shame

[notmary]

I am starting to feel very angry at him. i am having a very hard time with this because i dont know how to be angry. it seems like a waste of energy. i am afraid of this anger and i find myself seething at everyone but him because he is nowhere around to direct it. i get angry when my husband tries to be intimate when my kids want to snuggle when friends talk about their families. i dont want to end up alone... and i still truthfully blame myself mostly for the abuse.

[finding my way]

Anger isn't itself the goal. The ability to get angry at him is a sign that you've stopped dissociating from you and stopped siding with him.

Here is your remaining trigger:

i still truthfully blame myself mostly for the abuse

Continuing to believe this will continue your dissociation from yourself, will continue your self hatred, will continue the flashbacks, will continue your struggles with intimacy with loved ones.

"I have been blaming myself for the abuse of my childhood. This has gone on so long I don't know who I am if it was not my fault. I want to learn who I am if I stop blaming myself. I want a safe way to learn this.":o

[writing affirmations for another can be tricky Mary. Disregard this if it doesn't work for you!]

[Dee J]

Mary, I am very sorry that happened to you....I can't say that enough. It wasn't your fault. You have repressed these feelings for a very long time, it was your mind's way of keeping you safe.

Do you mind me asking how your relationship with your husband is? Before you started remembering and then now? Sometimes it's hard to imagine that our minds can deliberately do this to us, but it is a protection and self preservation mechanism. You have no reason to feel shame, Mary. Remember that above all else. You are not siding with him no matter how much of it you remember. It is a sad thing, but sometimes you must relive it and talk about it in order to put it behind you. You have to be honest with yourself, Mary and sometimes that will be the most painful.

I encourage you to talk to your therapist. You have to be able to get these things off of your chest and out of your mind. Not so you will forget, just so they won't be the dominant part of your life. All the negative feelings and thoughts can consume you and you have to do this for you. I wish you all the best, Mary. Please have faith, Mary. It will lead you in the way that you should go.

[notmary]

I am sad and hopeless. i hurt and feel dirty. do not tell me i am siding with him i am not. what he did to me should never happen to someone. but it did and it continues to happen to little children everyday making them feel dirty and ashamed. i want to give up. i want to not hurt. i want to not breathe and feel and not be me.

[finding my way]

when you feel this way can you breathe and feel the sensations of this moment right now? bring her to safety, Mary:o:o. It's ok to be you now. Your little girl can be ok now. It takes you standing with you. ((((((((HUGS)))))))), Mary:o

[notmary]

Thank you deej for your response and as always finding for your kindnes. i am embarassed and ashamed that i am so weak and i Am not able to deal with things today and i dont know if i will ever deal with it. i went to my therapist again but i am falling apart. i have had another memory surface. i dont think they will ever end. each memory pulls me down into shame. to know that i let these things happen to me and that i was a willing participant and that there were times when i even felt pleasure i am disgusted. today i just cant cope

[finding my way]

((((((HUGS)))))) to you Mary:o (((((((HUGS)))))))) to your little one:o. This painful painful confusion and hurt will not stop any of us from regarding you and your little one with our care. Bring her here anytime you need. Bring you here anytime you need. I'm sorry we aren't always here at the same time, but no one is giving up on you.

[notmary]

The little girl is in her room playing with her holly hobbie dooll the door opens and he comes in he lifts her nightgown telliing her he needs to check to see if she is clean he use hs mouth and the little girl doesnt know what he is doing it is so yucky and she wants him to stop and she likes it too and she feels dirty and he laughs at her because she cries but she likes it he says she is a slut and her mommy will leave her if she finds out and the little girl doesntt want to be alone and she wants to disappear

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Notmary,

This is from your last post:

The little girl is in her room playing with her holly hobbie dooll the door opens and he comes in he lifts her nightgown telliing her he needs to check to see if she is clean he use hs mouth and the little girl doesnt know what he is doing it is so yucky and she wants him to stop and she likes it too and she feels dirty and he laughs at her because she cries but she likes it he says she is a slut and her mommy will leave her if she finds out and the little girl doesntt want to be alone and she wants to disappear

In my opinion this is very profound because. You gave this terrible experience words and expressed it in all of its confusion, horror and even pleasure, for a little girl.

This is a big reason why sexual abuse of children by adults is so terrible. It opens conflicted emotions brought on by the battle between pleasure and horror. Its confusing and guilt provoking for children who then bring the conflict into adulthood.

Notmary, there was no way you could avoid the pleasure feeling during the abuse. That was just the normal body of a little girl reacting in a normal way. You did not cause it, not even the pleasure and you are guilty of Nothing.

You are NOT dirty or bad or deserving of any punishment at all.

I agree with what others have said: Direct your anger against the person who did this to you instead of against yourself.

Allan

[notmary]

If only I could direct the anger to him. Instead I sit here in shame and confusion. I have such a strong desire to hurt myself... not to kill myself but to make myself hurt.

I hope that it is ok to post a memory like that... I cant talk about this to anyone in my real life. My husband, my friends, I cant open up to any of them because it is too embarassing and too confusing, plus I am afraid of their reaction.

DeeJ, you asked what my relationship with my husband is like and I will try to respond honestly. He is a very good and kind man. I know that I was first attracted to him because he was safe. I finally had a man with who would protect me. I made so many poor choices before he came along... sleeping with anyone who showed me the littlest bit of interest and always feeling dirty and ashamed but almost unable to stop me. When I met my husband, I finally found a man who respected me, loved me and enjoyed me for me. I don't know that I "fell in love" with him but through our 20 years of marriage, I have developed a strong love and respect for him. I continued to make poor choices with other men even after he became my lover and husband but I slowly "grew up" and recognized that I could not continue to be that person. Luckily my husband never found out about this. With the relationship that we have developed, I have never been as open as I should be. I have never told him about the way I was before I met him and he doesn't know anything about the abuse. I don't know if I will ever be able to share this freak show of a life with him.

[finding my way]

It is ok to write here, Mary. This is your thread and it is for your healing. Writing is helpful to get this pain out from just being looping images in your head. In time you will be less in a memory trance when you write them. In time you will be able to look at it from a different perspective, from a different location inside you. The pain of right now is that it is so hard for you to be you while you are remembering these things, it hurts so very much:(. The urge to turn against you and away from it all is strong. The hope we offer you is you do get to leave this scene... taking all of you with you as you go to the next chapter of your life's story.

For now, write whatever you need, Mary, and we are listening and standing with you. Maybe someday your husband can go to a therapy session with you, and he can stand by you too. I can tell he loves you; this could be possible for you:o.

[notmary]

I think that this latest memory is the hardest for me to face. I do understand that physically my body responded naturally. But emotionally it is completely degrading and humiliating. Especially when I couple it with the fact that now as an adult in a loving committed relationship, I have a great deal of difficulty experiencing pleasure in sex. At most, I am able to relax and enjoy the closeness and get through it. Often however I leave my body and I am a observer of the sex. I hate this abouit me... it is like I am unable to accept the intimacy, caring, and respect that my husband offers to me. I am only able to accept and feel pleasure when it is degrading and humliliating.

When I said that I want to hurt me, I am really struggling with the want to have sex with someone who has no respect for me and will just use me. I don't want to do that to my husband but it feels like I need to do this. I know that I am not a good person and that to even think about this proves it to me.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Notmary,

Please try as best as possible to understand (emotionally, not just intellectually which I know you do) that children who were molested in the way you were go on to have the types of sex lives you describe. It is unclear why but it is a symptom of the molestation. These were not "poor choices" on you part. This was part of a compulsion and you had no choice. You must come to know and fully understand that, not just by words, but emotionally as well.

You are not a bad person. You did not cause what happened to you and, even though it may seem to you that you made choices, YOU Did Not choose to be with those men.

Allan

[notmary]

the stupid person writing this is a disgrace and a slut do not listen to her

she does not deserve respect or kindness

she allows men to use her and she likes it

Edited August 26, 2010 by notmary

[notmary]

i am splintering into pieces and i am afraid the little girl is too hurt and too afraid and she cant be helped

i am too weak and just cant help her but i dont want her to be alone because he just keeps hurting her

[finding my way]

Dear Mary, I hear you. You are really struggling right now. Your little girl can be helped and you can be helped. Can you focus your attention to something real happening right now? It can be your breathing, the sound of your feet taking a walk.... pull your damaged parts with you and just get real simple and present to right here and right now. As you get better at this, you'll feel less of a trance state taking you over, less fear. Is this something you can try?

[notmary]

i ama trying right now i just hurt all over and i am afraid of what i am seeing but i am trying to look at my dog and pet him and breathe

[finding my way]

Very good. The more you are able to break the trance and get back to now, the more you will be at choice for what is best for you. How much of you is here and how much of you is in the memory would you say?

[notmary]

earlier it was 95 percent memory i tried to write and i kept thinking i can write and be me but i wasnt in charge now i am starting to feel like i am coming back into my body and i am probably about 40 percent still in memory. i know this is not normal and i feel so sad and hopeless again. to remember what i have done and to be stuck in that horrible place again and again

i am angry and UGGGGHHHHHHH

[notmary]

i am afraid of what i am going to do i think i should leave my home and go somewhere where i wont hurt my family and especially my husband again and where i can just be who i really am

[finding my way]

well yes, there are things yet to figure out and lessons yet to learn, but do you have to do them right now? Right now you are in a fluctuating state, but you are getting stronger and learning how to pull yourself out of a trance state. In that trance you don't have choices and you don't have access to your adult functioning.

[notmary]

I have been caught up today in memories... both from when i was a little girl and then later when I made so many bad decisions. I cant buy that I didn't make the decisions to sleep with anyone knowing that I was the whore that would do this. I AM DAMAGED GOODS. I deserve this. I am not worth the concern but I am so thankful for it, but please give up on me. I am wasting your time.

[finding my way]

Oh no sweetie, that is not my judgment, that is yours. and in a way, it isn't even yours, but you are carrying it. You were told you were not worth it, that you deserve abuse, that no one has time for you, that you are damaged and not able to be different. Sweetie we see through this because we know about abuse:(

[finding my way]

My little girl is worth knowing, and so is yours. Yours needs a chance to be something other than this trauma, and she can't do it without you. She is totally worth it, Mary. I know you can't embrace this yet because of the heavy layer of shame you are working through. But you are working through it. You are saying more and more, getting more and more out.

I am glad to know you. And I stand by you both.

[notmary]

Thank you but I don't want to let you down. I am forever grateful for you and everyone else who is helping me. I just dont want be alone but I know that is how this will end. I dont know how to help her... she doesnt even seem to be a part of me... it is like she is a separate piece and the older whore is another piece and the liar cheating wife another piece. I don't want them to be all me. I want to only be good so that I wont be left alone. I am pretty much out of that memory now... just the shame is left