shame

[malign]

I'm not frustrated with you, Mary. :-)

I want you not to hurt, too.

[finding my way]

We are standing with you so you can stand with you too. The person that you are is a perfectly fine person to be. You may not see that, but we do. Undoing brainwashing takes time and patience, but it is doable! When we are feeling down it is tempting to side with our abuser:(. Mary I don't believe that is what you really want. Times of feeling low will take some extra patience for you, but it will get better... please resist passing judgement on you tonight...

[notmary]

I dont want to side with him. I hate that he is a part of me. I don't know why I am falling apart again. Nights just can be so hard and I just feel so alone. I get so angry and frustrated with myself that I am such a baby. Why did these things happen to me? Why does it matter to me that it happened? Why am I such a mess

[finding my way]

you are still healing, Mary, and it is still work:(. In these times, if you can, try not to reach conclusions or pass judgement on you. That is the old way. Try to breathe a little space into your pain... a space of nonjudgement... even a tiny bit will help:o. Maybe add a couple more things to try for your thought stopper list and action plan for times of need. I am wishing you well today, Mary!

[notmary]

I am very concerned that it is taking so long. I dont think that I am any "better" than I was a few months ago. I am so afraid that people... my therapist, my family( who know nothing about this) , people on here... will give up on me and leave me. I am even trying to prepare myself by putting up the barriers with my therapist again... cancelling appointments, ignoring phone calls. Mary the "control freak" strikes again.

I guess that I am a bit judgmental of myself, but I think these things automatically and pretty constantly.

well it is a new day and I will try to dance as fast as I can to keep my mind from becoming overwhelmed with shame and fear.

[notmary]

bad night out earlier in the day and i saw a man and i went into panic mode because he seemed like the man it is crazy because i dont know who this person from my past my mom doesnt even know the names of the the men who stayed with us and i know longer live in the home town where i grew up but i just started panicking couldnt breathe sweating and awful memories and the voice i somehow got home and now am afraid to go anywhere just petting my dog

[IrmaJean]

That sounds stressful, Mary. Dogs are great at offering comfort. I hope you found some comfort and peace last night.

We're still here and we're not giving up on you, Mary.

I hope your mind dances gracefully and happily today.

[finding my way]

Hi Mary!! we aren't giving up on you! Are you giving up on you? what I mean is, is your adult self running away from your child self, abandoning her to her trauma so that the past is right now and strangers look like your abuser and no one is around to help her? What does your adult self need right now to come back? Both of you are so beaten down by negative judgements that magnify human mistakes into condemnations of failure and worthlessness. What if you just worked on that one "old habit" for now... can you breathe a space into each tendency to judge yourself? When those thoughts come up, interupt them, breathe silence and space, connect with nature, anything that is right here and right now and not of the thought universe. Anyone would need support to make this shift and break this habit. Was your therapist supportive, Mary? Do you need her back? You for sure have us!!!

[notmary]

Thank you as always for standing by me. I know that I am draining and exasperating.

My therapist was very supportive. I just think that I am way too dependent on her. I know that I must be sending her to her breaking point and that she was going to send me packing so I did it for her.

I don't want to abandon me again... that makes me sad to think of that little girl and her being left on her own again. I don't mean to abandon her.

[finding my way]

Well what does your adult self need right now so that she doesn't abandon your little one? What would help her?

[This talk about being a burden sounds more like a fear of being rejected that comes from childhood. Looking at that fear with compassion might help you see that you are not a burden Mary, not for us, not for your therapist.]

[notmary]

I am afraid that I have finally crashed and I dont know what to do or who I am. i cant talk I cant breathe. i am lost and hopeless and I dont have anyone I am done

[malign]

You can't be "Done", you're Mary! :-)

What's happening, Mary? What makes this happen so often, around the same time of day? Maybe that's something that you can change, so you're not alone with it, each time ...

You know you can breathe. Just focus on something outside the window, anything that isn't in the scene you're remembering, and focus on slowing down the sound of your breath. Slower, and slooowwwweeerrrrrrrrr. You can do this, Mary. You can stay in the present. You're here, and you're safe; he's long gone, now.

[notmary]

I see his face and feel his hands and mouth and other things but mostly I hear his words and I feel the shame and fear and it is mixed with pleasure and that is so horrible to even admit. sometimes leaving my body and the memories brings me peace. I probably should call my therapist and reconnect but the shame and vunerability I feel right now I dont think I can. as far as the time of day... afternoonand early evening was not a safe time. i wante someone to love me and care for me and I walked right into this.

[malign]

You wanted exactly what every other child wants, Mary, and it's not what you got.

Could you turn outward, for me, Mary? There's a summer world outside, right now, where all that violence and pain isn't happening. It's right there, outside your window. You don't have to leave your body; instead, you can be _in_ your body, right now, on a day where nothing bad is happening to you.

[notmary]

Thank you mark fot helping me. I took my dog for a walk and concentrated on breathing. theis helped with the panic and the feeling that it was happening right now. i guess i am beginning to wonder if i will ever get past this. i am trying so hard to keep myself in the present but then thememories overwhelm me. then i am left with this horrible shame and sadness. thank you again

[malign]

You're welcome, Mary. :-)

You need to realize that there's nothing shameful about what you're feeling; what happened to you was horrible.

I would suggest trying to schedule your time so that you have as little time to yourself in the afternoons, when you feel unsafe. And leave yourself an escape option, like taking the dog for a run. The outside world is always there, and it's a way to prove to yourself that he's not there.

Plus, your dog will love it. :-)

[notmary]

It feels shameful to me. i try to be objective and to look at it like an outsider would. but i am not an outsider. i am the person who did these things and felt the fear and disgust and helplessness. i am the damaged person who doesnt quite fit into the world around me because i know that at any moment the horror will return. i know i need to keep busy but it doesnt seem safe a lot of the time. my therapist used to say baby steps...

[malign]

Well, the other thing about baby steps, Mary, is that babies pretty much expect to fall down a lot. ;-)

Have you ever watched a baby trying to get up? Quite often, they stand up so vigorously that they topple right over again, but does that stop them? Okay, so their rumps are usually well-padded, but I think we could all learn from their determination. :-)

I hope you're gradually realizing, if you get a chance to read other people's stories, here, that you're not the only one living through a horror like this, not the only one having to gradually fit themselves back into life. One thing, though: you're allowed to change life to fit you, as well.

[finding my way]

How are you, Mary?

[notmary]

Thank you for checking in on me. i am doing ok. flashbacks continue and they are almost paralyzing at times. trying very hard to keep busy and distracted but remain very disconnected from life. have spent lots of time with friends and family. laughter is so good for my soul. i am trying to work up courage to call my therapist. i cancelled my last appt weeks ago and now just ignore her calls. i am angry and embarrassed by myself.

[finding my way]

She will understand, Mary. Her job is all about these difficult dynamics and her training prepares her for it. Can you call her back today? We will support you! I'm glad you have been laughing with people, and yes that is very good medicine!

[notmary]

I did it... i called her and made an appt to see her again. she was very kind and caring which at first made me feel great but now has me feeling pretty pathetic. i just dont know what the right decision is anymore. i just somehow have to make these memories stop appearing. i need to stop hearing his voice. i need to be a strong person instead of this weak worthless shell

[finding my way]

I'm going to challenge this, Mary. Disregard if it doesn't help you:o

Maybe every time you judge yourself negatively in your most vulnerable times you leave you and side with your abuser.

Everytime you leave you and side with your abuser you strengthen his voice and the images of the abuse come more alive.

A strong Mary will stand with weak and vulnerable Mary.

Mary I know this is so hard. Do you see the dynamic though? "I'm pathetic... I'm a weak worthless shell..." Those are your triggers that perpetuate this trauma:(

What can you say to you instead?

[congratulations on calling your therapist!! ]

[notmary]

I hear what you are saying. my initial response was anger... i hate that man who did this to me. when i leave my body It is becuase i need to leave that scene. i dont mean to keep replaying his words and actions but they keep replaying anyway. i am thinking about what you said and maybe there is truth. i am disgusted if i am siding with him. i am so messed up.

[finding my way]

YaY! (I hope that's ok to yay)... you've had a tough time getting angry at him in the past. That's a sign of Mary standing with Mary:o:).

It was so hard to do that because before you would leave you and agree with him and say you were trash.