Transference/Countertransference

[IrmaJean]

That was SOLELY his responsibilty and no, I wont take any responsibility for his transgressions.

Good for you, Chisholm. It's great to hear that you are in a stronger place now.

[finding my way]

Transference has the potential to heal wounds at their source as well as the layers of the years. Your last post could double as a statement of coming to terms with the family neglect and sexual abuse of your childhood... would you agree?

This is an amazing testimony:

I take full responsibility for my feelings and indeed I dont regret them - they reminded me that I was still alive, that emotional intimacy is what I have been yearning for in my life and that I deserve to feel and love in that manner - therein lies the transformational power of love?

you've reclaimed your you from some very deep wounds, and it is awesome!!

The full resolution happened beyond the therapy relationship because your therapist had his own problems, but, hooray, you still kept going and saw it through anyway...

[spiritual_emergency]

I'm glad you could hear my message in the spirit it was intended Chisolm. My intent wasn't to imply that he was blameless so much as to emphasize that we do have personal power to alter our personal circumstances and we do not serve ourselves well if we cannot see that. I think we sometimes do a terrible disservice to people if we paint them, through our sympathy and support, as passive and helpless.

Otherwise, I'd quote the exact same words that fmw quoted because yes, I think that is the point. You did need and want to feel loved. Perhaps the next part of the task becomes finding a way to do that without getting hurt (too badly) or without hurting others (too badly). I don't think it's possible to squeeze through life or love without getting hurt somewhere in though.

Music of the Hour: Metric ~ Help I'm Alive

[finding my way]

ohhhhh, but: there are events where we are passive and helpless. A child has many of these experiences. Isn't this part of human experience the very heart of PTSD? If we relegate this helpless part of us to the shadow and refuse to relate to her, problems will only continue.

Am I reading things into your statement, Chisholm? to me you are reclaiming her... the vulnerable one who could be hurt if she got too close to someone... the helpless one in the past you maybe did not want to identify with because it hurt too much. To me you are saying, I am strong, I will not let you tell lies that I take in and believe.... and... if you hurt my vulnerable one, I will not turn away from her and look to you to define reality without her, I will stand with her in her pain and we will continue on our way together to learn and to find better things...

[IrmaJean]

ohhhhh, but: there are events where we are passive and helpless. A child has many of these experiences.

I think this can be recreated in the therapeutic environment at times, which is one reason why it is so important that the "parent" therapist protects and nurtures the "child" client.

Am I reading things into your statement, Chisholm? to me you are reclaiming her... the vulnerable one who could be hurt if she got too close to someone... the helpless one in the past you maybe did not want to identify with because it hurt too much. To me you are saying, I am strong, I will not let you tell lies that I take in and believe.... and... if you hurt my vulnerable one, I will not turn away from her and look to you to define reality without her, I will stand with her in her pain and we will continue on our way together to learn and to find better things...

I like this thought. All parts of us exist as part of the whole...including the vulnerable parts...and we must face and embrace all aspects of ourselves to be completely whole.

I think what you have done, Chisholm, is empower yourself to move in a positive direction as a result of your experiences...even the negative ones. I'm so glad you are feeling better.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Chisholm,

Now I understand much better. Having been abused by a stranger, or anyone, it explains you difficulty trusting a therapist, but, it would also explain some of the confusion about what the therapist-patient relationship is all about.

What about in your family, when you were growing up, any sexual abuse there??

Allan

[finding my way]

Chisholm, how are you doing these days?

[Chisholm]

Hi fmw

Thank you for caring as you do - I am constantly humbled by the empathy and concern shown by so many on this forum.

Truth be told, I am struggling a little at the moment. Xmas has a way of announcing itself very boldly in the minds of those who have dysfunctional family backgrounds. Whether that has to do with unrealistic family expectations and excessive self-reflection, I couldnt really tell you. Suffice to say that it is definitely not SAD as with those who find themselves battling the seasonal effects of dark winter weather. In SA we swelter during the Xmas period!!

No doubt the fact that it will be exactly one year on the 21st December since the traumatic termination of my therapy, contributes to the nagging sadness and "iffyness" I feel at the moment. Whilst the "adult" Chisholm recognises the humaness in my therapists transgressions and takes responsibilty to some extent for her contribution to the eventual outcome, the inner "child" Chisholm still feels the abandonment wound acutely.

That "inner child" fluctuates between intense anger and a deep sense of betrayal and loss but perhaps what is significant is that I am willing to recognise and hold that "child" for the first time ever, knowing that I am indeed stronger for the gentle acceptance thereof.

My deep gratitude to you all.

XX

Chisholm

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Chisholm,

Can you embrace your inner child, love her, nurture her and understand and accept her anger as very appropriate?

I just want to point out that the inner child is someone we need to respect and love. The inner child makes us better adults. In fact, the inner child often knows more than the adult.

What do you think?

Allan

[IrmaJean]

...perhaps what is significant is that I am willing to recognise and hold that "child" for the first time ever, knowing that I am indeed stronger for the gentle acceptance thereof.

This is so beautiful, Chisholm. I'm certain that you can hold her and give her gentle nurturance, reassurance and love. You can also comfort her and be with her during those painful moments, knowing that your inner strength and love will lead you to that acceptance. Very significant indeed. Take care, Chisholm.

[Chisholm]

Great news! I forgot my psychiatrist's appointment today (never done that before) - clear sign that I'm no longer obsessing and over analysing huh?

Giggle.

XX

Chisholm

[Luna-]

Giggle with you.

Yup, I agree, it's a good sign.

[finding my way]

Thanks for your update, Chisholm:)!! And (((((((hugs))))))) to you and your inner child during the holiday season:o

[Guest ASchwartz]

Chisolm,

Actually, missing your appointment is not a good sign, in my opinion and I hope you do not take this as criticism because none is intended. What I mean by "its not a good sign" is that missing the appointment is what we call "acting out" and what that means is that there is something you are avoiding, not putting into words with your psychiatrist. I have no idea what that is but it is something that should be discussed in your therapy.

What do you think about this?

Allan

[Chisholm]

Hi Allan

I know missing an appointment is usually construed as acting out but maybe if I put things into context it will make sense. I see my psychotherapist weekly (she is what we call a clinical psychologist in SA - not sure whether the same in the States) and I absolutely thrive on my sessions with her and it would be hard to imagine missing one of those. However I only see my psychiatrist (who checks in on my meds more than anything else - she also intially took over the mess after my ex-therpists transgressions as I was in the clinic at that stage due to my trauma induced suicide attempt) once every three months now. I knew the appointment was some time in December but with two kids on hectic year-end school schedules, my exams, work and a Xmas party for 80 people - I completely forgot!!!

And well I challenge Freud to have anything to say about that - some things just are what they are - simple oversights I guess. Given that I have spent much of this year over-analysing and obsessing about my traumatic therapy experience - I saw it as a good sign that I had relaxed enough to forget and thankfully my psychiatrist did as well. In fact she gave me a massive hug at the end of the session and congratulated me for getting as far as I have. She also apologised on behalf of the psychiatric profession for my ex-therapist's transgressions which I was quite touched by.

So I dont know - do you really think I was acting out? Quite happy to concede I was but then I'd say I was acting out a new found light heartedness!!

XX

Chisholm

[IrmaJean]

As Freud himself said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar...

I wanted to add that it sounds as if you've been living your life, Chisholm. I'm so happy to hear this! I hope you get to fully embrace the holiday season this year.

I'm also very glad that you have a great psychiatrist and psychologist (also called Clinical Psychologists here in the US) who have been supportive and kind.

Light-heartedness and a sense of humor can be very healing too. Take gentle care.

[Chisholm]

Hi all

Tomorrow is the 21st January. It will be exactly one year since the traumatic termination with my psychiatrist. I have to admit to struggling right now - all the seasonal celebrations, songs in the malls, cheerful families, sense of togetherness and intimacy - sometimes I feel like the little urchin stuck out in the snow peering longingly through the sweet shop window.

I still miss him and I guess a part of me always will. I remember how drugged up I was last Xmas eve - my wrist stitched up and bandaged - held together with anti-psychotics feeling more fragmented than I have ever been in my life. My family watched anxiously wondering whether I would be able to hang in there. Both my mother and my brother who found me lying in my own pool of blood have had to have their own therapy as a result.

All this pain and suffering, trauma and heartache because my psychiatrist supposedly fell in love with me. I know he is human but he transgressed - there is no getting away from that and one day I might be able to look back at all of this with a faint sense of nostalgia for the intimacy we shared but with the knowledge that he was terribly wrong.

I have and always will take responsibility for the role I played in the traumatic ending - I pushed and finally he fled. I dont push anymore, I think twice - I stand and fight for what I want now and my letter to SASOP signified that tragic and ironic start to a new era. My new psychologist is an absolute blessing - so authentic and real - not a hint of subtext or agenda and our motto is still "keep it real!" She has been so powerfully open with me - she says that of all her patients, she finds me by far the most engaging and always looks forward to our sessions. She even admitted to finding it sad that given the therapeutic boundaries, we could never become close friends as she feels that she would very much like to be in a different context! Quite refreshing for me in her openess after the mind games of my former psychiatrist!! She insists that I have to look at what he reflected back at me in his falling in love - she feels that he fell in love with the sensitive, intelligent, beautiful, passionate person that I saw reflected in his eyes (her words not mine!). Powerful and very humbling - I am not quite there - but will hopefully get there in time.

Even now I find myself wondering whether he ever misses what we had despite the traumatic end - I find myself wondering whether he will remember that tomorrow is the 21st and the significance thereof. I know that he is still in therapy with the senior therapist - I wonder whether he has yet to come to terms with his responsibility. Any suggestions?

I am finding the sadness somewhat overwhelming at the moment but thankfully I will spend tomorrow surrounded by friends and family that love and support me. And believe it or not my current psychologist is taking me out for coffee given the significance of the day! Yikes - boundaries!!!! Dont worry - I will not be falling in love with her!!!!

Thanks for all the support guys.

X

Chisholm

[IrmaJean]

You've come a long way over the past year, Chisholm. I'm happy things are moving in a positive direction. I'm sorry the season brings a struggle for you. I hope that you can enjoy the holiday with your family.

I understand that it must be hard for you to not have your former therapist in your thoughts from time to time. There is no way to know if he has or ever will take responsibility for his part in this...I think you can only move forward for yourself and learn from what happened. It sounds as if you are doing a great job with that. I hope that one day when you think of this you will remember your own gifts, in that you are a loving, sensitive, passionate, beautiful and intelligent person.

Best wishes, Chisholm. Take gentle care.

[finding my way]

With all you've been through, you are closer than ever now to reaching the urchin in the snow and drawing her into your warm circle of love and friendship . Happy Soulstice today, Chisholm!!!

[Chisholm]

It's just gone 12 pm in South Africa - so Happy Xmas to all on "The Forum". Thank you so much for all the love and support and may you enjoy the blessings of Xmas with your loved ones.

XX

Chisholm

[Luna-]

Happy Christmas, Chisholm.

[Rapha]

Hi Allan

I know missing an appointment is usually construed as acting out but maybe if I put things into context it will make sense. I see my psychotherapist weekly (she is what we call a clinical psychologist in SA - not sure whether the same in the States) and I absolutely thrive on my sessions with her and it would be hard to imagine missing one of those. However I only see my psychiatrist (who checks in on my meds more than anything else - she also intially took over the mess after my ex-therpists transgressions as I was in the clinic at that stage due to my trauma induced suicide attempt) once every three months now. I knew the appointment was some time in December but with two kids on hectic year-end school schedules, my exams, work and a Xmas party for 80 people - I completely forgot!!!

And well I challenge Freud to have anything to say about that - some things just are what they are - simple oversights I guess. Given that I have spent much of this year over-analysing and obsessing about my traumatic therapy experience - I saw it as a good sign that I had relaxed enough to forget and thankfully my psychiatrist did as well. In fact she gave me a massive hug at the end of the session and congratulated me for getting as far as I have. She also apologised on behalf of the psychiatric profession for my ex-therapist's transgressions which I was quite touched by.

So I dont know - do you really think I was acting out? Quite happy to concede I was but then I'd say I was acting out a new found light heartedness!!

XX

Chisholm

Hi, Chisholm. Sorry this is so long after your post, but I wanted to put in my two cents. Based upon the context you describe, I think you were acting out of the latter - a new found lightheartedness.

How are things going for you now?

Peace,

---Rapha

[Chisholm]

Hello guys!

Feeling a little down and flat so I thought I would distract myself/ruminate (depends on how you look at it I guess!!) by saying hello to all on the forum (esp those who have been so unbelievably supportive through the worst of the trauma) and updating you on where I am at.

Amazing how it has become so obvious to all and sundry incl. myself how seriously my former psychiatrist/therapist (he did both my meds and my psychotherapy) transgressed. (He is currently still in supervisory therapy with the senior therapist that SASOP appointed and no doubt having to report back to them throughout.) I have learnt so much about the human psyche through this process – like the fact that the further back the trauma recedes, the more clear the picture/perspective becomes (never before has the metaphor – “cannot see the wood for the trees” had more meaning!!). And strangely I have also come to the realization that in some ways his feelings were very clear to me during my therapy with him – but the circumstances did not allow for my open recognition/discussion of that. The circumstances precluded any open verbalizations from either of us but for different reasons - his reason being the question of ethics, mine being the age old habit of taking responsibility for other people’s feelings. I come from a background of having to be what my parents needed me to be (and parenting them!) and in so many ways I ended up being what my ex-therapist needed me to be given the circumstances. I was never able to be my true self in therapy with him.

All the “acting out” and anxiety I went through in therapy with him – apparently I should never have taken responsibility for that, but I did. I had no choice but to “act out” – verbalising what was REALLY going on was NOT possible given the circumstances. E (my current psych) insists the incongruence [as he always said: “I can be authentic about my feelings but I cant be declarative” and when I would query what they were, he would tell me that I was being “obtuse” about his feelings - then of course there was all the flirtatious discourse in all the emails and SMS’s - sometimes late at night and on the weekends – and these were never discussed in session – why because they became the unspoken “understanding” between the both of us] I experienced with him was the “stuff psychosis is made of”. I should apparently never have had to go through all that – all the unspoken feelings, the giant pink elephant in the room (puce actually!!), dealing with his “stuff” in the room as well as my own, trying to be what he needed me to be given his “discomfort” with his own physical feelings, all the inconsistencies, his anger when I rejected him in any way, etc. Sadly I never stood a chance in hell of identifying my “stuff” in that mess. What use was the therapy to me then??

E (my current therapist) pushed me to talk about the abuse (CSA as an 11-year-old) three weeks ago – I had avoided it up until then purely because I did not think I had the strength to go through that all over again with another psychotherapist. It appears I was avoiding it for another reason – no sooner than I started talking, memories of having discussed it with him just flooded in until I could not speak anymore I was in so much pain (incl. every sensation from the smell of his rooms to the dimness of the light in the room). E thought for a moment it was trauma of the sexual abuse – but it wasn’t, it was the trauma of that experience recounted within the context of the trust and love I had for him – until then the only person I had ever entrusted with that information. The enormity of his betrayal knocked the breath out of me and all I could do was sob – I had no words for that kind of pain.

E made the comment that just as I had trusted my abuser as a child (who was vouched for by the horseriding community then as well as by my mother who let me go off with him on weekends as an 11-year-old), I trusted my ex-therapist who was vouched for by his professional standing.

I have now come to truly understand the psychological theory that, ”it is not so much the trauma but the manner in which it is contextualized which is important” - a very sad way to come to terms with the truth therein. All along, I knew intellectually/rationally that he never intended to abuse me, that he had in fact “fallen in love with me”/counter-transference (call it what you like – matters little) BUT at the end of the day what I had only NOW to come to realise is that the wound only absorbs feelings not rationalisations.

How strange and refreshing it is to have a neuropsychologist (my current therapist "E") tell me that I have no pathology – no personality disorders or Axis 1 disorders to speak of (had major depression currently in remission) – that so much of the stuff I thought was mine was actually his!!! That my greatest struggle is trusting myself/ my feelings (despite E insisting that my intuition matches my “intellect”) – which is where he did the greatest damage! Where I doubt myself, I immediately leap into intellectualization defence mode (where I feel most comfortable) – he milked that big time in that it became the language of flirtation and game playing! His inexperience (as a psychiatrist he was relatively young at the age of 39) played out in his over-pathologising and hiding behind psychoanalytic theory when in doubt. Friggin’ heck - I remember having in-depth conversations with him on Kohut’s transmuting internalizations, reaction formation, Winnicott’s false/true selves, Freud’s latency period as mythologised in Snow White, active vs passive projections, projective identification, hypnopompic hallucinations, etc, etc – what in hell does that have to do with honest to goodness therapy???!!!

Is it any wonder that E insists that our new motto is, “Keep it Real” !!!! If there is even so much as a fleeting expression on her face she will tell me exactly what she is feeling and thinking – so liberating and comforting for me after what I have been through! Absolutely no agenda, subtext, meta-communication, game-playing and mixed messages, only 100% authenticity – I am finally free (and SAFE!!) for the first time ever in therapy to be exactly who I am - I cannot tell you how liberating this is!

So much has happened in my personal life of late – but I will save that saga for another time suffice to say that I really just wanted to touch base and say hi to all and thank you once again for being such special people – this forum has been a blessing to me in so many ways.

XXX

Chisholm

[IrmaJean]

So nice to hear from you, Chisholm. I am glad to hear that the picture has become clearer for you. It's wonderful that you have found such a great therapist in "E". So happy for you! I hope that E can continue to help you move through this painful experience. I hope that you find healing from your past wounds. You're very wise and insightful and your posts are always mind-stretching. "Keep it real" is a good motto.

I am finally free (and SAFE!!) for the first time ever in therapy to be exactly who I am - I cannot tell you how liberating this is!

This is awesome, Chisholm. Good for you. I hope you can soak up E's support and care. Best wishes. I hope the "flatness" fades soon. Take gentle care of you...

[Luna-]

Hi again Chisholm. Glad to hear you sounding so much better!