shame

[notmary]

I am angry at so many things... that I can't just move past this, that I allowed this to happen to me, that I am weak and frightened.

I dont care if she grows up or not... I just don't like that child and what she represents.

The last 24 hours have been relatively quiet but this deep sadness just seems to be swallowing me whole. I have done some very stupid things in the last day that are hurtful to me and would be to others if I got caught. I am just f'ed up I guess and not sure what the helll is wrong with me.

[finding my way]

Your little one wants to represent something besides the trauma, Mary. Why else would you feel so angry, really? You both want the same thing.

My daily meditation book by Nepo says it this way: there is always a choice... you can choose to be the wound or you can choose to be the healing.

Something I learned from malign is this: now that you are allowing yourself to feel things like anger, you can choose what to do with it. Before when feelings were denied there were no choices..... when you violently stuff feelings, they violently push back eventually, and it's all a reaction formation.

Your reaction formation is changing. There are fewer flashbacks. You are feeling anger, and it sounds like there is some acting out. You are in a negotiating stage with yourself, working this out. I understand your anger at your little one and the pain she brings. We will continue to stand by her and by you while you heal.

[notmary]

last night i hada new memorycome to light. i just want to write about it and i am sorry for it. i see his head down there and i can feel his mouth on me and know it is dirty and yet it feels good too and i am so confused. his hair is brown and thick except for this little bald spot right at the top and i keep staring at that spot and by staring at it i am not here anymore.

i dont know why he would do this to me and i am ebarrassed caause it is o yucky. now i wonder hwo he could think this was ok and what would make him do this. why would he do this to me. was there something that i did to encourage this. i dont feel crazy or panicked right now... just confused and sad..

[finding my way]

Mary I'm so sorry this happened to you:(. Sex is such an intimate act and under these circumstances not at all appropriate. A child cannot process it, and this memory shows how you learned to dissociate:(

Please be gentle with your conclusions about you. Children want to be loved, and you were so neglected. We see the child that you were and we are so sorry and sad for her too.

I'm so proud of you for staying together enough to let this pass through. Little one, there is more to your life than abuse from the past. You have found love and acceptance here. Mary, there is more to your life than a "shameful" past. Your past can find new hope and new life in the healing present.

As for him, he was a sick man perpetrating crime instead of addressing his issues.

[notmary]

I just dont understand it. and i am very confused. i just wish that i could find out why this happened. my therapist says that he would turn it on to me. i dont know maybe i did do something to make him do this to me. i dont no...just very confused. part of why i am confused right now is that this memory isnt a scary one. i dont feel that fear just shame. i know that what he is doing is wrong and i am kiind of liking it and that is what he always said to me that i liked it and maybe he is right. i want someone to hug me and make this go away. i dont want to be a bad person.

Edited July 25, 2010 by notmary

[finding my way]

((((((HUGS)))))) to your little one and ((((((((HUGS)))))))) to you Mary:o.

Your child's mind would believe the adult... she couldn't reason for herself, and there was the "proof" that she was enjoying it. She was not enjoying being neglected, she was not enjoying being trapped and abused. She was not benefiting at all from learning how to dissociate to survive. She does not enjoy being the focus of shame and hatred from the rest of you as you have been so tortured by these memories:(

If you read about child abuse victims, this is a common dynamic. The child will defend the abuser even. The confusion and self hatred is so damaging for the child, especially as she tries to grow up and have her own life.

That is why we hurt so much for you, Mary, and why we are so proud of your efforts. You are struggling to get your mind back from the crazy place of abuse, and you are doing it!! I hope that doesn't hurt to say we are proud of you when what you still feel is so much hurt and shame:o

Your reaction formation really is changing though. There is less panic. There are more times that you stay together and less times that you dissociate. You are doing awesomely well : )

[notmary]

it doesnt hurt but it does make me cry (want to cry since it is not ok for me to really cry). i am so thankful to have you here to listen. i wish that i made more sense. i think that it will be another long day of trying to be with my family when i want to be back in my dark closet where no one can see or hurt me.

it really is crazy the feelings that i have... i do think that i am damaged in some fundamental way and that i cant be made whole... like humpty dumpty i guess. as i continue to work on this i see my reactions and feelings in all aspects of my life that are warped............................. i am not making sense. I HURT SO MUCH

[finding my way]

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) to you, Mary:o

You are making a lot of sense to me. I do not feel confused about you. There are so many here that have suffered child abuse too.

Some day you might reach a point where you can talk more to someone near you, just so they know the burden you bear. It may even help to be in a support group, so you see other's faces and they see yours. It may make you feel less disconnected from the world you live in. Meanwhile, you have us, ok?

Pace yourself if you can, Mary. Be gentle with you. "I am learning how to love myself. I am learning to find peace. I hurt so very much and I want to hide, but I am on this path and I have value."

[notmary]

It is beyond my belief that I will ever be able to share this with anyone. I still can barely talk about it with my therapist. Sometimes my throat feels like it is swollen shut and the panic that rises up when I try to say any of it overwhelms me. I doknow that my thrapist will probably grow tired of me soon and then I will be left alone to deal with this but maybe that is ok. Maybe I need to stop: thinking, talking, feeling and go back to what I was before.

Thank you to everyone here. I am sorry if my words hurt any of you. I am also sorry that I dont follow your suggestions. I am not a strong person. I am just trying to survive this without giving into my desire to be gone from this.

[danni]

Mary,

I don't think you need to spend time wondering or worrying about what you might or might not share in the future. Maybe just concentrate on today. that seems to be enough for you right now.

I also don't think you need to worry about your therapist "getting sick of" you. Healing from things like this takes a very long time. Unfortunately it can be a slow/painful/hard process but worth the work once you get through it. Take the time you need step by step, day by day.

[notmary]

I do worry about my therapist giving up on me. I truly would understand if she did because what I have told her and the type of person that I am. However, I can't bear the thought of her washing her hands of me. I want to do whatever she suggests but I keep bringing myself down. I am so afraid that she will leave me alone with this mess.

[finding my way]

We do need people to stick by us and care. You didn't have enough of that growing up:o:o I don't think your therapist will leave you either, but I can see where the fear of it comes from. I wish you well today!

[notmary]

well my therapist didn't throw me out today even though i am sure she wanted to. she is however off on another vacation so it will be a couple of weeks on my own again. hopefully i will somehow hold it together better than last time.

we talked a lot about anger tonight. about how i am so angry at my self that this has happened and that i continute to hate me and be angry at me. she wonders why i can't direct that anger to him. how can i do that? he isn't here. he said it was my fault. how can i be angry at him when i made him do these things?

i still feel so much shame and humiliation. It hurts to even have her look at me when i talk about this. the memories keep flooding and the trauma feels like it is happeneing right now. will i ever be whole and normal and together and feeling again

[IrmaJean]

One thing I discovered with myself, Mary, is that my mind seemed frozen at the age which the bad experiences happened. And a young child's world is naturally centered on themselves so it is sometimes difficult for them to understand or see outside of themselves at that point of development. I wonder if this could be part of why the tendency for self-blame? Perhaps grown up Mary can now recognize and understand that little Mary could never be to blame for the actions of another, let alone an adult who would naturally have power over her.

I hope that moving through this as you have been will help you find your way through to more serene days, Mary. I'm sorry your therapist is going away again. We'll be here to listen if you need extra support during this time. Take care, Mary.

[finding my way]

I agree with IrmaJean. It is terrible to be stuck with a divide inside between the inner child and the current functioning adult. They need to be a team, not fractured with warring needs. Isn't that how we experienced family life? so many echoes. In my family it felt like there was never enough to go around... there was food and shelter, but there wasn't enough attention, care, involvement, interest to go around. My mother was ill all the time too; my father remote. It felt like we were competitors for survival instead of a united team. My thinking as a child didn't get interupted or challenged or reassured or redirected, and I carried it on into adulthood. It is very difficult to grow healthy thinking in isolation. What I needed was adult input into that wounded part, and I had to get it as an adult, in therapy. I had to allow my child's thinking to get that input, and it took my adult self to allow it to happen. Whew!!! Now it feels like there is more to go around... I'm still learning how to be a team with myself in life's challenges, but I'm less blocked by my wounds than I was.

Hope today is ok, Mary:o

[notmary]

Your words make so much sense, IrmaJean and Finding. I have always felt like I am in a war against myself. I view me as the enemy. I don't want to feel like that anymore and I want to somehow put myself back together. It seems like an impossible task however. I can't seem to get past the self-hatred. I try to drown out his words and his lessons with my own words but I feel like for every step forward it is two steps back. His words are constantly running in my head. I have lived with them for so long that I wasn't even aware of them most of the time. I feel like occasionally I can glimpse my 8 year old self and I feel so sad for what is happening to her but then his voice overpowers me and I feel such hatred and contempt for her. My mind is so messed up.

[finding my way]

Mary, you learned how to dissociate when you were that age:(. You did it to survive. Can you see the damage that causes?

At that point you stopped wanting to be you. Things might have already been heading in that direction with the neglect going on in your family. It must have been very painful to be you. Then the abuse started and it became pretty impossible to be you, so you split apart.

The amazing hope I see is how you are coming back together. I know you don't quite see it yet, so I hope it doesn't hurt you to say I'm happy for how you are coming together when what you feel is tremendous pain.

Mary back then you didn't want to be you. It hurt too much. You chose to link into your abuser in order to survive. You didn't feel your pain as much but it left you with his voice in your head.

You have different choices now, though. The more help you get and the more perspective on this you can achieve, the more you will feel your choices.

At some point, you will be able to see each of you clearly. An abuser, who is a sick man with serious issues leading him into criminal behavior. A sad, lonely child who is way too alone. Now that you are an adult and can make your own choices, who would you rather be?

[malign]

Mary,

I just want to stick my nose in, again. Remember when you thought the words you heard all the time were your own? Now you know: they're his words. And that's progress, you see. Because cognitive therapy (interrupting your own self-talk) is a lot harder if you're not aware that self-talk is happening. And now you are aware.

I know it's difficult to fight it; you learned it such a long time ago. But now you know your teacher well enough to start questioning what he taught. And I call that progress. :-)

[notmary]

i don't know how much more of this "progress" i can take i am hurt and angry and a horrible person. i can't become whole when i have this much poison in me. i hear it in everything i do... youre stupid youre a slut youre a whore youre trash no one wants you and i cant fight it beause i know it is true

i am a piece of trash that should have stayed at the curb i hurt so much that i dont want to breathe anymore think anymore be anymore.

[malign]

Exactly, Mary: this is the process for getting the poison out of you.

I know it hurts, and I'm sorry. We're here, and we don't think you're trash, or any of those other things.

[finding my way]

Mary I'm so sorry for your hurting:(

I just wanted to share a youtube video that cheers me up. The man has scoliosis and he has learned to robot dance!

There is so much pain in the world, but there is so much beauty too. I am glad to know you, Mary.

[notmary]

that was very inspiring. thanks for sharing.

i am fighting the urge to run or to hurt myself somehow... the problem with either option is that i end up hurting my children. i never could end it all becasuse of them but i have done other hurtful behaviors in the past that would destroy us. when his voice takes over which it has tonight or a new memory comes forward which is what is happening right now i just want to make it stop somehow..... i dont see light in this tunnel i dont find peace i feel like all of my nerves are burning

to have my body used that way to have no one step in and help me and to no that everything he says is true that no one cares and it is my fault. i cant even say what he is doing to me... i want to stop

[finding my way]

You can step in right now Mary, you can care right now. We are right with you, stepping in and caring right now what happens to you.

You are not trash. I am not trash. This is a trance you are in. Put your feet on the ground and breathe. We are not anyone's trash:mad::mad:

Let us know how you are Mary. You need to get yourself to a safe place, and if that needs to be a hospital, then please allow yourself to go.

[malign]

I'm with 'finding': we care, and you can care, what happens to that little girl. You can stop it, and not by killing her, but by saving her. She has a life to live, your life.

[notmary]

i want to help the little girl but she is so scared and he is right there and what he is doing is so awful and i want him to stop STOP HURTING HER