shame

[notmary]

going to the hospital isnt necessary. Just need to be able to be heard. Not trying to be a bother. I just need to make the pain stop

[IrmaJean]

Have you ever journaled at all about your feelings, Mary? Have you ever considered writing a letter expressing your feelings?

I think it's a positive thing that you are standing up for the little girl. Little girls deserve to be cherished, respected and loved.

I'm sorry this is so challenging and painful.

We hear you, Mary. Your voice and feelings are very important. It's good that you are expressing yourself here.

I hope tomorrow brings you some relief.

[finding my way]

Mary, you've taken another step, you can feel wanting to be heard! Getting the help you need is no bother, it is a fulfilling act for both of you. The work you are doing right now is real. Being heard right now is real. Help is real. Healing is real.

I have to be away at a training today. Are you in a safe place? Even if we can't always synchronize, we are listening Mary, we hear you:o

[notmary]

It is a new day and the sun is shining. I woke up feeling a bit hopeful... not sure why but let's go with it. As has been the case for most of the summer, the sun is shining and the birds are chirping... hard not to feel something positive!

I have done some writing about things, IrmaJean, but often that turns into a scary trip to the past. The times when it would probably be most beneficial to write... when I am feeling some peace and calm... is when I least want to do it because I don't want to ruin the moment.

Finding, I do find myself wanting to be heard. This is new for me and of course rather scary. I am so locked into keeping me private that I am kind of comfortable in my self-built walls.

Thank you for being here for me. I am sure that you are sick and tired of the whining and if you are done with me, I understand.

[IrmaJean]

No one is tired of you, Mary. We appreciate and respect you and we're happy to be here for you.

I'm glad you are feeling positive at the moment. I agree that writing when you are feeling peaceful and calm could be beneficial. I like writing poetry about pretty things. I find it helps me to connect with my senses and to the beauty and wonder in life.

Enjoy the sunshine, Mary.

[malign]

Quite the opposite, Mary: your progress makes us want to be around you even more. You're growing, and it's beautiful to watch!

Of course, it also hurts like hell. If growing were easy, we'd all be HUGE! :-)

Everyone builds walls for their comfort. But walls don't let in sunshine or fresh air, so in the end, you get the familiar, but not really the comfortable. What I find really comfortable is sitting outside in the shade on a warm breezy day, rather than inside in a dark stuffy room. Sure, there's a chance it might thunderstorm on you, but in exchange you get light and hope and joy.

[notmary]

i had a good day but now the evening ishere and the fear and the pain are pushing to the surface again i need a dark safe place to hide where he cant get me and where i wont hear his voice and feel his hands and mouth on me i am looking at my ocean pictures and trying to hear the waves but he is louder than my cd i am too weak to fight him i see what he is doing to her and he is so awful to her but she doesnt stop him she lays there and lets him do it i have to turn away

[finding my way]

Can you take your little one with you and your dog for a walk? Can you do something active and include her, even if it is just vaguely? "There is more to our life than this. Let's go."

[notmary]

Tonight I felt like I was back at square one because I left my body. It was the only way I could deal with the memory was to separate myself. This feels like more failure on my part. It is scary to feel like I am not me and to know that staying "me" hurts so much. I am damaged goods and I won't get better. this is the truth

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Notmary,

You are not "damaged goods," and you will get better.

Listen, life is made up of a lot of steps forward followed by a step or two backwards. The idea is to avoid wanting to surrender when a step back occurs.

Allan

[notmary]

the steps forward that others tell me I am making don't feel like progress to me. I still feel raw and vunerable and unsure of myself and totally unsure of who I am. My therapist says it is great progress that I usually stay together rather than splitting off now when I have memories wash over me. But before I was just dead inside and separated from the pain. Now I feel everything it hurts and is scary and I don't know what is coming next. And the shame and humiliation and belief that this is my fault and that I must have done something to make this happens remains... UGHHH just the same whine, whine, whine - I know that but I feel that I can't do this.

[finding my way]

Mary, for the very first time yesterday, I was able to play a song through on the accordion without stopping and starting... I could reach all the keys in time and in sequence. That has never happened before! I have been trying for a year and a half. For some reason I have been determined about this. I've started and stopped music lessons all my life, but this time I do not want to quit. I know from the work I do that we can build neural connections-- the brain is "plastic" and we can wire abilities all the way up to the day we die. Each step of the way I have witnessed this with the accordion. I will be unable to coordinate a note change and then wake up and suddenly be able to do it. The wiring somehow happened in my sleep!

I'm telling you all this because consciousness does not know everything. My awareness of what I feel I can do is not objective truth. I have been terribly embarassed and discouraged throughout this process. There is a part of me, however, that doesn't want to give up this time.

What we say to ourselves in these circumstances matters. Consciousness doesn't know everything, but it sure can influence how we wire up. If we say to ourselves, "I will never get better. This is it," it is sooooo much harder to break through. It doesn't take much to make a difference. Even just a little opening, if it is sincere, is all we need to move forward. I cannot have big hopes for me as a musician, but I can be with me in the process and discover what I can do. I can reign in my urge for negative pronouncements. I can let myself wire.

When I went to my lesson yesterday, it all went away. I was not able to hit the notes. I didn't say bad things to myself though. I now know it is possible. The neuronet is there waiting to be strengthened:o

I hope you don't mind my writing about a silly thing like music lessons when you are dealing with trauma:(. My hope is that we can wire in our wounded places too, and connect up to where we need to go for our life's song.

[notmary]

I canceled my appointment with my counselor but now i think that i made a mistake. I was supposed to go back today after a vacation but I couldn't do it. I have been trying so hard to avoid and run away from my memories. NOw that I am back in my real life with the stresses of family and home and the memories are coming fast and furious. i realize that i cant look myself in the eyes... i dont know if i ever look in my eyes because i am afraid of what i see there. tonight the feelings of shame and embarrassment and not being whole are back i dont think i can do this again

[finding my way]

I also came to a place while working with my inner child that centered around the face. I needed someone to look into her face and see her. I found that Nature could do that.... eventually I could do that too.

I know this is difficult for you right now. There is so much pain. Meanwhile, we can look into your face and see you, Mary. This is an anonymous site, but we can reach through these words and see you and know you are valuable and you are our friend.

[notmary]

i just am not worth your kindness and caring i am not a good person and i have this core of ... ick is the only way to describe itand i cant get rid of itno matter how hard i try to not be like that

[finding my way]

Dear Mary, this is an ancient judgement of you that came from your trauma and your abuser... we are standing with you as you sort this out... I know it hurts so very much:(

[notmary]

just off to a rough start the tape in my head playing loudly maybe i will just go hide in my closet where it is dark and safe and he cant find me i need that peace i had found i just cant remember how to make it happen

[finding my way]

counting deep breaths has a real effect of switching into a different part of your brain... going for a walk with your dog does it too because you are up and moving in a coordinated, rhythmic way (walking and breathing). These things can help you shift for real. When you are confident in these techniques, then you can afford to do some integration.... focus on the physical calm of now while picturing you and your little one together so that she gets to experience this for real calm too.

Meanwhile, if this is too much, just taking care of you helps you both:o

[notmary]

I am trying to take care of myself today but I am not doing great with it. Another failure for the life story. I am bubbling with anger. My children's fighting and whining and my stupid self just can't deal. Hi s voice is getting plenty of play time taunting me reminding me how bad I am.

[malign]

But he's wrong, look: trying isn't failure, it's success. Your children are fighting; who wouldn't be angry? But you're not mistreating them, the way he did. You're the winner, here, Mary. It's him that was a loser.

[notmary]

I have tried my hardest to build a safe loving home for my children. It is like an obsession for me but the way I am right now I am just like my mom and I understand why she tuned out and knocked herself out with medicine. I should never have had children because I am an unfit person. He knew it and I know it

[malign]

You're not just like your Mom, Mary: you're still sober and vigilant. It's taking a lot out of you, but to me, his opinion about what makes a fit parent means less than nothing.

[notmary]

I don't know how to be a good mom. I try to just love them and keep them safe but I am so f'ed up myself that I am not good for them. I wish I was different and I wish I could keep them safe. Oh hell... I wish I wasn't me...

[malign]

Mary, who could ask more from their mom than to be loved and kept safe?

I'm sorry; I know I'm just arguing with you and that it's probably not helping. I don't know how to make contact with you, from this far away, that would show you that I have complete confidence in your abilities to take care of children. Precisely because you know what can happen if they're not taken care of.

[notmary]

I am sorry. I know that you are frustrated with me and so am I. I just want to not hur and I don't know what is wrong and how to get better. Thank you for trying.