Transference/Countertransference

[Rapha]

Is it any wonder that E insists that our new motto is, “Keep it Real” !!!! If there is even so much as a fleeting expression on her face she will tell me exactly what she is feeling and thinking – so liberating and comforting for me after what I have been through! Absolutely no agenda, subtext, meta-communication, game-playing and mixed messages, only 100% authenticity – I am finally free (and SAFE!!) for the first time ever in therapy to be exactly who I am - I cannot tell you how liberating this is!

XXX

Chisholm

I'm so happy for you that you have found someone trustworthy to open up to where no games are being played behind the surface. I'm still working on finding a similar therapist after my trauma with DR G and MHG. It looks like R (Richard - a psychologist of 40 years who practices

primarily CBT) has been good so far. More details on my thread later.

Keep your chin up and keep battling Chiz!

Peace,

---Rapha

[hatemeds]

Hey Chisholm - I second that - keep your chin up girl. Your posts are wonderful and have plenty insight!!!!

You like horseriding - I do too when I find the time! Gonna Private Message you a photo of a horse that we have on my parents farm! Hope the flatness recedes and the "lightheartedness" you were talking about returns. Sounds like you are in good hands now. Strength to you!

****

[hatemeds]

PS have not read your entire thread but do you have bipolar?

****

[Chisholm]

Thank you hatemeds I got your PM. No I'm not bipolar - had major depression now in remission. I hate to have to tell you (given your user name) that the AD's saved my life in more ways than one. I am still on them and they dont seem to worry me at all, although admittedly AD's are perhaps easier to live with than mood stabilisers (have been on both)!

Rapha - I've read your thread and am very concerned about you. Is your present therapist helping you with all these life challenges - what does he think of all the restrictions that have been placed upon you and the disability diagnoses from the various docs? Is he guiding you in making healthy decisions? Are you saying that you are still looking for another therapist over and above Richard?

Luna and IrmaJean - how can I ever begin to thank you for the compassionate concern and insight you have given me on the forum in the past year - you are both such wise and caring people and are so selfless in the time that you give up for others - thank you so so much!

XX

Chisholm

[IrmaJean]

Chisholm, your positive energy and continued well-being is the best thank you I could ever imagine. I'm so glad you are feeling better! Thank you for sharing a part of your journey with us. This has been meaningful to me, too. Love your new avatar. Looks very serene and relaxing. Take gentle care.

[Luna-]

I'm just passing along what has been given to me.

[Leo1954]

What you have stated is exactly right I hope one day soon I can feel that I don't have to make myself happy I hope it will be spontaneous!

[Chisholm]

It's amazing how everything can disintegrate so quickly and that in itself really really scares me. I had been feeling so strong of late - and I think I really have come on in leaps and bounds but I think I sometimes forget the enormity of what I have been through. I was reminded of that when I attended the first session of marital counseling recently. (Yes - I have finally got my husband to marital therapy - he has taken his head out of the ostrich hole far enough to acknowledge that much!) The fact that our marriage was lacking in emotional intimacy became patently obvious through the relationship that I developed with my ex-therapist and I know that is/was the essence of the attraction for me - it might have started with intellectual attraction but what was so utterly consuming in the end was the emotional intimacy and in fact the emails that passed between us were at times intercepted and read by my husband yet he chose to ignore them (the only thing he did demand to know in the end was whether I slept with him!) because he has always struggled with the concept of emotional intimacy - to him a foreign notion.

Anyway I digress, the marital therapist reminded me that although I had come so far, the trauma that I had been through was huge, that it was early days and that it would take me many years to move beyond it. That went over like water of a duck's back.......until today.

I went for a run (I run 3-4 times a week - love it) along my usual route (a long straight tree-lined road with a gentle incline) - it was late evening and I was totally relaxed but nevertheless observant and fully alert - at the back of my mind has always been the knowledge that I live near my ex-therapist - he also runs and I have seen him far too close to my house for comfort (but never bumped into him). In the distance coming towards me I could see someone running and was immediately on my guard, as he came closer it began to look more and more like my ex-therapist and I began to panic. I slowed down to a walk looking about me wildly trying to find an escape route but I was stuck on a long bit of road with no other roads intersecting it in order to duck down. For a brief moment I thought about turning around and running back but he was coming towards me really fast - I felt completely paralysed and I was still praying it wasnt him. He must have seen me slow to a walk and a block away I realised it was indeed him - everything went totally blank, icy and still - I literally felt like a 'deer in the headlights', the fear was unbelievable. He could so easily have ducked down one of the roads that intersected ours (as he crossed one as he came towards me) but he carried on running straight towards me.

As he passed me (I was by now almost walking in the gutter in my attempt to be as unobtrusive as possible) there was a roaring in my ears and I know that I was glaring at him but I was frightened silly. His stride did not falter and he looked at me for a split second - I saw utter defiance (that's what I read anyway and contempt (again an interpretation and I dont think that was a projection - I dont feel contempt towards him - anger and sadness yes but not contempt) and then it was over and he was running effortlessly by while I was struggling to breathe.

I waited for him to disappear around the bend and then I literally fell apart. I could barely breathe - I realised that I was hyperventilating and having a panic attack - I couldnt get enough air and I was wheezing and sobbing - my heart was racing and I felt completely dizzy - I had no idea that I would have such an extreme reaction. Then I just started sobbing and I knew that if I didnt head for home now - I was going to completely fall apart. I turned around and headed back for home (fortunately only about 500m away) all the time making this strange wheezing noise as I tried to suck in air and fight off the blackness. I was a complete mess - I walked blindly past my husband, walked straight upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom and phoned my therapist. When she answered I could barely speak I was crying so hard and still trying to breathe. I told her that I felt like I had come face-to-face with my own disintegration all over again - my self-belief just fragmented and disintegrated.

She explained to me that it had become a "phobia" for me, that I was reliving some of the trauma and that she had expected this to happen if I bumped into him. She said that it would pass and that I had to hang onto what I and every single person/professional (without fail) that had heard my story and seen the evidence, believed - that he had "fallen in love", acted out his feelings and transgressed boundaries- she said very emphatically (and I could almost feel her penetrating stare demanding that I pay attention) - D you were not at fault in any way!

I just sobbed - I said then why do I fall apart when I see him - why is he so immune - why do I completely doubt myself all over again - I even ventured that he probably hated me now. She asked me how I had looked at him and I said I had glared but that I was petrified. She reminded me that I was not in any state to interpret his "look" correctly and that he in fact might have been reacting to my glare. She reminded me of what people that knew him well had said - that his "coldness and drop dead stares" were his "over" defence mechanism - that a person such as myself who could display a full range of emotions (she always refers to it as my full keyboard - I can play the highs and lows!) was far healthier in psychological terms. She suggested that he would no doubt also have been shaken up - she could almost guarantee that.

I wont tell you what she told me to do after that - yes I will actually;), she told me to go and have a stiff drink!

Anyway - I now feel like I have been run over by a bus and very very raw and vulnerable, but I guess I have survived to tell the tale (literally). I just had no idea that I would be so incredibly traumatised and sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to be able to come back from this strongly enough to believe in myself in the face of such shake ups?

XX

Chisholm

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry this happened and that you were so upset by this, Chisholm.

What is it, do you think, that you feared in this? As you said, you did manage your way through even though it was difficult and painful. Maybe it would be helpful to consider and give power to your own inner strength and determination. To know that his presence cannot diminish what is already yours...

I hope you are feeling better today.

[Chisholm]

I guess PTSD comes to mind. Any hint of the feeling of disintegration and fragmentation which is what I experienced when he initially denied everything is so incredibly traumatic. I have no words for that experience (when he denied everything) other than the fact that for a while I became unhinged, everything that I had come to believe about myself within that experience with him just crumbled - I fragmented and literally fell apart. Yes I depended upon him because that was the process (which he insisted was essential) and no doubt it was also indicative of the power differential.

In my recovery, my current therapist has highlighted the importance of building up an "internal supervisor" along with a sense of 'self' and to a certain extent I think that is beginning to take place in the absence of his presence. I guess I just wonder how deep/superficial that sense of self is - how fragile it seems when faced with his presence when it just collapses.

I certainly get the "phobia" analogy but I'm also aware that the favoured method for dealing with a phobia is a slow process of desensitisation - well I guess that will never happen so I wonder then how I deal with it?

It reminds me of the words from the Doors song, Peace Frog: "Ghosts crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind"

I am now an adult but I'm so acutely aware of the wounded terrified "inner child" - how do I comfort her and tell her to hold onto her sense of self?

XX

Chisholm

[finding my way]

Love her.

Isn't that what it all comes down to?:(

The trouble with abuse (especially from childhood) is that it can really hurt your relationship to yourself, making it so difficult to be in your own skin!!! I'm so sorry it hurts all over again, Chisholm . Thing is, you are in a better place now with yourself, even though this setback happened.

How do you feel toward your inner child these days? Can you feel any compassion for her?

[IrmaJean]

Perhaps the fear comes from the painful reminder of what he and his past behaviors have represented to you. "Desensitization" may come from within as you heal from past wounds.

I am now an adult but I'm so acutely aware of the wounded terrified "inner child" - how do I comfort her and tell her to hold onto her sense of self?

I think you have taken the first steps by being aware of your "inner child". What does your inner child need in this? If you are able to give this part of yourself a voice and listen to the feelings and needs, you can hopefully build on strengthening your sense of self.

Take care.

[Chisholm]

It’s crazy all the thoughts that have raced through my mind since this happened and boy it knocked me straight back into 'obsessing mode' – classic intellectualization defence mode – I fall apart emotionally and my mind races in to rescue me by over-analysing every little nuance. Eventually I knew that I was getting nowhere so I jotted down all my thoughts and feelings on email, sent it as an attachment to my therapist and asked her to hold it in abeyance for me, so that we could discuss it tomorrow (Tuesday) in session. Essentially I knew that the obsession would be relentless and I needed to concentrate on my studies and be “there” for my family, so I consciously decided to compartmentalize by asking my therapist to “hold” the mayhem and confusion for me.

She wrote back and told me how proud she was of me, how “incredibly constructive” my actions were and how brave I was – she is one special lady!

The “fear” – I know in so many ways one could associate my therapist’s transgressions with the CSA I went through as a child but strangely enough besides feeling hugely betrayed/abused by him trust wise (which I relived a few sessions back), I don’t feel any of the visceral disgust or physical fear that I felt as a child when I was sexually abused. To put it simply – I was too aware of my ex-therapist’s “genuine but misguided love” for me to be able to associate it or link it with the CSA – as wrong and as unethical as that “love” may be – amazing how this conviction still holds/rings true for me through all the trauma! This is what “E” wants me to hold onto because she thinks I saw and felt that so accurately.

The fear that I do associate with him however - and this is where I think the most damage lies – is believing in myself, believing that I felt loved – trusting my feelings. Not because I even needed his love but because I DO NEED TO TRUST MY FEELINGS. As I have come to learn, people can tell you are lovable until they are blue in their faces but unless and until you have the capacity to believe that, it is all for nothing.

The fear is of that state of disintegration that I experienced and it is absolutely paralyzing – feeling delusional/psychotic when none of it is of your own making is absolutely terrifying and when I saw him the memory of being in that state came rushing back – that was the immediate association that I made. I became dependent upon him(which he rightly or wrongly always assured me was part of the process) in my four years of therapy with him and to a large extent I rebuilt a new sense of identity based on his feelings towards me (such is the power of transference). When he denied everything after I confronted him – to a large extent that sense of self was completely shattered, it fragmented and collapsed – there are no words for how painful and absolutely terrifying that experience is – only those who have experienced psychosis could possibly come close to understanding and the real trauma was that I was NOT psychotic.

I don’t ever want to go through that again – there is nothing more terrifying and on Saturday I relived some of it and it has shaken me up hugely but I am here, I have only compassion for my inner child – I know that she was not to blame and right now I’m still fighting for her as tough as it is at times.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Chisholm,

You are going through, and have been through, a terrible time with that therapist. In many ways, it sounds to me, a little like PTSD. You have been traumatized.

Focuing on your studies is a great way to get away from obsessional throughts. Sounds like you now have a really good therapist.

Allan

[Luna-]

I wont tell you what she told me to do after that - yes I will actually;), she told me to go and have a stiff drink!

Lol - a previous psychiatrist used to tell me the same thing!

Anyway - I now feel like I have been run over by a bus and very very raw and vulnerable, but I guess I have survived to tell the tale (literally). I just had no idea that I would be so incredibly traumatised and sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to be able to come back from this strongly enough to believe in myself in the face of such shake ups?

It's still very raw for you. I truly believe that with time, you will be better able to withstand this and you will return less and less to this state. Desensitisation will work, yes, if you see him enough times, but it can happen without desensitisation, too, just with the passing of time and work in therapy.

Time.

I used to hate that answer when I asked my therapist.

[hatemeds]

Hey sister

I finally got round to reading more of your thread. Ouch you sure have been through the woods with this one! Been to hell and back huh?

I am struck by your gentleness in all of this - me I'dve called in the armed forces! You've a soft compassionate beautiful soul and you see things so deeply Chisholm. Hold onto that beauty within you - everybody sees it and itsabout time you did sister!!

Dontcha lose grip on that self belief you hear me - the world needs more sensitive people like you!

Hang tough!

****

[IrmaJean]

I cannot imagine the terrifying fear you must have gone through in this, Chisholm. I'm very sorry that you were upset and frightened by this experience. How are you feeling now?

Maybe it would be beneficial to focus on and give strength to that which helps you to feel balanced. It's great that you have a caring therapist who can support you in this. I wish you well in your session tomorrow.

[Chisholm]

Thank you so much IJ, Luna, FMW, Allan and Hatemeds - it is so comforting to know that I have this little group of friends that know me so intimately and are so supportive albeit in cyberspace! My cyber-guardian angels!

I had a pretty tearful, shaky and heartsore session yesterday - E admitted that I might be suffering a little PTSD but she did say that as traumatic as it was, she was glad that I had bumped into him from a desensitization point of view. She put things in perspective for me when she insisted that he would have found my glare very uncomfortable and would have been considerably shaken up as well.

It's funny how I no longer feel that I know him at all - I know that I saw a very tender sensitive part of him and I know that part was authentic (and no doubt is still there - although perhaps more of a wound now). With the revelation of the full extent of his transgressions, his betrayal, his abandonment and yes his unintentional abuse, I find/found myself struggling to fit the pieces together. That somebody who supposedly "loved me" could do what he did is a hard picture to piece together, but I guess love and hate are but two sides of a very thin coin. That he is a fallible human being, is perhaps an even more simple way of looking at it!! I feel mainly sadness, and at times when I think of how vulnerable I was, anger towards him and yes, I still miss what we had - the depth of emotional intimacy we had was something I had never experienced before. Yet the only emotion I experienced yesterday was immense fear - PTSD?

Strange how Elspeth has complimented me on my "huge capacity to grasp ambiguity" as she puts it, despite what I have been through. I'll never forget the first therapist (his roommate!) who encountered me after the trauma of cutting my wrists - she said to me that if I didnt love him, then I hated him. I looked at her in utter disdain despite being very traumatised and said, "No - I dont split! I am not borderline, but I have been hugely traumatised." I'll never forget the surprise on her face at my response, it was almost comical in retrospect. Just glad I didnt stick with her - she was so ready to put me in the borderline box - would have been far more comfortable for her!! Please dont think I'm "dissing" borderlines, after all we all share some of the traits in one way or another - it is just very "psychosis making" having somebody label you that which you are not (as confirmed by both my current psychiatrist and my psychologist) because they are trying to justify the actions of their wayward colleague.

Anyway E explained to me that I had made so much progress "cognitively" in that I now understood intellectually that he had acted out his feelings and transgressed, that he was to blame and not me but she said trusting my feelings was going to take a lot longer for me given what had happened and where I come from. Guess it all comes down to the emotional reserve vs cognitive reserve analogy that E is fond of using - apparently I have plenty in cognitive reserve but not much in emotional........

So I have a very dumb question to ask, but I'm sure I'm not the first. Any suggestions on how to go about learning to trust your feelings? Anyone?

[IrmaJean]

That he is a fallible human being' date=' is perhaps an even more simple way of looking at it!![/quote']

This is a healthy way of looking at it, I think, Chisholm, especially if it is comforting to you.

I still miss what we had - the depth of emotional intimacy we had was something I had never experienced before.

Perhaps this is something to work on with your husband. I know it isn't easy' date=' but if you work together you may be able to become more emotionally intimate as a couple.

Yet the only emotion I experienced yesterday was immense fear - PTSD?

I'm just finishing up a course in PTSD. It's definitely very complex, depending on the person and the situation in which trauma has occurred. Have you been diagnosed with this? I'm sorry about the fear.

So I have a very dumb question to ask' date=' but I'm sure I'm not the first. Any suggestions on how to go about learning to trust your feelings? Anyone? [/quote']

I don't think any question is dumb, Chisholm. I don't have an answer for you, but you might start by believing in yourself. What is it, do you think, that is preventing you from doing this?

I hope you have a peaceful and healing day today.

[hatemeds]

So sad sister (whoops feel a song coming on ) - reading your thread I can see exactly why your therapist fell in love with you or should I say in countertransference (friggin long winded term for a simple concept!!!) - what is correct???

You seem so very intelligent, sensitive and deep thinking - all the things he should have brought to your atttention and yet he stuffs it up in the end. Seems to me there was so much potential there - sad really - very sad but I guess life aint no fairy tale. Can you not see why your therapist had feelings for you - do you still doubt that - hell reading all your posts - I sure dont.

BELIEVE SISTER - BELIEVE!!!!!!!

Strength to you!

****

[finding my way]

Positive relationships can sure help. People that mirror you just enough that you feel validated. For me a working method made a huge difference too. Internal Family Systems, or parts therapy, gave me a way to dialog with myself and get to know my inner characters and their dynamics. I do relate to your coming apart experience, Chisholm . I have that with my parents. Not pleasant at all. It is utterly humiliating for me, but I have learned my limitations as a human being and am able to survive and even thrive if I respect that. I'm not saying our situations are the same, just that I know how terrifying it is to lose your ground with yourself.... it can be very life threatening. Take care, dear one!!! Maybe make some extra apointments with E for a while? Nature is another big one for me. When the face of Nature looks back into my face, I feal real. Just getting in rhythm with anything out in the world, even for a moment, can help head off a negative spiral.

[Chisholm]

"As I write this, a child is crying, somewhere, unseen, far off, in the hidden spaces of glass and brick, and I imagine the wind of all there is moving through that small spirit giving voice to its cry. For isn't that cry the rustle of a human leaf?"

I just wanted to share some of the journey through the pain that I am experiencing at the moment - much of it involves accepting the pain and moving through it rather than running away from it or blocking it. One of the more difficult things I had to come to terms with in the therapy that I went through with my ex-therapist was that of embracing my own sensitivity - a part of me that was never really accepted by the family that I grew up with. I know my journey will be a familiar one to many on this forum thus my wish to share it.

I recognised that aching sensitivity in my ex-therapist and I believe that had much to do with the bond that formed between us and despite his transgressions I believe that it is still very much a part of him. Yet he spent so much of his time with me insisting that I lay down my boundaries esp with my parents. When he became impassioned with "a sense of justice on my behalf" (as he put it) he would often tell me to tell my parents to "f--k off!". I struggled with this - predominantly because it is not in my nature to express myself thus and yes he did recognise my struggle to express and externalise anger.

When he ran past me recently and I fell apart, one of the things that I said on the phone to my current therapist (albeit I was sobbing and not particularly coherent) was that he was "immune". She sternly reminded me that he carried a rigid facade and I replied, "Yes, why cant I learn those "f--k off boundaries?!!!" Her answer was to remind me that she did not think that was who I was and that in itself was part of my "gift". She said Chisholm you are one of the most beautiful, loving, sensitive, compassionate souls I have ever met - your strength and courage lies in holding onto that sensitivity and expressing yourself regardless (I guess I did express my anger in my peer review application!).

It has been a struggle, being sensitive is both a curse and a gift but it IS part of who I am and gradually I am learning to embrace that sensitivity and learn that my boundaries are expressed in asserting WHO I AM and hanging on to that regardless. Expressing my boundaries means expressing my feelings REGARDLESS OF HOW THEY WILL BE RECEIVED, it means that I am learning to recognise the dysfunctional patterns that play out in my family, and separate myself from them and ASSERT MY NEEDS REGARDLESS. It DOES NOT MEAN that I have to tell my parents to "f---k off".

It means that:

"to stay open, to slay porous, to stay move-through-able, to remain teachable, especially by those aspects of the world that exist beneath words. It remains a great battle because the recurring instant we cease to be teachable, we lock ourselves in a way of being that is remarkably close to life, though it is not life, but, as Amichai says, it becomes a form of pre-death."

There is an energy and power in being real, in being true to oneself, far more than there is in any forced act of willpower. Yes there is lot of pain but in remaining true to my own sensitivity, that selfsame pain has made space for a lot of joy and love - there is a story that I want to share with you in my next post that so moved me (but it is too long for this post).

X

Chisholm

[Chisholm]

The story that I wanted to share:

Why am I the only one crying? by Mark Nepo

I met a woman who had loved Mozart her whole life. We were at a large dinner party. She sat next to me and quietly said, “You know, I have a Jewish background, but I go sometimes to their church. It’s so somber that it makes me cry. I’ve lost two teenage girls, you know. I look around and no one even moves. Their Lord died two thousand years ago. Why am I the only one crying?” She stared off past my salad and then offered, “It’s why I love Mozart, because under all his skill, the one chord he returns to keeps saying, ‘Why am I the only one crying?’”

Is this woundedness or aliveness? It is surely an example of having very little left between your heart and life. While some think this makes us weak, I believe it is what we are put here for: to wear away and love away everything in between. Much depends on what we do with such a sensibility. Clearly, the weight of feeling and perception with nowhere to go with it is the burden of being a watcher. It can be lonely and debilitating. But when we can give voice to and share what rises through us, it joins us. Ultimately, what we do with the waterfall of our sensitivities matters. That the woman who loves Mozart dared to break through her polite conversation with a stranger to speak of the tenderness of being alive keeps that unexpected feeling from festering into a wound. Between us, it stays alive. Between us, it helps us live.

In truth, aliveness and woundedness are ever-changing states that we move through like wakefulness and sleep. And it seems that the practice of honest expression is necessary to move from sleep to wakefulness and from woundedness to aliveness. Being human, we are constantly slipping from one to the other. Repeatedly the cost of not expressing who we are turns out to be woundedness. Not surfacing who we are and what we feel results in self-echo, dividedness, isolation. If allowed to fester, wounds can’t heal. Then we risk imploding. On the other side, the gifts of expressing who we are manifest in our aliveness. Such commitment to the flow of presence results in connection, wholeness, and membership in the Universal Ground of Being. And when everything comes alive, wounds given to air can heal. Then we risk falling in love with everything.

[IrmaJean]

I can relate to this, Chisholm. I've only recently, in the past few years, begun to truly let myself be known. It was always something I wanted and longed for, but yet I was too afraid to express myself for so many years...

I think it would be wonderful for you accept and embrace your gifts. When you allow your gifts to light you up from within, you will feel your own love. It's very powerful and freeing. Presence. Awareness. Connectivity with life, love and self. I agree with E, Chisholm. Be yourself.

Thanks for sharing.

[Rapha]

C,

You have tremendous resilience and are incredibly inspiring. Thanks for being so beautifully transparent. It touches my heart.

---Rapha