your eyes and allowing the good feelings to embrace you. Know how beautiful it is to be held, accepted and loved. Soak it up, Mary, and remember. And when the time comes that you need to connect with this positive energy, try to trust that it is always there within you in your own loving, kind spirit.

All that I have seen of you is strong, brave, smart, hard-working... Sometimes it is most difficult to see in ourselves what others see so clearly. It's there, Mary. One day you'll see it, trust in it and believe it too. I'm sorry it hurts right now.

((Mary))

[Guest ASchwartz]

Mary,

We want you to soak up ALL the good energy we are sending you and we are sending you lots and lots and lots and there is an endless supply.

In my opinion, forget about facing or confronting the rotten person who abused you. Instead, embrace yourself. We know you and we know that you are good and wonderful.

Allan:)

[notmary]

panic mode is back the voice is back the memories are fighting to come out but i cant do it i want it to stop

[finding my way]

Mary, would you like some help standing with you and your little one? How are you?

[notmary]

yes i do need some help i cant fight him tonight he is too strong and i am too scared i am with my dog and rocking chair and i just dont want anyone near me

[finding my way]

It sounds like you need safety... can you key into the things around you that let you know you are currently safe? I know you are having memories and hearing voices, but can you look around you for real tangible things that say you are safe?

[notmary]

i just dont see anything safe except my dog people arent safe i have to go

[finding my way]

Ok Mary, I am wishing you well, and I know your dog will do anything in his or her power to stand by you! Let us know how you are when you can:o

[notmary]

she said no to him and asked for her mommy and cried and that bastard kept hurting her and i want to kill him for that and i want to hurt me for not stopping him

[finding my way]

Mary I can think of nothing more difficult than what you are facing right now... you are looking into you at your most vulnerable and helpless time. Sweetheart, no one wants to be in that position of powerlessness in the face of abuse:(... no one:(. It is too difficult, so you want to say you did have power and just didn't use it. Mary, you were abused. The power you have right now is to stay together and don't pull apart against you. I am so very very sorry this is your task and that this happened to you:(.

[finding my way]

I have to go for tonight, Mary. Is there an affirmation you both can hold onto?

"I hurt so badly right now. I am learning to breathe with me. I am breathing a space into our pain. This is what I can do."

[notmary]

Just concentrating on breathing and trying very hard to talk peacefully to myself. Kind of lost with out therapist but really kind of lost with her too. SOme days the shame is so overwhelming and somedays it seems so silly to be bogged down by it. Thanks for listening.

[finding my way]

I'm so glad you can speak peacefully with you, Mary:). That is huge progress. I know it isn't easy to make these changes, but it will get better over time! We are listening dear Mary and we care very much how you are doing:o

[notmary]

Brain on way too much overload so taking a break. Simply refusing to deal at all right now.

[notmary]

Just having a sad day and needed to vent. Pressure is building in me and I am taking it out on the ones I love. Trying to keep myself together and the memories adn the voice at bay is more than I can handle. I wish I could just go to sleep.

[malign]

Mary,

That's quite a variety of feelings. It almost sounds as if you're lumping them together.

There's pressure that you need to vent. Where does it come from?

There's sadness. I can understand that, but is it current sadness, or remembered sadness?

There's a falling apart; is that separate from the memories?

And there's the memories themselves.

And maybe fatigue.

You can certainly vent here, and talk about the sadness. We might be able to help with keeping you together, and with the memories, though in the end, it's really you who has to cope with those two things.

Maybe it's possible to divide and conquer, though. To do something happy, to release some pressure somewhere, to get some extra rest.

There is a way, Mary. :-)

[finding my way]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, Mary:(. How is work this year? Mine is gearing up and up-- how do we do it every year??:eek:

Wish you had a peaceful pastime that would nourish you these days. Do you like crafts at all?

[notmary]

I cant break it down the sadness is both about the past and about how i cant deal with the present. The falling apart is that the memories have me in a choke hold when they come out and it fels impossible to keep me functioning if I let them out. I NEED TO MAKE IT NOT HURT.

[finding my way]

Breathe space into this pain. Drop being ashamed of your little girl. We'll stand with you.:o

[notmary]

Right now i feel every ounce of shame. I hate to even be around people becaise I feel like inside I am a horrible pile of shit anf tne stench of me will be impossible to hide and then everyone around me will leave me. If only I could sleep without him being there. I am sorry for being a bother. I will try to be stronger.

[finding my way]

Dear Mary, that is the deep, deep fear of your little girl. Be gentle with her and her fears. Breathe a space inside so she can exist with a tiny drop of compassion... whatever size you can afford.

Mary, would you consider having your husband come with you to a therapy session some day? I don't mean to upset you, but will you think about that sometime?

From what you have written, he loves you. He would want to know that you are hurting so terribly:(

[notmary]

I have talked to my therapist about having my husband join us but that seems impossible. I feel like I would die if he knew this about me. I cant imagine ever being able to look him in eye. Maybe some day I will be strong enough... or maybe none of this will matter anymore

[Endlessnight]

Hello Mary. I know you are deeply in pain and I wish I could say something that would ease that pain, even just a little.

I have been reflecting on my own past as you know, and trying, little by little, to come to terms with the past, and i've realised that what Luna said is true: while writing I am seeing things much more clearly than I have ever done in my life.

Before I came on this forum I knew I was depressed, but my self hatred was such that I blamed myself for everything. My brother heaped physical, verbal and emotional abuse on me until he broke my spirit, and it's only now that i am beginning to feel that it wasn't me, that it wasn't my fault. I had always thought there must be something wrong with me that he treated me the way he did, but i've learnt from the many different threads on here that what he did to me has a name, and none of it, none, was my fault.

None of your pain is your fault my dear. I wish I could reach out and hold you tight until you understood and really, really believed that you are a good person. You deserve love and happiness, just as I do!

Take care. I will be thinking about you and hoping that maybe, in some small way, what I have written will help. (((((hugs)))))

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello,

Endless, you expressed it very beautifully and I feel the same way.

Notmary, I hope you can feel the hug from both of us.

Allan

[notmary]

Allan and Endless, thank you for the hugs. I do appreciate them and the caring arms I feel from this site. I keep rereading what you wrote endless and I pray that some day I will feel it and believe it for real.

Finding, My fear of being left alone and abandoned... I know that this is the biggest issue in my life. I try so hard to be rational and to recognize the truth that I am an adult. I could survive on my own, but embarrassingly, I still feel like a child who can't bear the reality of being left alone. At times I can say the words to myself (thank you for the affirmations) without his "voice" screaming and drowning me out... but it seems to almost give him more power when he overwhelms me again.

I am absolutely exhausted Malign with the start of school again. I know that this is always a draining time under the best of circumstances. Right now my exhausted mind is not doing well in fighting for myself. I wish that I could just sleep forever but it would need to be a dreamless sleep without him appearing and without that little girl appearing either. So I stay awake and I get more and more jumbled and the sadness and the shame and the voice and the memories take over. I try not to hurt myself or others with my actions but right now I am not strong enough. I want to hur me so that the inside wont hurt so much.