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Argh. I don't know what I see a psychiatrist for. Do you?

Guest SomethingOrOther

By Guest SomethingOrOther
in Psychotherapy and other Treatments

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IrmaJean Senior Member

IrmaJean

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The good things I do, just remind me of what I’ve lost.

This really stands out to me, Something. You can't change the past, this is true, but you can take what you do have right now and move forward with it. The good that you do can show you what you have to offer. These are your gifts.

The more people think I’m exceptionally helpful, the more credit goes to the other person, because most of the time I could show you how it works, but I’m worried that would leave everyone as miserable as I am.

I'm sorry if anything I wrote was hurtful. :) I wanted you to feel appreciated for what you've been doing here. Perhaps your feeling miserable means you haven't, as of yet, been able to give to yourself. Does your understanding of yourself include kindness? I hope that you will be very gentle with yourself. Take care.

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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Hello, S.,

I'd like to add some kind words, even though I have the same feeling as you've decribed: <<I’m worried that would leave everyone as miserable as I am>> :) (I'm not very miserable now, but I mean it in the context of the past and also in the context of my feelings about your hurting, which make me really sad...)

My first and very intensive feeling (while reading your last posts) was (again...) the wish I could somehow "share" my therapist with you. Silly, I know. But you surely understand that it's nothing but a wish that you would feel as supported, understood, appreciated, ... as I do with him. Sorry, now I worry very much that this could make you feel worse... :-( :o I'm going to try to finally write something relevant.

I feel like I’m different from everyone else

Maybe this is something hard to share, but... we all (ok: many of us) have the same feeling, accompanied by distress and despair, in some periods of our lifes. I'm sure you know it, but... just want to mention it: The 'hint' is that 1) the pain is the same for all of us, regardless of the reasons (and the reasons are often very similar, we only refuse to see it!), so we can understand each other despite of the differences and, in the same time; 2) we really are each different, but that makes us special. (Yes, it can be negative in some cases (murders, ...), but...) What we need is to either turn this difference into something good, something that can bring to us and to others positive feelings, or at least (in case of some 'complicated' differences) to learn to live with it without distress. Your 'difference' gave several people here a lot: Your posts have often been very insihgtful and helpful (yes; in most cases, you can't really change the situation of the person in need, but that's not what we seek here: We seek support, insights, understanding, kindness, ... and that's what you give!)! It's a sad truth: Only someone who knows how much life can hurt sometimes can comfort others who suffer. This is one of the positive aspects of suffering. But this doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to overcome the pains you feel!

I second this question of IJ:

Does your understanding of yourself include kindness?

I don't doubt at all that you've understood a lot about your life (and that you have a reason to feel it's too much!). But I see from what you write that there is still somethig hidden, something that you have to find out. And it surely includes not only the reason why you are starving and how to learn not to starve, or the way 'how to navigate', ... but also the reasons why you can/deserve be better to yourself and how to be kind to yourself, and the reasons why you are not yet able to fully be so. It's easy to write and hard to do; I know, I'm just on the way, not in the destination (but I feel the destination is closer and closer every week, despite some transient 'steps back').

*sigh*... I'm writing so much but feel like not mentioning anything new to you or anything that could really help... At least I hope you can feel my compassion and friendship (even though only 'vitrual'/'in silico ;)') as agreable... :o

This didn't move us much further, it seems :-(. But I have also a question:

Would you mind to write us more abut your 'father issue'?

I decided that it’s easier not to have a father when I was a teenager

How would you explain it? (I remeber that your father was/has been (?) an alcoholic. That's all I know about him.) And what are the consequences that you feel in your life (except the fact that you are attracted to 'older' men ;-))? How does the 'starving' you've mentioned manifest? ...

You know; I was sure all the long years that I understood very well all the consequences of my 'paternal deprivation', but... it's incredible how many new insights 'appeared' during my therapy. And I've never felt as "this is too much; I would rather not to know it"! On the contrary! This is not another attempt to convince you about therapy! I think you could get some new insights also by writing here. Would you try?

Take care...

L.

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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Hi, S.,

It's hard for me to reply, as I don't have any experience with how to 'help' someone who has such family problems. So I'm going to write only some comments to few ideas where it seems to me that I might say 'something relevant'.

everyone else seems to be in pain, because they lack independence or plain hate themselves

It doesn't seem to me this way. Independence is one of (many, of course) the most commun reasons of ... 'existenctial crises', anxieties, ... "What to do with our lifes? Which way to choose?" Yes, many struggle with the lack of independence, but... the 'freedom' can be percieved as very stressful, too. That's my case, too. I don't know what I want (except for not doing any harm to people I love and trying to be nice, helpful, meaningful - that's all very abstract :D; how to achieve it? There are surely several ways, but... which one is for me?).

And the hate: One doesn't need to hate himself to act as if he did. Sometimes we don't feel a hate, but have so low self-esteem and don't see it (we conseder it to be appropriate!) and this becomes an invisible obstacle on our way.

I feel like I have problems nobody understands and knowledge I shouldn’t have. Oh, and I occasionally see things nobody else cares to see.

Yes, I see; people who would understand and care are not around you, or at least you don't know about them :(. But they exist. I don't say that this site can replace them, but it at least shows you that... there are people who want to understand and care - at least 'in the limited way that is possible via internet'.

my mother thought, I should go and talk my father out of splitting up

This is one of the awful examples of emotional child abuse...

[...] my mother didn’t know how, but didn’t wonder for a second [...]

... and this is an example of neglect, ignorance... :(

it WAS easier not to have a father when I was a teenager

Yes, it was a useful defence mechanism!

My father is an alcoholic. That’s all I know about him, too.

(Nice sarcasm, by the way.) It seems you also now that he was unable to create a 'normal' family, he used to blame you for things that weren't your fault, he was unable to give you the love you needed, ... and by this all he forced you to refuse him, caused you difficulties in building relationships with men, ... I wonder if you have somewhere deep inside a feeling of 'guilt' - a feeling that maybe you could have changed it, that maybe you should be able to love him but you aren't, ... I'm sorry it surely is painful, but... would you try to search for this feeling? To recognize it would be the first and maybe most important step to get rid of it. I'm sure you know very well that there is no reason for any feeling of guilt, but I'm not sure if you also feel it and 'know it deep inside'... :o

L.

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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Thanks for clarifying! I've noticed that people often write about their lifes 'regardless of the chronology' and it causes difficulties in understanding and 'interpretations'. So... (sorry that I say it :D, but...) you are 'normal' in this regard, too.

However, your 'new info' doesn't change a lot in what I've written.

By the way, it reminds me my friend whose parents divorced when she was about 24 and she then told me: "I would never suppose that this can make me feel so bad in this age! I supposed it's hard for a child, but..." It was very hard for her, even though the behaviour of her parents before their divorce had been hurting her a lot. I mainly remember her 1st Cristmas without her father; she was so depressed... Surprisingly, some years ago, she 'revealed' to me that it was her stepfather; her 'biological' father left her mum when she was about 1 year old and - unbelievable! - she even knows (I don't understand how her mother could tell her this!) that when her mum was pregnant, her father said "me or the child" - and as she decided to have the child, he left her after some time.

I don't know why I'm writing this all to you. I don't want you to suppose that it's "to show you that there are some worse cases". No. (I even don't think that it's possible to say which case is 'worse'!) I often tend to think about others whose lifes are so much worse than mine, but... I already know that... it's not a way to 'attenuate one's suffering/problems/worries/...' and it (usualy) doesn't lead to constructive conclusions.

I'm looking forward to your next post :(.

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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So, I'm back...

I'm sorry your mother is so selfish :(. Maybe I should write you things like "you should try to understand that it's so hard for her and that her lack of interest is due only to her hard life and a not very good character", but... what for? Something different came to my mind: My mum is competely different. She has been single with a kid, never recieved aliment/alimony,

she fought with her mum quite a lot, mostly because of the way how to raise me, her sister is a very difficult person, too (and is quite bad to her), ... She had a close friend (how to call it when 'boyfriend' sounds stupid for that age and I don't like the english 'lover' in this case?) which I hated all the long years and he died when I was 13, so she was left alone for the rest

of her life... All she has is me and we have a quite good relationship (well, I'm quite a difficult character/temper, so (when I lived with her) we used to have many arguments, but... nothing 'really bad'). But I never told her about my problems. She doesn't know how I've struggled with my PhD and that I'm considering to give it up. She doesn't know I'm in therapy and take an AD. I don't want her to know. Not because she wouldn't care, but because I don't want to hurt her.

So... I would say that you might take it this way: Maybe you wouldn't tell your mother anything even if she cared/was interested. So 'the consequences' are the same. All you have to do is to cope with the reasons. Are you sure you would like to tell her about your problems if she was a very good mother? Are you sure she would be able to help you? Let's assume that no. So... the only problem is how to bear her lack of interest, the fact that you don't recieve the feeling that we all need so much. Hm. "It seems" :( I didn't simplify it :(... At least I tried to show you one of the possible points of view... Do you have some more ideas about it?

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finding my way Senior Member

finding my way

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one of the gold nuggets I got out of being in al-anon was that alcoholism is about diseased relationships. That meant a lot to me. SoO, you hurt. That means your needs are still unmet. It can feel beyond maddening to be so vulnerable. The primary relationships in your life have not done the job of connecting you up, and you hurt.

I relate to so much of your story. I am not on speaking terms with my parents at all. I also tried to slog through a degree in academia. There were so many things I had to learn in order to heal. In al-anon, I had this moment of revelation about anger. I realized I had been leaning heavily on it for sanity. When I voiced my anger I felt sane.... because so much was pure confusion otherwise. If I named what was bothering me, there was clarity. My realization, though, was that anger never ends. It is insatiable, bottomless, forever ad infinitum. and I didn't really feel better; in fact, I felt desperate. I left al-anon that evening somehow quiet... wondering what else there could be to organize around.

I'm sorry you hurt so much right now, something :o

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finding my way Senior Member

finding my way

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The point is to get unstuck. The point is to shift over into your you that doesn't need to ask "what's the point". The part of you that you are functioning out of is way overburdened and so so tired. Going for a Phd will do that. Dysfunctional relationships will do that. How are you with going for walks, meditating, art doodling, music, dance?

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finding my way Senior Member

finding my way

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What might really help is how you relate to you. Healthy relationships help give us more heart for putting up with others but also with ourselves. Clearly those needs have not been met for you. I hope you find a little tiny relief coming here, or at least that we are not making things worse. A therapist is also supposed to help jump start this development in your life. It is utterly exhausting going through the demands of every day functioning out of such pain :) :)

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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One day I can work for ten hours and the next I can work four, that's frustrating.

I'd be so glad if I was able to work at least 4 hrs a day... :)

(By the way, since this month, I'm in the same "position" as you with regard to salary/stipend: I finally don't recieve any money. It's the only advantage. Now I don't have to feel like steeling somebody's money (for doing nothing).)

But let's be a bit positive! Enjoy your Earl grey :D...

L.

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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ut why is it that in my diploma thesis every day was an exceptional one?

Oh, yeah! The same applies to me... I even recieved a price for my DTh. :) Ha! So long ago...

I never thought it's so difficult to shorten something

Sorry, I have to share this experience here: I've finished a review 2-3 weeks ago. My supervisor had said that I could use the intro of my PhDTh as review paper to a journal where he's wanted, for some reasons, send a review about 'our topic'. So I read the instructions for authors and started a very considerable shortening. But I've made a very stupid mistake: I left the references as "the final step". But then, when I added them (by EndNote, fortunately, not manually), the paper tourned out to be 10 pages (!!!) longer than it sohuld be! And it was 2 days before the deadline (and my supervisor was in Japan, by the way, so he couldn't read the last, more shortened version). Thanks to the fact that I was (those days) so happy from my therapy, I didn't panic and was able to make it as short as it had to be. And sent it to the journal. (Don't worry, my 'scientific English' is better than what you see here and my husband (with very good English) has done many corrections of the manucript!) But... you can imagine what I think about the manuscript. It's quite awful and I'm almost sure they will not accept it. But... silly, but I don't care. Maybe it's only temporary, maybe I'll become sad, but... now I feel like nothing really matters... One thing is funny: These days, I've found out that apathy is the best state of mind when I'm able to write the thesis! Because when I am so apathic, I don't start with my typical cryings and despairs and so on, I even don't dream/fantasie about anything pleasant, ... I don't care about anything, even that what I write is so useless, and... I write. Some time. Not 4 hrs a day, but... hopefully it will be better and I'll work more, maybe even up to 10 :D.

Sorry, I have to go out now, so I don't have time to check this post for mistakes...

"See you" later!

L.

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